There are many things I wish I’d forget but they always come back to me.
I remember on a car ride home, I kept so quiet throughout the journey and you asked me what’s on my mind. I told you that I was tired but the truth is, I don’t want to hear you yell at me or getting mad at things I said that you didn’t agree with. I was barely 7 then and I got so good at shutting you out. I learned to keep my thoughts to myself and decided to never let you in.
Oh the year before I got into elementary school is another gold. It was the first time I felt unhappy with learning and it’s also the time I knew how salty my tears tasted. I would cry everyday because of you being extra encouraging with me as I had trouble constructing sentences or when I couldn’t figure out mathematics questions. I’d never forget how bad you made me feel about myself when you pushed my head with your finger and tell me that I’m so stupid. Until today. I’m still having a hard time believing that I’m actually smart and is capable of doing things right.
Growing up, I was never the skinny girl that you hoped for me to become. You controlled my food intake, constantly belittling me just because I wasn’t skinny. You also thought that starving me was probably the fastest option for me to become skinny but little did you know that I started to binge on food when you wasn’t looking or whenever you’re away from me. Food was like illegal drugs back then. As sneaky as it sounds, I can only enjoy food behind your back and never let you catch me. The most common word of advise or in your terms of encouragement from are, ‘you’ll never find a boyfriend’, ‘you’ll never fit into any nice dresses or skirts because you can never find your sizes around here.’ & ‘You’ll never find a job because employees would discriminate you, nobody wants to hire a fat-so.’
In my late teens, I fell in love with makeup. I saw it as a way as a form of expression. I wanted to be creative and experiment on different looks but you told me I look like whore. You always say the meanest things targeting my looks or body. If there’s one single thing that you’re excellent in, it is to make me feel like a total garbage.
You never really made me feel like I was home. When I turned 21, you told me that I could finally have my freedom but you locked me out one night just because I didn’t return home by 12AM. During my years of growing up, it had always been “YOUR HOUSE” which I am to obey your house rules. I love how you complain about me not helping out around the house, I wonder if dishes miraculously disappear from the sink or if the trash would walk itself out of the house.
On Mother’s Day last year, you asked me why I’ve never dedicated a post to you on my social media web, I told you that I’m not very good at expressing my words. The truth is, I was trying to recount a time where you were not yelling at me or calling me names. Honestly, I couldn’t think of any! But if this is what you want then this post is for you.
Mother, you always thought that you know me well enough but there are just too many things you don’t know about me. If having me wasn’t your choice then you should have never given birth to me, I never asked to be born. As much as you wished you can choose who to be your child, you can’t (the same goes for me). We’re stuck as mother-daughter in this lifetime which I pray everyday that if there is after-life I hope we never meet again. You were so harsh on me, Mother. I have such low self esteem and self-confidence. Everyday I’m still trying so hard to convince myself that I am so much more than what you say that I am. I should be numb by now but whenever it gets to me, I know it’s my fault that I let myself temporary believe that what you called me was true.
Thank you Mother, for showing me all the ‘no-nos’ when raising a child. All the things I would never be and say that to my future child. By writing this, I hope for it gathers strength to everyone who has abusive parents (physical or verbal) to be strong! Your parents probably didn’t have enough knowledge on how to raise a child but if you’re going to have kids on your own, don’t make the same mistakes for the next generation.
