dizzy again.

im jessica, im 36. i have twin boys and a baby and cats. they are elliott, zane, Killian, Anya (4/2004-9/19/2015), echo, Cas (sleep well), Derby, and Ruby (angel), and hope . i live in seattle and am a birth doula. this is my life. (Please do not reblog personal photos) To follow my blog about my boys and how we learn together visit my other blog zaneandelliotthaveautism

[softerworld]

A Softer World: 1215

(a better alternative is forever.)

buy this print • become our patron

[softerworld]

A Softer World: 1242

(this, at least, is up to me.)

buy this print ● become our patron ● support our kickstarter

[flyyourlove]

If I miss you well, that’s my fault.

Conor Oberst (via flyyourlove)

[queerlysad]

You aren’t your mental illness

your brain is sick, but you are a wonderful person (via queerlysad)

[novemberthee5th]

(insp.) (x)

[gakaga]

As I'm sure most of my wonderful followers and friends know April is autism awareness month. Now before I had two perfect little boys on the spectrum I was aware and wore blue if I remembered. Now that I have them my goal is to spread acceptance. Which starts with listening to what autistic people have to say. As a general rule of thumb I have listened and heard that autistic people don't like to wear blue because it supports autism speaks, a company they don't agree with. So the movement of #walkinred was created. Walk in red was started by actually autistic people who are fighting for acceptance not just awareness. So please support them, my boys, and me and wear as much red as you can this April!

[gakaga]

This is it. This is the life. Their life. Their lives. Your life. These moments of smiles and laughter while the other one crawls on your shoulders. Life feels hard. To quote Buffy, " it's hard and it's painful and its everyday." And some days I feel not enough. Not good enough. Not mother enough. Just scraps of what's left of Jessica because I'm tired and I'm worried and its everyday. But looking back at my photos everyday reminds me. This is it. This is the life. Their lives. And we are doing it. With laughter and smiles and loves. And we are all enough. #specialneedstwinmom

[gakaga]

I redid my jams today. This is a retired wrap, Drift Away. I just love how it shimmers. Plus you know, Little People. #thejamcat #jamberry #driftaway

[gakaga]

I finally got a free shutterfly book code to order my Anya book (thanks to a Joanns fabric order I made that cost more than the book but whatever). And it's perfect. Worth the cost of that fabric.

[gakaga]

Obviously I need more of them.

[gakaga]

because it's cold out here. it can be quite a shock.

I feel like I've been walking around in a haze. Like there's this fog that's so thick I can't see anything or know which direction I'm headed. Sometimes it seems like a light is ahead and then it's quickly dimmed out. The hands helping me towards it disappear. And I'm alone in this place. It's been months of this. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I'm desperate. I just try to keep breathing. Keep the boys breathing. They are. They're doing well. I'm falling under. I'm suffocating. I put on a face. A lie. I say I'm fine. I say we are doing well. Everyone is but me. I'm drowning in worry and despair. My Anya is gone. And the boys still don't talk and they still don't eat and they still don't know who they are. And I'm just trying to keep it together. The house has gone to crap. I can't keep up. I can't see the light today.

[gakaga]

@frootloopdingusfamily here is a before and after. Message me if you want.

[gakaga]

As the year comes to an end all I can do is reflect back at 2015. and all I can say is screw you. 2015 sucked. It brought many challenges for the rest of my life. As a mother and a human that has to live in this world and afford luxuries like food and electricity. It brought the loss of pretty much my best friend in the whole world. It brought age 30. It blew. It blew so hard I'm not sad at all to say see ya later crap year. Peace out and go eff yourself. And bring on 2016. The even years are always pretty damn good.

[gakaga]

And now for everyone's viewing pleasure... The length of my hair now. It's amazing how long it suddenly is when all you do is wear a mom bun.

[gakaga]

These new plastic tsum tsums are my new favorite thing. There's a collectors check list and everything.

[gakaga]

Now that I shared the nice one with the boys asleep and cuddling I will share the previous few moments. Zane was already asleep on me, on my good arm when Elliott came up and wanted hugs and cuddles. I only had my brace arm available and he kept trying to wrap my arm around him and I just couldn't. In that moment I sort of lost it. I couldn't hug my kids in the way they needed in that moment. I texted Michael that I needed help and he asked was wrong. I told him and he called it an adorable problem. But to me it wasn't adorable, it was heartbreaking. I share this so its brought up that we all have these moments. This is life. This is motherhood. This is normal.

[gakaga]

Sometimes you just need your mom; whether you're 2 or 30.