sad about everything

just a queer emotional sideblog

[genderneutraldaddy]

Meh

It’s been a while since I posted anything and I’ve been everywhere between super happy and crying myself to sleep so it’s been weird but I just wish I had a stronger support network and people would actually put effort into relationships, that’s probably my biggest pet peeve of the past month.

[genderneutraldaddy]

So today I have been thinking more about how to deal with constructive criticism because I’m getting it a lot from one of my co-workers who has been working longer than myself. I realize that his points are valid and that I need to work on certain things but I can’t help but feel myself breaking down bit by bit each time it happens.

Also, it was sort of uncomfortable because I started talking about home life and complicated family and he sort of shrugged it off, which I can understand. I just wish I could share some vulnerable moments I guess, but maybe too much for my 3rd day of working with him. I’m not sure how to do this.

Tomorrow is Thursday though so he won’t be working and I will be able to use the next two days to recuperate a bit and distance myself and hopefully, next week will be better.

I’m trying to make a good relationship with all of the other staff members but I find it hard to not always think in my head “how can I make them happier” but I don’t think that is a necessarily good goal if it sacrifices my own happiness occasionally. Idk still working on it. 

But tomorrow is my first day at a new therapy place and I am hoping that will go well, I am somewhat looking forward to it but also a little bit nervous. Here’s to hoping.

[genderneutraldaddy]

oh one more thing

the other day someone said something that really hurt my feelings but I think I need to be more open to this criticism. Basically, I hadn’t even said anything yet but I was typing and they were just like “stop don’t say what you’re going to say, because you always have to be right.” I have a hard time distinguishing tones over the internet and I think that’s where a lot of my friendships have wavered in the past with fights happening on messenger. I also need to work on inferiority complex stuff and trying to always be correct but I feel like it’s something that was ingrained into me from my parents so I’m not sure how that’s all gonna sort itself out... and also learning when to just listen and not try to give advice but again it’s just instinctual. I think that I can help someone but sometimes it just ends up hurting them so idk life is hard. I feel like having so much experience in trauma has given me an open mind but then situations like this make me really question myself. I want to be better, but sometimes I worry that isn’t enough.

[genderneutraldaddy]

New Job: Cons

So living out here in the suburbs is really isolating, especially because I don’t have a car. It helps for groceries and stuff that my roommate has one but I don’t feel comfy asking to borrow it or anything to see friends in the city. I haven’t had time to make it down there yet but hopefully by the end of the month that will be happening. 

Additionally, my depression has really been coming in lately and I find myself not having any motivation, feeling super tired all the time, and just lying in bed feeling sad. I want to exercise more but often it’s too hot to even go for a walk, but I am going to try to start walking in the evenings.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it out here and I feel a lot of improvements since I left school, but I’m still worried about how I’m going to cope with this big transition.

Later this week I’m going to be seeing a new therapist so hopefully, that goes well and become a regular thing.

I had more thoughts earlier but I seemed to have lost them as my eyes drift around the room and my eyelids feel heavy.

[genderneutraldaddy]

New Job: Pros

I started my new job at botanical garden last week and so far, I think I am really liking it. My boss is really cool and super funny. A lot of the other coworkers are super nice (but straight...). Watering the plants every day has been super pleasant despite the humid weather because it’s very relaxing. I’ve been adjusting to the sleep schedule pretty well, in bed around 10 waking up around 7, at work at 7:30. I don’t want to speak too soon but so far my nightmares and night terrors have significantly diminished over the past week, and I find myself dreaming about watering the plants. My room is much bigger than any that I have ever had and the house is nice and came with a great kitchen, despite only having one bathroom for three people. Overall I’d say I’m enjoying the situation.

[genderneutraldaddy]

about to release a bunch of thoughts onto the world

stay tuned

[genderneutraldaddy]

I got new glasses today

[genderneutraldaddy]

My mom's friend asked me today how much I weigh wtf

[genderneutraldaddy]

I'm proud of myself today for reading 100 pages of a novel. It's amazing how much one can get accomplished when they're not smothered in academic-flavored anxiety.

[genderneutraldaddy]

Walking into the club like

[genderneutraldaddy]

Is he using me for my emotional support or does he actually want to be here.

[genderneutraldaddy]

When anyone in my family curses it sounds so much more vulgar than everyone else

Like the sound of vomit trickling up my throat

[genderneutraldaddy]

This new album made me cry

I feel connected