one of the more valuable things Iâve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have.Â
no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation.Â
no, your brother didnât realize his music was that loud while you were studying.Â
no, your bff or S.O. doesnât remember that youâre on a tight deadline right now.
no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now. Â
a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weightâŠ.itâs all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age.Â
Hereâs the thing: most people donât do that. Iâm not saying everyone else is oblivious, Iâm saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse.Â
I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether itâs really there or just me over-reading things that actually donât mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weightâŠthatâs toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships.Â
The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery.Â
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