ed blogs/nsft blogs dni

just because i'm in recovery doesn't mean i'm not allowed to be angry and upset sometimes. (dni if nsft or eating disorder blog) CW: csa, cocsa, rape/sexual assault, child neglect and abuse, mental health venting

[ghostgiving]

CW for

csa

cocsa

rape/sexual assault

child abuse

child neglect

domestic abuse

DNI if

nsfw blog, kink blog

thinspo/proana blog (including if you're "only pro for yourself")

radfems (please leave immediately, i don't want your bullshit here)

I block liberally and will block you if I don't want you interacting with me

[ghostgiving]

god it feels shit to feel like I can't go to anyone when I feel like shit. usually if I felt bad enough I'd go to my gf but she's sick and I don't want to add to the pressure rn so like. what do I do about it huh? same as I always do ig it's a me problem now

[sirfuckhead]

ever think about your childhood and be like not only how did anyone let that happen, how did everyone let that happen. because what the fuck

[avvrice]

parents be like you can’t imagine how hard it is for us to deal with your mental illness

[avvrice]

parents be like *annoyed sigh* you’re suicidal again? really?

[traumasurvivors]

Abuse disguised as "punishment" is still abuse. It doesn't matter what you did. It doesn't matter if you threw a tantrum. It doesn't matter if you broke something. It doesn't matter if you screamed and even yelled something mean at your parents/guardians. You never ever deserved to be abused.

[ghostgiving]

hate being the fusion of a mom's house host, a school host, and a dad's house protector. I get the memories of dad being shitty, mom being weird but nothing super bad, and school being completely normal except for all the places where the memories get fuzzy and jump around. I guess it does mean I get a more comprehensive view of our life but also it sucks so bad, having the ability to tell where a memory ends and where it probably went.

[ghostgiving]

whoever it is panicks when they realise they're not fronting and shoves whoever is fronting out, thereby reinforcing to them that they're just pretending to be different people because they can snap themself out of it when they choose to. what an asshole honestly

[ghostgiving]

god what i wouldn't give to be unaware of the shit with our parents. what i wouldn't give to be unaware of the sexual abuse, instead of just lacking the actual memories. i am so mad at and kinda jealous of them for being so deeply in denial that they can't remember anything and don't associate with any of it

[ghostgiving]

whoever the fuck the denial host is is driving me crazy. sure none of the trauma happened which is why we're hypersexual and prone to violent revenge fantasies and the idea of telling anyone we want or need anything from them makes us feel like we want to kill ourselves. totally normal and well adjusted singlet who just happens to sometimes feel like a 23 year old blonde woman whose first memory is sucking cock. fucking idiot.

[3000s]

when you think about it it's just kind of crazy how you can be neglected and abused your whole childhood instead of experiencing a brief moment of being taken care of while learning how to be a person, and then once you're an adult it's like ok now i'm still essentially raising myself in a shitty situation but this time my adult peers are like mad at me because i'm not as emotionally healthy as them, and on top of that i still have to save my own life

[rabbittongues]

i wish it was me instead of you

[daydreaems]

[tomtonktonic]

remembering trauma makes me feel like an injured animal. I'm all scratched up and wounded, curled up in a ditch as the fight trickles out of my body. I feel all alone and scared.

Even as I've begun healing I still feel like that animal. Still hurt, wounded, bloodied, and a little scared. But now I'm crawling out of that ditch. I don't want to die here, I refuse to die here. I'm gonna get out of this, and when I do, I'll maul the hand that beat me.

[traumatizeddfox]

bad dog or scared dog?

does it even matter at this point?

you will always beat the dog

and blame your actions on his bite

and like a dog he will stay loyal to you

[anigitli]

made a meme for anyone else out there who gets stuck in the "it wasnt that bad!" or "maybe im not traumatized!" loops because trauma denial sucks ass!!! you all are valid!!!

[ghostgiving]

like I'm not gonna lie and say the waterboarding was easy because waterboarding really isnt fucking easy but like, I was only really experiencing it fortnightly yk? one simulated drowning every other week in a very ritualistic way feels much more survivable than being intentionally starved for YEARS. and the sheer volume and intensity of psychological torture and isolation which went along with that starvation made it feel even worse. I was so much easier to control when I was constantly hungry and exhausted and in pain and really fucking dissociated

[ghostgiving]

I cannot fucking believe I spent most of my childhood and teenage years slowly starving because I was terrified of the punishment I would get for eating and because I never managed to eat fast enough in my alloted time to eat before the kitchen timer went off. Like I was so hungry I ended up no longer experiencing hunger as a physical sensation and instead had to rely on my body collapsing underneath me before I understood it was time to eat.

Like my mother can say all she wants that she tried her best but I KNOW she punished me for eating too much and I KNOW she punished me for not eating my sensory hell foods and I KNOW she used to deliberately restrict what foods I was "allowed" to eat on a whim because she liked the control, and my hoarding food and resource guarding is proof of that

But holy shit I honestly don't understand how I lived. Between the deliberate starvation and the punishments and the constant fear and the physical abuse how did my body not just give out. How did I not catch the flu one day and just never recover because I was in too poor health