so, do you have sex whilst in cosplay?
Sorry it took me a bit to answer this one. Ā My convention was extremely busy, although really rewarding, and Iāve had a lot to do since getting home. Ā Iām also still dealing with what might be a cold that I seem to have picked up at the convention. Ā I do try and answer all asks that come into my box that I think are generally relevant and merit a response. Ā I sometimes miss asks, and for that I do apologize for that. Ā I did see this one but didnāt have the time or energy to respond to it properly.
This question is a little funny, because for anybody who has read my work, it seems like itād be pretty straightforward to deduce. Ā I mean, I recently wrote an extended scene about lingerie shopping that explicitly references costumes. Ā I get that fiction is fiction, but I am also pretty straight about the fact that I write from personal experience. Ā Iām not frightened or ashamed or alarmed about sex. Ā Whatever. Ā People should be able to do whatever they want to do so long as what theyāre doing is consensual and safe within relative guidelines (I mean, I also think people should have the right to be unsafe. Ā I just think that itās stupid.)
So, if I had been asked this in person by someone Iām not familiar with, my answer would have been something along the lines of āhahahaha not with you, nerd.ā Ā Iām heartless and brutal with unwanted attention lol. Ā Iām stupidly vain and love being admired though.
Iām also in a very serious committed relationship and completely uninterested in anyone else besides my partner. Ā Sorry, I know Iām basically the most amazing human being who has ever existed, but there is only one of me and I canāt be married to everybody. Ā Your loss, amirite?
I know Iām probably being presumptive here, but Iām not just talking to you, anon, but to anybody else who may be ready to ask me on a date lol.
Asked as a general question, I can give a much better answer, and a more useful one.
I think imagination, roleplay, costumes, dramatic cosmetics, all of these things are wonderful parts of a healthy sexual life. Ā They may not be for everybody, but as a person whoās heavily involved in creative work, it informs my life experience. Ā I think trying to engage in sexual expression without my imagination, my empathy, my charisma, and my flair for dramatics would be terribly dull and uninteresting.
Many people are alarmed and ashamed of the idea of sex, certainly of any kind of sex which might not be the proper kind of sex had in the proper kind of way. Ā Iām an extremely unconventional person in that I donāt adhere to or respect conventions that I think serve no purpose in the social contract. Ā I am conscientious about other peopleās feelings, but I sure donāt live my life according to what other people think is appropriate or inappropriate. Ā Iām a very value oriented person, and I live passionately according to my values.
One of my most basic and core values can be exhibited in this way:
Letās say that thereās an overriding social concern. Ā The concern could be absolutely anything, like āitās not appropriate to divorce when you have childrenā or āadults shouldnāt collect toys.ā Ā In this case, weāre going to say itās āitās inappropriate to have sex while pretending to be someone else through imagination, costume, etc.ā Ā Iām sure plenty of people think this, just like plenty of people think the first two I suggested as well.
This taboo or over concern about sex in costume is pointless. Ā People having sex wearing different clothing than normal causes no harm or injury to anyone, so long as the sex is consensual, and this is not an issue related to consent at all. Ā Not only is it pointless, but itās actively harmful, since some people who would not be able to find appropriate fulfillment without exploring this avenue hate on themselves for their wants and desires because that useless social concern exists. Ā So, to recap: it doesnāt do anything useful for society or for individuals. Ā Additionally, itās detrimental to the self-esteem of plenty of people who want to engage in this completely benign activity.
So you can see what I mean about feeling passionately about my values. Ā I never do anything ājust becauseā or āthatās how weāve always done itā or āthatās the appropriate way to do it.ā Ā And I always encourage people to go against the grain and follow their hearts to what they really want to explore in themselves and in their partners. Ā Anything else is a life half lived, and weāve got precious little time enough on this planet as it is.
I find most taboos about sex and relationships to be tedious if theyāre not specifically based on consent or safety. Ā One of the things I continually write about is the normalization of sexual activities that are considered weird or gross or just ānice people donāt do thatā or āonly a freak would be interested in that.ā
Thatās bullshit, and unhelpful bullshit at that. Ā People spent a huge amount of their time and energy worrying about and stressing over the kind of sex theyāre interested in. Ā Many people make themselves miserable for most of their lives by telling themselves that whatever they want to do sexually is horribly bad and wrong when most of the time, itās completely harmless. Ā You just need a consenting (and hopefully enthusiastic) partner or partners.
Iām not afraid to talk about this honestly when asked. Ā I think answering honestly is a good way to destigmatize things like this, so that people who do what to try costumes or roleplaying for sex will feel more able to ask their partners for it. Ā It doesnāt make you weird or gross or disgusting. Ā These kinds of issues are things that people in relationships need to talk about. Ā People really donāt, and thatās a problem that leads to a lot of unhappiness.
Itās often really funny to me how vanilla people are when they think theyāre actually like, super deviant. Ā Human beings are interested in all different kinds of sexual expression. Ā So long as itās consensual and involves partners that have the ability to consent, itās all fine. Ā The fact that we still have so many hangups and taboos are relics of a past weāre still growing out of as a species.
I think itās inevitable that weāll always have some sexual taboos, but hopefully more and more people will be thoughtful enough to recognize how pointless taboos just hurt individuals without providing any useful benefit to individuals or society.
TLDR: More people should do things that are fun and stop being so worried about what everybody else thinks. Ā Personal sexual expression is generally a private matter for me and I never talk specifics about my own life except as a way of destimatizing healthy sexual exploration.
