gaines without frontiers*

*tumblr without tears

[jennyslater]

Two jobs ago, I had the best health insurance I’ve ever had, or probably ever will have. It helped that I worked at UAB, which meant there was a world-class academic health center literally right down the street from my office, but regardless, I could walk into UAB Hospital and have just about any...

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

The result of the play is a touchback by rule. The ball was first touched by the kicking team, batted back into the field of play illegally, and then it was attempted to be recovered, went out of the back of the end zone. As soon as it went out of the end zone, it was then a touchback because it was the KICK that put it into the end zone. Touchback.

NFL referee and explainer extraordinaire, Ed Hochuli, explaining...something.

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

Forgive Me This Minor Ramble About Myself

I've tried to not be too terribly obnoxious about it, but I have mentioned it a few times here and there: since the beginning of the year, I've been working really hard to get into shape. That's no easy feat when you've let yourself go - I mean REALLY let yourself go - over the past decade, channeling a decade's worth of depression, anxiety, soul-sucking underemployment and poor, hurtful life decisions into a never-ending mind-dulling cavalcade of alcohol and pizza. That itself is a story that may someday be told, and there's been a lot of hard work in that regard as well, but as of now I'm choosing to focus on the present, the future, and the positive things hopefully in store therein.

So anyways, I've been working my ass off for the past 6-7 months to improve my physical lot in life. I was tired, literally, of having trouble staying awake, going up stairs, walking around town, fitting into chairs, being self conscious, buying ever-larger pants that were harder and harder to find outside of a big-n-tall (read: FAT PEOPLE) store, and all that other stuff that provided constant reminders of my failure to care for and about myself. In any case, getting into shape is no easy task when you're 5'8" and somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 pounds. So far, I'm down about 60 pounds, with the end goal of another 60 pounds to go. I'm looking much more like my former self, the self I want to be .(physically, anyway, I have no desire to be anything like my 23-year-old self in nearly every other way)

When you're obese, you may focus on things like your love handles, double chin, and beer gut as the primary "this is how fat I am" indicators. And to be sure, those things are obvious and, well, fat. But the thing that you tend to either not notice or ignore about being fat is that you're fat EVERYWHERE, you might just not notice it because it's EVERYWHERE. I have a shaved head. I've always pulled it off well due to a lovely smooth round dome for a head. But I hadn't really noticed until today that my SCALP was fat. Yes, my scalp was fat, pushing fat on the side of my head up against my ears. And now it's no longer so. The tops of my ears are no longer ever-so-slightly pushed out by my bulbous fat shorn scalp. It's pretty cool. Everything was fat on my body, there was fat everywhere. And now there's not.There's still a lot of fat in and on my body, but there's less of it every day.  And that's worth Tumblragging (THAT'S SHORT FOR "TUMBLR BRAGGING," A NEW TERM I JUST INVENTED RIGHT NOW COPYRIGHT 2013 PETER GAINES) about.

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

Walmart's "Real American" Values, Vol. ∞

I needed to buy a couple things for the Fourth of July holiday and found myself in the vicinity of a Walmart. I don't like shopping at Walmart - the company is actively working to hurt American workers and families - but it was nearby and I knew it would be open. 

This is what I saw. Despite its inescapable advertising, it appears the only values Walmart stands for (other than destroying wages and the American middle class) are sexism and racism. 

I left without spending a dime.

[suntimesdarktimes]

Front pages, June 26, 2013. 

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

Which of these papers did NOT recently fire all their photogs?

[hounddogsrunning]

!!!!!!!!!!!

I am forever indebted to sorryyourheinous for dropping this delightful present into my inbox. THANK YOU!

[yourresidentginger]

[basilton]

In the early years of space flight, both Russians and Americans used pencils in space. Unfortunately, pencil lead is made of graphite, a highly conductive material. Snapped graphite leads and particles in zero gravity are hugely problematic, as they will get sucked into the air ventilation or electronic equipment, easily causing shorts or fires in the pure oxygen environment of a capsule.

After the fire in Apollo 1 which killed all the astronauts on board, NASA required a writing instrument that wasn’t a fire hazard. Fisher spent over a million dollars (of his own money) creating a pressurized ball point pen, which NASA bought at $2.95 each. The Russian space program also switched over from pencils shortly after.

40 years later snide morons on the internet still snigger about it, because snide morons on the internet never know what they are talking about.

[merlin]

Turns. OUT!

(Can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve had to share this deflatingly accurate correction with The Snide.)

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

Fred Rogers

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

LISTICLE: Top 10 Shirtless Coaches Of All Time, Ranked

Yesterday, a photo of Steve Spurrier coaching shirtless made the internet rounds, mostly with incorrect information that it was a new/recent thing. In fact, the picture was from last year. The confusion, however was understandable as Spurrier is but one of a grand tradition of (mostly, but not exclusively, as we shall see) southern coaches who ain't skeered to let it all hang out. In honor of spring being right around the corner, we've put together a list of the top 10 greatest shirtless coaches.

10. Bruce Pearl, Tennessee

Source: Busted Coverage

We get it, dude, you like to take your shirt off. Nobody likes you, go away. This could have been the "Top 10 Bruce Pearl Shirtless Moments," but we don't want the blog to end up sanctioned by the NCAA, now do we?

9. Gib Arnold. Hawaii

(Source: Hawaii Video/Vimeo)

Hawaii basketball has a lot of recruiting disadvantages due to the location, but one big-ass recruiting advantage - it's Hawaii. We had no idea who the hell Gib Arnold was before seeing this Hawaii basketball recruiting video, and we still have no idea if he knows anything about basketball. But he can teach his players to surf. So there's that. 

8. Terry Francona, Boston Red Sox

(Source: Masshole Sports - obviously)

Who knows why he thought this was a good idea, but I'm willing to bet at least 70% of Red Sox fans have an identical picture of themselves at a party somewhere.

7. Bret Bielema, Arkansas

(Source: Deadspin)

After this photo hit the internet a couple years back, Wisconsin fans should have known Bielema's departure for the SEC was going to happen someday. It just feels right there.

6. Barry Switzer, Oklahoma/Dallas

(Source: The Landry Hat)

Barry Switzer would assuredly rank higher on this scientifically-ranked list if there were better evidence of his shirtless hijinks, because if there's one coach you KNOW has engaged in shirtless hijinks/drug-running/moonshining/etc., it's Barry Switzer. But just sitting in a chair, drinking a beer, laughing? Barry, we know you can do better.

5. Pete Carroll, USC

(Source: BeatSC.com)

Nobody likes a show-off, coach. We know you're dreamy, you don't have to rub it in. Try dressing like that in Seattle.

4. Bill Self, Kansas

(Source: Eh, all over the internet)

Bill Self is smart. He knows it is of the utmost importance to protect his investment up top - he paid a lot of money for that hair and damned if he's going to let the Maui surf run off with it. He gets points on this list for not just lounging in a swimsuit but actually going into the water. Way to get after it, coach.

3. Harry Kipke, Michigan

(Source: MVictors)

How's your Harry Kipke? You probably didn't even know that Harry Kipke was the head coach at Meechigan in the '30s, much less that he had a boat called the Flo. Now you know. Motherfucker was a boat captain. WITH A BOAT CAPTAIN HAT. That's the Michigan Difference right there.

2. Steve Spurrier, South Carolina

Steve Spurrier is the dean of being shirtless. The Ol' Ball Coach gives no fucks what you think about his middle-aged-slash-elderly body hanging out in the South Carolina breeze, because he's Steve Fucking Spurrier. We should all be so lucky as to be Steve Spurrier's tanned belly. Despite what you've seen on all the less-reputable sports sites out there in the last day, this is not a picture from this year's spring practice. This is from last year, according to Spencer Hall, who would know.

1. Howard Schnellenberger, America

(Source: AP/Yahoo)

Steve Spurrier Shirtless News notwithstanding, if there's one thing I've learned from Spencer Hall of EDSBS over the years, it's that Howard Schnellenberger tops the rankings (well, suspenders top the rankings. Howard Schnellenberger MAKES the rankings. I may not have learned the lesson all that well, now that I think about it. I don't care). All the rankings. You got a problem with that, take it up with Schnelly.

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

Everything Old Is New Again - Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, and Déjà Vu

Stop me if this sounds familiar:

[Jay Cutler], the quarterback, is looking particularly vulnerable. Last season, he was...Most Valuable Player, passing for a team record of 4,689 yards. In Monday night's 31-10 defeat [...] he was sacked five times and completed only 14 of 29 passing attempts. Defeat, and the constant battering... led [Cutler] to let his frustrations get the better of him in front of a national television audience, directing a stream of invective at [...] the offensive co-ordinator.

[Cutler] may hold an award as Most Valuable Player, but he has little chance of winning one as most popular player. Never slow to point the finger at team mates, he cannot expect much support now that the fingers are pointing at him, but opinion is divided on whether he is a victim of [Chicago]'s poor start or its cause.

Bears fans have read these sentences, or sentences just like them, about a billion or so times in the 4 seasons since Jay Cutler came to Chicago. So what's so special about the above quote?

It's not about Jay Cutler (BOOM, HAMMER DROPPED). It's a 2003 story from noted NFL journal The Times of London about Rich Gannon and the Oakland Raiders. The "offensive co-ordinator" mentioned as the subject of Gannon's rage? You guessed it - Marc Trestman.

What's the point here? The point is that if anyone can get a mercurial, inconsistent, physically gifted Jay Cutler to be a championship-caliber QB, it's the guy who got the mercurial, inconsistent, physically gifted Rich Gannon to be a championship-caliber QB. I hope.

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

The Problem With Anonymous, Topeka Edition

As you may have heard by now, the loosely-affiliated group of online activists who work under the banner of Anonymous released a dossier of personal information about the horrid, loathsome members of Topeka's Westboro Baptist Church. The goal is to presumably shame and expose the WBC members as the hateful trolls they are. Normally, I'd say that's a fine goal. Unfortunately, it probably won't work like that.

Picture taken by me - WBC protesting Bill Maher's show in Lawrence, KS. The photo makes it look like they're protesting Cold Stone Creamery, which is better.

Anon's heart might be in the right place, but here's the problem with this. The evil jackasses of Westboro Baptist Church love the attention and are probably eating this all up right now. There have been many efforts over the years to expose and shame the Phelps clan. All of them have failed - the problem is that people without shame cannot be shamed. Additionally, it's not as most of this information is new. Most of it is publicly available - from names and addresses through IP addresses and WHOIS information. For better or worse, at least some of it is outdated and/or incorrect.

But those problems don't bother me. If you or anyone else want to order a dozen pizzas to Margie Phelps' house every evening, go for it. I'm not REALLY going to complain with anything that makes their lives harder or less enjoyable.

Here's where I DO have a problem, though. One of the people listed in their "dossier" is a granddaughter of Fred Phelps and, as it happens, a former acquaintance of mine through a former job. This woman left her entire family and life behind when she made the decision to leave Westboro. She abhors everything they stand for. She is a wonderful, courageous woman...and yet, there's her name  in Anonymous' dossier, along with the members of the church. Luckily, Anonymous isn't that good at doing their homework and have almost ALL of her information wrong - from her address, city, phone number, and place of employment all the way up to her NAME (she's married and no longer technically a "Phelps"). If Anonymous is going to really "wage war" on Westboro - a tactic that many before them have tried - they might want to aim carefully before they fire.

Which brings us to another issue. Not only do they have innocents in their crosshairs, several of the Phelps clan are VERY good attorneys...yes, in addition to being hateful scumbags. Attorney friends in Topeka have told me many times that the Phelps' are very well respected professionally, if not personally. Winning/settling lawsuits directed at them is popularly assumed* to be a primary source of their income. In other words, they know their rights.

Additionally, a few members of the Phelps family either work for or alongside SRS (Kansas' beleaguered social services agency), as explained in the Anonymous dossier. Again, I'm told by people in Topeka that the state has long been aware of their presence and would LOVE for nothing more than to be able to axe them...without a huge, costly legal battle. So what's an "online activist" to do with all that work information? Complain to the state? They already know. Flood SRS with phone calls and letters? What the hell is that going to do? Harassing SRS, an agency already severely overworked, understaffed, and underfunded, will only serve to prevent needy Kansans from receiving services they already have a hard time receiving.

As always, the solution to Westboro Baptist Church is silence. Don't put them on TV. Don't give them another opportunity to make more money off a lawsuit. Marginalize them. Ignore them. That's the only way to (legally) make them go away.

*UPDATE: James Gordon of the Ottawa (ON) Citizen tells me that WBC has only filed five civil suits and none since 2007. I may be incorrect on the sources of their income - I was just repeating the conventional wisdom. That said, the Phelps Chartered law firm exists so WBC assuredly derives some income from legal matters.

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

I have a confession to make.

I don't have a college degree of any kind. 

It's an embarrassing admission, one I've avoided publicly for the past 10 years. Sure, I went to college; indeed, I spent a lot of time there. But my college transcript is littered with Ds, Fs, and Ws. Like many things throughout my life, I didn't take my education seriously. Oh sure, I got a lot out of college - I even got a lot out of individual classes I took. But no, I don't have a college degree, and I have a 1.75 GPA and 36 credit hours to my name. Just one shitty, Natty Lite-filled freshman year to my name. Pretty pathetic, isn't it?

As life went on, I was able to secure a few pretty decent jobs for someone without a college education. I've been in sales, I was (laughably) an admissions counselor for a trade school, I was a customer service manager for a cable company call center. And, as many people know, I was a sometime-writer for a couple different websites. It IS possible for someone with a high school diploma to do better than bagging groceries or flipping burgers. But it's not easy.

For the past couple years, I've been a service advisor at a car dealership. I'm the guy who you work with when you bring your car in for service. I'm the guy who tells you you need to fix things on your car, even though all you wanted was an oil change. It's not a dishonest job. I only tell people what their cars need. But I'm still an unwelcome messenger. The pay is pretty good - I do a lot better than a lot of people I know with even advanced degrees. But the job is monotonous and thankless and there's not a lot of opportunity for advancement. It's retail sales with a slightly technical twist.

Throughout all of this, there has been one constant: my mother telling me I needed to go back to school and finish my degree. No matter what new job I got over the years, while she was happy at the financial side of it, she always expressed concern that it was taking me further from that elusive bachelor's degree. 

Well now, guess what? She's not around to tell me what to do. And that...that fucking sucks. But the one thing she DID do before she left? She left me enough money to go back to school full time to finish a degree. And that's what I'm doing, because that's what I want to do and that's what SHE wanted me to do.

I don't know what I should do, unfortunately. I don't know where I should go. I don't even know HOW to quite go about this. But the opportunity is there, and I have had just about enough of car dealerships and call centers. I'm smarter than all that, and thanks to my mom, I can finally show it.

[sorryyourheinous]

Matt Wieters, original photo via David Roth, who you should read.

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

This is just the best. 

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

OK, so what the hell was this guy doing at the Cubs-Astros game today? 

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

Places I Have Lived

Inspired by The Billfold's series on rental histories, I've decided to list every place I've ever lived. Why? I dunno. I'm bored, maybe? There have been a couple months-long couchsurfing adventures sandwiched in between a few of these places, but those don't count. I have some dignity left, and I'll do my damndest to keep it that way.

1980-1984: Smithfield Cir., Jamestown Subdivision  Fitchburg, WI 53714

This is my first house, located in a suburb just to the south of Madison, WI. I don't remember much about it other than playing in the yard and cul-de-sac. My parents have often stated their biggest regret in life is moving out of the Madison area. I can't say I disagree.

1984-1989 Sumac Ln., Valley View Subdivision Cherry Valley, IL 61016

Our first Rockford-area home, in a quite nice, semi-rural suburb southeast of Rockford. This was '80s suburbia at its finest, but my parents absolutely loathed this home and, from what little I remember, most of the neighborhood.

1989-1998 Bordeaux Dr., Shaw Woods Subdivision Rockford, IL 61107

This is essentially where I grew up - a leafy, Yuppie, upwardly mobile suburbia-style subdivision. At the time we built the house, every house on the block had parents in their early-mid 30s, most with 2-3 kids. It was a very upwardly mobile, aspirational neighborhood. Our family was quite close with several others on the street. Since then, every single couple I knew from this block has gotten divorced.

1998-1999 McCollum Hall Lawrence, KS 66045

Off to college. In retrospect, I kinda wish I hadn't met the guy on the floor with a fake ID on my first day there. On the other hand, it was a dorm. We partied too much, had a blast, wouldn't trade it for the world...and I would never, ever care to step foot in there again.

1999-2000 Gateway Ct., Sunrise Village Lawrence, KS 66049

I'm sure these townhomes were very nice when they were built in the early '80s. 15-20 years and 15-20 sets of college students later...they needed a little work. The owner of the complex at the time was an elderly Asian man who singlehandedly repainted the entire townhome complex...or at least as much of it as he could reach from his stepladder. My roommates, friends from the dorms, got into drugs and dropped out of school. I spent most of the year in class, working, or visiting high school friends at Illinois State University.

2000-2002 10th & Alabama St., Lawrence, KS 66044

These split-level fourplexes are everywhere near KU's campus. They're small and not particularly well-lit, but they are cheap and plentiful and most of them are quite well kept. I lived here with the greatest roommate of all time. I wish I'd been better to him.

2002-2003 20th Street Rockford, IL 61104

After college, I moved back to my hometown to work for a minor-league basketball team. It was supposed to be a brief internship that became the first of two jobs over two years in Rockford. I shared the downstairs apartment of this well-maintained, remodeled two-flat with a good high school friend who was (and is) a kindergarten teacher. My roommate wasn't around much after he met his now-wife, which was just fine with me. Unfortunately, the neighborhood is in decline, as so many neighborhoods in Rockford are.

2003-2004 S. 2nd St., River District Rockford, IL 61104

Oh, how I loved this gut-rehabbed two-flat in downtown Rockford. It was within stumbling distance of the downtown bar district and was absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately, it was in Rockford. 

2004-2005 11th & Mississippi Lawrence, KS 66044

This tiny one-bedroom apartment had two redeeming qualities - it had been completely remodeled before I moved in and it was right across the street from the football stadium. 

2005-2007 11th & Illinois Lawrence, KS 66044

Another of the Lawrence split-level fourplexes, though this one had a great courtyard and made for the best tailgate location in town. The football stadium is just across the street to the right. See those little windows in the front? Yeah, those are in the shower. No wonder a more recent tenant covered the bottom right window completely (that was my shower, actually).

2007-2008, 2010 Ohio St., Old West Lawrence Lawrence, KS

I shared this restored 3-bedroom home in Old West Lawrence with two friends. It was huge, and the kitchen was bigger than some of the previous one-bedroom apartments I'd lived in - it had an island! There was a gorgeous deck off the kitchen where I spent many evenings grilling various meatstuffs. I moved back in after my first tour of duty in Chicago, during which I lived...

2008 Sheridan Rd., Edgewater Chicago, IL 60660

Beautiful view (you can see Lake Michigan behind the building; my bedroom looked out on the lake), psycho roommate. The former trumped the latter, and I got the hell out of there while my belongings and person were still intact.

2009-2010 Farragut Ave., Andersonville Chicago, IL 60640 Andersonville is lovely; it's also expensive. This upstairs 2.5-BR flat was nothing special, but I had a great roommate. I felt terrible about leaving when I got laid off from my job and had to move back to Kansas to make ends meet and lick my wounds.

2011 Eldridge St., Eagle Ridge Lawrence, KS 66049

As noted, I moved back into the Ohio Street house for 7 months in 2010 before moving in with an ex (in fairness, she wasn't an ex at the time) here for 8 months. The less said about that, the better. Needless to say, two people in a bad relationship living in a studio apartment is not a recipe for happiness or success. 

2011-2012 2nd & Wisconsin Lawrence, KS 66044

After the inevitable breakup, I needed a place quickly without any long-term commitments; I was getting antsy to leave Kansas again and I didn't want to be tied to a crappy bachelor pad lease. Thankfully, a friend graciously offered her vacant upstairs bedroom for a month-to-month lease. Great situation, nice home, quiet neighborhood. An ideal place to plan a move back to Chicago, as it turns out.

2012-? Lincoln Square, Chicago. Hi there. If you really want my address, you'll have to ask.

Conclusion: I am a semi-transient who has lived in a lot of mediocre, but never quite truly shitty, apartments.  

[bobbybigwheel-deactivated201712]

Well, the backlash to the backlash is on. All us good-minded liberals and our Chick-Fil-A boycotts are being impugned by fellow travelers because there’s no way you can avoid every company that disagrees with your beliefs. And they’re right. My iPhone was built by Chinese slaves, my Rite-Aid...

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

I agree; I'm just too lazy busy to write my own post on it.

[gaineswithoutfrontiers]

Don't Shut Up. Don't Ever Shut Up.

Over on The Classical, David Roth explains why his terrific Internet World Wide Web-page has not, to date, weighed in on The Penn State Scandal. The upshot is that 1) most right-minded people had it pretty much figured out from the time the story broke and 2) it's a big issue, not solvable in 5-minute "debates" on ESPN. He's right, but that doesn't mean we should shut up. OK, well maybe ESPN's empty suits should. Nobody, save ESPN producers (and, oh God, the millions who apparently tune into ESPN's afternoon bright-colors-and-yelling-o-ramas), likes bloviation for bloviation's sake. 

Simply put, shutting up will allow this story to be swept away with the news cycle. There are a lot of interested and invested parties, from University endowments to boards of trustees everywhere to the NCAA to ESPN to college football scribes and fans, who would enjoy seeing the Penn State scandal in their rearview mirrors with no meaningful reform or change having occurred. "It was a few bad apples at one school," their story goes, which is total bullshit - it was a total institutional failure aided and abetted by America's love affair with college football and the coach-as-demigod myth. Locking up a monster like Sandusky and the spineless fucks who enabled him is good, yes, but is not the end of the story. Shutting up might let the status quo survive, and I'm not cynical enough to think that's OK.