playing house ||self past para
San Fran. Michaels Residence. 20xx.
Groaning, the red head dragged a hand down her tired face, rubbing away the day as she wandered up the stairs on their shared home. Dogs running around her ankles, the weight of the week was finally coming down onto her as dragged herself into the bathroom. Showering and standing in her robe, she stretched and yawned as the 12 hour shift caught up to her. Justin wandered in kissing her cheek, talking about his day and his week and everything else he could to fill the silence that once settled into their bathroom. Running her toothbrush under the stream she smiled and nodded along as he went through his own motions, this is everything sheâd ever wanted but suddenly things felt confusing. It was a near miracle they werenât fighting, he was always so concerned with everything, how they looked or who was chatting with her more fondly that week or his boxing, god his stupid fragile masculinity. As of late the fights revolved around her choice of friends, sure she had plenty of girl friends now, more than she ever dreamed up, but it was her male friends that seemed to be their issues. Oliver was too nice to her at work, or Mason smiled at her too long so they must like her romantically, in his eyes that is what it was. Max was the sore subject for them, Justin hated him and the feeling was very mutual she was sure of it.
Continuing the motions she continued on brushing her teeth, letting her mind continue to wander. Did Max really give off some vibe she never realized? No, that was stupid. He enjoyed being a bachelor, he always had, but the more she began to analyze the more she started to freeze. She still wasn't sure if it was her tired brain tricking her or if her brain was finally catching up to her heart, but something in her just..clicked. Her movements faltered as she swallowed hard, âRed?â His voice snapped her out of whatever rabbit hole she fell down as she turned to look at him, toothbrush half hanging out of her mouth as he stood there fresh from the shower, hands holding his towel up as he looked at her, flashes of concern and frustration filled his eyes. âAre you okay?â He questioned and she nodded wordlessly as she leaned over to spit into the sink, her mind reeling. âTired, long dayâ Gabby admitted looking at him and giving a small tired smile, there was absolutely no way she just uncovered layers or emotions for a man who made her blood boil, brushing her teeth while her husband chatted about his day. There was no way.
Hours later, a once tired redhead now laid awake wrapped in her blanket as Justin snored in the spot to her right. Her mind needed an off switch, this was too much. How did she not know it? How did no one else notice? Did everyone notice? Suddenly every single comment made to her regarding them made her head swirl, Justin and Lisa even, god and Sheila, all these people realized before her. Â Every time she encouraged him to get the girl or every time he discussed a new one night stand how did she not realize the own crack in her armor? The crack in the facade that she didnât care about him like that, each girl left a different crack and now it was all coming to a head as she laid in her shared bed with her husband. Her eyes drifted to the man next to her, watching him sleep peacefully next to her unknowing to her internal emotional dilemma, how did this happen? Gabby didnât even know what love was until she met Justin, she was sure of it- but as she lays here and assesses the relationship itâs clear this is everything love isnât supposed to feel like.
This wasnât what her life was supposed to be, sitting in an expensive house wrapped up in imported sheets, expensive jewelry and cars and trips planned out, if she looked in the mirror would she even recognize herself? Is this what she tricked herself into thinking? That this was all fine? Swallowing hard she turned away from him, moving to reach for her phone, her thumb hovered over Maxâs contact, a stupid blurred picture of him held its slot. As Justin shifted next to her froze, locking her screen quickly just in case the light woke him up, that was the last thing she needed. The silence is near suffocating, and soon emotions flood through her, all she wanted to do was tell Max, but none of it would be right, he was perfectly content with the single life, and even if he wasnât; her? Â Heâd never settle down, not when this was easier for him, and soon crept in the longing. Would he ever feel that way for her? Had he before, was she too blind to see it?
San Fran. Event Hall, 20xx.
The music was too loud, people were rustling and moving around her as she leaned against the cold wall. Justin just had a giant fight, tons of press and blood and so much going on. Ever the supporting wife, she was here and god did she hate every single second of this night. Dressed in an outfit she hated, a dress and heels, his athletic jacket hung over her arms as she watched him run outta the ring. Sheâd watched him win round after round, ignoring every pain and punch thrown his way, and it was moments like this she genuinely wondered how she got to where she was. Justin wasnât a horrible man, she definitely out did herself, he was pretty and he supported her but something about him wasnât sitting correctly anymore. When she had that ridiculous emotional revelation about Max, everything seemed so pointless. Her marriage, this entire situation she had herself in was idiotic. Everything about it was ruined for her. The overwhelming flow of jealousy that coursed through her when he talked about Lisa, or hell even her cousin made her more irritable and cranky and she had to pass it off as period hormones whenever Justin questioned it. The adoration that creeped in when he smiled at her too long, or did things heâd normally hate just because she asked, even she couldnât be mad at him for the kisses he gave her and obviously there was that sense of dread having to tell Justin and Lisa but she couldnât stop the warmth that bloomed under all these icky emotions. Max always kissed her like there were no consequences, like they had nothing to lose and each time she had to push it away, and him away, she realized how much she hated it. Not only was she reevaluating her marriage, but also the friendship she shared with Max. She experienced near zero romance before Justin, and she was naive even now, was it possibly she missed cues or hints? People obviously thought there was something there for a reason right? Max was naturally a flirt, so itâs quite possible he never meant anything from it, they were sarcastic to each other constantly, was it cruel to consider that he never meant any comment that came her way like that? A part of her knew it was there, there has to be something there. The lingering stares, the anger towards each other's partners, the undeniable devotion to each other, they'd drop anything for the other even if they claimed they wouldnât. He always put up a hard front but when she ran off to Arizona he contacted her nearly a hundred times, texted to make sure she was okay before ripping into her for the stupidity she had. Max had this layer he always let her peel back, even if he didnât realize it, and that had to count for something, to her it counted for everything.
Her eyes snapped back to the opening, seeing the crowds cheer as he knocked another guy out, dancing around when the other man stayed down, finally securing his win. He was grinning, wider than sheâd seen in months, he looked more happy in the ring then he did besides her. Another nail into the coffin. Straightening her dress, she pulled it down a bit further as he ran back to where she was, beaming and proud of himself, and a part of her was happy for him and another just held such sadness. âCongrats babyâ She said softly to him as he kissed her, he was going on and on about it all, like she hadnât been watching it and for the first time in their entire relationship she didnât care. When she spends hours discussing work, its met with grunts and groans and âthat's so muchâ or âhow do you work like thatâ but he was never interested. Never really cared, and for the first time she was realizing it. Gabby devoted her entire being to him; being his wife, his supporter, his future, and right now she had no idea who she even was anymore. The red head was wordlessly nodding as he spoke to her, trying to keep that smile on her face, just like sheâd done all those times before but she could barely keep the tears from forming in her eyes, she hated him. Walking side by side, she held onto the jacket tighter as her lip quivered, before she put her arm out to stop him from walking. Justin was staring at her with confusion, how did she not realize all this so much sooner?
A part of her prayed and begged whatever gods out there that the new found feelings that surfaced would disappear. However, with each passing day nothing changed. Justin kisses her goodbye and she barely acknowledges it, Â he brings her flowers and the joy is gone, he surprises her with jewelry and trips and they do nothing for her. Every time he tells her he loves her it goes in one ear and out the other, every time he heaves over her and grunts out her name it leaves her feeling hollow and the muscle that once beat for him now strains not to around another. Fights pile up, work becomes the only escape, and distance takes over the love Justin and her once shared. Was Justin just a placeholder or some sort of substitution for what she wanted? Her therapist was going to have a field day with this one. Time doesnât change anything, they continue to grow apart, Max is still a constant in her life and she struggles to focus around him. Things that were once innocent in her mind are now over scanned and romanticized and it took everything in her to hold back how she was feeling. Is this what poets wrote about? The longing. The obsessing need to fill a void that will never be satisfied? Even watching him fight, it used to bring her such pride, such happiness to see him just so devoted to something and now? It was like the events and feelings over the past few weeks were piling up onto her and she couldnât bear to handle it any longer.
Holding his jacket out to him, she paused looking at his chest as she fumbled with words, her eyes finally letting the tears spill as she tried to ignore the anxiety forming in her chest. âI want a divorceâ And just like that it was over. Gasping out, she looked at him, finally meeting his eyes, so much passed through that gaze as she shoved his jacket into his chest, âGabby- whatâ He tried to talk to her but she couldnât hear anything but her own heart beat. The adrenaline was pumping through both of them, his was fueling the anger as hers was fueling the anxiety of it all, he was yelling at her, trying to understand, trying to get an explanation but theyâd been oceans apart for months. âYou arenât even going to look at me!â He yelled, as she started to pull away, he had his hand on her wrists holding her there, and it didnât even matter, while the anxiety was still in her chest, a weight was lifted from her as well. âI owe you nothingâ She whispered softly as they stared at each other. âOh what! Is there someone else? Is it that Mason guy? Or Max? Always knew that asshole couldnât mind his own business. Huh! Who is it? Tell me whatâs going on!â He was yelling, shaking her arms, trying to get her to explain and all she did was sniffle. âIâm unhappy.â She said as they watched each other and he finally let her go. What more could she say to him? âSorry, I realized my feelings for you werenât genuine, wanna take it back?â Like that would go over well. Every insult he flung her way didnât matter, she deserved it, he never wanted to get divorced. She knew Justin always thought they would be forever. Walking away from him was somehow the hardest and easiest thing sheâd ever done. And just like that sheâs the bad guy.
Divorce processing is long and boring and every ounce as draining as she thought itâd be. She doesnât cry anymore, thereâs nothing left, she accepts her fate, doesnât ask for anything and takes whatever Justin gives her. She doesnât want anything to do with him, or this city, or any of it. Moving out is bittersweet, but it helps the healing, especially with every snide comment and poor communication that has risen since their divorce was announced. Her mother resents her for doing this, Justin rarely looks at her, and Abby still tries to reach out, tries to mend things between Justin and her, but it soon turns to nothing. She spent so much of her life independent and single, she wasnât sure why it was so hard to adjust to it again. Eating meals alone, sleeping alone, one set of shoes by the door, no one to spend friday nights with, or early mornings with before work, it was all new to her again. It was hardest to learn to be herself again. Gabby never realized how much she allowed herself to become consumed by him, and their life and their future, all of it. Being herself again was hard, suddenly she had a future unset and it was okay, she didnât need to think about another person or a possible family or whatever else was supposed to pop up for them, just her. Telling people was the hardest part, especially when others didnât understand why they split, she was the bad guy to every single person and it didnât even matter anymore. Â
When she left California, it wasnât supposed to be permanent, never was. Arizona was just a weekend thing, hiking and enjoying the heat and silence but when it came time to drive back, she extended it longer and longer every time until she suddenly had rent to pay there and a whole new life where no one knew her. It lasted a few months, six at best, she tried dating again, worked as a waitress, lived the small life, never questioned anything, it was fake. A guard up around her at all times as she went through motions, Max slipped through her mind a few times but it didnât all come crumbling down until she accidently mumbled the wrong name on a date. All she could do was laugh, and cry and apologize, and cry more. Her life was too much of a mess, and even when she swallowed down her pride and called her mother it helped and she ended up back in her hometown, seeing a local therapist, working small cases, getting her shit together. Putting herself back together was the absolute hardest part of it all, but she wouldnât change a single thing.
Youâre now entering the Golden State...
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