there's a terrible thing about grief where it's like a siren. it's luring you into a bottomless ocean to drown, because drowning is a way of proving your love. because isn't that what the person you lost deserves? weren't they so important and so loved that you should feel the worst of it fresh every single day for the rest of your life? aren't you failing them if it eventually starts to hurt less?
sometimes i think back to the weeks of watching my family fall apart, and what i remember was how powerful and overwhelming everything was. everything hurt so much. everyone around me was hurting so much. i heard people making sounds i'd only ever read about. wailing. keening. i'll never forget my mom sitting on the porch with my brother's shoes in a plastic bag the police had returned to us. hugging that bag to her chest and screaming. i'll never forget how big everything felt.
because the hugeness of grief is paying respect to the person we lost. we are meant to hurt, because that is how we know we loved.
but we aren't meant to live in that place forever. we can't. humans live in the cycle of birth and death, and we are meant to recover. it is not an insult to those we've lost. it is not a failing.
it's healing. it's scabbing over. it's scarring.
memory is fickle. human memory is notoriously inconsistent and unreliable. memory is not a sign of morality. humans forget details because we're human.
but we don't forget love.
i am thirteen years out from my brother's death and here's what i remember:
i remember the way his voice resonated in his chest. he had the deepest voice in the family.
i remember that he always returned my calls, even when he was avoiding other people.
i remember sleeping on his couch after we played rock band and watched the transformers movie.
i remember us sitting upstairs while other people in the family were hashing out an argument downstairs and i read one of his comic issues out loud and how much he laughed at it.
i remember how goddamn funny he was.
i remember spending the day with him and my boyfriend at an amusement park and riding roller coasters all day.
i remember how fucking brilliant he was.
i remember worrying, worrying, worrying so much for him.
you won't forget the important things. i promise. you won't forget the love.
blakekathryn
gracieabrams
baratheonpilled
theartofmadeline
titsay
romaincrisis
yousharknotpass
jacobvanloon
