Gay Mormon

My Journey

[gaymormonmike]

Venting

A post on face book stated that teaches should be terminated that refuse to remove their Pride flag. I decided to comment saying that I wear a Pride flag because to me it means that God loves all His creations. I was surprised, naively, that the comment unleashed an avalanche of crazy bull shit about Pride flag as a symbol. Some people allege that they can only love or display the USA flag. Apparently, they can only have one flag as a symbol in their lives. Others, went into a rant about kids and being exposed to gay or queer life style. Guess these people have not seen the internet. Symbols mean different things to different people. Due to our culture, family values, politics and many other factors, each of us has our own ideas of what a symbol means for us. That is OK. It can lead to good questions and insights. It can lead to learning about each other and our beliefs. I decided face book was not a good place to share this. I feel safe here and am glad for this forum.

[gaymormonmike]

CHRISTMAS FOR QUEER MORMONS (FORMER OR DISENCHANTED ALSO)

I THINK ABOUT YOU AS THE Christmas season nears,

Christmas includes church, families, traditions, food, fun, serving, sharing, gifts, parties, kindness, movies, stories, symbols, Christ, Light, The star, Angels, Peace, Shepherds, Wise Men, Little drummer boys, hugs, memories, Hallmark fantasies

For some, Christmas means loved ones judging me, church causing aloneness, fears, and dissension. The desire to have it the way it should be, leading to hurt and pain. Symbols and traditions tarnished by unshared truths.  Shame overwhelms trying to fit in.  I want to cry tears of joy and happiness instead of sorrow for what might have been.  

The truths I cling to: God created me As I AM. He loves me unconditionally. I can feel His love and know that I am His child. I can build on that sure foundation to find what works for me.

I live today to find the joy on each day. I cannot change the past and cannot control other people. I can only control myself to influence my future. I seek the sweetness that comes with serenity, loving myself, being with those who respect and honor who I am. When I think like that, then Christmas means He loves me and I can love myself and find those who love me as I am.

[gaymormonmike]

OAKS New Era

Dallin H Oaks has started a new era of church focus on the family and the exclusion of anyone that does not fit his definition of family. My heart is heavy and sad. I know that he has unleashed an avalanche of homophobia and transgenderphobia. I am thankful God preserved President Nelson's life for 101 years to give us fewer years of Oaks. My dear young friends. The family is important but you can determine what is the best family composition for you. You can also receive personal revelation and continue to work on your relationship with God the Father and Jesus Christ. They love you as they created you. it is not their purpose to find ways to exclude you. I am a gay divorced single man who does not fit into President Oak's concept of family. But I do have a family. I have friends who have families by their own design and needs. I believe God has blessed them in their desire to be His servant and to be who they were created to be. God bless us all to feel included and loved is my prayer, in the name of Jesus Christ.

[gaymormonmike]

Gay Bars in 1960s

Before the Stonewall riots, the gay bars I knew about were straight. That is gay men acting, dressing and speaking like straight men. Touching, holding hands, hugging were not permitted. The sexual tension was palpable. I wanted to share my poem about one night in Julius' in Greenwich Village a very long time ago.

WHAT IF ?

What if I caught your eye across the gay bar room?

But averted away, as soon as you saw me looking.

Searching in the murky bar mirror. to see if you are still looking at me,

Watching other guys undressing you with their eyes,

Lust written all over their faces.

I twist my neck a little and use peripheral vision to spy on you.

I see you staring at me, so I turn, smile and look at your beautiful sparkling blue eyes,

Now I wonder what to do next. You at the far end and me in a world of fear, regret, indecision, self-depreciation.

Twenty guys watching to see if I will take the bait and find rejection enjoying a laugh at my expense.

I take a deep breath and walk over to you, Hello?  Up close your movie star looks are not due to make up, but born angelic symmetry.

I want to kiss you so bad, run my fingers through your blonde curly hair, touch your skin and feel the silky smoothness sliding under my fingertips.

I just smile and ask the getting to know you questions.  We give each other polite answers ignoring the sexual tension that rubs between us.

Then you ask, Do you have a place we could go?

My heart skips and leaps and soon the taxi takes us to my apartment.

We explore, share, let our mouth and lips find sensitive spots, sigh continuously as we learn what pleasures each of us.

As we fall asleep, the warmth of you envelops me.

Sometimes these spontaneous trysts do not fulfill their potential.

On this magic night, you are even more than your very good looks. You are fun, magical, open to new ideas, willing to share stories.

Your touch makes my soul sing.

What if I had never had the courage to approach you?

What if my memory of you was a fantasy never fulfilled?

What if we had a way to be together forever?

What ifs filled my life then.

[gaymormonmike]

PASSOVER WITH THE CHOSEN

I saw The Chosen. Season 5, part 2. At the Last Supper, Jesus Christ and the Apostles recite the Dayenu, meaning it would have been enough. The purpose. during the Passover celebration. is to remind us of the love and mercy God shows each of us. The history of the Exodus from Egyptian slavery is recalled.  I felt God’s love as I watched this wonderful depiction. With no disrespect, I wondered if I could apply the Dayenu to my life. Further I was hoping that others would add their verse, celebrating how God has touched your life.

If He had taken me out of despair and not punished my abusers, it would have been enough.

If He blessed me with the desire to forgive my abusers but did not make them feel responsible, it would have been enough.

If He showered me with His love but not been with me constantly, it would have been enough.

If He smothered me with His presence but left me lonely sometimes, it would have been enough.

If He created me as a gay man but let others hate me, it would have been enough.

If He loved me unconditionally but let me struggle to be loving, it would have been enough.

If He gave me an atonement but never let me understand how it worked, it would have been enough.

If His resurrection made me conquer death but let me die anyway, it would have been enough.

PLEASE ADD YOUR VERSE.

[gaymormonmike]

My daughter and family left the church

Because of the sick church culture I believed in, I mourned and prayed constantly that they would return. I now believe there are many paths back to our Father in Heaven. Now I am so glad for them that they left the place they did not feel loved, accepted and safe in. I am grateful that the path they each found nurtures and loves them. I do not understand why my church has difficulty judging others harshly and saying hurtful, mean things to others. I repent of all the hurtful things I have said or thought and hope to be a better person.

Golden moments that brought joy to me  during my daughter and grandchildren's visit

To my daughter who was raised in the church but left about age 20

Seeing how informed you are about life, politics, history, work

Seeing your growth as a result  of Alanon and Codependence groups. It shows in your attitude to  others and esp your children,

Seeing you be happy

Feeling your love for me

Seeing how much you want  to know  about my life

Seeing how fit you are and  the  sacrifices you make  to  stay fit

How close you are to your friends and how much they love you and  want to be with you

Seeing your willingness to visit me

To my 18 year old grand daughter who was raised in the church but left abut age 16

Seeing how happy you are

Seeing that you are glad to have a car with a plan to use it  in the future

Seeing your place of  work and  how glad you are to have a good job

Seeing how much you love to eat out

Feeling your love for  me and  the sacrifices you made to come to see me

Your sense of  humor

Your maturity in understanding yourself and others

Your willingness to follow what I  asked you to  do  during your  visit

That you have a BF that you like and trust

Glad to see you on the beach enjoying the gulf and the  sand and the  sun

To my transgender 19 year old grandson who was raised in the church but left at age 16

Hearing how your  tattoo training is  going and that you are glad to do it

Seeing you have a good job that you had to get through perseverance and that you are doing well

Hearing that you are finding what works  for  you with your mind and body

Hearing that you have a BF you trust and like

Hearing that you like your new home, get along with your room mates

Happy that you can manage yourself  on your own

Happy  that you can set healthy boundaries in your life

Your long distant efforts for your  Tattooing and your counseling

Sacrifice to come and see me

Glad to see you on the beach enjoying the gulf and the  sand and the  sun

Forgive my focus on the past and  the future.  I cannot  change  the past nor can I predict the future. I  want to  experience the joyful moments that happen today.  I commit to being better at that.  These are a few of  the  joyful moments I had with you. Please forget and forgive my pushing you to be someone I create. I truly want to love you AS YOU ARE.  As you are is good enough for me.   I have faith that your future will be blessed even though you or  I don’t know what the future holds for us.

As I used too sing too you, I love you a Bushel and  a Peck.

[gaymormonmike]

WHO AM I ?

What was I looking for in you?

Tumbleweeds blown on a windy day.

I needed to feel like a man, a straight man,

Hiding like a little rabbit in my warren.

With no gayness.

Erasing the blackboard, ready for a new day.

When you said you wanted me inside you,

Fears, desires, ancient DNA shouted, extoling lightning flashes.

I liked that idea, and we got very naked.

Bells peeling, belfry rope sliding up and down.

I loved the completion of myself.

Eagle searching, plunged into the sea and escaped with a wriggling catch.

Even when I returned to being with men,

The light turned 50 colors till the right one covered me.

I still loved reaffirming my manhood inside you.

Fighting demons and demands and deterrents and delusions.

Now, I wonder how we made it for 39 years.

My dog nestled against me and craved to be touched.

30 of those years you were my only one,

The lion watched his mate and waited to be fed.

But by then you thought every woman and man wanted me.

The storm blew the swaying grass till the driving rain lowered it to the ground.

Your age, hormones and surgery kept you from wanting me.

The lemon grew hard with skin shriveled, unable to perform.

 Sex that was an integral part of us was gone.

Then our marriage was gone.

Like falling off a cliff wondering how that could be.

Now I think of what you meant to me,

How much I loved you and needed you.

Curling around the post, sweet memories cling.

How our children and grandchildren fill our lives.

Spawns, splashes, cement, swirl, sealing

I embrace my gayness now, but am so grateful

 Darkness lifted, a shroud gone, embraced forever.

For what you gave me, the chance to be.

I am fulfilled having the family experience and

Accepting who I am, a gay man, and telling everyone who I am.

A labyrinth of desires, pain, regrets, forgiveness, love, salvation.

Feeling love and acceptance.

Wow, who would have thought that being gay could be so acceptable.

Rain washes my being, tastes of desire no longer forbidden.

Now I embrace  who I am, what I want and living life as me.

[gaymormonmike]

QUESTIONS I WANT TO ASK OCEAN VUONG

I want to be your friend or at least spend hours getting to know you.

So many thoughts and needs to know.

How do you write? Does it just flow from your brain to  the paper?

Or do you write like Edgar Allan Poe directed on composition?

How do you take inanimate objects like a table and thread them through a story that evokes memories and emotions and finally all comes together on that disparate, strange table?

Tell me more about Trevor. Show me a picture. What did he look like?

Why do the Trevor’s of this world sink into oblivion? Why can they not see a way out of their gloom, bodies, destinies?

What demons led Trevor to drugs and death? How do you get over losing a love like Trevor? Tell me about your partner now. How did you meet? Is he your best friend? What does he do for a living?

What made it possible for a boy to overcome his ghetto upbringing and go to NYC and college and to a vibrant writing career?

How did you find the courage to tell your mother you were gay?

What did it mean, you are already Vietnamese?

Tell me how you felt when your first work was published?

Can I ask you more questions?

What can I tell you about me?  Can we meet again? Do you think we could be friends?

[gaymormonmike]

Ocean Vuong

Just discovered this poet who wrote a novel On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous. I love his voice. His prose reads like poetry. He is a wordsmith that makes me laugh, cry, feel his pain and his joy.

[gaymormonmike]

NOSTALGIA

Been thinking about Julius’s.  The first gay bar I went to in 1966.

My first gay boyfriend knew about it and wanted me to go with him.

Never been in a gay bar, so was afraid.

Laws in NYC made being gay illegal, especially in public.

I went to Greenwich Village with Al, not knowing if I wanted to  be in a gay bar with strangers, drag queens, or whoever these people  were.

As I walked in, I was amazed to see guys, normal looking guys, drinking beer, chatting, looking like every good-looking guy I lusted after.

I could not tell this was a gay bar except there were no women, and the men looked directly in your eyes as they checked you out from head to toe while they smiled and chatted to their companions.

But what I remember is the incredible emotions I experienced that day.

I was Ok to be gay, I liked these gay guys, my heartbeat so hard I could feel it pounding. I could be gay and laugh. I could be gay and not feel ashamed. I loved the juke box music. Other men checking me out made me blush and doubt myself.  The wooden floor smelled of beer spills. The old Germn man with the grill made 1-pound hamburgers, only thing on his menu. Sam, the bartender did not like gay men, but everyone ignored his homophobic ass and still tipped him.

Julius’s is still there, part of gay history. My history is embedded there. Many more visits and comfort levels evolved. I made friends and lovers there. I celebrated when Stonewall Union opened where I could dance with a guy and  hold him tight and feel the wild party going  on around me.

But Julius’s was like wearing an old comfortable shoe. Sweet nostalgic memories.

[gaymormonmike]

Just needed to vent

ALONE

Alone in my loneliness,

3 best friends are sick,

Made plans to see or speak with them,

Wishing they could go out with me,

One has a very sick daughter

One is very sick with a very sick friend,

One is very sick with dementia and 

wants to talk but does not make sense.

Alone even when with friends

Best friend died and I miss him.

Talked to old co-workers and long distant friends over the Holidays.

Thought that would help.

It did, at the time, but had lonely reverberations.

My sister is stuck in California with her stroked out husband.

My other sister lives nearby but her husband tries to possess her.

Living alone has benefits but also downs.

AlAnon helped today.

Made my own delicious lunch,

Like it better when someone shares it with me.

Need music, snuggles, sunny laughs, and close connections.

[gaymormonmike]

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my gay love gave to me

Twelve drummers cumming, Eleven pipers prepping, Ten lords a-laying, Nine Dragon ladies dancing, Eight men a-milking, Seven Alphas a-rimming, Six Bottoms laying, Five golden kings, Four balling nerds, Three French kisses, Two verbal hunks, And a heart to care for me!

[gaymormonmike]

HAVE YOURSELF A GAY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

Do you remember that Christmas Eve morning,

You, still in bed, as I came out of the shower,

Naked except for a Santa Claus hat, my north pole on display,

Hands on my hips, a silly smirk and twinkle on my face.

You looked up, saw me, and could not stop laughing.

I removed my cap and placed it on the north pole,

More laughter, as you raised the covers and said,

Come here Santa and remove your cap.

[gaymormonmike]

SACRIFICE AND COURAGE

Sacrifices and courage

I have been thinking  about all the people who had the courage to exert their rights and the rights of others. I was in the south in US Air Force for 6 months during the sit-ins and other civil rights activities. I was not allowed to go off base with  my black friend. I know what courage it took for people to stand up for their rights. I think of the people who went to high schools or colleges as the first black person to do that. They were faced with hate and death threats, yet they went under the guard of Federal troops not knowing if they could be protected 24/7. How about the courage of the parents that permitted their children to march in Birmingham facing police brutality through police dogs and fire hoses. Their sacrifice alarmed an entire nation to seek action. I think of the gay and lesbian men and women who went to public affairs where the Mayor of New York City, John Lindsay, would attend. They went and waited  till he appeared and then raised signs and loud protests that he would sign an anti-discrimination law. He eventually did sign it. The queer people who asserted the need for research in finding ways to treat or prevent  AIDS. I saw several young healthy people suddenly die shortly after being diagnosed. I think of the brave men and women who stood outside the Stonewall Union and fought back against a corrupt, homophobic police department. There are so many across the world that sacrificed even their lives because something was not right. I am so grateful for them and thank God for  their courageous actions. My life has been touched by these heros in so many ways.

[gaymormonmike]

YOU HAD TO BE THERE

YOU HAD TO BE THERE

Like all past traumas

Each one is hard to explain.

Was it like that time?

No, I can't explain it. 

You have to experience it to understand.

Two hurricanes in a row,

The roof blowing off,

The sound of flying debris,

Only lasts 12 hours while I huddle,

Hoping my house stands .

You had to be there.

The scared little boy watching his father

Slap his mother to the floor 

The hate, fear, kill thoughts,

Knowing he was helpless 

You had to be there.

Thinking I am gay when

Gays were murdered,

Gays were consigned to hell,

Gays were made fun of ,

I hated myself and hid .

What was it like?

I can't explain it 

You had to be there.

[gaymormonmike]

Church Policy

I was overwhelmed with sadness and some fear at reading the church's latest policy on transgender and gender dysphoria. The policy includes a statement of love and inclusion. It also says the church does not take a position on the origins of gender dysphoria. Then it says that if the person acts on any of their truth and self worth, they will be severely restricted and punished. The hypocrisy is very hard to deal with. I have already heard from many of my friends that this hurts and is difficult to imagine what discrimination and hate that will have to endure to stay in the church. Even those who have left the church are hurt and feel attacked. I am fearful that this will unleash a lot of hate speech from those who will be emboldened to speak out. There is one thing I know with all my heart, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love ALL their creations. They love me and you and all without conditions. I have to wonder why the church leaders keep putting up road blocks to salvation. That is not the way I understand the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

[gaymormonmike]

Politics and Truth

Like a lot of people, I am fearful about what is happening in the USA. My interpretation is that we are purposefully being divided into passionate groups that hate each other. The purpose of this, on the political scene, is to get our vote and to encourage us to believe that anyone who opposes our point of view is a (____) fill in the blank with a hateful name. That is sad. Finding the truth about anything is so difficult that sometimes I just give up. I no longer trust many people and institutions or professions that I used to believe in. I love my country and I want the best for it. We seem to have many enemies in the world and right here in America. I am not sure what to do about the situation. I pray that good men and women will be able to prevail to set our country on a course that brings us closer to God and His will for us. That is my wish and heartfelt desire. I fear that if I shared my political views, it would result in hate posts. I hope we can find what we have in common which I thing out weighs our differences.