I have something very important that I want to formally announce, to clear any speculation or rumors, and to explain my current relationship with @/kingeijirou/ilhemmo/gallickingun/Morgan.
I’ve been going through a process of healing my mental health through therapy and medication, and I’ve gotten a lot clearer lately, and there are some things that I have come to realize should have been dealt with and said a long, long time ago.
To be honest, this is really hard for me to do, because I feel like I wasted so much time believing, supporting, and hoping for something different with the wrong person. And I dropped so many others and such a supportive group for this one person because I was too much of a coward to get all the information from both sides. So I ended up hearing it all from one, which was very opinionated and aggressive, and being the timid minded person that I am, I just took what was said to me instead of trying to find out if it was the truth or not. By the time all this stuff came out about Morgan, I was so invested in what I thought was a true friendship that I didn’t want to believe any of it was real. This entire past year, the truth was hidden from me, and I feel lied to and manipulated into believing what I was told.
It’s my fault that it had a chance to turn into the whole mess that it has been for me. I lied to make her feel better, because I was too scared to fight.
Reading over our conversations, I realize just how much time was spent with her upset and me trying to support her, along with me helping her with all these projects I didn’t realize weren’t even her ideas to begin with. About how everyone was bullying her and they were wrong for calling her out publicly. Sure, there were moments where she helped me through times of distress and we supported each other like real friends would, talked about OCs, and she fawned over my work in a way that I will admit made me latch onto her.
I think that’s why I’ve struggled so much to admit all of this, to admit that very little of our daily conversations had been genuine and that I let myself get so twisted by her constant issues. I can literally see myself in these conversations becoming a spiteful, hateful person for NO reason, saying things that weren’t true, just to make her happy. I got to the point where I KNEW what she wanted to hear, and I would say things to try and make her feel better, at any cost. Mean, accusatory things that I had no right to say about people, both who I had known and who were strangers to me. Because, at that point, I had abandoned everyone but her, and I felt ashamed and like I couldn’t go back. I also had this very heavy weight of money over me, because she paid a lot for commissions and donated a huge amount of money towards a new tablet, and I felt like I couldn’t leave after something like that, because I thought that had to mean that she cared about me. On top of that, my art was all over the bookclub tumblr and is on her candles in her small business. I had even sent her some of my merch to include in orders with business cards. I told her all these things about my personal life, things I complained about, my mental illnesses and struggles. My whole life, basically. I HAD to stay on her side after all that, is how it felt.
I’m someone who’s very easily emotionally manipulated. I have been my entire life, but I’m not trying to use that as an excuse, because I should have known better as an adult to get all the information before I make a decision. And, in this case, I’ve realized that I made the wrong decision. It took me too long to realize, but everyone leaving her should have been my warning sign, that there is obviously something happening that I have been refusing to accept or that has been hidden from me. I gave her a chance to fix things, to change into a better person, but all she has ever done is complain about it and try to justify herself, and I would just… support her. Still too much of a coward to SAY what I really thought, despite me starting to doubt her already, just to keep hold of that friendship.
I’m really not doing all this to dump a bunch on y’all. I’m doing it to apologize, to say that I’m sorry for acting the way I did - which wasn’t taking action at all. For being a silent coward and for dropping the group of friends I felt I was finally making and an environment I enjoyed for someone who was never genuine to me, but claimed that they loved me so much. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, let you down, or made you feel betrayed because I didn’t speak up.
There are many people who I spoke ill of during my conversations with Morgan, but they don’t represent how I truly feel or how I felt. I’m ashamed of what I said, about those I had wanted to be friends with before and people I didn’t even know, all in my pursuit to keep a positive relationship.
I’ll understand if you can’t forgive me for it, but I’ve been brooding over this guilt for too long, and I felt I needed to apologize. I wish to no longer be associated with someone who doesn’t bring out the good in me, and who I cannot be my true, genuine self around without always having the fear of losing something. Any art I have done for her in the past is to only be seen as commission done from an artist to a customer and does not represent any connections I have personally to her.
For everyone that I have hurt with my actions, my words, or my silence, I am deeply sorry.
