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Chain emails from old people need a place on the internet that is not my inbox.

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UK Classified ads

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:     FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES:  NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.  *** And the WINNER is... ***    FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition....£200 or best offer. No longer needed; got married last month. Partner knows  "f#%#%#g"  everything! 

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Irish Viagra

Irish Viagra  An Irish woman of advanced age visited her  physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.  'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.  'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'  'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.  'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.  It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee.  He won't even taste it.  Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'  It wasn't a week later when she called the  doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.  The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!  Just terrible, doctor!'  'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor...  'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in  his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.  He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye  and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to  tatters and took me then and there passionately on  the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'  'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, ' Do you mean the sex your  husband provided wasn't good?'  'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex  I've had in 25 years!  But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never  be able to show me face in Starbucks again! 

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playing with words

THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE  IDIOSYNCRASIES  OF ENGLISH:

DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE  PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED? CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

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Too funny not to share! Two Kids

Two little boys, ages 8 and 6, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents 

know if any mischief occurs in their town, 

the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town 

had been successful in disciplining children, 

so she asked if he would speak with her boys. 

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 6 year old in the morning, 

with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. 

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, 

sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, 

sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 

"Where is God?!  

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.  

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger 

in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, 

ran directly home & dove into his closet, 

slamming the door behind him. 

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 

"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 

"We are in BIG trouble this time!" 

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

PLEASE DON'T LAUGH ALONE.

PASS IT ON!

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NO Sunday Paper

No Sunday Paper:   This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.  

    "Where is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ...

..."Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either.

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the ocean

Children  Writing About the Ocean... Hysterical!  1)  - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly,  age 6)  2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age  6)  3) - If you are  surrounded by ocean, you are an island.  If you don't have ocean all  round you, you are incontinent.   (, age  7)  4) - Sharks are  ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my  friend any more.   (Kylie, age  6) 5) - A dolphin  breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age  8)  6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a  woman and pots and comes back with crabs.  (Millie, age  6)  7) - When ships  had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when  the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.  My  brother said they would have been better off eating beans.  (William,  age 7) 8) -  Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like  their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like,  really?   (Helen, age 6)  9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby  brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister  has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age  6)  10) - Some fish  are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting.  Electric eels can give you a shock.  They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug  themselves in to chargers.  (Christopher, age  7)  11) - When you  go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.  (Kevin, age 6)  12)  - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.  Divers can't go  down alone, so they have to go down on each other.  (Becky, age  8)  13) - On  vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast.  She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.  (Julie, age 7)  14)  - The ocean is made up of water and fish.  Why the fish don't drown I  don't know.  (Bobby, age 6)  15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all  about the ocean.  What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and  married my mom.   (James, age 7)

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WHEN A MALE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE !

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CONFUCIUS did NOT say.....

Man, who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Finally... "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

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MEN - head of household

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."     Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.  The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, but in the line of men whotruly were heads of their household, there was only one man.  God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."  God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"  The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here." 

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Funny Stuff!!!

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.  The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

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The screen is going to fade to black; have your glasses on, and 'click' on Year of your birth below.  You'll be pleasantly surprised with this one... Type the year only!! Then click the question (?) mark!  Sit back and enjoy!!    I then tried it with other years, like my kids and grandkids...it's all very interesting indeed! 

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SOMETIMES YA' CAN'T FIX STUPID!

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny...

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says  No crap, really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!  -----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; VeterinarianTakes Over  What a guy!  ---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death  No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!  ------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  See if that works any better than a fair trial!  ----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace  I can see where it might have that effect!  ----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  Ya think?!  -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought!  ----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London  ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide  They may be on to something!  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  ----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces  Battery  Charge  He probably IS the battery charge!  ----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  Weren't they fat enough?!  -----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  That's what he gets for eating those beans!  ---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  Do they taste like chicken?  ******************************

Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  Chainsaw Massacre all over again!  ***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  Boy, are they tall!  *******************************************

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  Did I read that right?  *************************************************** 

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Worth reading short too - they are out there and they vote

NATURAL BORN CITIZENS  You, who worry about democrats versus republicans--relax, here is our real problem. In a Florida State University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.  However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"  Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed and they walk Among US...

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Paraprosdokian Sentences

Paraprosdokian sentences-- A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.       Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.       Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.       Ø   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.       Ø   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.       Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.       Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.       Ø   If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.       Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.         Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.       Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.       Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.       Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.       Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.       Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.       Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?       Ø   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.       Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.       Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.       Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.       Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".       Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.       Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?       Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.       Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?       Ø   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.       Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.       Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.       Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!       Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.       Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.       Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.       Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.       Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.       Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.       Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.       Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.       Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.       Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.       Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid.     Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.       Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.       Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.       Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.       Ø   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?       Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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HEALTH MESSAGE:     1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.  2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.  3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.  4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.     AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!

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Marriages

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on).

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WESTPAC Bank - Dead