Gently Panicking

We're all panicking a little bit, right?

[gentlypanickingstudios]

On a completely unrelated note; I asked a guy friend from school to go get coffee with me this Sunday (keep in mind here that I am very much gay and have been completely open about it) and his mind immediately went to thinking that I was asking him out on a date.... I mean I get it and I was anticipating one of us to freak out about this. I’m just glad it a.) wasn’t me who freaked out and b.) was relatively painless to resolve (at least for me)

Anyway, not only did he freak out about it but so did another guy that we both know. This other guy texted me asking what was going on and my response was “don’t worry I’m not trying to steal your boyfriend. It’s just coffee. I’ll have him home in an hour or two.” 

Long story short the other guy didn’t deny the boyfriend comment and I’m sitting over here laughing my ass off waiting until they realize that I’m being dead serious about shipping them together. 

[gentlypanickingstudios]

Posting here is kind of like screaming into the void- and I love it. Maybe people are listening and maybe they’re not. It doesn’t have to matter. I’ve been practicing letting go and just letting things be. It’s really hard because I have some extreme control issues but I’m making progress every day and it feels SO good. 

[gentlypanickingstudios]

Is anybody else just baffled by how much time there is in a day? 

My entire life I’ve had people around me that just drained me completely, all I had the energy to do was sit around watching TV even though there was so much I wanted to accomplish. Now I’ve cut out those people and I’m feeling insanely good. The thing is, I’m now at a loss for what to do with all the extra time I have. The days are no longer blurring together and I can make conscious decisions about what I want to do with my life. About who I want to be. Guess it’s time to start figuring out who that person is.   

[gentlypanickingstudios]

I did something a little crazy a few days ago. The Denver Post is looking for teen writers to write an opinion column about some of the major issues going on right now, and I submitted one on the day it was due. I haven’t heard back yet but the fact that I submitted something is a win in itself. Writing is a passion that I didn’t know I had, and I’m proud of my voice as a writer. I have a long way to go but I’m excited to see where it takes me. 

[gentlypanickingstudios]

Growth

About five months ago I decided that I wanted to paint my room, and one of the main reasons was because I wanted to cover up a tree that I had previously painted on one of my walls. The tree didn’t have any leaves and was a very dark brown. I thought that the reason I wanted to paint it was just because drawing creepy trees is actually kinda fun, but now I realize it was a direct comment on my mental health at the time. When I draw it tends to be a direct reflection of my emotions and that dark twisty tree was exactly how I had been feeling. Lost, confused, and scared, so I covered it up with a rose. That space no longer screams death and despair and I am so much happier with it. Now it reflects my feelings of happiness, of content, and who I am as a person changing for the better. The impact our surroundings have on us is huge, having something that means so much to me constantly there comforting me has helped so much when things start to feel fuzzy again. People don’t realize that their surroundings are directly correlated with their mental health and finding ways that improve how you feel about your space will change how you view everything else. It’s not easy, change is not a fun process at all, but in the end I hope you find everything that you are looking for.

[gentlypanickingstudios]

Vulnerability

This year is my second year on my high school drumline. Last year I was dating someone who was on the bassline with me, and I blocked out the other people around me. I’ve never been a social person but when I get into relationships I become fixated and I forget that there are others in my life that care about me. Now that I’ve gotten some space and I’m becoming my own person again I’m learning to deepen my connections with people. I’m being more open and vulnerable with those around me and it’s kind of terrifying. Those on the drumline especially, I’m talking more and finding out what I have in common with them outside of drumming. The other day I found out that one of the snares recently watched Avatar the Last Airbender and the Legend of Korra, which made me really happy as those are my childhood shows. Anyway the point is, if you find yourself hiding from the people in your life, take the time to figure out why. There are more people that care about you than you think and you could be missing out on a really important friendship.

[gentlypanickingstudios]

Self Care

Self care is something that lot of people struggle with. We get so absorbed in our daily lives that we forget that the most important person in our lives is us. As an introvert one of the biggest things I can do for myself is to find time to turn off my phone and just be alone. Once I got my phone I was plugged in constantly, and I didn’t realize just how much it drained me until the beginning of the summer when I broke up with my girlfriend. I took a month off of my phone to recuperate and it was one of the best things that I could have done for myself. I know that it’s hard to make time to figure out ways to care for yourself, but it’s worth it to try. You are worth it. Self care looks different for everyone and you are worth figuring out what it looks like for you.

[gentlypanickingstudios]

Recently I've been realizing that I don't really have all that much to me. I'm a musician, I'm part of the LGBTQ community, but what else is there? Over the past couple of years I've lost a lot of who I am, I put too much time and energy into other people instead of investing it in myself. Now that I'm changing that, I'm closing the door on the person that I used to be and that is absolutely terrifying. It also hurts like crazy, why hasn't anyone told me that starting over is this hard? I'm currently grieving for the person that I used to be, but I'm excited to leave them behind and start figuring out more of who I am now. I'm a blank canvas right now and going forward I can add whatever I want. There is one thing that I know that I want, something to add to that canvas. I want to start building this page as a safe space for people, a place where they won't be judged or ridiculed, a place where they can be themselves. I have a lot to say, a lot that I think the world needs to hear, and I'm going to start saying it. My voice is worth listening to, and so is yours.