Mostly Lurking

Not really here for engagement, mostly, just poking around. Replies fine, wouldn’t expect responses back though. (24M) (PFP by @tunarune)

[generalshadowmc]

OK OK, I know that everyone is rejoicing over Occam coming in clutch (rock on ya solar flare flexing bastard) but that took a massive backseat to me compared to how badly Door put his foot in it without even realising.

Let’s just recap real quick:

Kevin says there’s an infiltrator for the Camarilla in the Arcanum. The family assume it’s a ghoul. We find out that Palmer and Blair (who are part of Pentex) are colleagues with the local Tremere and thereby the local Camarilla. Blair also happens to be a Coalition representative for the Arcanum… which almost inarguably makes HER the Regent’s mole, and by extension Palmer.

Door, having seen the crazy shit ongoing at O’Tolley’s, correctly deduces Blair is a servant of the Wyrm. Without even realising what that actually means.

Blair and Palmer now know that Door, and potentially the rest of the family for all they know, are onto them. And they now know the faces of said family.

This will almost certainly be fed back to the Regent… and potentially further up the chain.

All this time, D kept his family ignorant of the full breadth of the vampiric world, and one errant comment related to the garou’s struggles (which D admits he is much less educated on and may very well be totally unaware of the Triat)… has now put them closer to being targets for a blood hunt than anything else so far.

Kevin and Chapman are basically the only people who have any possible sway now to prevent them from being caught squarely in the Camarilla’s crosshairs. Ooooohhhhhh Caine help us.

[tired-mochii]

Please help my autistic sister survive benefit sanctions!!

Monday, May 25th: Hello, everyone. I'm Gem, and I am trying to set up a crowdfunding campaign for my sister Cheryl, as Universal Credit recently sanctioned her for 91 days, and she needs urgent help to survive the coming months.

My sister, who is in her 30s and autistic, recently caught the flu. While she was unwell, her unemployment advisor requested that she submit her CV for a job application. Unfortunately, due to her illness, this important task slipped her mind, and she ended up applying a few days later than expected. As a result, she has been sanctioned for 91 days, until July 15th, leaving her with a minimal welfare payment of just £7 for the entirety of May and June. (Photos above for details)

This is clearly not sufficient to cover her bills or purchase groceries. There are resources available for my sister to explore, such as the local food bank and the Scottish Welfare Fund. However, it’s important to note that she can apply for the SWF only three times within a year and cannot cite the same reason for assistance in consecutive applications. For instance, if she needs help with her bills now, she wouldn’t be able to use that same reason for her next application next month.

Thankfully, U.C will still pay her rent while under the benefit sanction. However, she is currently facing financial difficulties and lacks the funds to pay her other bills. She has an outstanding balance of £189.73 for her utilities, and an additional £214.91 in other direct debits, for which evidence can be provided.

I know this is a lot to ask, but if anyone could spare any amount to help my sister get by, even if it’s just £1/$1/€1, it would mean a lot, and sharing helps just as much. 

Thank you ❤️

£0/£500!!

♡ PayPal ♡

[generalshadowmc]

As one disabled Scot to another, I just wanna take a moment to say: fuck the DWP with a rusty fork. And to anyone interested in advocacy, read John Pring’s The Department if you haven’t already. It’s a fucking grisly read but vital for understanding how shit like this is even allowed to happen.

Best of luck out there, guys.

[tired-mochii]

Emergency: Please help!!

Monday, May 18th: Hello, everyone. I’m Gem, a bi, mentally ill, and disabled woman in desperate need of help, as I'm drowning in debt and I need help paying bills this month!!

I'm sorry that I have to e-beg again. However, as most of you know from my previous posts, I have been struggling to make ends meet while on welfare. Due to my outstanding bills and ever-increasing debt, it has been incredibly difficult for me to make ends meet. With the rising cost of living, I have been relying on my credit cards to pay bills and simply get by on a day-to-day basis.

This has cost me a great deal, and repaying them is more than I can afford. On top of that, I've also had a few health scares these past few months, and I've had to make numerous trips to and from the hospital, which resulted in being diagnosed with NAFL (Non-alcoholic Fatty Liver), which could turn into liver disease if I'm not careful.

With the burden of debt weighing heavily on me, it is becoming increasingly difficult to manage everything alone. I shared my situation in a previous post in hopes of finding assistance with my outstanding debt, but I didn't make much progress. So, I've decided to remake my post with this month's bills in mind. I don’t receive my welfare until the 29th, and I have several bills due on the 27th, and I desperately need help to pay them!!

Again, I know this is a lot to ask, but if anyone could spare any amount to help me, even if it’s just £1/$1/€1, it would mean a lot, and sharing helps just as much. 

Thank you ❤️

£12.50/£257!!

✨️PayPal✨️

[tired-mochii]

Please help me!!

I'm really terrified that I won't be able to pay my rent and bills this month due to my debt!!!

[tired-mochii]

I'm terrified that I won't be able to pay my rent & bills this month!!

Thursday, March 19th: Hello, everyone. I’m Gem, a bi, mentally ill, and disabled woman in desperate need of help, as I'm struggling to pay some bills, which have caused me to go into the negative.

I apologise for asking for help again. As most of you know from my previous posts, I have been struggling to make ends meet while on welfare. And due to my outstanding bills and ever-increasing debt, it has been difficult for me to make ends meet. These past few months have been absolute hell, and with no other income, I've been relying on the kindness of others to get by.

However, I desperately need that kindness again, as bills that I didn't realise were due have been charged to my account. And I've tried really hard to put off making this post and deal with the overdrawn balance myself, but I'm really struggling, as I can't possibly pay this off on my own with the limited welfare I receive, which I don't receive until the 31st!!

Additionally, the longer I cannot clear this, more charges will be added to my account and I won't be able to pay my rent this month.

Again, I know this is a lot to ask, but if anyone could spare any amount to help me, even if it’s just £1/$1/€1, it would mean a lot, and sharing helps just as much. 

Thank you ❤️

£0/£182!!

✨️PayPal✨️

[generalshadowmc]

Gotta be able to get this to a good point eventually.

[tired-mochii]

I'm drowning in debt and urgently need help!!

Sunday, March 1st: Hello, everyone. I’m Gem, a bi, mentally ill, and disabled woman in desperate need of help, as I'm struggling to pay my bills this month.

I apologise for asking for help again. As most of you know from my previous posts, I have been struggling to make ends meet while on welfare. And due to my outstanding bills and ever-increasing debt, it has been difficult for me to make ends meet. These past few months have been absolute hell, and with no other income, I've been relying on the kindness of others to get by.

However, I desperately need that kindness again, as I wasn't able to pay off my bills last month, because I was behind on my rent, and I'm struggling quite a lot to pay them now. I owe £156.59 on my credit card and fees, due by March 16th; however, I don't receive my welfare until March 31st, and I desperately need help to cover it.

Again, I know this is a lot to ask, but if anyone could spare any amount to help me, even if it’s just £1/$1/€1, it would mean a lot, and sharing helps just as much. 

Thank you ❤️

£0/£157!!

✨️PayPal✨️

[generalshadowmc]

Look I know shit absolutely SUCKS for the lot of us right now but seriously, if you can, the kinda help one can provide ain’t gonna go amiss.

[tired-mochii]

I'm terrified that I won't be able to pay my rent & bills this month!!

Tuesday, February 17th: Hello, everyone. I’m Gem, a bi, mentally ill, and disabled woman in desperate need of help, as I'm struggling to pay my bills, which have caused me to go into the negative.

I apologise for asking for help again. As most of you know from my previous posts, I have been struggling to make ends meet while on welfare. And due to my outstanding bills and ever-increasing debt, it has been difficult for me to make ends meet. These past few months have been absolute hell, and with no other income, I've been relying on the kindness of others to get by.

However, I desperately need that kindness again, as the welfare I received last month wasn't enough to cover all my bills and rent, and a few of those bills have caused my account to go into the red. I don't receive my welfare again until the 27th, and I urgently need help covering this before I receive it or my welfare will be taken

Again, I know this is a lot to ask, but if anyone could spare any amount to help me, even if it’s just £1/$1/€1, it would mean a lot, and sharing helps just as much. 

Thank you ❤️

£0/£175!!

✨️PayPal✨️

[generalshadowmc]

Donations urgently needed.

I’m sure by now you all know the drill. I understand that shit’s tough for most of us right now but anything you can afford to part with is worth it. Fully vetted, all legit, let’s try to make something worthwhile out of this disaster.

Donate to Help Ali Survive and Evacuate Gaza, organized by Alia Jeraj

"Hello! My name is Dante Salermo, I am organizing this fundraiser for Ali and his family… Alia Jeraj needs your support for Help Ali Survive

[hudafam]

🚨 It’s urgent 🚨

Don’t skip please 🙏💔

Donate to Help Feed & House Moataz and Hoda!, organized by Adam M

My name is Motaz, and my wife is Huda. We got married only three months before the war. We d… Adam M needs your support for Help Feed & Hous

Hi all,I’m Huda from Gaza. My husband and I were eagerly waiting the arrival of our first child after 9 months of suffering, malnutrition, diseases,but I lost him last week. My first child died coz of this war. I suffered from blood poisoning and was given a blood transfusion after giving birth.

It’s not easy to wait your first child and suddenly you lose him💔😔 My husband and I have lost our first baby after 9 months of pregnancy 💔😔 so help us please to find a safe place and rebuild our lives 💔

For the sake of humanity help me and my husband, share and donate to be able to start again and rebuild our life please 🙏

Donate to Help Feed & House Moataz and Hoda!, organized by Adam M

My name is Motaz, and my wife is Huda. We got married only three months before the war. We d… Adam M needs your support for Help Feed & Hous

Share please 🙏

@samerpal @sadbiooi @battleofthegarys @illpunchababy @alliterate-accident @flashingdaydreams @s7ar-sai10r @playstacean @tallytals @monotremesoup @dlxxv-vetted-donations @ilikefoodandyourmom @i-named-my-cactus-albert @pogasssm @thethrillbasisindeterminable @agremlinthing @huzni @bagofbonesmp3 @amigarobot @hussyknee @divorce-enjoyer @treffyfrinn @lm13y @effen-draws @thatsonehellofabird @neechees @queerpotat @queerstudiesnatural @maester-cressen @lampsbian @freddyfazbearboyfriend @sundung @totally-six @shinydreamtacoprune-blog @rad-lightning-boy @sunidentifiables @groovy-tragedy-girl @aloudlyprofoundduck @comrademango @ami-yonanaya @trompe1oeil @rob-os-17 @loversdesires @autisticmudkip @broccoliaskjgnbhb4444 @brokenbackmountain

@ot3 @mangocheesecakes @good-old-gossip @dragon-master-kai @vakarians-babe @prinnay @neptunerings @paper-mario-wiki @newsfrom-theworld @a-scary-lack-of-common-sense @magnus-rhymes-with-swagness-blog @buttercuparry @westaysilly @sunflowersmoths@nieyaoevents @finalgirlabigailhobbs @normal-thoughts-official @flower-tea-fairies @mephal @mothfishing @theaethernetconnection @90-ghost @gaza-evacuation-funds @northgazaupdates2@treeen@keikuri@archivist-goldfish @loook-back-at-it @lookineedsleep@a-scary-lack-of-common-sense@ot3 @reminded @neechees @ankle-beez @paper-mario-wiki @khanger@treesbian @pigswithwings @mobiused @poss-um @possiblythebesteyesintheworld @noble-kale @a-shade-of-blue @chokulit @neptunerings @heydreamchild @dlxxv-vetted-donations @segamascott @autisticmudkip @shadowedskies178 @rowansugar @t-800terminator-blog @greggorylee @wellwaterhysteria @theleechyskrunkly @notlikingbestgirl @inkxplashes @ragtoons @blackcherri-stuff @ajloun @@irangp @sayruq

@appsa @sar-soor @sayruq @stuckinapril @heritageposts @neptunerings @feluka-blog-blog @malcriada @queerstudiesnatural @rizzyluke @determinate-negation

@tamamita @serial-unaliver @vampiricvenus @punkitt-is-here @2spirit-0spoons @paper-mario-wiki @omegaversereloaded @nyancrimew @90-ghost @beserkerjewel @ot3 @killy @prisonhannibal @aimasup @anneemay @dirhwangdaseul @neechees @memingursa @b0nkcreat @certifiedsexed @afro-elf @11thsense @sawasawako @vamprisms @girlinafairytale @spacebeyonce @skipppppy @beetledrink @schoolhater @3000s @annevbonny @fools-and-perverts2 @dailyquests @evillesbianvillain @wolfertinger666 @taffybuns @valtsv @postanagramgenerator @feluka @fairuzfan

[generalshadowmc]

Gonna at least throw whatever I can into spreading word for those struggling in Gaza should the moment present itself. We can’t let something like this just flicker out from inaction.

[mohgazah]

There is a fire in my heart that no one can see‼️

This is the Third time I’ve lived through the brutality of hunger its harshness, its silence.

I walk through the streets of the city and find nothing to feed my children.

🩸The first time was last year, when I documented my situation holding onto a piece of bread after over a month of deprivation.

🩸The second time was 6 months ago when I brought some flour for my family and I was very tired because it was a very long walk.

🩸Now, I’m reliving that same pain.

The helplessness before my children, the heartbreak, it feels like I’m failing as a father. This is the very definition of powerlessness. I am of no use to them.💔💔

*Do you feel the weight of this hunger in my heart?

*Can you hear the cries of my children’s empty stomachs?

*Is anyone out there listening?

*Can anyone help us or Or convey the voice of this hunger to those who can help us?

Please donate, we are in dire need of your humanity. I hope you will not leave us to die in this harsh hunger. We want to feel that there is someone we can rely on to lighten this burden a little.

My campaign is verified on Gazavetters under # (88).

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who supports us in these difficult circumstances. 🌹🫶🇵🇸

Hello 

[generalshadowmc]

I can’t add anything that hasn’t been said already but I can at least signal boost it. Let’s try and at least get some people through this nightmare.

[generalshadowmc]

Minor TW for talk of homicidal ideation.

Something that’s been niggling in the back of my head for a little while now is the question of whether or not I view relationships as a transaction. For a while I thought that wasn’t the case, given how fervently I can commit myself to somebody, but… more recent circumstances have kinda revealed to me that I *do.* Just not in a way that would seem especially apparent.

That drive to commit myself to someone seems to always link itself back to this idea of wanting to build something that I think is better, often geared toward them, in exchange for the kind of care that they’d provide. But it turns out that once that mechanism is disrupted it’s… actually pretty easy for me to emotionally divest myself from them. So much so that I didn’t even fully *notice* for a good while.

As for most others… I dunno, I still feel something of a disconnect. They might be a collection of stories that intrigues me, a puzzle box for me to crack or some other thing that piques my interest for a very particular function that I don’t think I would find myself feeling bereft of if they were to go. Plenty of other fish in the sea, y’know?

Not really sure where to go with that revelation, if it’d even be something that can be changed let alone whether I would care enough to, but I suppose it’s good to have a little more self-awareness.

It’s all fuel for the engine, this rapacious, impossible to satisfy thing that would just as well devour me from the inside out as put a bullet through somebody’s skull for the hell of it if I find them to be of little interest.

Of course neither outcome is really useful for me either, so here I am trying to figure out what a sustainable source of stimulus looks like entirely for the sake of those who I feel indebted to.

God I love this brain.

[generalshadowmc]

I don’t want unconditional love.

Perhaps this is something that’ll resonate with a few people, when I say that at this moment I don’t think there’s anything quite as confusing or even distressing to me as this idea of “unconditional love.”

I’m used to the idea of being able to fit into a performance, finding some way I can mould myself to be to someone’s benefit and getting the validation from it as a fuel to keep me going. A lack of clear criteria or opportunity for that means that I don’t really have anything to work with.

I can’t get that feeling of comfort and security because you’re depriving me of a route by which to obtain it, and it’s only a matter of time then before I… unfortunately just stop caring. I’ll become colder, resentful, wondering why the fuck you’re still here when I have literally nothing to gain from you and you don’t have anything to gain from me either except what feels like a false hope. I’m pretty good at being able to shut people out and it rarely ends well when I do.

Doesn’t mean I hate you, I can still wish you a life worth living and that all goes well just fine. But I also don’t hold any sentiment over it either… I don’t know if that’s something I can change, or even if I necessarily want to. But that’s a bit far removed from my point of interest here.

Point is, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a lot of people like myself who feel very similarly, and honestly for those who find themselves on the receiving end I can only apologise. Trust me it is NOT at all fun for us either and I expect that many won’t even know how to voice something like this properly, but them’s the breaks.

If you think there’s an opportunity still to try and work around that, genuinely, best of luck. But please, if you’re being told that someone doesn’t feel that spark anymore, take the hint. It’s not worth the stress for either person.

Believe me when I say I desperately wish that trust wasn’t such a fragile thing for so many of us… nor as hard to explain why it’s so fragile.

[thevampirenarc]

So You've Learned You Have NPD

Realising you have NPD can be incredibly heavy. It is very common to feel lost, afraid or angry about this condition, which might feel like it’s come out of nowhere. For many of us, identifying our NPD can cause an intense "narc crash" or ego collapse as we are confronted with an acknowledgment of our deepest wounds and flaws, accompanied with a damning narrative from the outside world that we are irreparably broken, evil, and so on...it can also be incredibly difficult to find support or help, as some therapists may refuse to work with us, and the internet is full of ableism and vitriol that encourages our suffering.

The heaviest part of my realisation was believing that having NPD meant I was unfixable and doomed to suffer forever, that I was trapped and would never be able to escape the pain I caused myself and others. It felt like confirmation of my deepest wounds: that I was inherently bad, fucked up, unlovable and rotten at my core. Due to the intense stigma NPD carries, I felt like I couldn’t tell a soul without being rejected and hated. I felt isolated and alone and what I really needed was someone to see me and say, "you're gonna be okay."

If you’ve recently discovered that you have NPD and you're feeling lost, alone, angry or confused, I wrote this post for you.

Seek Community

All of the best advice, support and comfort I’ve received—not only for NPD, but for all of my disabilities and mental health issues—has come from community. Community holds a wealth of knowledge and frees us from feeling trapped, alone and misunderstood. To quote an anon's advice, “Community is hard to manage, care for and understand, but it is worth it.” This disorder makes connections with others difficult, confusing and often triggering, and fostering community can be hard work at times, but it is worth it. Isolation feeds the fear and shame.

Tumblr, Instagram, Reddit, Discord and so on—pretty much all social platforms have cluster B spaces and PD spaces where you will find people who see you as a human being, who will offer their advice and perspectives without judgment, and who don't need you to mask to celebrate you.

Safe Resources

The internet is full of demonisation, stigma and cruelty. You will come across things like “how to destroy a narcissist”. You will hear ableist rhetoric. Do not listen to that shit. Here are some safe places to find resources.

HealNPD on Youtube

NPD Recovery 2.2 Discord Server

@/npddiaries, @/pathologicalnarcissus, @/spirit.narc, @/neurodivergent.elf, @/autisticallyurs, @/kidsa1nt and more on Instagram (not all of these ppl have NPD but still have useful info, remember to check out highlights as well as grid posts!)

I also recommend my own account (of course, lol) and especially my post on Self Neglect, which includes a section about approaching healing when parts of ourselves are resistant to it. 

There are also so many potentially beneficial therapies, depending on what you want to work on, what you have access to, and what feels right for you. REBT or DBT might help if you struggle with a lot of unhelpful thought processes, emotional regulation and intense anger or distress. EMDR might help if you have a lot of PTSD symptoms or intrusive traumatic memories. CFT, IFS therapy, or shadow work might help with processing shame and reintegrating the parts of yourself that you are rejecting/suppressing/shutting out. Therapy can come in many forms: on your own with a workbook or journal; one-on-one online or in person; in a group setting, or as part of a programme. Even if you're not aiming for remission/recovery, there's probably something among those that can help your day-to-day life.

Therapy is really hard. It requires you to engage with your vulnerable self, the one you probably spend most of your time burying. I recommend taking your time and prioritising building rapport with a therapist (if you're working with one) and making sure they know their stuff and respect you as their client. You can't always wait until you feel safe and ready to be vulnerable because that might not come, but you can work on making sure you're cared for and supported even when it's hard and scary.

Words of Affirmation

There are a lot of unhelpful and untrue narratives surrounding NPD, as with all stigmatised conditions. Here are some truths that I have learned and I want you to know, if that feels helpful for you.

You can heal. Remission is possible. Change is possible. Your brain has neuroplasticity, and that means it can form new neural pathways and rewire itself with time and practice. If you have a habit, behaviour or thought pattern that isn’t serving you, it is totally possible to change it into something better. All that you have learned can be unlearned. You can heal.

You are not evil. There is no disorder or disability that inherently makes someone a bad person. Lack of or lower empathy isn’t evil. Attention-seeking or egocentrism isn’t evil. All people of all neurotypes have the capacity to cause harm or make bad decisions, and maybe you have hurt others and done things you aren't proud of, but you are not a monster. You don’t deserve to be dehumanised. You are not evil.

You deserve to have boundaries. Having NPD or any disorder does not mean you are inherently “manipulative”, "overdramatic" and “noncompliant” and therefore deserve to have your agency stolen and your boundaries eroded. Your needs are valid and your feelings matter. You are as deserving of autonomy and support as anyone else. You deserve to have boundaries.

You are already worthy. People with NPD typically have a deep-rooted sense of shame that drives a lot of the aggressive/defensive, self-enhancing and perfectionist behaviours. Learning to release yourself from shame is the key to getting better. You are good enough. Imperfect and messy, you are good enough. When you make a mistake or you make choices you aren’t proud of, you are good enough. You don’t have to evade, attack or deny, because your worth cannot be diminished by any imperfection. You are already worthy.

And Finally...

A little request from my fellow NPDers—if you have any other suggestions, advice or words of support for the newly diagnosed or questioning folk, please feel invited to include them in the reblogs or replies of this post so we can collate some resources here for those who need them :)

[generalshadowmc]

It’s not much, but I’m just going to add this here as it’s something that I’m having to confront… if it feels like you’re adrift in a relationship and are trying to cobble together some new kind of “role” to slot yourself into… tell them that. I mean it.

I know it does mean feeling extremely exposed and… probably still having an urge SCREAMING at you to fight back and reclaim the narrative but if you think you’ve found somebody you can trust enough then PLEASE allow yourself the space to speak candidly about that pain.

I’m not saying it’s easy: you WILL find yourself trying to turn things around again or play things off and probably not even realise you’re doing it, but the more they can understand the more you can gain some real control over how this shit impacts the way you interact with others and the world. Of course, as always do it at a pace you’re comfortable with, put up and figure out boundaries as you need to… but it’ll be worth the effort.

It won’t be perfect, but I promise, it’ll feel a lot more fucking real than trying to chase a version of ourselves that can never be satisfied.

[thevampirenarc]

How do you experience grandiosity?

Grandiosity describes viewing oneself as superior, important, exceptional or special, particularly to an exaggerated degree. Although it is a common feature of NPD, grandiosity is not unique to NPD, and my question is open to anyone who experiences it!

People with NPD can experience grandiosity in different ways and to varying degrees. For some, their grandiosity can come across in their behaviour, but others may internally experience grandiose thoughts and feelings without outwardly expressing them. Grandiosity can also fluctuate, including becoming more intense during 'narc highs' or lessening during 'narc crashes'. Some people may be able to recognise that a grandiose thought or belief is false or unrealistic, whilst for others, they may be unable to see another reality.

To give some examples, grandiosity can make you feel invulnerable to harm, as though you cannot get hurt and things can't go wrong. Perhaps as though you will never run out of money, or nobody will ever deny you anything you ask for. It can feel like you are exceptionally talented, popular or powerful, like you could excel at anything you put your hand to, or that everyone you meet envies and admires you. People experiencing grandiosity might see themselves as royalty, gods, or superhuman. Some aspects of grandiosity can be amusing or enjoyable, but at other times, it can be distressing or even dangerous when our beliefs don't reflect reality.

I thought it would be interesting to discuss our experiences with grandiosity in the replies/reblogs and see how they differ and where there are similarities. As ever, you can respond with an anonymous ask if that is more comfortable for you!

What does grandiosity look like for you?

[generalshadowmc]

Fuck it, might as well throw my hat into the ring.

Talking as someone who’s been speculating about being in the realm of ASPD and/or NPD for a while now, if I had to describe my experience with grandiosity… a lot of it kinda comes back to an idea of control.

Internally I see myself as just… terrible, frankly, an angry wretch who should have been dead a long time ago and have been extremely careful to cultivate something that very much ISN’T that. Someone in control of his emotions, who can speak about these things easily and with a glib sense of humour while being able to use that to uplift someone else and (many times) show off a pretty keen perceptiveness to their own emotional states. Makes me useful, makes me “more,” makes me worth a damn, you get the idea. It’s actually a bit of a problem on multiple levels because oftentimes if I don’t have that impetus then I can feel exceedingly empty towards someone. Not that I stop caring as such, I just… don’t feel like I have anything that I can talk to them about.

It doesn’t exactly help then that I’ve also been very good at upholding this persona in the past, and only in recent memory has anyone been able to get through that and it’s left me goddamn floundering because I feel like I have nothing to fill in that void, no role I can assign myself for them to keep the performance going. It’s a deeply frustrating thing since it just flares up all my worst instincts of wanting to antagonise and hurt them despite really being grateful to have them around… fun times all around.