dead

gone and unlikely to return

[geistmane]

I guess I've fallen out of the routine I was trying to set with this. Probably just gonna stop posting. I don't think it's helped. The only thing I can really write about is being miserable. There's no point.

[geistmane]

I've let myself fall into dark places again. I feel apathetic towards my own life. Like I don't care where I end up. But I do care, but I don't care enough to make any difference. I'm spectating myself.

I found that I can't trust myself with a gun. I wanted one but the idea of having one within reach scares me. I'm worse than I used to be. Even before I feel like I faked it less. I hate that I can't handle this stuff on my own as well as I used to. I wish I could just cry it out or something.

Still breathing, for better or for worse.

[geistmane]

I wish I had an outlet for my emotions. Sure there's whatever I'm doing here but it doesn't feel real. Yelling into a void isn't a conversation. I got used to having someone to talk to and who listened and cared. I want that back. Something.

I wont be able to ever commit to a relationship because of circumstances. Doubt there's a woman out there who could accept my situation. It's complicated. Messy. Weird. So instead I suppose I'm going to die alone. I grew up expecting that. I need to get used to that idea again.

I'm not into one night stands and transactional type relationships. I can't be with a woman without being friends first. I'm picky about certain things. I dunno. I can't see a world where I ever find a new partner if things stay as they are.

I sound like an incel or some weird crazy guy. Stupid.

[geistmane]

I think my hatred and anger against a so-called god is what causes me to need to worship a woman in that place. To cherish and live for something greater than me. And if a god isn't worthy of my affections, than who better to take his place than a woman on earth?

I'm agnostic leaning towards athiesm but my life lacks so much purpose that I filled with her for all these years. And that's gone now so I've nothing left to dedicate myself to. I thinks that my problem here. I need something to give my everything.

[geistmane]

Trigger warning.

Today my discord got hacked. I lost access to the account where me and her have talked for most of our relationship. All the texts, pictures, everything in someone else's hands. Just another horrible day in my life. I want to die. I want to die so fucking bad. I can't stand being alive anymore. I fucked up and now some random person/people have access to private things she's said or sent. I can't stop fucking everything up. I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't want it. The only time I wanted it was when I was with her and now I have nothing to live for. No reason to stay here and continue being beat down. I haven't built up to courage to go through with killing myself. But I've never wanted to so bad. I'm exhausted. There's no good in my life. I just hope when I finally get to die, I won't come back. I hate this place. I hate myself. I hate God. I hate living. I want it all to end.

Now I have to go eat dinner with my family and pretend Im not hoping they'll have to bury me.

[geistmane]

Haven't had much to say lately. Been distracting myself from things as much as I can.

But while my dreams have been snuffed out and my only ambition for my life is gone, there is an underlying layer of hope. I'm not coping in a healthy way and I'm not growing stronger from this but maybe something good can finally happen to me. I'm certainly due some good. "When at rock bottom" and all that.

[geistmane]

I'm back to where I used to be when I was alone. Im afraid of what I'll end up as.

Back than I wanted nothing more than to die. I saw the light for the first time and was blessed to gaze into it for as long as I did. But I was a fool to think that light would be forever. And now, cast back into the dark, I can't see anything ahead of me.

There's no purpose to my life that is my own. I'm back to living day by day. My mind wanders to horrible things again. It'd be better if I hadn't had to taste the curse of life.

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I think maybe I'm one of those people who aren't great at being single. I never thought of myself that way but with how things are recently I can't help but try to find what's wrong with me. Why would she leave? I know why she said she did. It doesn't make sense too me. I would have waited forever for her. But I guess she didn't feel that way for me.

I don't know. I don't think I can really be loved the way I love. I don't think anyone can grant the same patience I can. Maybe it isn't patience. Maybe it's complacency. All I know is that I love her more than anything and now that she's gone, I'm not sure I can love anyone else the same. They might just leave me too. My heart isn't safe in anyone's hands but mine.

[geistmane]

I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with me. I wasn't made right. I'm having terrible thoughts again. I can't find a passion. I can't find motivation. I don't see a future worth living through. I see a wasted life, dying alone somewhere is a painful way. I can see good things happening in my life still, sure. But I can't picture any of them being worth it. i feel as though my life is already over, I just havent crossed the Styx. A worthless ghost just floating through life, half here and half somewhere else. It's all too much for me. I'm not meant to be here. I should be some place that doesn't exist. A different timeline. Anywhere else.

(no I'm not going to do anything crazy. I have family that would be sad and cat with no where else to go for a while. If nothing else, I stay for them.)

[geistmane]

Still have some talking to do with her but aside from that, it's over. She is leaving behind a void that I can't possibly expect anyone else to fill. The idea of even pursuing another relationship makes me feel sick. Her name is written on my heart like scars. What could anyone else possibly do to claim it?

I'm tired. Everything feels grey again.

[geistmane]

Im gonna miss her when she goes back home. Fuck my landlord. Imma get my own cat.

[geistmane]

I'm gonna end it with her. I've made up my mind. It needs to end. I agree with her. I love her. I don't think I'll ever be able to have a relationship with another person like that again. She shaped me and filled me with life like a deity. Who else could I give myself to?

[geistmane]

I just hope things will get better. I guess that's up to me.

[geistmane]

I feel like I got out a lot of the big emotions I have going on right now. Still dunno how the relationship is going to turn out. I'm really bad at this sorta thing. But I feel less weight on my chest. This page will probably turn into schizo/shit posting between bouts of duress.

[geistmane]

The best compliment I ever got was when she told me that I was "written by a woman". I do feel pride in that. I don't think I'll ever get a better compliment.

[geistmane]

I should try to be more lighthearted sometimes I think. At least on here. I'm sure anyone that actually reads my ramblings thinks I'll either end it, or commit some atrocity.

I'm not an actively violent or aggressive person. I do crave it in some ways. I would consider myself intelligent. Not particularly quick thinking and my memory is awful but we've all seen some seriously stupid people.

I like animals and flowers. I like artistic things, though I'm not really that creative anymore. I used to be really good at drawing and writing. Poetry mostly. Sad poetry. It's hard to write happy things.

There are good things in my life that i don't want to lose our throw away. I'm okay. I express myself in less typical ways, maybe.

I believe I'm a very patient person. I don't feel offended easily. I think I'm good at seeing things from different perspective. I feel comfortable with my appearance mostly, though I'm not as fit as I used to be, which has lowered my confidence a bit.

I dunno. Affirmations I guess. Feels corny to write all this down. And how little I could think to write.

[geistmane]

I miss going out well into the night with friends. Walking around, joking, drinking, smoking. Getting ourselves into trouble. Running from cops and adults. Looking for cool places to kick it.

I remember getting on the roof of a few schools and churches. They ended up installing cameras to keep us off. Stealing bottles from target, before they started to tag them. Stupid shit for us to do but we were free.

There was I time I felt invincible. Getting old want possible. I didn't have anxiety attacks. I didn't fear the world yet. I trusted my people. It never lasts long enough.

I only leave my home when I need to work. I lost my passion. I'm afraid to meet new people. I'm not good at socializing. I've had girlfriends but only ever went on a single date back in junior high. I'm 26. My life is pathetic. A worm.

I find it hard to trust people. It takes time for me to create a version of myself that can fit new acquaintances. It's difficult to say positive things about myself, even though I don't think I'm a bad person. I'm no good at being one.

I'm paranoid. It's not a bad as it once was. I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow and a baseball bat under my bed where I can reach it. I used to keep a banana looped into a padlock. I would get nervous turning my back to people. I would have constant panic attacks while driving. It's not that bad anymore.

[geistmane]

I am damned. I am trapped inside a cage made of bone. I am not meant to be here. I was forced into this torment. Built from flesh and sinew, forced to rot. Surely my jailor watches in amusement.

Peace may be unattainable for me. Maybe I don't deserve it.