Splitting Heirs
The air was crisp and fresh as the morning breeze passed through the fields of Xerenack. The sounds of the octo-birds could be heard as they flapped their tentacle wings, keeping them afloat with the clouds in the azure sky. The sun had just risen, and with it, the citizens as well. As always, the citizens woke up chanting their Octopus Ruler’s name.
“Jingles, Jingles, Jingles,” the citizens would all but scream.
It was law that the citizens had to work themselves into a frenzy as soon as they woke up. The young children had to learn quickly, or they would be set aflame. Their parents would continue chanting as they watched their child taste how unfair life was right before death.
This morning was slightly different. Above the sounds of Jingles’ name being chanted, a regular scream was emitted. The guards rushed to the offender, not to aid, but to strike down the laws of the land on this unfortunate specimen. The guards approached a quickly dying octopus citizen, slowly shrivelling up as it leaked its life fluid- ink, the guards’ lit torch and bucket of gasoline in tow.
The citizen lay on the soiled ground, gasping its final breaths as its eyes quickly clouded over. It inched its tentacle towards the guards’ general area. It managed to whisper, “Jingles…Jing- Jingles,” before the guards dumped the gasoline on the almost-corpse and lit it up like a college party on a Thursday night. The guards sighed as they watched the citizen turn to ash. What a show.
“That’s the fifteenth one this month! What are these degenerates thinking?” said Guard A.
“Yeah, I don’t understand. Why stab yourself and then not say our Ruler’s name loud enough? They know they’ll die for such things.” continued Guard B.
The Detective of Xerenack came out of the early morning shadows. It walked over to the still burning body and lit five cigarettes that it started smoking at once. The guards were in awe at how cool The Detective was and immediately asked for an autograph tattoo. For those of you unfamiliar with what an autograph tattoo is, I’ll explain. Once agreed to, a dagger is brandished, heated to 1,000+ degrees, like on those YouTube videos, and the dagger is then scraped into the skin of the willing participant.
The Detective was more than willing and had its dagger ready. It wiped off the ink that was still fresh on the blade and heated it on the fire for a good hour. The guards were jittering in place the entire time, even as citizens screamed for their aid as a Gang of Sharks ravaged the city. Once heated, The Detective approached the two and autographed their skin with The Detective’s signature, “The D.” It was noon by the time both autographs were done as it took several attempts, and the dagger had to reheated more than once. All-in-all, it was a huge waste of time.
The Detective stalked off after the autograph tattoos were completed. The Detective was now smoking six cigarettes and the guards were in further awe of how cool that was. The guards were tempted to ask for a second tattoo because of this, so they did. The guards rounded the corner to ask for another autograph tattoo, but The Detective had already sprinted pretty far with its tentacles. In reality, it was only maybe a house and a half away, but the guards had a full morning and didn’t have the energy to keep up. The Detective was seen heading to the castle where the Octopus Ruler, Jingles, resided.
In the throne room, two siblings were pacing the floor, as the rest of the court looked uncomfortable. Jingles was nowhere to be seen and there was an epidemic. Citizens were being killed in the early mornings and nothing was being done. The siblings were trying to argue that the land of Xerenack was too large to be ruled by one octopus. They had previously urged Jingles, their own parent, to split the land and allow them to rule as well to keep a better eye on the octopus citizens. Jingles had struck this idea down each time, claiming he would be lonely. Now, with Jingles nowhere to be seen, the siblings were urging the court to approve the split.
“Our parent is incompetent. We need to have this land split to better help the citizens. Watch over them in smaller groups!” This was said by the older sibling, Ess. Ess’ younger sibling, Exx, nodded in agreement.
The eldest of the court cleared their throat before speaking. “Now, now, we all know that your parent, the Octopus Ruler, Jingles would never allow such a thi-“
The door smashing open made the elder stop short. In rode Jingles on a skateboard, smoking multiple cigarettes in a leather jacket. To be quite honest, Jingles looked rad as fuck. Jingles did a kickflip over its children, reaching down to slap their faces, before landing in the ruling chair. Both children grasped their face and couldn’t stop crying.
Jingles looked at the camera and cheekily said, “did someone say my name?” The court laughed as the children continued to quietly sob. The laughter continued for hours until the children stopped crying and regained their composure.
“Parent! The citizens are in danger. Each day, another dies. The guards immediately burn the bodies because of the law of the land for not chanting your name loud enough. Because their bodies have been turned to ash, The Detective is unable to investigate the bodies.” Ess was shouting this at Jingles. “Something has to be done!”
Jingles contemplated the child for a moment before turning to a young guard and stating, “remove Exx from my sight and throw them in the dungeon.”
Exx was removed from the room while shouting that they hadn’t said anything. The young guard gingerly gripped Exx’s tentacles. Jingles did not know, but Exx and the guard had been in love for some time and they probably wouldn’t be going to the type of dungeon Jingles had in mind.
Ess and Jingles began arguing back and forth about what had been happening. Ess was demanding to speak with The Detective and for the guards to take a hiatus away from burning the citizens alive until the killer was tracked down and brought to justice.
“No, no, no. You know as well as I do that no one knows who The Detective is. And I doubly know that I am definitely not The Detective. But, if I was, I wouldn’t want the guards to stop burning those citizens. Because they broke the law and I am a detective of the law. I mean. No, I am not The Detective.” Jingles coughed after speaking. Breathing was hard for it because of smoking so much, something that Jingles and The Detective had in common, among other things.
Ess turned away and huffed as they left the court. Ess had another plan to scour the land to keep the citizens safe. Ess and Exx were going to split the land in two and each would watch a part of the land until the killer was found and brought to justice. Ess found the young guard and Exx and told them of the plan. They would begin tonight.
The Detective walked the Eastern quarter, holding a sick dagger, laughing to himself in the moonlight. They were ready, once again, to spill some ink. The Detective had gotten bored of signing autograph tattoos and wanted to use the dagger for something more fun. Murder. All The Detective had to do was stand outside a door and as a citizen stepped outside, The Detective would slice into their spongy form. Jingles had made this all too easy for The Detective, as the law made it so the citizens had to be outside during the morning ritual.
The Detective watched as the sun began to rise, and as the door began to open, The Detective was tackled to the ground by Ess, Exx and the young guard. The Detective’s dagger flew out of their tentacles and slashed into the citizen, killing them, as The Detective’s face was pushed into the dirt and its hat flew into the distance before being scooped up by an octo-bird. Ess, Exx, and the young guard chanted Jingles’ name over and over as was necessary, but the guards noticed that The Detective, with their mouth pushed into the ground, was not.
The guards readied their torch and gasoline bucket as the young guard flipped over The Detective, ready to watch their face as the burned alive. The Detective was flipped over and there laid Jingles. The guards stopped, unsure if they could still burn their ruler alive because of the law.
“Parent, why?” screamed Ess and Exx.
Jingles laughed and calmly stated, “because I was bored.”
The guards, feeling conflicted about having to burn their ruler, and now mourning their choice of their autograph tattoo, approached. A bargain was struck up and it was decided that Jingles would be forced to leave and live in solitude from now on. A story would be made up that the dead citizen, was the killer, and both The Detective and Jingles had brought them down, but at the cost of their own lives.
Jingles didn’t agree, but had no choice, and left to study in a laboratory, swearing they would reclaim their land and their citizens. The two siblings agreed to split the land, Xerenack, into Xerenaxia, which would be ruled by Exx, and Snerack, ruled by Ess. There would still be only the one castle and a line was drawn down the middle of it for the two rulers. Exx and the young guard stayed together and welcomed a child of their own, while Ess claimed the farmhands were their children. The siblings had solved their problems, like killing two octo-birds with multiple citizen deaths.
