I post about NPD and trauma recovery, and try to fight the misinformation and stigma cluster B folk face!
Posts Masterlist (#my posts)
The History of Narcissism
What is NPD? - Beyond the DSM
So You've Learned You Have NPD
NPD Splitting
The Fawn Response in NPD
NPD, Neglect & Self-Neglect
Relationships with NPD
It's Not Narcissistic Abuse
How Abuse is Systemic
You can also find bonus stuff under '#npd posting' and '#vamps thoughts on things' and resources I've reblogged under '#mental health resources' and '#npd resources'
This account is pro-recovery, anti-carceral and anti-sanist. I am here in solidarity with all clusters and all Mad and mentally ill folk đŤśđť we all deserve better
My DMs are closed (except to mutuals) but my asks are open! Ask anything you want, but please do not use my asks as a space to vent đ¤
Keep in mind that I am not a medical professional - I can offer you my thoughts and advice but I can't diagnose you or anyone you know, nor will I try to
no hmm imma choose 1 and uhhh 23? if thats the one with the creative in it? đââď¸
Maybe not all at once, eh? đ¤ okay, 1 and 23!
1. Trust is verrryy difficult for me. I am a pretty paranoid person and I find it really hard to believe other people are safe, won't weaponise anything I reveal about myself against me, will still like me if I am vulnerable, etc. and I feel this general wariness even around people I like and think are cool. I do trust a few people though: namely my mum, one of my siblings, you, and another friend.
23. As a creative with NPD, I have super high standards and I hate sharing anything that isn't like, a fully rendered and polished piece of art. I feel like if people saw my sketches, they wouldn't think I was talented anymore, and we can't have that (/lh). Also, criticising or questioning my art in a negative way is a surefire way to piss me offđ . With other people's work, it depends on who the artist/creative is, honestly. Someone who I perceive as "worse" than me or someone I consider a friend, I will generally just want to encourage and uplift them. If it is a stranger who I perceive to be a "better" artist than me (who does the same sort of art, I don't mind if we 'occupy different niches', so to speak), then I get jealous. I get this burning, anxious urge to somehow befriend them or reach out, purely to get them to acknowledge me and the fact that I'm a skilled artist too, and I'll probably end up avoiding them to try and prevent that feeling 'cause it sucks!
something significant that I rarely ever see acknowledged is that narcissism can cause hypomania and depression. there unfortunately isn't much information available on these episodes, but they're referred to in the community as "narc highs" and "narc collapses/crashes" and mentioned in the DSM-5 as follows:
these states can often reach "clinical" intensity--thus why 50% of narcissists also have a mood disorder diagnosis (which is split half-and-half between depressive and bipolar in particular)---but they can also manifest in ways that never meet the criteria for an additional "disorder."
for instance, I've experienced two highs and countless collapses, but I am neither bipolar nor "clinically depressed."
My highs have lasted hours to days and been characterized by feelings of overwhelming joy (which is hard to describe but. I had butterflies in My stomach, kept laughing for no apparent reason, and felt like screaming in ecstasy all the time), invulnerability to rejection, hyperfocus on newfound passion projects, and restlessness.
meanwhile, My collapses have lasted hours to months and been characterized by incapacitating levels of emptiness and hopelessness, fatigue, suicidal ideation, and self-harm.
BUT I don't qualify for a bipolar diagnosis because I've never met the criteria for major depression or the severity of full-blown mania. likewise, I don't qualify for any depressive diagnosis because My episodes have never met symptom cut-off of MDD, the length of PDD, or the cyclical pattern of PMDD.
still, that doesn't mean that these episodes are insignificant parts of My life (namely as far as collapses go), and I really do wish that more attention was given to the way narcissism can mimic and lead to mood disorders.
feel free to use this as an ask game or prompts for your own posts (although I'd recommend clarifying if you want asks in the tags so I can know who to respond to).
is trust difficult for you? is there anyone you currently do trust?
what part of having NPD do you feel isn't discussed enough?
how does NPD affect your friendships?
is there anything non-narcissists feel, think, or do that you just can't wrap your head around?
how much do you mask your NPD, if at all?
are there any songs that you relate to due to your NPD?
do you have any co-occurrences? if so, does your NPD affect how they present (or vice versa)?
has anyone in your family been diagnosed with NPD? do you think learned behavior/genetics played a role in your diagnosis?
how good is your cognitive empathy (the ability to recognize--but not necessarily mirror--others' feelings)? is it better or worse than your emotional empathy?
how much emotional empathy do you feel? do you wish you could feel more?
how do you feel about romance? does your NPD affect your desire for or ability to maintain romantic relationships?
what's the worst thing about having NPD? what's the best?
have you ever known another person with NPD? were you compatible?
do you tend to lie? why or why not? do you feel any remorse when you do so?
are you self- or clinically diagnosed? regardless, what process led you to your NPD diagnosis?
can you love? if so, what does it feel like for you?
how comfortable are you with expressing your feelings? are there any emotions you always hide from others?
do you also have (C-)PTSD? do you consider your NPD a manifestation of post-traumatic stress?
what's the first sign you showed of NPD? how old were you at the time?
is there any particular trait your grandiosity centers around (E.G. intelligence, beauty, morality, etc.)?
what's your relationship with holidays like? how do you feel about birthdays?
do you have a preference for person-first ("person with NPD") or identity-first ("narcissist") language? why or why not?
if you're a creative, how does NPD affect your work? does NPD affect how you see other people's creations?
what's the most difficult part of interacting with other people for you?
do you have an equal or otherwise special person? how easily do you get attached to others?
how much of an effect--if any--does social media have on your self-image? have you ever done anything self-destructive for likes/followers or struggled with social media addiction?
do you think society's view of NPD is improving, devolving, or stagnating? and why? how do you think NPD will be seen 10 years from now?
who's your favorite character with NPD, canon or headcanon?
how dependent are you on others? is independence important to you?
what's your most common grandiose fantasy?
is there anything else that you want to say for NPD awareness month?
I highly encourage reblog karma (sending asks to people you reblog from) and will try to send asks to people who reblog now through july when I have the energy.
(And a narc's perspective on the "Narcissistic Abuse Cycle")
Maintaining relationships, especially romantic or queerplatonic ones where closeness and emotional intimacy are expected of us, can be very difficult as a person with NPD. Lower empathy levels, unreasonable standards or entitlement, emotional impermanence, jealousy, relational dissociation and avoidance of vulnerability are among the aspects of NPD that can make being in relationships harder, but difficult doesnât mean impossible, and people with NPD can achieve healthy, loving relationships if they desire them. As I am not currently in a relationship, Iâm drawing from past experiences as well as the experiences other NPDers have shared with me.
I will also touch on some of the misinformation and stigma surrounding people with NPD in relationships.
Side note, if you or someone you're dating has NPD, here are some resources (not by me) that might be helpful to you:
[Advice for dating someone with NPD]
[Communicating intense/irrational emotions]
Now, letâs get into it!Â
Emotional intimacy with NPD is tough. Many of us have avoidant or anxious attachments, have experienced abuse and/or neglect, fear abandonment or rejection, and never learned how to have healthy connections with others. NPD itself is built upon a deep-rooted insecurity, self-hatred or lack of sense of self, and that impacts the way we relate to and interact with others as well. That does not mean that NPDers are going to be abusive in relationships. Dating with any serious mental health issues is always a challenge, but not inherently toxic.
What is it like to be in a relationship with NPD?
I asked some fellow NPDers about their experiences in relationships. Here are some things they shared with me:
âComforting [others] is difficult with low empathy...Iâm uncomfortable with strong emotions and even laugh when I or someone else is upset.â
"I really don't feel any empathy for partners & can't even pretend to care abt their feelings."
"Hyping up my gf is easier because she's equal to me, so I idolize her like I do myself."
âI struggle...bc I see vulnerability as below me. I also donât think anyone is worthy.â
"I find it hard when my ideals are not agreed with...if you don't agree with me, that means I'm wrong and I'm never wrong. We have to talk it out if things like that happen but it's still difficult."
âI struggle with extreme jealousy when it comes to my partner doing pretty much anything without me, especially when it comes to other people...I rarely voice this though, mainly because I want to conserve their view of me.â
For many people with NPD, we want to control the image we project of ourselves. We may want to come across as perfect as possible to ensure we are liked and admired. Because flaws and weaknesses feel like reason to hate or reject us, we are more resistant to being vulnerable or admitting to any struggles we are facing internally or within the relationship. This greatly limits the ability to emotionally connect to and feel safe with a partner. In the past, my relationships haven't lasted very long due to this.
Splitting and black-and-white thinking can also be an issue in NPD. Of course, it is unrealistic to expect our partner to have no flaws, never get upset with us and agree with us on everything, but any friction, any disagreements, or imperfections my partner may have, can feel like evidence that they arenât right for me and our relationship is never going to work. This is an example of black-and-white thinking that has been left unchallenged in the past: anything less than perfect isnât good enough.
None of these issues are things that canât be worked on or accommodated. With therapy, good communication with our partner, a support system, and simply practice, people with NPD can learn how to open up, seek reassurance, and trust their partner. Cognitive empathy can be learned, but empathy is not essential to be a supportive and compassionate partner.Â
This brings me to talk about ânarc abuseâ...
I have discussed before why narcissistic abuse is not a helpful or legitimate term for the abuse someone has experienced. âNarc abuse expertsâ often have a misconstrued or totally false concept of what a narcissist, i.e. person with NPD, is, and ascribe general toxic and abusive behaviours (lying, cheating, verbal abuse, financial abuse, gaslighting etc.) to NPD, even though none of these things are unique to any mental health condition, nor mentioned in any current or proposed diagnostic criteria for NPD.Â
There are many stigmatising beliefs about people with NPD. For example, that we cannot change, that we cannot love, that we wonât seek help, and that we seek out kind-hearted individuals to exploit and abuse for âsupplyâ (attention and validation).Â
I want to point out that our behaviour in NPD tends to be subconscious and emotionally driven. Weâre reacting out of our emotional states, our egos and our trauma wounds. It is not typical of NPD to have a conscious desire to exploit and harm, nor to deliberately seek out and ensnare vulnerable individuals in order to abuse them.
Brains with NPD have neuroplasticity like all other brains, and NPDers absolutely can change, learn and grow. NPDers do seek help from within our community and from professionals all the time. Remission is real and possible. Healing is real and possible. Yes, it can be difficult with NPD to recognise or acknowledge mistakes or weaknesses, but that doesnât make it impossible.
Love is an ambiguous term that means different things to different people. Whether a person with NPD feels they love in a typical way, in their own way, or not at all, is very personal and individual. It can be helpful to consider that love is not necessarily a feeling, but a choice: to choose a person, to have them in our lives, to care for them and let them care for us, regardless of whether or not we can feel connection, empathy, attraction, or anything else.
Some people use emotional impermanence in NPD as proof that people with NPD cannot love, which is ableist. Emotional permanence can be impaired in NPD as well as other neurodivergences, which can lead to a person requiring a lot of reassurance, insecurity, and having more easily fluctuating emotions. If an emotion is not being felt or shown in that specific moment, it can feel as though it never existed. For example, if someone is angry at us, we may believe they donât love us because we cannot perceive the love they expressed in the past as permanent. It is not currently being expressed, and thus doesnât seem to exist.Â
As a result, people with NPD can seem to lose or gain feelings for someone very quickly. We might seem to move on more easily after a break-up. This does not mean that love we expressed in the past was false or a lie. NPDers with impaired emotional permanence did not choose to have this trait and it does not undermine the validity of anything we do feel.Â
...and the "narcissistic abuse cycle"
The effects of emotional impermanence and avoidant attachment behaviours in NPD are not a ânarcissistic abuse cycle.â
Abusive relationships absolutely can be (but arenât always) cyclical. A perpetrator of domestic violence or abuse may follow a pattern of love-bombing, a phase of calm or growing tension, an incident of violence and abuse, followed by reconciliation, in a repeating cycle. I am not suggesting abuse cycles don't exist, because they definitely do. However abuse is not inherent to NPD, and is not the same as what I am describing below.
In my personal experience, relationships will start off being desirable and exciting, before something leads them to feel unsafe and uncomfortable. This could be being pressured to open up or a disagreement. The fear of being abandoned can be a motivator to put more effort in and be what my partner wants, only for the avoidant behaviours to creep back in again. This can lead to a âhot and coldâ, âpush and pullâ dynamic.
Phases of enthusiasm for the relationship are not love-bombing, and phases of emotional distance are not meant as manipulation. Instead, it is often a constant internal battle between the desire for love and connection, and the fear of vulnerability and rejection, which can lead to inconsistent behaviours externally and within the relationship. The intent is not to control my partner; it is me trying to navigate the hurricane of conflicting feelings and needs as both a traumatised person and a human being who desires connection.
I do not think this dynamic is healthy or fair. I can only imagine how unsettling and distressing the periods of pulling away can be. But I donât think it is necessarily always abusive, and it isnât coersion or ill-intended.
With NPD, the constant need for validation can come at odds to the aversion to intimacy or vulnerability. We want to be loved and cared about, to have our emotional needs met, to be validated and enjoy the company of our partner, but it can also be exceedingly difficult to communicate any fears or doubts that may arise, and we might then find ourselves shutting down, defensive, distancing ourselves and sabotaging the relationship. When we realise what weâre doing, we might try to make amends, only for it to happen again further down the line. Recognising this cycle is the first step to breaking it.
Healthy love takes work
If one or more members of the relationship aren't willing to put the effort in, it may be better not to have that relationship. It's best to leave someone if they're unwilling to work with you, or if you know you aren't willing to work with them.
Any of us who desire relationships deserve to have relationships that are healthy and loving, where our differences are accommodated, we work together to make sure everyone's needs are met, and we are safe. It may not be easy, but people with NPD are just as deserving and just as capable of having this as anyone else.
An anonymous ask has helped me reflect on some parts of my post that are abuse-apologist in nature, and I want to make some amendments.
In one part, I wrote:
I want to point out that our behaviour in NPD tends to be subconscious and emotionally driven. Weâre reacting out of our emotional states, our egos and our trauma wounds. It is not typical of NPD to have a conscious desire to exploit and harm, nor to deliberately seek out and ensnare vulnerable individuals in order to abuse them.
I wanted to challenge the narrative that pwNPD are these evil cartoon villains sitting and plotting in their lairs, choosing their victims and then enacting their evil plans. But, by using language like "conscious desire" and "deliberately seek out", it implied that unintentionally engaging in the harm and exploitation of others is somehow less damaging or more "okay" than if it were conscious. I want to apologise for that. It doesn't matter how intentional it was - the abuse the victim experienced was real regardless.
And this section:
Phases of enthusiasm for the relationship are not love-bombing, and phases of emotional distance are not meant as manipulation. Instead, it is often a constant internal battle between the desire for love and connection, and the fear of vulnerability and rejection, which can lead to inconsistent behaviours externally and within the relationship. The intent is not to control my partner; it is me trying to navigate the hurricane of conflicting feelings and needs as both a traumatised person and a human being who desires connection.
I do not think this dynamic is healthy or fair. I can only imagine how unsettling and distressing the periods of pulling away can be. But I donât think it is necessarily always abusive, and it isnât coersion or ill-intended.
It was not right for me to say or imply that this behaviour was not coercive or abusive just because that wasn't my intention. As the anon said, abuse does not require intent, and believing it does not only minimises the victim's suffering but also limits our ability to self-reflect and change our behaviour, because we can dismiss someone saying we harmed them as, "well, I didn't mean to, so it wasn't really abuse," - and that's not okay.
Ultimately, we - pwNPD, cluster Bs, people in general - don't get to determine how those around us experience our behaviour, so if someone says they were abused, please believe them, even if you/the perpetrator never meant to hurt them.
hey!!! your post on navigating relationships as a pwnpd is excellent and very helpful. one thing i do want to say though is that there's this repeated sentiment that well pwnpd can do xyz but that doesn't mean it's abusive or meant to be harmful and it's important to point out that abuse does not require intent to abuse or intent to hurt or harm. most people who are abusing others would not say, if asked, that they want to abuse or harm someone. and i think it's really important not to say or imply that abuse requires intent, because it leads to people not critically reflecting on their own behaviour and is a form of abuse apologism.
Thank you so much for this ask, anon, that is a really good point. If someone says we harmed or abused them, then us not *intending* to harm them doesn't matter, they still experienced it as harm. Really appreciate you bringing this up as I can now see why I was making that implication and how it was wrong. I will make an addition onto my post!
I think where many miss the mark on accepting those with stigmatising mental disorders is they're so focused on this idea only morally acceptable people deserve the dignity of their disability being accepted.
Even though I am a narcissist, I have come across other narcissists who I consider bad people that I would not like to be friends with. I am often told I am a "good narcissist" by egotypicals trying to affirm me, especially when I was in the early stages of accepting I have NPD and terrified about being viewed as a bad person. What I found comforting thenâbeing told it's fine I'm a narcissist because I'm a good personâI now wish was being told narcissists who don't fit the egotypical definitions of goodness are still human.
A "bad narcissist" deserves treatment.
A "bad narcissist" deserves access to resources for their mental health.
A "bad narcissist" deserves their humanity.
People love to tell me "I support narcissists!âexcept the bad ones."
From this, I wonder what their support means. I wonder how much they care about mentally disabled people if they can pick and choose who they want to dignify as disabled and who they want to write off as scum.
Is it any different, I wonder, to misgendering a bad person because they just so happen to be trans? Do they not deserve the dignity of their identity for their actions?
Is a diagnosis even worth it? Iâve talked things over with my therapist and gained clarity on my symptoms; I most definitely have most NPD traits (specifically covert with a side of schizoid, both overlap significantly). Now the issue is that it feels both enlightening and futile. Aside from DBT and ACT therapy Iâm at a loss for what to do (even more so because it doesnât feel like they help at all). Am I supposed to talk this over with my psychiatrist? Does it even matter?
I am not formally diagnosed, so I can't speak to the value of those, honestly. My therapist and psychologist have both taken "symptom-based" approaches over "diagnosis-based" ones, which is why I haven't been diagnosed. It is important to understand ourselves, how we think and function, why we think and function that way, etc. and having a diagnosis can definitely be enlightening and help give us a direction to explore and research further, but it isn't worth it to everyone. Sometimes a diagnosis is necessary to access certain resources, sometimes it results in things like medical and workplace discrimination...there are pros and cons, for sure.
Definitely do talk it over with your psych if the therapies you're doing aren't feeling helpful. Maybe it's the wrong approach, being taught/applied in a way that doesn't work for you, or the therapist isn't a good fit - maybe they're trying to do things with you that you aren't ready for, or a part of yourself is blocking the parts trying to progress (just speaking from experience!).
It does matter if you feel like what you're doing in therapy is pointless, unhelpful, or worthless. Ultimately, you're gonna end up resentful and likely to give up if you try to keep going with something that feels meaningless to you. There are so many ways to approach personal growth - there are bound to be new approaches or ways to change things that resonate better with you! Good luck, anon.
I think that I may be developing/have npd or a superiority complex, and I don't know what to do about it. I do fit the criteria and also have similar experiences to people diagnosed with npd. What gets me is this: If I actually have the disorder, what the hell should I do? I'm too scared to tell other people because I know that they'll judge me, make fun of me, etc. And no matter what I do, I can't actually stop myself from having the need to be better than everyone else because if I'm not better than everybody or the best, then I'm just worthless. All that I've been doing as of late is to just pretend that I don't feel like that. I can't see a psychologist, and I'm busy with studies, what do I do?
Hi anon! Thanks for sending this in. I think the first really important step for you will be understanding *why* you've developed NPD/a superiority complex. You can't properly find the solutions to a problem without knowing what the root of that problem is! /lh
I think you've already hinted at it in your question: somewhere in your brain is the deep-rooted belief that you are worthless if you are not the best. In many cases, our brains become what we need to survive, and our NPD traits, now or at some point, served to meet our needs so that we could continue surviving. Being worthless may have been unsurvivable for you, but striving for perfection and framing yourself as superior allowed you to keep going. Because it was necessary at some point, our brains will often still believe these feelings and behaviours are necessary, and it isn't as simple as "stop feeling like that". But! The good news is, brains can be rewired, retaught. They can learn and change if we help them to.
The bad news is that healing NPD doesn't have a quick and easy fix. It's totally possible without getting a psych or being open about your NPD, but it will take time and difficult emotional work, and is definitely easier with some form of support, be that a loved one or a therapist of some kind. If you can't get support from those places, know you have support from this community!
One of the really tricky but useful things is not enabling the NPD mindset if you're aiming to try and change it. At first, knowing I had NPD made it so much easier to excuse my own behaviour when I placed myself above others, mentally devalued and belittled them, felt overly entitled, etc., but that only reinforced those beliefs, and my goal is to change them. It is difficult but necessary to try to reason with the cognitive distortions and unhelpful mindsets: to realise all humans are equally valuable and deserving; that we are NOT worthless and our worth is NOT defined by outward achievements like beauty or academic success; that people are, generally, doing their best, even when their best is shit, and that having grace for others is pretty important if we want to live a life with some peace in it. And that validation can come from inside as well as outside.
In the long run, I would recommend something like shadow work, schema therapy, IFS therapy (which I am hoping to write a post on at some point soon!) or an NPD-specific workbook, but given that you're busy with studies, for right now I'd say start by noticing when you're exhibiting behaviours you want to change, noticing the patterns of what triggers them or what situations they show up in, and using that knowledge to try and shift those thought patterns when they appear. It's okay (necessary, even!) to feel angry, jealous, entitled, and so on sometimes, but it is well worth learning how to get ourselves through those times with compassion for ourselves and others, and teaching ourselves that our worth is an innate thing that failure or social rejection cannot take away from us.
hey, sorry if this is inappropriate you donât need to answer,
but what was what it that made you think: âoh, there might be something about me that i need to reflect on a bit more?â
i have family members that were diagnosed (i say diagnosed but they quit going to their therapy sessions when it was first posed by the psychiatrist) with NPD, and they are very upset and in complete denial that they could have any kind of personality disorder.
i know itâs not unusual for a person with NPD to strongly reject or react strongly to something that makes them feel negatively about themselves, but it makes me curious about those who understand themselves and have been open to getting a diagnosis and exploring what that means.
was this something you figured out on your own, or were there external factors that lead you down this path of understanding? unfortunately i am not longer on speaking terms with the people iâm thinking of, but i still hope that one day theyâll be surrounded by people they care about, who they donât inadvertently push away
This is an interesting question! No worries, I'm happy to answer. To be honest, I think I am sorta the stereotype since I didn't figure out I had NPD by myself, and I didn't accept it right away either. I denied it for a long while (several months up to a year, I don't remember the exact timeline) after it was brought up to me, although of course, I came to terms with it in time! I'll go into the circumstances in more detail below if you're interested.
By chance, I became friends with someone with BPD+NPD who ran a server for pwPDs, and they invited me to join their PD server so I could learn, which I was happy to accept since I've always been really interested in psychology and mental health.
Over time, this friend started to joke about "pwNPD feel like that" and "are you sure you don't have NPD?" as we became closer. I, of course, vehemently denied it. How could I possibly have NPD? I'm so kind and caring and humble and blah blah blah... (/lh). My friend very gently took me through the DSM-5 criteria and discussed the ways I met most of them (with my permission - I humoured them because I was curious). They sent me off to research it further myself, and I did. I related a lot to what I read, but I continued to deny I could actually have NPD. The idea terrified me...and it answered questions I'd had about myself (and been ignoring) for a long time. I knew that SO MANY THINGS made me feel intensely distressed, angry and afraid. I couldn't get close to people or be vulnerable, I got extremely jealous, had these impossibly high standards, I had to be the best (or the worst) in the room, et cetera...I knew I had these issues, but I didn't want to admit there was something wrong with me, and I didn't want to accept that the reason for it all was a personality disorder. I didn't want to feel like I was weak and broken. Still, as I made the connection between the emotional distress I experienced and NPD, I realised I did have NPD.
Unfortunately, I then had a big ego crash/breakdown and relapse and all of that - admitting something is wrong with you on that level is incredibly painful when your entire self-worth rests on being perfect. It felt like this massive backstep in my mental health journey, going from "doing well" (I thought) to this shattered ego and all the worst shame and self-loathing within me came oozing out. I ended up cutting the friend out of my life for "causing" my mental health decline. We have since spoken, and I have apologised, but at the time, I blamed them for opening my eyes to something I kinda didn't want to see.
In hindsight, I'm glad they did, because I wasn't gonna address the root of my problems on my own, and it was stopping me from healing. Now, several years later, I am working on recovery and doing a lot better, and have so much more knowledge and awareness - and have even made a couple of great friends from the Cluster B community.
I will say, I had been in and out of therapy for 5+ years before all this happened, mainly for anxiety and depression, and that meant I didn't have to deal with starting therapy for the first time on top of accepting having NPD. One less source of overwhelm. I think the people who never accept they have a problem and never work to address it...they're probably really afraid, though it's not an excuse if they're hurting people.
It sounds like you made the right choice cutting contact with those people, if they were unable to process the problems they had and were causing, though I too wish that one day they'll have the strength to step towards healing. And I hope you're doing well yourself đ¤
we're a system and a small streamer that's very open about having npd (online, at least)
we have lots of friends, several acquaintances, and we have two partners, and every single one of them is aware of us having npd
and all of them still value us, care about us, and love us deeply
for anyone who's not out, in denial, and/or in an unsupportive environment, i promise you that there are people out there who Will accept you, who Will care about you and want you around
even if it takes a while to find the people who will treat you as you deserve, there's always hope
people will want you as you are, and will help you be the best version of yourself
you deserve stability and support, and i know that you'll find that one day if you haven't already
Very important message! Thank you for taking the time to say so!
If you're on instagram and interested in npd recovery content, check out @/spirit.narc! She used to post npd content years ago, took a long hiatus, and is back now talking about her journey to remission. I've found her recent content really reassuring and wanted to share ^-^
so, theres a severe lack of easy-to-access, helpful online resources for psychotic and schizospec disorders (google is literally useless wrt this for some reason), and iâm gonna attempt to remedy that. all of the resources below are resources iâve personally found useful
firstly, iâll tentatively drop a support group: iâve personally been to hearing voices groups and have found them helpful with the particular empathy other psychotic people provide + the lack of pathologization, something i absolutely cannot get anywhere else. i suggest looking over their resource page, but i will note that for some psychotic people, especially people actively in a psychotic episode and experiencing significant delusions, this may not be helpful due to the inherent validation it provides! be careful in any case, and feel free to consume critical (1) perspectives on it as well.
also, forums can be nice. i suggest psych forums as well as schizophrenia forums (note: second is for both people with schizophrenia and caretakers/partners/families of people with schizophrenia, and the former has subcategories for every mental illness)
understanding psychosis:Â resources and recovery, very comprehensive but easy to read examination of psychotic symptoms and steps towards recovery. also has a helpful section on side effects of medication + considerations when deciding if medication is right for you
CBT for psychotic symptoms (consider going through this with a therapist, but it can be helpful alone too) + skip to appendix 2 (pg. 133) for worksheets
dealing with psychosis toolkit, self explanatory. consider looking at other things on earlypsychosis as well
what is schizoaffective disorder? (generally reliable information, i have a few issues with some of the wording though)
NAMI facts on schizophrenia and NIMH publications on psychosis
60 coping strategies for hallucinations
dealing with psychosis: full workbook, pretty self explanatory but very helpful and also relatively easy to read
now, for those without psychosis: how can you help people with schizospec/psychotic disorders?
the doâs and donâtâs of helping a family member (or friend!) in psychosis
helping someone with psychosis (tumblr post)
psychosis first aid guidelines for loved ones
dealing with unusual thoughts and behaviors factsheet
steps for working with delusions
if youâre a friend, family member, or at all close with someone with schizophrenia or psychosis i heavily encourage you to research as much as you can, and above all else listen to what schizophrenic and psychotic people say. if you ever find yourself in a situation where you donât know what to do, it never hurts to ask the person in question how you can help them.Â
book recommendations (with links):
understanding your schizophrenia illness
cbt for psychosis: a symptom based approach
psychosis, trauma and dissociation: emerging perspectives on severe psychopathologyÂ
when the sun bursts: the enigma of schizophrenia (title sounds cheesy, is actually really good)
cognitive therapy for schizophrenia
living outside mental illness: qualitative studies of recovery in schizophrenia
trauma and psychosis: new directions for theory and therapy
schizoaffective disorders: international perspectives on understanding, intervention and rehabilitation
recovered, not cured: a journey through schizophrenia
note: the majority of these books arenât very accessible as theyâre meant for clinicians, but these are just books that iâve found helpful in general
add anything else thatâs been helpful for you accordingly! if youâre nonpsychotic feel free to reblog as well, as it could be helpful for any followers you might have that are psychoticÂ
So I'm currently doing IFS (internal family systems) therapy, and it provides a really interesting framework for understanding my various defence/survival mechanisms, how they interact, and what they're trying to protect me from, as well as how to address them and move towards healing. I'm pretty optimistic about this work helping me with how I handle things going forward! Would you folks be interested in hearing more about my experiences with IFS? đŚ
There's a bunch of adhd advice out there that's like "people with adhd tend to work better under deadlines due to the anxiety so here are ways to artificially induce a stress response in order to get you to get work done" and it's like well what if I don't want to be stressed out all the time in order to function
hey loves, Iâve been reading through the comments and loads of people are asking how to not fall into this pattern because thatâs all they know. so, hereâs some advice from Auntie Pan whoâs been in the trenches (stress-caused disabilities and chronic illnesses).
context: grew up in an abusive, controlling home, escaped to uni, had a prolonged mental breakdown, became a teacher and worked in a dysfunctional school with amazing kids and nightmare management for years. I did not realise I have adhd and autism for a long time. (You might even be able to scroll back through this blog to find the time around which I did realise lol.)
ANYWAY, things that have helped me because my body can no longer handle any kind of stress without flaring up:
If youâre doing anything that requires you to do a lot of prep before you begin the actual thing (e.g. cooking, deep cleaning a room, moving house), mise en place. Thatâs a fancy french way of saying get everything ready before you begin. So if Iâm cooking idk spaghetti carbonara, that means fry and chop the bacon, separate the egg yolks from the whites, put water in the kettle, put dry spaghetti into a pan. Once everythingâs ready, it reduces the mental load and means I can focus on the actual cooking and any clean up that I can do along the way. H/t to @ms-demeanor for this, you changed my life!
the Might As Well rule. This one works really well for me but you gotta be careful otherwise youâll get sucked into the Vortex. Basically, letâs imagine youâre in the bathroom, brushing your teeth. You notice that the extra roll of toilet paper has been used. instead of thinking, âIâll get to that laterâ, and then forgetting about it until you sit down on the bog (no judgement, weâve all been there), you think âMight As Well put an extra roll while Iâm here!â This tends to help with the little tasks that build up over time. This Does Not Work for big tasks.
Leading on from no.2, Do It Immediately/ASAP really helps me too. My current boss will email me on a Friday and say, âdonât reply to this now! Leave it til monday!â But she and i both know that if i leave it til monday, I will forget and get stressed and this will make me Very Ill. So, instead, the moment i receive the email, Iâll either schedule in replying to it as soon as Iâm done with my current thing, OR Iâll reply to it immediately.
Anything that canât be actioned immediately, i mark as Unread. Anything Unread in my inbox is a future action, and i check those Unread emails/texts/whatevers Every. Day. To make sure whether today is the day i have the info to action it. (This also means i have to stay on top of my inbox. I read all my emails and then mark them accordingly. Iâm also brutal with unsubscribing)
The House Always Wins. Both in a literal sense, because i am in a constant battle with keeping my house clean, and i know now that Iâll never get it as clean as i want it. Itâs impossible, i no longer have the energy or stamina to vacuum and scrub everything. But also just in a life sense. Iâm never going to achieve things to perfection, and perfect is the opposite of done. And getting things done is that much more important when you have limited energy and strength. Accept that you often have to half-arse life in order to Full-Arse the few things that really matter to you.
Have multiples of everything, everywhere. I wear support gloves, so i need to have handcream at every sink and everywhere i sit down in the house. I try to keep it unobtrusive, but it means i donât have to trek upstairs just to moisturise my hands. Gum, phone chargers, pens and pencils, water bottles, hand sanitizer, whatever you need.
Work with people, even if itâs online. Body doubling actually works. Also Iâve found that if Iâm working on assignments, taking myself to a library or study area that isnât my bedroom helps so much.
Show off! Tell people on here or elsewhere in your life about the fact that youâve just written 100 words! Or that youâve cleaned the fridge and thatâs a really big deal for you. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small.
Basically, youâre aiming to reduce the mental load as much as possible. Wear the same types of clothes all the time to minimise the amount of laundry. Eat the same three lunches so decision fatigue doesnât take over.
All of this takes time to implement and it is cumulative, but i hope it helps. Reading the comments on this post, i finally understand why adhd is comorbid with so many other conditions. letâs take care of each other <3
For anybody looking for resources from someone dealing with actual ADHD, I have an incomplete but ever growing list of ADHD tips, tools, and suggestions on my website.
A lot of the pages on that site are adapted from my tumblr posts, for instance I'm adapting this post about car repair projects with ADHD into a guide on project management and completion with ADHD.
(Red links are stuff that I've got planned but haven't published for reasons that are probably clear to anyone looking for ADHD advice online)
