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I'm feeling unresolved desires telling me to act but I'm uninspired and I'm tired of throwing lines in all directions. I guess I'm needing structure or escape. Both sound great but the consequence of each contradict the other. It’s all about choices and analyzing each makes no difference when I already know how I feel. I just want to escape the responsibility I have to myself... unless I can act in a way that everyone maintains their integrity. Speaking in a less roundabout way... how do I leave her?

I don’t know how to process what is happening to me right now. I want to feel so much but I don’t know what is more damaging or otherwise healthy. I guess repression is my answer until I can sort through this more in my head. My life is going to get substantially more complicated and burdensome and it seems out of my control at the moment. I don’t know what to do except brace for impending doom. Thinking that was doesn’t make me feel better. I’m scared if I let my uncertain feelings over this rampant I won’t be able to gain control. I’m controlling myself as a way to control something? At the same time I’m just in disbelief and completely ignorant to the consequences these actions have now set in motion. That’s the scariest part. How scared should I be? Repression and ignorance is all I’m capable of recognizing in myself. I’m already helping myself though. I went to yoga today. I went for a drive with Jennie. Now I’m writing. I’m hating on my father more so than myself which is a change of pace... I’m learning, hopefully the cost will work itself out.

aboonoor

Feeling tired and unmotivated. Jennie and I almost broke up this morning and the arguing lasted about 3 hours. When we reconciled we got food and ate while watching YouTube videos. Then we got high and I feel like I decided today is over. Maybe I can try more tomorrow. I looked over to my desk right now and noticed how dirty my room is. The mess is decreasing the odds of me sitting down and actually studying. I need to set a schedule for myself to do homework. Or at least get a better motivational thought that will remind me of why I’m in school. Jennie got real with me and I feel like an asshole. She said I’m the type of person who offers help but doesn’t actually want to give it. She only loves me and does so unconditionally and I hurt her feelings. “Staying with you is like a a million paper cuts but leaving would be blunt force trauma” is how she put it. After telling me I was greedy, I looked up how to not be greedy which she then told me was stupid because I need to learn to solve my problems in my head. I can’t only rely on the thinking processes of the first dude who seems to have made a logical point. This actually all started when I questioned my greediness, I asked, “what if at some level I equally don’t care about anyone?” She got mad. I feel like a psycho sometimes. I was looking at her and I know I love her. Why do I say stupid shit all the time? I’m always focused on self growth and I’m still the fucking Grinch. This left me with more self hatred. I’m noticing that I’m feeling low. I feel bad for hurting her and I’m trying to pinpoint where I go wrong. What thoughts do I have that make me that way? I can be lazy, self-serving, greedy, without tact, and inconsiderate of others feelings to an obliviously ridiculous degree. It’s not okay, repression isn’t helping me deal with this, fucking duh. How do I acknowledge my flaws without enducing a dramatic downward spiral of self hatred? How am I supposed to bring negative thoughts to light when I’m terrified of hurting people and knowing the full extent of my antisocial attitudes? I should be generous because I want to give not because I’m scared. It seems so fake and I hate it because I don’t feel I’m such a horrible person. All my repressed feelings inevitably spill out with a backhanded comment or burst of passive aggression. My Lilith is in Gemini and that means my biggest obtacle in life is merging my dual personalities. Seems like I try so hard to be a good person but I don’t Holly would tell me to take life one step at a time and let life teach me as each moment comes. Use your mistakes as building blocks for the next step to your elevated self. I feel so exhausted. Maybe the medication will help me with clearing my thoughts. I should meditate tonight actually... I could be a good person with certain bad personality traits that I can work on. I just need to work hard for my relationship. I don’t know what that means so 🤷🏻‍♀️

How do I tell people, “Hey it’s not you it’s just me being too self-absorbed to give you any attention right now.”

If my sense of self-worth doesn’t come from productivity levels then where the hell does that come from. To what extent do I do for others and then do for myself. I feel I fall into the trap of egocentric empathy. Where’s the balance between the narcissist and codependent? The power roles need to end.

My codependency feels very misused. What job out there requires a need for meticulous knowledge. I want it all... child development satisfies my need to piece together part of my past in understanding all the unknown cognitive barrier I have towards control of my self. When I let go of all control I spiraled out in lies and an inability to separate my feelings from another person. I grew very depressed. Now as I recognize my faults I have little know-how in expressing my needs and opinions. I’m scared to try. The pendulum swung to anxiety with little to no depression expressed. Depression pops up when I accept anxiety’s processing of negative thoughts though. “I am allowed to change previously expressed thoughts as an adaptable ad growing human.”

One of the prime examples of my identity crisis is my inability to say I’m bisexual. It dishonors the relationships I’ve had with men as if I didn’t care for them. I need to breathe. I don’t want to go down that headspace. Access your wise mind bitch. My question, when do I exert compassion and when do I not? I at times feel apathetic to others suffering or troubles. I am a compulsive liar with the best intentions unless my extremely reactive sense of boundaries (due to a piece of information I don’t know how to process) are threatened and I shift to self protection mode and will do anything to annihilate the threat. (Anxiety). I don’t have the best intentions for you how can I admit that I’m only looking out for myself. How do I find genuine joy with someone while my only focus is my safety. Is the wo rld really that threatening? I don’t want to be labeled as pseudo-intellectual. I want to be authentic in my expression. “I accept who I am while acknowledging my room for growth.”

Val just helped me figure out my survival mechanism!!!! Being a chameleon throughout high school. I had so many friends in all different friend groups. But that was inauthentic. Now I’m trying to be myself and the transition is awkward. I’ll be fine. Social anxiety is nothing to be scared of.

Boundaries and control

In high school “Letting it out” was a series of endless monologues that never resulted in any immediate gratification. My depression was overpowering and all-consuming equipped with an excuse and reason against any positive input. However, now it’s incredibly helpful. After a small breakdown yesterday I was able to quickly recollect myself and understand my own irrational thinking pattern. I emerged with more understanding of myself and how to handle my situation. I’m summing this up to a greater sense of emotional maturity. This being a culmination of coping skills, a strong sense of my own boundaries, and an ability to let go of the control I believed I needed in such an emotionally sensitive situation. My issues with my cousin weren’t solved by a magical understanding of her but of myself and the intricate patterns within my conscious thoughts and subconscious self. I was crying feeling like I had no power in helping my cousin. But it’s not my job to solve her problems. Jennie said, “The only thing you messed up was forgetting to put yourself first” and that’s the simplest version of my path to further enlightenment (from this point). My powers are adaptation, rational thought, and a deep understanding of the Absurd human condition.

#boundaries #self-reflection #control #growth

I tried imagining myself reacting perfectly fine to the scenario of Jennie breaking up with me. I’d turn in an inhuman smile and just say, “well, what can I say, I understand that love is a risk and as a stoic I must accept this as a potential fact of life and move on. Thank you for your time.” But then I realized I was very anxious at that potential right now. So that means that I have an emotional stake in this. What does this feeling represent though?

Do you think there are a natural feminine and masculine nature? Femininity is very important to me. Why? because I feel the struggle that women go through. Not taken seriously. Judge a person by the content of their character, not their race, gender, sexuality... Thank you, Mr. King. Biology is involved in everything... One person may have genes for slow metabolism, genes for longer legs. Longer legs and a taller height are better for basketball but you don't go yelling at the slightly shorter people who aren't playing and saying they’re lesser. I’m missing something. gender is just one dimension, why so important? What constitutes worth greater than another? Who are you to assign? Some then attribute it to God. It's just that there are enough numbers here. Any man could fall into a group of people telling sexist jokes or claiming God said so! with the internet, it reverberates worldwide. Even people outside of your self agree, how could you not lean into your gut feelings? What do they lack? Typing feels like I’m throwing out my thoughts into a void. I need to learn to give myself feedback. I need more friends in my brain. Is Alex a symbol in my life for developing patience? realizing the comedy of human perspective... when do I cross the line into hypocrisy? I’m thinking of what Ernest told me. How shiny do you want your tombstone? What matters?

What to talk about in therapy tomorrow. Well, lately I have been more anxious. I’m hyperaware of my actions and proceed to overthink every minuscule detail. I try to tell myself that I’m creating these harmful thoughts. That I don’t need to hurt myself this way. Also, a majority of the time I overthink the wrong things. Like, if I made an incorrect inflection in my voice towards a coworker. I can use my overthinking for other things. I think I am authentic and genuine because I don’t intentionally try to manipulate others, function through ulterior motives, or try to present a false persona. I thought I was inauthentic because I don’t always express myself when I want to. However, that has more to do with a lack of true self-confidence, fear of being misunderstood, and ignorance. I don’t know myself fully yet. How can I express what I don’t know? Lastly, Jennie and I got into an argument. I feel proud of myself because I was able to talk with myself and try to understand and put aside my irritation and wounded ego. She feels things I don’t understand but they’re authentic and deserve to be listened to. I feel good about that but, at the same time, I’m realizing that I don’t trust Jennie. I’m always on the defensive with her and I assume, even when she’s just joking, that she’s passive-aggressively throwing slights at me. More often than not she’s not being serious but it’s hard to tell, it's hard to pick and choose certain battles. I feel if I don’t quell signs of resentment from her early on I won’t have time-evidenced credibility in future arguments over the same matter.

Paralyzed. by my own inability to stop escaping responsibility.

What to do when you begin to fall off the horse. There’s a blurry moment between wanting to be productive and acting out nonproductivity. That moment we decided we will not complete a desired task. I feel that’s an area to place hard focus, in terms of defining strategy.

While looking for ingredients

#dailylife #pattern #deepcolor #smoothandsoft

At work

#dailylife #peace #hearthugging

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