STE-FuNNy

Welcome to my mind--> fear life not death; you make memories with one; thy other one your in an abyss.

[ghostbbii]

HATE DAT GROWS

i want to talk about this hate that's been growing deep inside of me. it wasn't there before until i had my son and the betrayal then took placed.

despise the fact we spoken on it; it never was meant to really happen, it wasn't your decision but mines. and you went behind my back, to tell his father that i gave birth. you thought that a bby was going to change that man mind and i kept telling you its wasnt..

i feel like you was miserable in the position you put yourself in and i had to join in the parade with you because you lowkey didnt want to be alone walking through that. the positive shit you thought was going to happen just because i was carrying his kid didnt mean shit to him. i knew it and you just blinded by your own belief that you fooled me into thinking that hope and faith would change him. but this man colors really came out more as our son got older. yet his colors continue to bleed out, got me looking at myself like how foolish was i. now with everything that he is putting me through has made me grow hate towards our friendship.

a lesson in life that had to be learned the hard way. now im just accepting it for what it is. moving forward one step at a time. i hope to one day to forgive you but i have to eat this L.

[ghostbbii]

Is it wrong for one to feel safe in a others presence or arms?

[ghostbbii]

where to start pt2

more into depth for the first part.

what made things hard for me was the fact that i was not over my son father. we got so close at least i thought we did after 6 yrs of us dealing with each other. of course he was doing his bs and when i finally wasn't beat no more and walked away from him. 3 months from making my choice of leaving him i end up in the hospital 3 months pregnant lmao. how crazy is or was that. i couldn't deal with my heart break or the chance to grief the end of our relationship. anyway

so back in Jan 24/25th i was in a car accident while pregnant. kid was not paying attention and rammed into my car. causing me to break my right ankle. i was in and out of the hospital that week. Feb 1st i had to give birth to my son Ki'Lo. he was late preemie is what they consider him. 5 days right after having my son i went back under to get the ankle surgery done.

went 5 months not being able to walk at all. having to rely on everyone who was around beside that you would catch me on my butt with one leg up in the air and my son attach to me. you guys know the baby carrier. yes, that became my best friend trying to get things done alone in the house with him. that time around in mother hood was not easy. and when i finally got the green light to somewhat stand on it lightly and lightly step down on it.. it was still hard but i got thru it wit the right people by me even though i felt like i did it alone mostly of the time because i was alone technically.

with the little help that i did have i still felt alone doing things. once my son was born, his father decided to come into the picture.

i don't know if he was trying to play mind games again with me. but it kind a work. went back around him like we never left each other side. yet here i am blogging about it.

i still think of the moments we had and how we can be a family but that's something he would never give.

[what-iz-life]

Your intuition is divine intervention and protection. Stop gaslighting your intuition. When it feels fake, forced, off, sneaky, weird, or wrong, it is. When you feel out of place, you are. When your body says "no" to a person, situation, or place, trust it and leave immediately.

[ghostbbii]

where to start

let me fill you guys in since i last been on here. i last wrote was a letter to both my sister and my nephew ( her son). i finally let go of the hold i had on them. i accept my pain and grief. i also welcomed my second born, Ki'Lo my son; started all over again in motherhood after 9 yrs of having my first born. Lelah my wolf cub.

Anyway, i want to get back into writing, well blogging. but my blogs are about my life, family and emotions; family loss, as well as gains. i even write poems from time to time.. or just type my pain away because it helps me let go of stress.

we should all write in all reality, I've always felt that it helps a lot. especially when you get to this one point in your life that talking to your friends or family just don't help. or it as not enough anymore. maybe you feel that talking isn't enough that you don't want to verbally say anything no more. get a some damn note book paper and write out the hurt. let the pain go and burn it up at the end..

so i will be writing a lot more on here just about everything feel free to msg or comment on my post. posting things and hope for the best for everyone in this cold world.

[ghostbbii]

Fear life not Death; one if for making memories; while the other is an enteral abyss.

[ghostbbii]

released from my prison mind

I AM SO SORRY SIS, I KNOW YOU FORGIVE ME!!!! IF I KNEW I WOULD OF NEVER ALLOWED GOD TO CALL ON SLEEPY.. I WOULD OF SAVED YOU NEWPHEW!! YOU WOULD OF NEVER BEEN LOOKING DOWN ON US WITH YOUR MOM NEXT TO YOU..

At times i want to hate you god!! but at the end you have your reasons!! but this one its unexplainable, to me. im confused on that calling!! WHAT HAPPEN TO TALKING TO US through SIGNS!!

       Fck i want to scream out every day but instead i been doing it in my head for last 17&18 yrs now!!                                                   (1.15.04) & (1.26.03) 

i release you guys from being IN-PRISON in my mind

. see i couldn't find it in myself to accpet death!! stood in denial for all those years!! i didnt understand how i was never going to see you again. i already had to put your mom up in california state; in my mind. and i couldnt think of which state to put you once you got locked in my prison mind. i couldnt comprehend it.  how you guys would never have the chance to eat again, laugh, talk, sleep, go see events with the family or friends. do things in genral that you guys enjoy to do.. i didnt want to believe that it was the truth!!

i know i need to stop blaming myself about your DEATH nephew. but the truth for me would of been and  is you probably would really be alive. breathing with us ; walking this damn hell we call earth!! i know you felt that feeling just like i did that very night. we knew some thing was going to happen that day;  we knew we needed to find each other, it was meant for us to say sorry to each other.BUT  that time never came to happen. it never became a moment in our time line.. our last words to us were hateful words said outta of anger.. . if i can go back in time i would of went to school that morning, i regret not going.  for never getting up to just going against my gut. to just saying fck it; to showing up that day! . i never meant those words to you when we got into it that saturday afternoon. i was just standing up for my  mom like i always have man. but i should of never brought your mom into it and that lead us to really saying words that we let our anger get the best of us..just when we were finally learning to speak to each other, get along. you, aaron and me. still had a while until all 6 of us did get along.  but  you ran away from home that day. 3 months later, the day you decided to come back home!! i wish, i did go to school. oh how much it hurts to just want to hug you nephew, to laugh and joke around,, to go tagging on shit again, the bond we grew through art. its how we learned to speak. anger managment did help like you said. just had to accept it and be okay with it steph is what you would say to me! when liz and steph told me you went to the school looking for me it killed me more,, i died that day nephew! a part of me really left. i went cold and empty mentally i grew hate towards myself.. they dont lie that words can hurt..    Especially knowing i would never be able to say sorry in person to you. i  never meant those words  and i know you knew and know that now, its been killing me for holding on and not letting you guys go, to accept the truth, i wish i did said my peace to you that day at your wake. i wish i did go see you when we were doing your burial. instead i held on. i didn't want to have my last imagine of you dead man.. mainly beaucse my last interaction with you was us arguing!! i wasnt able to to find it in me to come and face you.  it wasnt the right way ;for that it's been eating me alive, for all these years.. i  cant remember how you or my sis sound like when  laughing. what your voice is when words come out of it. i dont know how it feels to embrace you nephew. or your voice lisette when you used to yell at us all. i cant recall how it feels to give your body a massage sis. i hate giving people a massage when they ask for it because it brings back memories. Fighting through the day with a weak body after treatment.  hate drawing shit it to much of a strong feeling having you next to me. i finally went to go say my peace Jan 2022. time to let ya fly

[ghostbbii]

cold nights w love ones

fall has slowly left us, while winter has arrived.

time for scarfs, hoods, boots and long coats with gloves.

stoves on to make hot teas, hot cocoa and soups to keep us warm.

some enjoy their nights sitting next to fireplaces, while others like me.

enjoy the presence of the beloved love ones. 

snuggled up under the covers. keeping each other warm. 

especially our toes, can't forget those of course.

cuddles with my man and our mini us.

sharing moments like these.

every night is a movie night, holiday right around the corner.

thanksgiving, christmas and the new year to arrive. 

as long i get to cuddle with him. 

and hearing our daughter giggle for who knows what.

every cold night with them

every cold night with love ones.

my love ones, my little family. 

(this should of been posted 5 yrs agos)

[destroymylife]

[roots-love-roots]

[ghostbbii]

Yes

[facetiousfanatic]

🌻 🌻 🌻

[ghostbbii]

sexually; differently; with your help

-when you come to mind

mmmmmm

but not all the time.

further you read; you’ll see

once we did it; what can i say

stick was too fine

mmm fck! multiple times

mmmmmmmm

- chilling with you 

just running with whatever this is?

the levels we are on; are quite different?

for what i think [believe]

shit i might be wrong [hmmm, who know’s]

yet we vibing, 

mmmmmmmm 

-sharing body warmth.

on random nights.

especially when needed the most.

it comes in handy, like handy manny.

many nights;yet different moments.

wrap into one another arms

on this one night

legs criss-cross into each other.

how they normally do; 

this time around;

your chin, touches my neckline

breathes, down my spine.

tinglingly; turning me on.

mmmmmm

-hearing your heart beat; fast

speeding; thats how my heart be

when seating on the passenger side

in one of those foreign cars; of yours 

whichever, one you choose to pick. 

on the highway. passing speed limit.

to get to our destination. the fun of getting away.

must be your adrenaline rush; correct me if I'm wrong.

shifting back to 1st gear.

that’s the same feeling; afterwards

you put your stroke game down.

up in the bedroom. 

aahhhh yes, adrenaline rush!! 

mmmm

-got me out of breath

with those deep penetrations.

hard time; tryna keep up with your strokes 

gripping my hips; parting my thighs;

stroke after stroke, pounding kitty cat

kitty’s milk all over him; just how you like it.

causing me to have an adrenaline rush; oohh yess 

asthma attack; lungs off track

taking me to a different type of paradise; on a relaxation cloud

our scent; sex lingering ; mixed in the atmosphere

turning me on again. yet

falling asleep; at the same time.

wrapped in your arms.

mmmmm

-my mind starts to wonder

gym flows have help me a lot of course.

you don't do much; but see here?

you made me feel comfortable; in your own way.

i do not know how but you did 

some how; you managed to help me

on a personal level

something i was dealing with 

battling within myself. 

afraid of being in my own skin. 

you helped; shade a layer of it off.. 

just vibing; like we been doing 

mmmmmm   [ahem, hmm] 

-mentally, physically, confidence, self loving, and self esteem.

protective wall glass; shattered

blended up; liquefied gone through a crack

words killed me years ago.

some how, i climb up.

I'm alone in this journey of mines

self healing; but you help me along the way.

&& for this i thank you.. 

mmmmmmm

shutting off my mind, night night world. 

[cognitionandperceptiondisorder]

[lovelustquotes]

[reckonable]

[ghostbbii]

(TRUE CERTIFIED)

[taurusismagic]

How to understand why a Taurus isn’t always there. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bv8uHRTAhMHCmZMFd2HS6298B6X4mTVNc20uWw0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=t99am54bx6h4