Insecurities and Anxieties
For the past week I have been having chest pain and easy fatigability and, from what I have learned yesterday, skip beats. I also had a 2D-echo and the results show a mitral valve so thick for my age, because you can see just how hyperechoic it is compared to my tricuspid, and I saw first hand how my heart just stops and then goes after. It was really scary. It has got me to search for the various reasons it could have happened. The first thing I thought was maybe the various sore throats I had would be something caused by Streptococcus pyogenes but then that would just mean that my heart valves won’t have a chance to get better at all. My doctor gave me pills for GERD. Maybe the various times I skipped meals and ate a lot after, I guess it would really have repercussions. After a week of this struggle, I have been contemplating on what is the real reason I am having this problem. What really is happening to me? If my heart problem is not really caused by something external, maybe it has been caused by something internal.
When I entered college, I had a girlfriend. She was the only one who she wanted me to talk to. She does not want anyone else for me to be with and she does not want me to develop any substantial friendships with anyone else also. In the end, when I graduated from highschool, I guess I slipped away from a lot of my friends. It is really sad thinking that I let a lot of them go just for the sake of one girl, one girl who cheated on me. I had a group of friends who called ourselves George and that I was the tall one. The only person I kinda still talk to from that group is Kim. The basketball varsity I was a part of really had me away compared to the others. Then there is this small group of friends I had that enjoyed drinking, but now in medicine I guess I am the only one not invited since I was always too busy. Even then in my undergrad course I felt detached from my highschool, and even more so after.
There was one memorable thing in UST and in that I would never regret. I joined YFC! The one in UST is the largest campus based YFC in the world. With that big of a family, I got to meet a lot of people. I had a contact person from each college in UST, and then some. I was able to say “hi” and “hello” to someone in each corner of UST and I built my foundation of self esteem right there. I was well known and I had a lot of people to count on, but then in the end whenever I got home, I never felt anyone. I never felt anyone there. The president before me was almost non-existent. He never really talked to me much until the time where a new president was needed. He then talked to me after the council got to know each other well and then he left me after appointing me as the new president. There were no pointers or help or anything. He just flew out and left me there. My progression in the service was supposed to be something out of love but I could not help but thing it was also fueled by my overwhelming feeling of being better than him and how he treated our college. After all of YFC, I felt old. I felt as if I knew a lot of things about our service, technically and spiritually, and it came to a point I felt so spiritually dry that I seeked some other sort of sustenance, and that is when I met The Feast and my bestfriend and I grew a lot more and I learned a lot more. I know now that I am not fit for YFC anymore and sadly I lost the same amount of people I gained throughout the experience. Some are still close but a lot would not really hold me in high regard so I guess I should just learn to let go.
One of the closest friends I ever had in college consisted of a small circle of friends in our medtech class and we were always told that we were the “mabait” type of friends who had no vices and our typical night out was eating or watching a movie or going to Timezone. They were really nice people and we started being cliquish to one another. There were times that everyone would have an issue with anyone and it was something normal. One thing we really never let go off much was the fact that we had a super GC classmate who always let our intelligence down and the same guy had a crush on me and was very physical to all of us guys and it was really awkward and ew ew ew ew. There came a time when they were becoming so insensitive and distant to some other people in the group, me included, and it started to form gaps in the circle. Over time, we started drifting apart and it did not occur to me to even save them. I just let them go. I guess sometimes we still meet, but the meetings are few and far between but I want them to still happen. Let us make things happen. Let us be like BDO; we make things happen.
I also have a little confession to make. I have been very iffy with a very close friend of mine. He was a close friend of mine since college and up to now in medicine, but it really saddens me at a lot of times seeing him being the center of attention and all of that. When I was in college, the same small circle of friends in medtech always loved him. He was always being searched up by my friends whenever I am around. I played basketball too and my basketball friends always referred to him as “master” with all the reverence and high stature that the name accompanies. When the time came for our internship, I still was with him for 2 hospitals and in one I became his groupmate still and I guess you can see there that he was still the apple of the eye of many of the people I met there. Up to this day, when I see those intern friends, all they ask is where is him. Fast forward to medical school and all the instagram stories of my subsec contain him. I remember one day when a dear dear dear friend of mine said how handsome he is, and I was a bit downed ever since that day and I still can’t forget it because she kinda knows how I felt about him. I do not really get it. I try to be nice and kind but they always seem to steer away from me and look for him and it fills me with anxiety because I cannot stop comparing myself to him in all aspects, be it in academic or socially, and in the end I just become a speck of dust in the lives of a lot of people while he would always be a sparkling diamond that would catch anyone’s gaze.
Speaking of about my subsec, they were the liveliest of the bunch. We shared stories and notes. They drank a lot and it became a bonding session of the sorts. It is the first time I ever slept over at a classmate’s house just for kicks and not for any required school work. I enjoyed being with them because I thought maybe this time I would have friends who would be there for me and talk to me and just ask how I am doing. I soon noticed something that was reminiscent of what happened before. They started making small sub groups and then they would have their own time for meals together, and there I was waiting in my dorm for a simple text or call or invite. I soon started to just stop seeing them altogether, since the guy I mentioned before is also a part of those subgroups. It really is weird because they always ran off together after classes or exams and I always get left alone to subsequently walk alone and to return to my dorm and feel oh so lonely.
Anyways, my bestfriend told me that she has noticed my passive aggressiveness and that is stems from these things and this I quote from Wikipedia since it is the most trustworthy site for information:
“Passive-aggressive disorder may stem from a specific childhood stimulus (e.g., alcohol/drug addicted parents, bullying, abuse) in an environment where it was not safe to express frustration or anger. Families in which the honest expression of feelings is forbidden tend to teach children to repress and deny their feelings and to use other channels to express their frustration. For example, if physical and psychological punishment were to be dealt to children who express anger, they would be inclined to be passive aggressive.”
Now is that one that would describe me? Do I feel this anxious and insecure self and express it as a passive aggressive person? I do not really know. We were thought that the subconscious blocks out what is known in the unconscious, using various defense mechanisms to ease tension and anxiety and reduce it’s effects. With me trying to figure out what is wrong with me, I willfully cast aside my frustrations free and let it hit me head on. I want to know what is wrong with me, and if it is related to how I have also been feeling for the past few months. I see my friends going out to different places with people they have known for a long time. I see my own group of friends going out and me not knowing they went out. I feel left out. I feel as if I have no group of friends to cling on. It is hard for me to tell this even to my bestfriend cause she would feel offended by these things I am saying and it is not her fault at all. It is just me looking for a family that I never had. Maybe I am just looking for the love and care that some of my friends have. My dormmate before always called her mom before going to sleep. Some parents are so clingy to my classmates. The only time my parents texted me during the weekday was when there was a flood in first year college that had me stranded for a week, but I guess they thought I was doing alright for the other times before and after that. When I opened this up to my parents, they just told me that they trusted me and that they know that I will be alright. It was something so far from how they treated me in highschool that it left me to wonder...
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