Subject: If You Are Reading This…
If you’re reading this, it means one of us is already gone. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s both of us, in different ways—one buried in the ground, the other walking around as if he’s still alive, when really, the game killed him long ago.
When I first met you, you were nothing more than a single star in a vast sky—one of many, unremarkable, unnoticed, insignificant. If such a star were to disappear, would anyone even care? I thought not. But you proved me wrong. Not once, not twice, but over and over again, until I began to wonder if you were real at all or just a hallucination conjured by my own regrets. Yet, you were real.
You showed me something I had long forgotten—when a star falls from the sky, it does not simply fade. It crashes to earth with a force strong enough to shake the world.you were the star Gi-hun and you shaken me, I wanted to prove to myself that life was meaningless, that humanity was a fairytale told to fools who could not see the truth. But again, you proved me wrong. You were that one anomaly, the exception I refused to believe existed. And somehow, I found myself hoping you would win.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Maybe because I don’t know how to say it out loud. Maybe because I don’t even understand what it is I want to say. Or maybe—just maybe—I need to finally admit the truth to someone.
I will not lie to you—I hated you. From the moment I saw you again, I hated you. You weren’t supposed to exist. Someone like you—someone who still cared, who still believed in humanity—you should have been crushed by the world long before reaching the Goal. You should have broken. You should have given in. I wish you had died in that game at the hands of Player 218. That would have been great.
I hated you because you reminded me of who I once was. A man who hesitated before pulling the trigger. A man who believed in something more. A man who, once upon a time, might have made the same choices you did. I had spent so many years justifying what I had become—telling myself that survival was the only truth, that kindness was a weakness, that the past was just a ghost whispering lies. And then you came along, tearing down every excuse I had built, forcing me to look in the mirror and see what I had become.
I wanted you to fail. I needed you to fail. Because if you won, if you proved that there was still a way to hold onto your soul in this world, then what the hell was I? What did that make me?
Because when I looked at you, I saw the man I could have been. The man I was, before I let myself become this. Before I told myself that greed was the only thing that mattered. That the price of living was carving out my own humanity and leaving it behind. That kindness was a weakness. That hope was a lie.
I spent years convincing myself that I had no choice. That I did what I had to do. That the man I was before was weak—that I was better off without him.
I watched you struggle. I watched you break and still somehow keep moving. I watched you make choices that should have gotten you killed—but didn’t. Every time you reached out for someone else, every time you risked yourself for someone who wouldn’t have done the same for you, I wanted to scream at you, shake you, tear you apart.
Because you weren’t supposed to exist.
You weren’t supposed to prove me wrong.
I built my life on the certainty that kindness was just another word for weakness. That no one survives without becoming a monster. That the moment you let yourself feel, you lose. I told myself that so many times, it became the only truth I knew. And then you walked into this nightmare and spat in its face.
And suddenly, I wasn’t so sure anymore.
I hated you, Gi-hun. I hated you because every time I looked at you,I hated myself a lot more
And every time you refused to turn your back on someone, every time you risked yourself for a stranger, every time you stood up when you should have stayed down, I felt it—this ache, this rage, this shame. Because if you could do it, if you could fight to stay human even in the middle of that nightmare, then what excuse did I have?
I needed you to fall, because if you didn’t—if you proved me wrong—then I had nothing left to cling to. No justification. No excuses. No lies to tell myself when I woke up in the morning.
I hate you because you proved that the man I became was a choice. That there was another path. That I didn’t have to do what I did—I just let myself. I hate you because every time I look at you, I see the person I should have been.
And, God help me, you were my hope.
I wanted to destroy you—not because the game needed it, not because I wanted to win, but because I wanted to believe I was right. I wanted to watch you fall so I could tell myself that I had to do what I did. That there was never another way.
And now, I don’t even know who I am?
I don’t want forgiveness. I wouldn’t know what to do with it if you gave it to me. I don’t deserve peace, and I wouldn’t know how to live with it even if I did. But if you’re reading this, then you still have a chance.
So live, Gi-hun. Live, even if it hurts. Even if it feels like hell. Even if every step forward feels like dragging yourself through fire. Because if you stop, if you give up, then you’re letting it win.
And if you’re not reading this—if you fall like the rest of them who still believe in humanity—then I will read it over and over again, until it’s carved into my bones, until I can’t breathe without feeling the weight of it.
And I will hate you for the rest of my life.
Because you proved me wrong.
And I will never forgive you for that.
snowghoul
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
yousharknotpass
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