Healing Is Not Linear

I’m April. I’m 32 and from Canada. I am a trauma survivor, and hope to offer support and validation to other trauma survivors. Please read my pinned post for more info. My personal is aprilthebookqueen

[traumasurvivors]

Hi, I’m April!

32 • Canada • Married • Dog mom to my mastiff, Kumi

I created this blog to cope with my trauma, and it’s now a space for validation, resources, and community support for survivors

About This Blog:

Mostly positive and validating trauma posts

Resources, info, and reminders are for any trauma survivor

Check out my Trauma Website for guides, validation, and coping ideas.

Trauma FAQ: [link]

Tags I use so you can filter them out if you want are: 'april answers' for asks, 'allaboutapril' for personal posts and 'april's poetry' for poetry.

Other Blogs & Projects:

BPD Blog: @borderlinereminders (Post general communication and emotional regulation advice too)

Disability Positivity: @disabilityreminders

General Positivity: @somepositivityforyou

Cute Animals: @nothingbutadorableanimals

Activities & Coping Tools: @traumasurvivorsactivities

Awards: @youdeserveanaward

Main/Personal: @aprilthebiqueen

Fidget Toy Business: @flappyhappystim

Trauma Survivors Facebook: [Here]

Trauma Survivors Instagram: [Here]

Ask Guidelines:

I love asks for validation, advice, or peer support, but I can’t answer everything

I don’t answer diagnostic questions (like “Do I have PTSD?”)

Please know I may clear my inbox sometimes to protect my mental health

About My Approach to Asks I try to answer even difficult or hurtful asks with compassion because that’s the tone I want for this blog. I assume good faith, knowing that if an ask wasn’t in good faith, responding kindly still denies them the reaction they were hoping for.

If an ask genuinely upsets me, I block and delete it. I only respond to the ones I feel safe answering. So if you see me reply to something that seems harsh, know that I’m okay and I’m choosing to handle it this way intentionally.

Optional Support (a couple people have asked): [Ko-fi link] | [My Fidget Toy Business] (never expected, always appreciated!)

[suggestionsofkindness]

Important announcement: You will make it through this, there are so many good things waiting for you. It’s okay if the fight makes you tired, and it is okay to rest, but keep fighting. You got this. You hold so much power in you, some of it hasn’t even awoken, yet. 🌸

[borderlinereminders]

Find me on: Instagram | Facebook

[traumasurvivors]

What I have to remember is that I deserve to heal. I deserve to get better. I deserve to wake up one day, and not be overwhelmed by all the pain in my life. 

I deserve good things. I deserve love. 

I deserve it all and so I am going to make it all happen. 

[traumasurvivors]

But What If I Caused the Abuse? (You Didn't)

If you are wondering whether you caused the abuse, I want to say this clearly before anything else. You didn’t.Nothing you did caused someon

Latest blog post on my website! I've been a bit slower putting these out lately, and this one I had sitting in drafts for awhile but it's a really important topic for me.

[traumasurvivors]

Anyways, with my content making its way around Facebook (both from this one and my BPD blog), I'd just like to post a reminder that I have a trauma survivors facebook page, and a borderlinereminders one.

I was told that the reason I couldn't be credited in one case was because they didn't know what to tag, so for future reference...

My Trauma Facebook Page

My BorderlineReminders Facebook Page

Also! I do have my own personal website, and linking back to that is great if you're sharing somewhere else where I don't have a profile. Here's my website.

I realize this might seem a bit much, but I genuinely put my heart into my blogs, and it really catches me off guard to see my own posts on my newsfeed with someone else's name on them.

[traumasurvivors]

I think anger gets a bad reputation in trauma spaces a lot of the time.

People will say things like, "Holding onto anger isn't healthy," and I understand what they're trying to say. If years go by and anger is the only place you're able to live, it can absolutely keep you stuck.

But I also think there's a difference between staying angry forever and allowing yourself to be angry while you're healing.

For a lot of survivors, anger is actually an important part of recovery. It can be the moment you stop blaming yourself. The moment you stop minimizing what happened. The moment you realize that you deserved better.

Many of us spent years making excuses for the people who hurt us. We focused on their trauma, their intentions, their struggles, and their pain. We understood them so well that we forgot to make room for our own feelings.

Sometimes anger is what creates that space.

That doesn't mean anger should be taken out on other people. It doesn't mean every angry reaction is healthy. But the feeling itself isn't automatically a problem.

Sometimes anger is simply grief with boundaries.

Sometimes it's self-respect showing up for the first time.

And sometimes it's a necessary step on the way to healing.

[borderlinereminders]

Every single person in this world has at some point made a mistake, likely embarrassed themselves, and likely done something they wish they could change.

Try not to dwell on these things. You can learn and grow from them. You can fix them when you can. You can take accountability where it's needed. But try not to get stuck in these things.

We're all human, and part of that means we're all imperfect.

[traumasurvivors]

You deleted my reblog cause you know it's true. Those people are just traumatizing themselves. I'd love to see you actually answer this and explain how me being beaten is the same as someone being "traumatized online." You can't. I couldn't turn my trauma off, they could. Big difference! Teach people to turn their phones off, not to accept their own stupidity of not doing so.

I blocked you, therefore deleting your reblog as a result, because it could be very triggering to others, and all it said was "no, online trauma isn't real". It literally added nothing of value and I am allowed to delete whatever I think doesn't belong on my post. My blog is about offering validation to survivors of all types of trauma.

But let's talk about online trauma for a second. It would be valid if someone got traumatized without this sort of background, but for me, my online trauma took place because I was being molested by a family member at the time. This lead me to seek out relationships online with older men, and you can be damn sure that still carries trauma effects to this day. Men who wanted to hear the stories of what was being done to me. I didn't know any better. I didn't know to block them. I literally thought that I was doing what I was supposed to do because of how I had been conditioned and groomed.

I have also experienced domestic abuse, and been beaten as a child. I spent 18 years of my life living in active trauma situations between sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse by family and a romantic partner. I have several frames of reference and I can still tell you that the online trauma I experienced was real.

Also, with your logic, is my trauma from being beaten and sexually abused by my romantic partner not valid because I could have just "walked away?" Is my child abuse not valid because I could have just "told someone?" Trauma doesn't work within any set of rules.

I'm not bringing up what I went through to try and compare traumas, that's not the point. The point is that because I've been through what people deem as "acceptable" and "big" trauma, I feel like my opinion on the trauma you see as less valid should have weight to it since I have experienced it too and it traumatized me as well.

Comparing trauma doesn't help anyone. It's not about the events themselves, but how they affect someone. I personally experience more trauma from an experience I had with a spider verses an assault I went through. I have flashbacks and nightmares about this experience with a spider and I end up panicking when I'm in the place where I dealt with it.

I understand that you are hurting, and I understand that maybe you feel like it makes your trauma seem less important somehow. But it doesn't. Other people having trauma doesn't mean yours is less valid or important somehow. It's also not uncommon for some survivors to feel like other people's trauma isn't as bad as theirs, and to feel bitter about that.

I can definitely see that you are suffering. I saw the anger and hatred you pass to others on your blog. It seems like you're in a lot of pain, but that doesn't mean it's okay to bully others online. Which is essentially what you're doing. It's possible it makes you feel powerful in some way to cause others pain. And your feelings of anger are valid, but your behaviour definitely isn't. I hope that you heal. I truly do. And I hope that you can learn to put your anger where it belongs, and that is on the people who hurt you, not other trauma survivors.

(Also, I will say that even if someone does seek out trauma in some regard, that's likely a result from having experienced trauma in the past, and they are still valid.)

Edit to add: I had an anon tell me they couldn't block people online because they were a child and these people threatened to find them, and being a child, they really believed the threats and were terrified. There are so many reasons someone may not be able to just "block" someone. Let's also not forget that people really focused on bullying or abusing someone online, likely won't let a block option stop them.

[traumasurvivors]

“It’s okay. Accidents happen.” We do say this a lot but I wanted to talk about it. I was thinking about this yesterday when I accidentally spilled my drink and immediately started apologizing to my partner. I felt panicked and stressed like I’d done something terrible.

I was surprised when he wasn’t upset at all. He got up and helped me clean it up and said “it’s okay. Accidents happen.”

It made me realize how I reacted was largely because of how much trouble I’d get in as a child and that despite what I’d been raised to think, the world is not over if I make a mess or spill something. It isn’t over if I drop something or knock something over.

I’m sorry you were raised with unrealistic expectations of being perfect. Because the truth is, we’re human and we aren’t perfect.

It’s okay. Accidents happen. And I hope in time, the panic you feel when they happen subsides.

[traumasurvivors]

If you're sex repulsed as a result of a trauma, that's completely valid. But I want to also talk about hypersexuality, because that's valid too. And for a lot of us? We can be a bit of both whether that's both at the same time, or perhaps going back and forth.

You aren't wrong, dirty or broken for being sex repulsed, hypersexual or a mixture of both.

[traumasurvivors]

I feel like I’ve been lectured a bit on a mindset I had 9 years ago in a post I made. It might not have been the intent of the replies, but it’s the feeling.

And it made me realize that it really is incredible how you can grow and how you change.

I’m not the same person I was at 23. And it’s really neat to see that growth.

[traumasurvivors]

Even if I didn’t have a solid plan, in the back of my head, I always assumed I’d kill myself.

Now I’m an adult and people my age have their lives in order and I’m stuck here, confused, because I never planned to be alive and I’m so far behind.

I feel like I’ll never catch up.

[traumasurvivors]

Hey all.

I want to make an addition to this. I made this post a long time ago.

I’m currently back in university, and I’ve made so much progress with my trauma. I’m in a loving relationship.

Things can and will get better. It’s not too late.

Nothing is perfect by any means. But I’m happy I’m still here and didn’t kill myself. I hope you get to that point, too 💕

[traumasurvivors]

The addition is important! I see the original post circulating a lot, but the addition is important!

[traumasurvivors]

New addition two years later. I’m still going strong!

I’m getting married. I’m still in that loving relationship.

I’ve learned that there’s no real timeline. It’s okay. And while it sucks that I lost time, there’s still so much for me to experience and enjoy.

[traumasurvivors]

Newest addition. 7 years after the original post!

I got married last month! My dog is laying on me snoring. I’ve learned to have healthy friendships and relationships. I’ve learned that I’m not alone and that even when things are hard, I’m going to be okay.

[traumasurvivors]

This showed up in my notes again. And here we are. 2026.

I’ve been married a little over two years. I just got home from friendships that feel like home and family. My husband and I have our own place. I have a full ass book ready to be published.

I don’t know. I’m still in a good place and I can’t believe how far I’ve come from my original post.

[traumasurvivors]

Even if I didn’t have a solid plan, in the back of my head, I always assumed I’d kill myself.

Now I’m an adult and people my age have their lives in order and I’m stuck here, confused, because I never planned to be alive and I’m so far behind.

I feel like I’ll never catch up.

[uncle-beanbag-mojave]

People do not have their lives in order. That’s just you kind of simplifying what you’re seeing at other people. There’s a lot of people just as fucked up as you are that have no idea what the fuck they’re doing and are just trying to survive from day to day. That’s more normal than you think. It’s not about catching up either. I mean, you’re never gonna catch up if you judge how your life is based upon somebody else’s or your perception of somebody else’s. Because their life’s not at all what you think it is. On the surface, yeah, they may be presenting like something that looks good on Instagram or TikTok or whatever the hell, but below that, they’ve got a lot of issues that they’re just trying to deal with and struggle through. And a lot of people feel like it’s hopeless. They have no idea what’s going on. They have no idea what to do. But that’s kind of the norm, honestly. Like, I went through some extremely heavy stuff for a decade that almost broke me. And it burnt away what was unimportant of my life. And now I’m pretty well set, but I had to go through a literal hell to get there. I’m hoping you and other people in your situation don’t ever have to go through that, because I would definitely not recommend it to anyone. But catch up to what? To them? Why? You’re not them. You’re you. It’s all about starting small. Set a small goal. Today you’re gonna take a shower. Today you’re gonna go for a little walk. Tomorrow, go on that same walk. The next day, maybe go a different direction. the next day, maybe go a little longer. Small incremental building as you go. You just keep building on things, building on things, building on things. That’s how you kind of get to where you want to be. That’s how you kind of, in your words, catch up, even though catching up is not even a thing. Baby steps. Little by little, over a long amount of time, focus on yourself. Take care of yourself first. Take care of your needs first. Take care of your mental health first. Work your way up. Go get some physical activity. Start eating better. Start getting more sunshine. Drink more water. Take time to read a book or listen to an entire album of music. Not just one or two songs, like the entire album. Even the stuff you don’t want to listen to, listen to it, just to see if there’s anything there worth keeping. And if not, well, then you listened to it, and you know. Just build up. Keep going. That’s how I got over my issues and healed from my trauma. I took an entire year off. I had the money, and I wanted to do it because of what I’ve been through. But that money didn’t last very long. But that year centered myself, healed myself of this, because little by little, through just tiny things, I was able to reconnect with the world in ways I hadn’t been for a decade. I quite literally thought I was going to die, and I got extremely close to dying. Just like you. But I’m still here. I’m too tenacious to die, and I’m not gonna let that bastard win. I’m in a genuinely good place, and I hope you can get to that place too, but it’s gonna take a lot of time and a lot of effort. And it may not seem like it’s worth it from where you’re standing now, but on the other side of that chasm, it’s definitely worth it.

[traumasurvivors]

So, this original post was like 9 years ago and someone has gone back and only reblogged the original to circulate that version but the more popular version of my post is this one.

And that’s super relevant to everything you’ve written here. I’m not the same person I was 9 years ago. I was 23 and just started healing.

[borderlinereminders]

I’m feeling a little anxious but I posted about my upcoming book for BPD on my personal Instagram!

If you’re up to giving it a little love, I’d appreciate it!

It’s here.

[borderlineremindersbook]

There is grief in outgrowing versions of yourself, even if you’re proud of who you’re becoming.

[borderlineremindersbook]

This is the Google Drive where I am uploading chapters after I've finished my third edit, and my husband has finished his.

I will continue to upload chapters to this drive.

Even after publishing and officially selling the book, it will continue to be available for free. At that point, I will do a combined PDF of the book and I will look in offering epub docs in case people want the book on their ereader.

If you'd like to see the final chapter list, you can check below the read more! (I'll also try and edit to link the individual documents for the chapters once they're uploaded.)

Table of Contents

Author's Note

Introduction

Part One: Understanding the Landscape

The Stories They Tell About Us

Living It From Within

Emotional Permanence

Splitting on Others & Ourselves

Recovery Isn't Linear

The Storm Inside

The Shifting Sense of Self

Who Am I Without the Chaos?

Diagnosis: Devastation and Validation

My Story

Part Two: Navigating Relationships

Wanting to Be Heard

They Deserve Better Than Me

Conflict Without Ruin

Owning Mistakes

Asking for Reassurance

Spoiler: They Can't Read Minds

Love Languages, BPD Edition

When Someone Needs Space

Boundaries Aren't Cruelty

When You Feel Everyone Secretly Hates You

Intent Doesn't Erase Impact

Jealousy Without Shame

Rage Without Ruin

Risk & Hope of Trust

Relationships that Breathe

Healthy Relationship with a Favourite Person (FP)

Healthy Relationships Beyond the FP

It's Not Always You

Part Three: Coping and Self-Support

Self-Care and Grounding

Not Alone

Micro-Boundaries

DBT Skills

Distress Tolerance

Emotion Regulation

Interpersonal Effectiveness

Mindfulness

Managing Crisis

Preparing for the Storm

Naming Feelings

Examining the Evidence

Challenging Irrational Thoughts

Intrusive Thoughts

Validation vs. Toxic Positivity

Urge Surfing

Losing Your FP

What Do I Do When...?

They Left Me On Read

They Cancelled Plans

They Posted Without Me

They Didn't Notice My Mood Change

My FP Made a New Friend

My Loved One Had to Call Me Out

I Don't Get the Response I Want

My FP Doesn't Like Something I Love

Part Four: Living with Yourself, Not Against Yourself

Growing Through Setbacks

When Healing Feels Lonely

The Weight of Self-Blame

Shame and Self-Compassion

The Double Standard

How to Notice You're Healing

The Fear of Getting Better

A Life Worth Living

A Letter to You

Acknowledgements