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Isn’t that all we want, to find a way for our hearts to beat a little bit faster?

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Why I did this

I need to know something different than New York City. I was scared to leave. I’m still scared that I did. It breaks my heart. I left the place that made me feel full, and complete. It was home. There were times when I lost myself and found myself. I loved the city during covid; when I knew it was just me and the people who truly loved it and wouldn’t let it fall. But I also learned there were a lot of parts of the city I didn’t like; the constant need to get out, the pressure to keep doing something. But to be honest, that’s also who I am. I see that and know that’s why I belong there. I never want to live the same day twice; to see the same faces, or lack of faces. I love the freedom to have everything I need so accessible. It was perfect. The East Village was perfect. So here I am, forcing myself into discomfort and dissatisfaction to see if any of it was real. To figure out where I can go next. I need to see the world. I need to experience something other than New York City, even though I know it makes me happy. I need to give other places a chance. I need to learn to adapt. I need to get out of my comfort zone. I need to know that I’ll be okay. A little pain can go a long way. I can’t become complacent. “I refuse to live in apathy.” I need to step out of the rhythm. I’ll be okay. I need to give myself time. I need to grow and know that I’ll become a better person by doing that. I can’t stay somewhere for love. Love can’t be in a place, love has to be in a person. Love can’t be convenient.

So I’m testing myself. I’m testing everything I know, in one of the least riskiest ways possible. And it still sucks. I can’t go back to be with him. I’m going to grow. I’m going to be okay.