I'm not your mate

a place where i don't have to be me, but i can be me

[gay-down-under]

I don’t want to die, but I’m not happy with living. I’m sleeping in this void forever. 

[gay-down-under]

I’m only ever here when I’m sad and don’t know what to do. 

Yeah I’m sad again. Hibernate, be sad and remind myself it’s temporary. 

This time will be different though; I’ll be sad outside. I’ll be sad fishing. I’ll be sad walking. I’ll be sad jogging. I’ll be sad at the park. I’ll be sad at the beach. Yeah. 

[gay-down-under]

Growing up I had dreams about my family dying. Parents dying. Siblings getting separated. I hate it. I tried to kill myself as a kid several times. I can’t get over it recently. 

Why did I have to dream these things?

[gay-down-under]

So the girl who dipped she ended up going back to her ex boyfriend which is just dandy. I'm still unemployed and in a depressive spiral, not sure how much longer I'm going to keep spiralling but let's see. How much fun it has been ha ha ha.

I'm avoiding hanging out with people so there's a sign I've hit the depressy stage too. Stressy and depressy yay. Achievement unlocked.

I'm debating what to study right now but I don't really know. I've been told what I should do my whole life and now I've finally got control I realise how much direction I have. Pretty much close to zero.

It's okay I will get there.

[gay-down-under]

Forgot I had this. Update. I had a girlfriend for a year. Broke up with her. Saw a girl for 2 months and she dipped. Now I’m just back to being myself. I also quit my job and have gone into a depression spiral. I’m slowly getting lifted back up. Just trying to figure out what I want now. 

[gay-down-under]

I want a fresh start. I want to get away from this month. When will things get better? I feel like nothing will get better no matter what I do. 

[gay-down-under]

That's funny, I was laughing then I just stopped. I realised I thought I could be happy for a second. That's a laugh. Now. Sadder than before. I hate being depressed. Maybe it will change one day.

[gay-down-under]

I don't know what happened. I don't understand it. This is just how things are now. Just leave it.

[gay-down-under]

Sometimes I get tired of waiting. Maybe I should settle? But then I think to myself, no. I don't want that kind of love. I want a love where I have no choice, where I can't control my feelings. I want someone that makes me uncontrollably happy and in love.

[gay-down-under]

Some people don't want you in their life, that's fine because it's their choice. I need to stop dwelling on things I can't control. Of someone doesn't want me to be their friend or whatever, that's on them. I am a good person.

[gay-down-under]

I feel like I’m too nice sometimes that I don’t let things that upset me out. I just say it’s okay for the other person to treat me like that because they probably have their own reasons. 

It hurts a lot, especially when you really haven’t done anything to deserve it.

[gay-down-under]

How do people even meet each other? How do you meet girls? How do you meet gay girls? I feel like it's hard. I've tried dating apps, going to clubs... It never works out and I don't actually meet anyone. It makes me feel more lonely.

[gay-down-under]

I am trying to make myself happy. I will go fishing sometime soon. I want to do something that makes me happy. Even if it’s for a moment. 

[gay-down-under]

The thing is, I’m a very honest person. I won’t lie, cheat or bullshit anything. If you want something to be answered all you’d have to do is ask me. 

I can’t lie. Not like that. 

We talked it over and you said you were looking for something serious. I told you that if you wanted to have fun then I was down for that too but I was looking for something more sustainable. 

You changed, you’re looking for friendship. I had to ask you what you wanted again. Why didn’t you be honest with me from the start? And if you changed your mind, why didn’t you just tell me? Am I that hard for people to talk to?

It hurts more because I thought you liked me, and even if you did it doesn’t matter now. 

We can be friends. I am okay with that, and I won’t treat you poorly because you hurt me, but I hope you don’t do that to anyone else. 

[gay-down-under]

Where abouts in aus u from?

Queensland

[gay-down-under]

I'm not happy since I've been without you.

[gay-down-under]

I don't want any of this. I don't know what I want, but this isn't it.