I just realized that I only post here when I'm not in the best mood, and reading past entries just reinforces those feelings. So today I'll write the things I'm trying to improve myself: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I made a calendar of what I should accomplish in a day. Generally, it goes like this: Wake up at 4 am, shower, eat breakfast, get dressed, and be at school before 6 so I could start or review that day's tasks.
I end at either 4 or 5 pm, so I scheduled doing my assignments at 7 pm — to give way for travelling and a short rest. Once 7 pm hits, I should be starting my tasks and end at 11:30 or 12 am. For the weekends, I start my day at 6 am, and end earlier — at 10 pm. Sunday mornings are for rest days though. I adjust my Sunday according to what tasks I still have left.
I've been doing this for a week, actually less than a week. It's only Saturday, but here's what I found.
I can wake up and leave at the scheduled time. I also can follow the pre-class prep routine, but kinda depends on travelling time. I do a good job in the mornings.
But the after class routine is what kills me, especially if I have laboratory days. I have shit ton of materials with me and we have to hike those up 4-floors everytime. So by the time I got home, I'm exhausted. I just want to sleep, and I end up procrastinating, saying "I deserve the rest." Which I do, but that just gave me more stuff to do the next day, and the cycle repeats until I'm crying because I'm drowning from the workload.
I want to be better at laboratory activities, but I don't have time to practice. I want to do better theoretically, but even if I study, professors have twists in their exams that just stump me. So I'm drowning and beating myself up for not following the schedule, but I can't always be that productive. Not unless I gulp down liters of coffee — and I don't necessarily like that, makes me feel nauseous and lethargic after.
I lost my drive. 2 semesters ago, I was keeping up, and wanted to keep up because I wanted to get my scholarship back. Which I did, then last semester I lost it again. Is this me feeling like my efforts will be for naught? That driving myself to the ground will yield nothing? I should think about my future, because what use is studying so hard if I can't retain any of it when I eventually practice?
Realizations: I need to study to understand what I'm doing. How will I be entrusted with people's lives if I don't know what I'm doing? I didn't study as much during my earlier years and I'm paying for it now. I don't need detailed notes for those — I realize that now. But I should still be familiar with them.
I need to study for my parents, because they gave me everything and I want to be successful and give back. I need to study because I want to be a great doctor, someone my patients will go back to because they feel that I know what I'm doing. I need to study for me, because it'll feel so damn good for hard work to pay off — to see myself in a good future.
So I've identified some issues I'm having, let's go back to my schedule and see what I can tweak.
Physically: I can't go to the gym in the mornings of weekdays. I like the sun on my face, so I could bask in its rays after I've done my workout. So I think a few push ups, sit ups is what I can do. Then go all out on the weekends. As for food, I have to cut back the rice, because I'm not even having that much snacks anymore, but I'm still gaining weight. I need to buy bread so I can have those for quick snacks, and not unhealthy alternatives. I'm gonna start eating pita again, it's not heavy compared to rice.
Academically: I can do my tasks at night if I go outside. I went to the nearby yogurt shop and stayed there for 4 hours just to do my assignments. I might not be as productive as I want, given I only finished 1 subject of notes — but progress is still progress. So if I'm feeling tired and want to rest, I will take a nap, then go out. This will still feel like a win and won't beat myself up for it. The best place is still a studyhub, because I noticed that I lose all motivation once I enter the condo. So yeah, at least I can stay late there and finish stuff
Mentally/Emotionally: Take a few hours to myself. For weekdays that I feel drained, I can hang out at the rooftop and take the fresh air in. I can take a walk around the mall, eat good food, and people watch. On weekends, I can take a book and read outside. Either at the rooftop again or find a coffee shop where I'll feel relaxed. I feel like Sundays are the only days I can do this. Actually, I should. I need to set a boundary for myself.
Monday to Saturday is me hard at work. I need to finish everything I can before Sunday, because that time is mine. I need to protect it. I will reward myself with little treats to help me through the week, but Sunday is when I'll spoil myself. Sundays will be mine.
I never thought writing this down will help me. But it did. Here's to me trying my best. Here's to giving myself the best future to attain! Let's do this!
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