just a vamp with NPD

Vamp • 25yo • queer & trans • disabled • we're all Mad (and welcome) here

[thevampirenarc]

🖤 Hello and Welcome 🕸🔮

You can call me Vamp 🦇

I use xe/xem pronouns

I post about NPD and trauma recovery, and try to fight the misinformation and stigma cluster B folk face!

Posts Masterlist (#my posts)

The History of Narcissism

What is NPD? - Beyond the DSM

So You've Learned You Have NPD

NPD Splitting

The Fawn Response in NPD

NPD, Neglect & Self-Neglect

Relationships with NPD

It's Not Narcissistic Abuse

How Abuse is Systemic

You can also find bonus stuff under '#npd posting' and '#vamps thoughts on things' and resources I've reblogged under '#mental health resources' and '#npd resources'

This account is pro-recovery, anti-carceral and anti-sanist. I am here in solidarity with all clusters and all Mad and mentally ill folk 🫶🏻 we all deserve better

My DMs are closed (except to mutuals) but my asks are open! Ask anything you want, but please do not use my asks as a space to vent 🖤

Keep in mind that I am not a medical professional - I can offer you my thoughts and advice but I can't diagnose you or anyone you know, nor will I try to

You can also find me on Instagram

[its-venusite]

I think where many miss the mark on accepting those with stigmatising mental disorders is they're so focused on this idea only morally acceptable people deserve the dignity of their disability being accepted.

Even though I am a narcissist, I have come across other narcissists who I consider bad people that I would not like to be friends with. I am often told I am a "good narcissist" by egotypicals trying to affirm me, especially when I was in the early stages of accepting I have NPD and terrified about being viewed as a bad person. What I found comforting then—being told it's fine I'm a narcissist because I'm a good person—I now wish was being told narcissists who don't fit the egotypical definitions of goodness are still human.

A "bad narcissist" deserves treatment.

A "bad narcissist" deserves access to resources for their mental health.

A "bad narcissist" deserves their humanity.

People love to tell me "I support narcissists!—except the bad ones."

From this, I wonder what their support means. I wonder how much they care about mentally disabled people if they can pick and choose who they want to dignify as disabled and who they want to write off as scum.

Is it any different, I wonder, to misgendering a bad person because they just so happen to be trans? Do they not deserve the dignity of their identity for their actions?

Why is it any different for mental illness?

[thevampirenarc]

Is a diagnosis even worth it? I’ve talked things over with my therapist and gained clarity on my symptoms; I most definitely have most NPD traits (specifically covert with a side of schizoid, both overlap significantly). Now the issue is that it feels both enlightening and futile. Aside from DBT and ACT therapy I’m at a loss for what to do (even more so because it doesn’t feel like they help at all). Am I supposed to talk this over with my psychiatrist? Does it even matter?

I am not formally diagnosed, so I can't speak to the value of those, honestly. My therapist and psychologist have both taken "symptom-based" approaches over "diagnosis-based" ones, which is why I haven't been diagnosed. It is important to understand ourselves, how we think and function, why we think and function that way, etc. and having a diagnosis can definitely be enlightening and help give us a direction to explore and research further, but it isn't worth it to everyone. Sometimes a diagnosis is necessary to access certain resources, sometimes it results in things like medical and workplace discrimination...there are pros and cons, for sure.

Definitely do talk it over with your psych if the therapies you're doing aren't feeling helpful. Maybe it's the wrong approach, being taught/applied in a way that doesn't work for you, or the therapist isn't a good fit - maybe they're trying to do things with you that you aren't ready for, or a part of yourself is blocking the parts trying to progress (just speaking from experience!).

It does matter if you feel like what you're doing in therapy is pointless, unhelpful, or worthless. Ultimately, you're gonna end up resentful and likely to give up if you try to keep going with something that feels meaningless to you. There are so many ways to approach personal growth - there are bound to be new approaches or ways to change things that resonate better with you! Good luck, anon.

[thevampirenarc]

I think that I may be developing/have npd or a superiority complex, and I don't know what to do about it. I do fit the criteria and also have similar experiences to people diagnosed with npd. What gets me is this: If I actually have the disorder, what the hell should I do? I'm too scared to tell other people because I know that they'll judge me, make fun of me, etc. And no matter what I do, I can't actually stop myself from having the need to be better than everyone else because if I'm not better than everybody or the best, then I'm just worthless. All that I've been doing as of late is to just pretend that I don't feel like that. I can't see a psychologist, and I'm busy with studies, what do I do?

Hi anon! Thanks for sending this in. I think the first really important step for you will be understanding *why* you've developed NPD/a superiority complex. You can't properly find the solutions to a problem without knowing what the root of that problem is! /lh

I think you've already hinted at it in your question: somewhere in your brain is the deep-rooted belief that you are worthless if you are not the best. In many cases, our brains become what we need to survive, and our NPD traits, now or at some point, served to meet our needs so that we could continue surviving. Being worthless may have been unsurvivable for you, but striving for perfection and framing yourself as superior allowed you to keep going. Because it was necessary at some point, our brains will often still believe these feelings and behaviours are necessary, and it isn't as simple as "stop feeling like that". But! The good news is, brains can be rewired, retaught. They can learn and change if we help them to.

The bad news is that healing NPD doesn't have a quick and easy fix. It's totally possible without getting a psych or being open about your NPD, but it will take time and difficult emotional work, and is definitely easier with some form of support, be that a loved one or a therapist of some kind. If you can't get support from those places, know you have support from this community!

One of the really tricky but useful things is not enabling the NPD mindset if you're aiming to try and change it. At first, knowing I had NPD made it so much easier to excuse my own behaviour when I placed myself above others, mentally devalued and belittled them, felt overly entitled, etc., but that only reinforced those beliefs, and my goal is to change them. It is difficult but necessary to try to reason with the cognitive distortions and unhelpful mindsets: to realise all humans are equally valuable and deserving; that we are NOT worthless and our worth is NOT defined by outward achievements like beauty or academic success; that people are, generally, doing their best, even when their best is shit, and that having grace for others is pretty important if we want to live a life with some peace in it. And that validation can come from inside as well as outside.

In the long run, I would recommend something like shadow work, schema therapy, IFS therapy (which I am hoping to write a post on at some point soon!) or an NPD-specific workbook, but given that you're busy with studies, for right now I'd say start by noticing when you're exhibiting behaviours you want to change, noticing the patterns of what triggers them or what situations they show up in, and using that knowledge to try and shift those thought patterns when they appear. It's okay (necessary, even!) to feel angry, jealous, entitled, and so on sometimes, but it is well worth learning how to get ourselves through those times with compassion for ourselves and others, and teaching ourselves that our worth is an innate thing that failure or social rejection cannot take away from us.

Best of luck, anon. I am rooting for you!

[thevampirenarc]

hey, sorry if this is inappropriate you don’t need to answer,

but what was what it that made you think: “oh, there might be something about me that i need to reflect on a bit more?”

i have family members that were diagnosed (i say diagnosed but they quit going to their therapy sessions when it was first posed by the psychiatrist) with NPD, and they are very upset and in complete denial that they could have any kind of personality disorder.

i know it’s not unusual for a person with NPD to strongly reject or react strongly to something that makes them feel negatively about themselves, but it makes me curious about those who understand themselves and have been open to getting a diagnosis and exploring what that means.

was this something you figured out on your own, or were there external factors that lead you down this path of understanding? unfortunately i am not longer on speaking terms with the people i’m thinking of, but i still hope that one day they’ll be surrounded by people they care about, who they don’t inadvertently push away

This is an interesting question! No worries, I'm happy to answer. To be honest, I think I am sorta the stereotype since I didn't figure out I had NPD by myself, and I didn't accept it right away either. I denied it for a long while (several months up to a year, I don't remember the exact timeline) after it was brought up to me, although of course, I came to terms with it in time! I'll go into the circumstances in more detail below if you're interested.

By chance, I became friends with someone with BPD+NPD who ran a server for pwPDs, and they invited me to join their PD server so I could learn, which I was happy to accept since I've always been really interested in psychology and mental health.

Over time, this friend started to joke about "pwNPD feel like that" and "are you sure you don't have NPD?" as we became closer. I, of course, vehemently denied it. How could I possibly have NPD? I'm so kind and caring and humble and blah blah blah... (/lh). My friend very gently took me through the DSM-5 criteria and discussed the ways I met most of them (with my permission - I humoured them because I was curious). They sent me off to research it further myself, and I did. I related a lot to what I read, but I continued to deny I could actually have NPD. The idea terrified me...and it answered questions I'd had about myself (and been ignoring) for a long time. I knew that SO MANY THINGS made me feel intensely distressed, angry and afraid. I couldn't get close to people or be vulnerable, I got extremely jealous, had these impossibly high standards, I had to be the best (or the worst) in the room, et cetera...I knew I had these issues, but I didn't want to admit there was something wrong with me, and I didn't want to accept that the reason for it all was a personality disorder. I didn't want to feel like I was weak and broken. Still, as I made the connection between the emotional distress I experienced and NPD, I realised I did have NPD.

Unfortunately, I then had a big ego crash/breakdown and relapse and all of that - admitting something is wrong with you on that level is incredibly painful when your entire self-worth rests on being perfect. It felt like this massive backstep in my mental health journey, going from "doing well" (I thought) to this shattered ego and all the worst shame and self-loathing within me came oozing out. I ended up cutting the friend out of my life for "causing" my mental health decline. We have since spoken, and I have apologised, but at the time, I blamed them for opening my eyes to something I kinda didn't want to see.

In hindsight, I'm glad they did, because I wasn't gonna address the root of my problems on my own, and it was stopping me from healing. Now, several years later, I am working on recovery and doing a lot better, and have so much more knowledge and awareness - and have even made a couple of great friends from the Cluster B community.

I will say, I had been in and out of therapy for 5+ years before all this happened, mainly for anxiety and depression, and that meant I didn't have to deal with starting therapy for the first time on top of accepting having NPD. One less source of overwhelm. I think the people who never accept they have a problem and never work to address it...they're probably really afraid, though it's not an excuse if they're hurting people.

It sounds like you made the right choice cutting contact with those people, if they were unable to process the problems they had and were causing, though I too wish that one day they'll have the strength to step towards healing. And I hope you're doing well yourself 🖤

[npd-advice]

not asking for advice here, but i wanted to say

we're a system and a small streamer that's very open about having npd (online, at least)

we have lots of friends, several acquaintances, and we have two partners, and every single one of them is aware of us having npd

and all of them still value us, care about us, and love us deeply

for anyone who's not out, in denial, and/or in an unsupportive environment, i promise you that there are people out there who Will accept you, who Will care about you and want you around

even if it takes a while to find the people who will treat you as you deserve, there's always hope

people will want you as you are, and will help you be the best version of yourself

you deserve stability and support, and i know that you'll find that one day if you haven't already

Very important message! Thank you for taking the time to say so!

[thevampirenarc]

If you're on instagram and interested in npd recovery content, check out @/spirit.narc! She used to post npd content years ago, took a long hiatus, and is back now talking about her journey to remission. I've found her recent content really reassuring and wanted to share ^-^

[1234567865432345342343464-deact]

so, theres a severe lack of easy-to-access, helpful online resources for psychotic and schizospec disorders (google is literally useless wrt this for some reason), and i’m gonna attempt to remedy that. all of the resources below are resources i’ve personally found useful

firstly, i’ll tentatively drop a support group: i’ve personally been to hearing voices groups and have found them helpful with the particular empathy other psychotic people provide + the lack of pathologization, something i absolutely cannot get anywhere else. i suggest looking over their resource page, but i will note that for some psychotic people, especially people actively in a psychotic episode and experiencing significant delusions, this may not be helpful due to the inherent validation it provides! be careful in any case, and feel free to consume critical (1) perspectives on it as well.

also, forums can be nice. i suggest psych forums as well as schizophrenia forums (note: second is for both people with schizophrenia and caretakers/partners/families of people with schizophrenia, and the former has subcategories for every mental illness)

understanding psychosis: resources and recovery, very comprehensive but easy to read examination of psychotic symptoms and steps towards recovery. also has a helpful section on side effects of medication + considerations when deciding if medication is right for you

CBT for psychotic symptoms (consider going through this with a therapist, but it can be helpful alone too) + skip to appendix 2 (pg. 133) for worksheets

dealing with psychosis toolkit, self explanatory. consider looking at other things on earlypsychosis as well

what is schizoaffective disorder? (generally reliable information, i have a few issues with some of the wording though)

NAMI facts on schizophrenia and NIMH publications on psychosis

60 coping strategies for hallucinations

dealing with psychosis: full workbook, pretty self explanatory but very helpful and also relatively easy to read

now, for those without psychosis: how can you help people with schizospec/psychotic disorders?

the do’s and don’t’s of helping a family member (or friend!) in psychosis

helping someone with psychosis (tumblr post)

psychosis first aid guidelines for loved ones

dealing with unusual thoughts and behaviors factsheet

steps for working with delusions

if you’re a friend, family member, or at all close with someone with schizophrenia or psychosis i heavily encourage you to research as much as you can, and above all else listen to what schizophrenic and psychotic people say. if you ever find yourself in a situation where you don’t know what to do, it never hurts to ask the person in question how you can help them. 

book recommendations (with links):

understanding your schizophrenia illness

cbt for psychosis: a symptom based approach

psychosis, trauma and dissociation: emerging perspectives on severe psychopathology 

when the sun bursts: the enigma of schizophrenia (title sounds cheesy, is actually really good)

cognitive therapy for schizophrenia

living outside mental illness: qualitative studies of recovery in schizophrenia

trauma and psychosis: new directions for theory and therapy

schizoaffective disorders: international perspectives on understanding, intervention and rehabilitation

recovered, not cured: a journey through schizophrenia

note: the majority of these books aren’t very accessible as they’re meant for clinicians, but these are just books that i’ve found helpful in general

add anything else that’s been helpful for you accordingly! if you’re nonpsychotic feel free to reblog as well, as it could be helpful for any followers you might have that are psychotic 

[dragongirlteeth]

Some core principles I've been thinking about lately:

There are no ontologically evil people

People generally want to believe they are doing good

Under enough stress, anyone will act irrationally

When someone does something terrible, first try to look back and see "how did we get here"

[thevampirenarc]

So I'm currently doing IFS (internal family systems) therapy, and it provides a really interesting framework for understanding my various defence/survival mechanisms, how they interact, and what they're trying to protect me from, as well as how to address them and move towards healing. I'm pretty optimistic about this work helping me with how I handle things going forward! Would you folks be interested in hearing more about my experiences with IFS? 🦇

[peachdoxie]

There's a bunch of adhd advice out there that's like "people with adhd tend to work better under deadlines due to the anxiety so here are ways to artificially induce a stress response in order to get you to get work done" and it's like well what if I don't want to be stressed out all the time in order to function

[electrictopaper]

this gold shouldn't stay in the comments

[pannndora]

hey loves, I’ve been reading through the comments and loads of people are asking how to not fall into this pattern because that’s all they know. so, here’s some advice from Auntie Pan who’s been in the trenches (stress-caused disabilities and chronic illnesses).

context: grew up in an abusive, controlling home, escaped to uni, had a prolonged mental breakdown, became a teacher and worked in a dysfunctional school with amazing kids and nightmare management for years. I did not realise I have adhd and autism for a long time. (You might even be able to scroll back through this blog to find the time around which I did realise lol.)

ANYWAY, things that have helped me because my body can no longer handle any kind of stress without flaring up:

If you’re doing anything that requires you to do a lot of prep before you begin the actual thing (e.g. cooking, deep cleaning a room, moving house), mise en place. That’s a fancy french way of saying get everything ready before you begin. So if I’m cooking idk spaghetti carbonara, that means fry and chop the bacon, separate the egg yolks from the whites, put water in the kettle, put dry spaghetti into a pan. Once everything’s ready, it reduces the mental load and means I can focus on the actual cooking and any clean up that I can do along the way. H/t to @ms-demeanor for this, you changed my life!

the Might As Well rule. This one works really well for me but you gotta be careful otherwise you’ll get sucked into the Vortex. Basically, let’s imagine you’re in the bathroom, brushing your teeth. You notice that the extra roll of toilet paper has been used. instead of thinking, “I’ll get to that later”, and then forgetting about it until you sit down on the bog (no judgement, we’ve all been there), you think “Might As Well put an extra roll while I’m here!” This tends to help with the little tasks that build up over time. This Does Not Work for big tasks.

Leading on from no.2, Do It Immediately/ASAP really helps me too. My current boss will email me on a Friday and say, ‘don’t reply to this now! Leave it til monday!’ But she and i both know that if i leave it til monday, I will forget and get stressed and this will make me Very Ill. So, instead, the moment i receive the email, I’ll either schedule in replying to it as soon as I’m done with my current thing, OR I’ll reply to it immediately.

Anything that can’t be actioned immediately, i mark as Unread. Anything Unread in my inbox is a future action, and i check those Unread emails/texts/whatevers Every. Day. To make sure whether today is the day i have the info to action it. (This also means i have to stay on top of my inbox. I read all my emails and then mark them accordingly. I’m also brutal with unsubscribing)

The House Always Wins. Both in a literal sense, because i am in a constant battle with keeping my house clean, and i know now that I’ll never get it as clean as i want it. It’s impossible, i no longer have the energy or stamina to vacuum and scrub everything. But also just in a life sense. I’m never going to achieve things to perfection, and perfect is the opposite of done. And getting things done is that much more important when you have limited energy and strength. Accept that you often have to half-arse life in order to Full-Arse the few things that really matter to you.

Have multiples of everything, everywhere. I wear support gloves, so i need to have handcream at every sink and everywhere i sit down in the house. I try to keep it unobtrusive, but it means i don’t have to trek upstairs just to moisturise my hands. Gum, phone chargers, pens and pencils, water bottles, hand sanitizer, whatever you need.

Work with people, even if it’s online. Body doubling actually works. Also I’ve found that if I’m working on assignments, taking myself to a library or study area that isn’t my bedroom helps so much.

Show off! Tell people on here or elsewhere in your life about the fact that you’ve just written 100 words! Or that you’ve cleaned the fridge and that’s a really big deal for you. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small.

Basically, you’re aiming to reduce the mental load as much as possible. Wear the same types of clothes all the time to minimise the amount of laundry. Eat the same three lunches so decision fatigue doesn’t take over.

All of this takes time to implement and it is cumulative, but i hope it helps. Reading the comments on this post, i finally understand why adhd is comorbid with so many other conditions. let’s take care of each other <3

[ms-demeanor]

I'm so glad to hear that helped you!

For anybody looking for resources from someone dealing with actual ADHD, I have an incomplete but ever growing list of ADHD tips, tools, and suggestions on my website.

A lot of the pages on that site are adapted from my tumblr posts, for instance I'm adapting this post about car repair projects with ADHD into a guide on project management and completion with ADHD.

(Red links are stuff that I've got planned but haven't published for reasons that are probably clear to anyone looking for ADHD advice online)

[egotripenigma]

I’ll also add that ways I use to handle avoiding going into devaluation/ rage/ burnout/ hypersensitivity as a narcissist are

- Taking my time. I don’t need to give a text back or provide an answer if I’m not ready, or push myself too far to stress. Yes obviously I think of myself as important so I am going to treat myself as important.

-Thoughts don’t hurt people. I can think as much as I want about someone as long as I don’t hurt or say anything I’m urging to (I’ve used this as a masking technique for years).

-Avoiding romantic relationships. While I yearn for the idea of a woman, I am unable to create that emotional connection with another person in that level without using them as supply. I’ll need a therapist for that, which I can’t afford.

-Avoid taking everything to heart. It is very hard to not do this because either I’ll get a cracking feeling of hurt in my heart or I’ll get a hot burning sensation in my gut of anger, which both emotions can be hard to control if they burst. I choose to instead focus on wellness and accepting the emotions while also talking myself out of it. (This simultaneously heals my grandiose feelings and prevents me from becoming cold).

These are all I can think of for now, I hope this guide becomes useful to someone who is on path for remission/getting better.

[thevampirenarc]

The parallels between the way society treats people with low/no empathy and people on the aro/ace spectrums. Am I onto something here

Empathy and attraction are both treated like inherent and essential parts of the human experience, and people who lack them are viewed as unfeeling, inhuman, or defective in some way.

Empathy and attraction are seen as the literal sole reason someone would engage in certain acts (helping others, dating, having sex). Allos and persotypicals often act like because THEIR motivation to do those things comes from their experiences of empathy/attraction, those are the ONLY POSSIBLE motivations, and thus anyone who lacks those feelings should not only be incapable of but entirely disinterested in those actions.

Which is frustrating because there are plenty of reasons why someone with no empathy might choose kind and helpful behaviours, or why an aroace person might choose to date or have sex. Other people just don't realise it because their motivation is the typical one, so they never have to look any deeper into it.

And of course, it's fine if someone with low empathy doesn't want to help another or someone without romantic/sexual attraction doesn't want to engage in those relationships; those choices shouldn't be forced on anyone and it doesn't make anyone less human or less deserving of basic respect. But I also think we shouldn't make assumptions about a person's choices based on the feelings they do or don't experience (and vice versa).

Anyway, this post is brought to you by aspec-persodivergent solidarity 🖤

[redtail-lol]

This is true, however you forgot the other really important part, which is that for pw low/no empathy and sex favorable aces, romance favorable aros, and other _-favorable aspecs, our other potential motivators are treated as selfish and demonized, even if those ulterior motives do not come at the expense of the other person. It's only seen as "okay" if we do it selflessly. Being kind and helpful to people so they will like you and be kind to you in return is treated as an impure reason, even though it's no more selfish than being kind because your brain will give you reward chemicals if you do and make you sad if you don't due to somatic empathy. You might be given a pass if you only do it because it's the right thing to do, but you're not allowed to seek a reward or purpose for yourself. Having sex because you enjoy it even without attraction is treated as "using" your partner, even though having sex because you're attracted to someone is not somehow more pure or less self-interested than doing it for pleasure. It's more okay if you don't want to do it, but do it anyway for your partner, but how dare you like it. You better not like it. Having a relationship because you want one is seen as really cruel to a partner, even though alloromantics also want one, just with targeted attraction, and romance favorable aros still care about their partners. You might get a pass for agreeing to it because someone else likes you, but maybe not even then. Aplatonics having friendships would not blow over well either. It's like in all of these instances, allos and persotypicals are allowed to be motivated by things that are actually more focused on themselves and their feelings than they're willing to admit, they're allowed to get something out of being kind to people and having sex/a relationship/friends/etc because they feel the right feelings, but aspecs and pw empathy deficits are not allowed to get anything out of it because *our* motivations, which are exactly as self serving as theirs, and don't result in any harm towards anyone else, are somehow more selfish and morally wrong. But also not doing those things is also seen as morally wrong, so we must do so selflessly, I guess as repentance for feeling things "wrong."

[thevampirenarc]

"they're allowed to...because they feel the right feelings" is the crux of it, isn't it? One has to behave a certain way, based in specific feelings and motivations, and if you do it with the "wrong" motivations or don't do it at all, you're demonised. Is this ableism? It feels like ableism.

[narc-rants]

NPD attraction types

Since there are so many other attraction terms, we’ve decided that there need to be versions that are unique to NPD!

Efodian Attraction - a form of attraction that someone with NPD or traits feels towards someone whom they get/want supply from. This attraction is not abusive and can easily mimic other forms of attraction, such as romantic, sexual or platonic. In some cases, this can also be considered a subtype of pseudo- attraction

NAME

• taken from the Greek word for “supply”

FLAG

• Dark Pink-Red and Orange: mimicking romantic and sexual attraction

• Yellow: supply being filled

Temian Attraction - a form of attraction that someone with NPD or traits feels towards someone they look down on, but still enjoy. It may feel like looking down on a pet that you find silly or stupid, but with amusement and affection

NAME

• taken from the Old English word for “to tame”

FLAG

• Dark Pink: feelings of dominance and ownership

• Brown: representative of animals who are pets

Archon Attraction - a form of attraction that someone with NPD or traits feels towards someone whom they want to “rule with”. This kind of attraction is most similar to the terms equal person/chosen person, and feels like a bond with someone whom they consider above all other people and treat as an equal

NAME

• taken from the Greek word for “ruler”

FLAG

• Gold: crowns and grandiosity

• Red: rubies and feelings of superiority

Zelian Attraction - a form of attraction that someone with NPD or traits feels towards someone whom they have a jealous loathing towards. This attraction may feel like being jealous of or hating someone, but also wanting them to notice you. Zelian attraction may stem from being rejected by or feeling competitive with someone

NAME

• taken from the name Zelus, the Greek god of jealousy and competition

FLAG

• Dark Red: rage, hatred, passion

• Green: hidden jealousy

[thevampirenarc]

Someone in an online space I'm in is pissing me off, so I've come here to say no matter what you've done (and I mean no matter what), you're not evil and I care about your wellbeing.

I do not believe in pure evil. I have befriended, known of, spoken to, and read about people who have had histories with being violent, abusive, exploitative, et cetera, and I have yet to come across anyone who was truly evil. Underneath every seemingly bad intention was a genuine reason, unmet needs, conditioning, lacked skills. And every person behind those acts or urges is human, worthy of basic respect, capable of growth.

I will never advocate for involuntary incarceration or sedation, and certainly not as the default response. I will never advocate for any act of aggression or cruelty to be met with cruelty tenfold, to be greeted with drawn weapons and raised voices. I will never advocate for perpetrators to have their human rights stripped away or to be experimented on or killed. Nah. It doesn't matter what you've done; you're a living being (or even if you're not /lh) and I believe in better for you.

It should go without saying but this is tumblr (/aff) so I will add that I am not excusing, condoning or encouraging harmful behaviour and I do not expect victims to extend grace or forgiveness to those who have harmed them. I simply don't think it makes a person evil or irredeemable.

[theslenderversesystem]

I recently watched a video by Heal NPD about why narcissists feel empty. It took me into a different route I was expecting.

I never fully understood why I was empty, however, that video explained what's going on exactly. It also talked about why narcissists objectify themselves. It's hard for them to view themselves as people as they typically, during childhood, they thrived for someone. We were neglected but also praised. Which, on the outside would say that we should've not had NPD, but we do. The neglect taught us our emotions weren't inheritently cared for, same with physical being at times. The praise and no criticism taught us that we had to earn attention and recognition.

That's also part of the reason individuals with NPD are empty. They spent their life being someone else for others to gain attention and recognization. Children during childhood use a mechanism called self-obiectives (I cannot remember the exact term) where experiences teach them who they are and is an important part in forming feeling like a self. While in NPD, there was less of this persay and the individual feels like they're only important if they do certain things and other things are pushed away. It can be small things too that build up over time.

Individuals with NPD never found themselves, or also referred to as their authentic self because they weren't given the 'right' self-objectives as a child which in return, makee pwnpd still use self-objectives which is why pwnpd rely on others for their self-worth.

In that same video, he told the viewers specifically to look inwards to see if there is anything. If it's nothing, that's fine. He also stated to try to feel any emotions tied to it. It'll likely be negative, and that's okay. It's still authentic feelings. There will be more authentic feelings, positive, in the future.

That video has changed my view on why we're empty. We aren't empty just because, we're empty as a result of the neglect and praise collided into how to get attention and recognition and that being outside of norms meant we weren't right

[ghostfacetheballfondler]

by the way. telling people to not use ableist language isn't silencing abuse victims or taking away their language.

narcissist abuse is just emotional abuse but with an ableist coat on it. i don't care if people don't think emotional abuse counts as real abuse, why not advocate for seeing emotional abuse as valid abuse instead? you are just playing into the "emotional abuse isn't real" crowd by saying narcissistic abuse instead.

and if you are advocating for narcissistic abuse to mean abuse at the hands of a narcissist and/or someone with npd(instead of it being a synonym for emotional abuse), then my question is why do we need a word for this? and there is no unique or special way for people with narcissists or pwnpd to abuse someone. because woah! would you look at that? it is just emotional abuse.

we live in a shitty ableist world which will use any excuse to harm those with mental disorders. i don't care if someone has the best intentions, i don't care if someone genuinely doesn't mean to implicate pwnpd when they talk about narcissistic abuse, it will still hurt us, so get over yourself and fucking stop.

and before the "narcissist doesn't equal npd!!" crowd comes in, i don't care about your language games, fuck off. but even if we accept that statement as true, people with npd will still get harmed by such language. npd and narcissism are and will always be linked to eachother. if you talk about the evils of narcissism, people will connect it with npd.

even if we change the name of npd it won't help. dissociative identity disorder is still widely known as multiple personality disorder. antisocial personality disorder is still widely known as socio/psychopathy. why would npd be any different?

(and idk. i think it is kinda shitty to be like "hey let's change the name of a disorder because i am too stubborn to say selfish instead of narcissist!!")

edit: if this wasn't clear, stop saying narcissistic abuse because it hurts pwnpd! you already have plain ol' abuse, emotional abuse, hell, even selfish abuse too! telling someone to stop saying narcissistic abuse isn't silencing anyone from talking about your abuse when you can literally just change one word and be fine! holy shit