Randomness

Rambling

[gaahgirl]

[vanpeltfoto]

My friend, the forest, is quiet and respectful.

Teeming with life and dignified growth.

Photosynthesis is my companion now.

The world enters through leaves, breaks apart in silence, and returns as something I can almost live with.

(Photo: d.)

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[lifeafterpsychiatry]

How do you define ‘anti psych’ for yourself? I see the tag but I’m not really sure what that means. Thank you for your time.

I think psychiatry as the societal institution it is does far more harm than good, and that it cannot be effectively separated from its carceral role in society and its legacy of oppression, violence, bad science and bigotry. I want full rights and autonomy for mentally ill people, and while I recognize and accept that some of us would still want to engage with things like therapy, psych meds and diagnostic labels in a different world, I want that to only happen in a context of informed consent and full autonomy which we don't have today.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

do u think a therapist can have a clinical practice in an ethical way?

If you work within the context of psychiatry the carceral institution, having an ethical practice (not coercing and forcing treatment, even in cases where it's legally required) is often explicitly against the law and will risk your career. This does make it really hard to be fully ethical as a psychiatric authority in practice, even if you have all the best intentions and share psych critical and pro-autonomy views. Some people do find ways around this and take these risks, and it is possible to find ways to work with the mentally ill which does not include officially being a psychiatric authority in the carceral institution of psychiatry. I absolutely don't think an interest in the field of psychology/psychiatry is inherently unethical by itself. But it is not easy to have an ethical practice as a therapist or psychiatrist in a context where coercion and force is written into the law in many cases.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

A few days ago I snapped at a friend who was venting to me in a really hurtful and aggressive manner. They'd been venting for a while (and I was fine with it, encouraged them to talk about their emotions, but they said some things that frustrated me and I snapped.) I apologised for it, and I'll do my best to make sure I never do it again, but I still feel bad about it. I'm worried that they're upset with me, which would be completely justified, but I'm more worried that they're blaming themselves over it and that they'll choose to not talk to me even if they need to or invalidate their own feelings. I feel really bad and I really regret it but I'm not sure what to do about it. Thanks for letting me vent this in your inbox, I hope you've been having a good day :)

I think what might be helpful is to recognize when you are being overwhelmed or triggered by venting and to step away before you reach the point where you might snap from the frustration. I'm not saying you should shut them down or tell them not to vent, but it will actually be both safer and more constructive if you allow yourself to have and express your own boundaries as needed. "This is triggering me a bit and I need to step away for a little while/I need a minute to process and stay calm, can we return to this subject later?" absolutely isn't the same as not wanting to listen and be there, and it will make the conversation easier and safer for both of you.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

i've stopped trying to go to therapy because every bit of advice or coping strategy i've ever been given, i never use.

i don't know if it's some form of demand avoidance or because i've genuinely never been given useful coping strategies, but i don't use them. in fact, i've actively engaged in things that i know are harmful, that i've previously expressed to the therapist that i want to stop doing, over anything they suggest doing instead.

i've been told it's a difference of "willingness" vs "willfulness," which is a kind way of saying that i'm stubborn and inflexible.

i don't disagree? in terms of behaviour, sure, i've struggled with the same things for as long as i can remember. but in terms of mindset i fluctuate all the time. i have months where i'm the most sullen person in any room you put me in and then others where its the complete opposite. i also pride myself on my ability to change my mind about things.

i'd rather like to think that i've been struggling in the same ways for so long because my material conditions have never changed drastically enough for me to struggle any other way.

is it my fault for not throwing myself at the wall over and over again? should i relish in the thought of breaking my bones so they can heal stronger? or should i see that the wall is removed, so that i never need to throw myself at it in the first place?

i think therapists sometimes think i put the wall there myself. and if that were true i think i would have the same tools to remove it.

anyways, thanks for listening.

I think it's both actively harmful and completely unhelpful when therapists just blame the patient if the therapy isn't working, instead of questioning and adjusting their own approach. If there are barriers, either material ones or ones relating to your mental and physical ability or both, which make you unable to actually apply a coping skill in practice, the only relevant solution is facing and trying to accommodate these barriers. If a therapist isn't willing to do that, and instead assumes you are simply not trying hard enough on purpose, there is absolutely no use in seeing them.

[h4nifah]

a lot of people think that holding on tightly to things and never letting go is a virtue but I think there’s a lot of strength, bravery, and emotional intelligence in being able to walk away from a situation that no longer serves you, even if it was something you once really wanted or invested a lot of time and energy in. it’s not failure to re-evaluate a situation and redirect yourself to something more worthwhile instead of beating a dead horse

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

When I was hospitalized psychiatrically, I had severe symptoms that were dismissed as psychosomatic despite being confirmed by many medical exams. Needless to say, my health is fucked now.

It's a genuine position of danger associated with having been psychiatrized that people will now automatically assume that any physical symptom you complain about must be happening entirely in your head, BEFORE any proper testing or examination has actually taken place. And this assumption literally ruins lives and kills people on a regular basis, as no mental illness has ever made anyone immune to also developing serious physical health issues.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

i very recently realized that i think i've been experiencing some mild psychotic symptoms on and off for months in the form of delusions and paranoid thoughts. i've been under extreme stress during this time which i assume is a contributor. it's caused me to repeatedly accuse my loved ones of trying to control and/or sabotage me in various ways which obviously has placed a lot of strain on those relationships. having this realization has been distressing, and i absolutely don't want to continue behaving the way i have been, but i am very reluctant to take antipsychotics due to my knowledge of the side effects and i am extremely wary of the negative impacts that having a diagnosis like this on my chart could result in. i don't know what to do. i don't expect you to tell me what to do, but i figured you'd probably understand where i'm coming from somewhat while most people i know would see my opposition to psychiatric treatment as a symptom in itself if i told them this.

While antipsychotics might sedate you to a point where you are less likely to express/act on those thoughts and experiences (if you do have intense internal experiences at all while on the meds), the common idea that they will in fact go in and directly control the psychosis is nothing but a very successful marketing pitch.

They aren't antipsychotics as much as they are tranquilizers, and while some people do find that sedation to be helpful in relation to the psychosis, or preferable to being psychotic in an undrugged state, they aren't a straightforward solution which will directly target the psychotic symptoms themselves, and they are on top of that invasive medications which come with a lot of potential side effects.

So I definitely think it's worth thinking through whether you want "psychotic" in your papers, especially if you don't know whether you actually want to try antipsychotics, as they often arrive with a degree of force or coercion once you've been officially labeled psychotic.

It sounds like you do have some insight in what's been going on, at least when it isn't actively happening to you, and I definitely think you should try to communicate to your loved ones that sometimes you have some weird reactions to stress that might result in uncomfortable behavior, tell them you're working on it, and discuss how they can recognize it happening and how they should and shouldn't react when it happens.

You don't necessarily have to use the word psychosis to do this - simply going "sometimes when I'm stressed I get paranoid, and while I'm working on reducing my stress and these reactions, if I do act weird in this or that way towards you, it would be really helpful if you didn't take it too personally and instead did XYZ", might help reduce future conflicts a bit. Especially if you're able to reach out, apologize and talk it through once you've calmed down.

And especially if these experiences are mild and seem to be directly tied to stress, working on reducing your stress levels while communicating with your loved ones about how to react if you do act weird might honesty work better than going on antipsychotics.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

one thing i hate about psychiatry is that i am on a controlled med for ptsd with severe panic attacks (specifically a benzodiazepine, which are highly stigmatized). i barely take it (it’s PRN—i take it maaaaybe once a week if that), but if i need it and dont have it, i call ems or go to the emergency room because i get convinced i am dying. before i was prescribed it, i was severely agoraphobic. couldn’t work or leave the house to socialize or anything. the only time i left the house was to go to the hospital, which happened about 3x/wk because that’s how severe and frequent my panic attacks were and i didn’t complain of panic attacks. i was thoroughly convinced i was dying of heart failure, had so many medical tests done.

anyway, i do have POTS, not heart failure, but after being prescribed that, i have been able to function. i can work again. i can leave the house and have fun. i was even able to enjoy a haunted house this halloween (something i NEVER would have thought i could do with my panic attacks—thought i’d leave in an ambulance).

but i live in fear that my prescriber will decide i don’t need it anymore. or move. or retire. or drop me as a patient. and if i go elsewhere and ask to be put back on it, i’ll be drug seeking. even though i have zero history of drug use—and even if i did, so? that doesn’t negate the ptsd! but i digress. i’ve been stable taking this med infrequently as a PRN, my panic attacks have slowed down significantly to the point that sometimes i can even talk myself down without the med. i’ve been on it since 2021. and i worry that someone is going to go on a power trip and take away what has been a miracle drug for me

Being reliant on a controlled substance is so scary, as to some professionals any desire or use of controlled substances is inherently suspect, meaning that you're constantly at the risk of being labeled a drug seeking addict by someone who has a different view of the drug in question than the person who prescribed it - regardless of how responsibly you're using it and how genuinely helpful it is - and this label is then likely to follow you around elsewhere once it's been applied by anyone in a position of authority, no matter how superficial their knowledge of your situation actually is. This is a good example of how the stigma of addiction really doesn't help anyone.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

(same person who was venting about fear of prescriber taking away medication)

also every time i went to the ER for cardiac symptoms (even though i was very much also panicking; i was still having cardiac symptoms and they were compounding each other) they treated me like i was crazy. i knew some of it was real. i did eventually get a diagnosis (POTS) but i think being ignored and having my concerns dismissed for so long traumatized me more and that’s why my panic attacks got so bad i couldn’t leave the house.

The medical neglect happening even in ERs is genuinely horrifying

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

It truly is insane how, even when psychiatrists agree to let you reduce or quit your psych meds, it's usually done with a clear messaging of "if you have ANY uncomfortable reactions or increase in symptoms at all, you need to go back up in dose immediately" when actually the vast majority of psych meds cause physical withdrawals which will likely cause uncomfortable symptoms and reactions within the first weeks to a month of reducing dose NO MATTER WHAT. That this is not communicated and is sold as "proof that you really need the meds indefinitely" instead of a usually temporary withdrawal process which will very often stabilize by itself within weeks to a couple months, is genuinely fucking despicable - especially considering the often limited positive effects and severe side effects which are usually people's reasoning for wanting to reduce or quit a psychiatric medication.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

Like a lot of people who desire to quit or reduce psych meds will very understandably panic even at the predictable and usually temporary withdrawal process because they weren't told about it, and because of this lack of warning and knowledge, they will (often strongly encouraged by their psychs) assume that this is their mental illness itself responding directly to the lack of medication, which they will then be encouraged to keep taking uncritically indefinitely, regardless of why they originally wanted to reduce or quit the medication.

[hauntedmoundyaoi]

and another thing i notice about people who promote therapy as the end all be all is that if you go to therapy and god forbid it doesn't work for you, it's always your fault. you didn't actually do what your therapist wanted. you weren't putting in the work. it can never be that your therapists were the problem, or that maybe the whole system is flawed. it's your fault and your fault alone.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

I'm so sick of constantly seeing mentally ill and disabled people get accused of "not even trying" and "not putting in the work" just because they aren't getting better, when the real problem usually isn't a malicious lack of effort and motivation, but is instead based in the "solutions" offered either not being real solutions to the problem at hand, or not actually being realistically accessible. But I guess it's easier to blame and shame struggling individuals than to face systemic issues or grapple with the fact that sometimes some things just aren't within our control.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

And it's not that I don't think mentally ill people should try to "do the work" or whatever, it's that I fundamentally don't accept the narrative that mental health issues are a result of lacking effort/motivation/work

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

met my friend's gf, she knows i'm bipolar. We were talking abt creativity, and how a lot of ppl myself included are scared of losing it bc of meds. She started talking abt her "unmedicated bipolar cousin". I flinched, then she went on to say he was "a menace" for like getting into fights and pulling a knife on his family. Guess she thought I'd find that scary or punishable, but I don't, and I immediately thought the family must have fucked up bad to miss de escalating, with someone they supposedly know enough to know about his mental health in depth, and let it get to that point. She mentioned he was hospitalized at some point and that's the only time he stopped being creative, she said she didnt recognize him anymore. But she still went on to say that if him being medicated meant that his behaviour would stop she would gladly say goodbye to his creative side... couldnt rly argue that much bc other ppl were around... Feels gross...

Okay, so while I do think it's important to look at cases of violence and aggressive behavior in mentally ill people with the necessary context, compassion and nuance, jumping to "they probably did something to deserve it" in relation to episodes of violence isn't suddenly unproblematic and progressive because the perpetrator is mentally ill. I don't think this family necessarily "let" him pull a knife on them or "deserved" it or whatever. Obviously there may be a context of abuse here that isn't mentioned in the story as you heard it, but we still need to avoid jumping into the opposite lane where violence is always deserved and rational, because it's usually more complex than that.