So many things have changed since I’ve last posted, and in some odd way, I feel obligated to update this platform about my life, so that way when I look back.. I remember all the things that made me who I am / will be. A trip down memory lane is food for the soul.
But with that, comes to the realization that people I’ve once posted about are no longer in my life, that job I once worked is no longer mine, and well.. things are always shifting.
I’m in therapy now. I’ve always talked about it, I’ve just never committed. Primarily due to my ignorance, mixed with denial that it could get to the point where I need someone who’s paid hourly to listen to my deepest darkest secrets and past traumas.
I’ve never felt more barricaded inside my brain wiring than I do at this time. I only hope, that with time and more sessions I can piece myself together again. Or at least back to the shattered poorly glued together vase me.
Change is a scary concept.
Change is a scary concept.
CHANGE IS A SCARY CONCEPT.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve *OFFICIALLY* lost my mind. I don’t think the way I used to.. and maybe I’ll never get back to the old me. Isn’t that the point? Isn’t that what we are all trying so desperately to run away from? Our older versions of ourselves so we can blur out the bad. Or maybe, perhaps there was nothing ever wrong with who we used to be.
I miss a lot of things. Even the times where I thought I was at my “rock bottom” little did I know, I hadn’t even begun to fall yet.
I miss my late night runs with my best friends to get food and going back to their house, because with them I was safe and that’s all I needed.
I miss singing at the top of my lungs in that car to Disney songs, and having a slightly elevated heart rate as we sped through country roads.
Letting the sun glisten off my body at the pool while listening to metal music because I could, and no one was going to stop me.
Working with kids at the Daycare and knowing how pure they were and no matter what I was going through, they could put a smile on my face.
I miss my Mamaw being in Indiana, and while I could write an entire book on that.. I’ll refrain for some things are too painful to come to terms with.
I told my therapist that I only know how to live in the past, thus causing me not being able to live in the present which is making me extremely fearful of my further.
I now have my own apartment, dog, boyfriend of almost two years, good paying job. So why am I always depressed?
I miss the smell of my moms perfume after she’d get done getting ready or listening to her laugh at videos she’d stumble upon on Facebook. I took for granted the small moments, and things she’d do for me. Being on my own is a feeling. I didn’t move far from my nest, I’m starting to believe I’ve always had a broken wing. I’ll never not need my mom.
Time. Maybe I’m afraid of time? I wish I could re live certain moments, I don’t adjust to change well. Maybe the answer is TIME.
And so they say, “Only time will tell”
izzy806
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