Ghostly Light Night

To all the pain and sorrow, from love and passion ...и в ореоле славы мы идем, из святых мест, где был наш дом...

[ghostlylightnight]

Why do you have to make me feel this way?

When the world is crushing me down, taking everything I had and breaking me apart,

Why do you act like all of this is my fault and I never tried to prevent it?

You keep blaming me so violently for things that got out of control, for things I did and didn't do,

When all I need is your support and just few words, that everything will be okay again.

You so quickly made me feel so useless, so powerless, and... so alone.

I would have felt better on my own than be next to you and feel like you weren't even there.

Because you never was.

You wasn't there when I needed you the most.

It wasn't your fault, but it hurts all the same.

And all I can do is to sit here and wait...

Big girls like me don't cry, but I guess I am yet to grow up.

[ghostlylightnight]

Lost and ... found?

Strange how you can lose yourself at times. Forget who you are, who you were; where you came from and where you are heading to. And when you try to remember, it brings so much pain because you think you will never find it again. So much fear, that you will never be able to get back, that you will be lost forever and won't make it back.

I sat alone amongst so many people, people sitting next to me, passing by, going on about their own lives. And I was there, sitting on my own, feeling lost, feeling helpless and hopeless, not knowing when it will end, this feeling of uncertainty and anxiety, the constant worries of what will become of me if nobody will find me, if I won't find myself again. Thinking how alone I was at that moment, scared and just lost. Floating in my own existence with no purpose, no direction to float to, drowning in that non-existence yet very much alive but not feeling like it, so desperately trying to find what I can't even describe or have any slight idea of what it is that I need to find. The never ending circle of anxiety.

I saw people walking around. Going up and down the elevator, reflected in the glass windows of the moving stairs and the barriers, and then all of a sudden I saw that there were more of them. For a second the breach between reality and imagination blurred - the people, they were not alone, they were together with the reflections of themselves. The mirrored person next to them, identical, yet different, and most of all, also present. From one emerged another one, and now there were two of them, three, four and more. Them and their countless reflections.

They were not on their own, they were with themselves.

Not alone. Together.

I had myself too. I wasn't on my own, I had myself, right there, next to me was also I, me, myself, that I can count on. Can't I?

[ghostlylightnight]

In the End

And I am sorry if it hurts,

And take my apologies, I beg

For this time it's harder

Than it ever was before.

All I hope for your forgiveness,

Your understanding of

Decision that I had to take.

Would it be hard to bear? Maybe,

As I thought about it too much,

I would put myself in other's shoes

Just to stop myself from...

And I cried every time, please believe me

I have tried hard not to,

Guess I failed.

On every fucking scale.

What have gone wrong?

I do not know myself, I wish I knew.

I wish someone have known

And could've told me how to deal with it.

But it was my mistake, for I didn't ask,

Not for help, not for advice

I just did not want to bother anyone,

Definitely won't bother anymore.

It's so hard to leave,

But sometimes it was harder to stay.

I am so scared, I wish I wouldn't cry at least.

I wish I could be stronger.

But clearly I am not, that is my fault.

Is it selfish? Is it weak?

Is it all that I can give?

Oh mother please,

I wish I could say more

But in the end

What would it matter.

The little girls he left

When everything was over

Didn't understand

Why the people they needed the most

Have left them. They cried that night,

And many nights after that,

In the dark, in the silence,

When no one could hear

Because they didn't think

They were allowed to feel pain,

That they could ask the question

Why?

Why would he leave?

And why,

Why does it hurt so much?

[ghostlylightnight]

The Loop

The things I'll never tell

The thoughts that I can't share...

-

The way you make me feel,

When world around surrounds,

It cuts through the glass

It tries to bend the walls

But the way you make me feel

(Is way beyond my world)

-

Inside the fragile globe

I keep the secret deep inside

I hide the beating of the heart

And let you walk around

With blindfold on your eyes.

You think you know the way

As you guide me through the pain

But I... would never tell

How close you get at times,

And let me hope for things

That I can never say

-

And it happened once before,

I kept you close too long,

You found the place inside

And helped me realise

The things I really cared about

I hated when you was right,

So right, I couldn't help but...

(Think you were the one)

-

I was afraid, I wasn't brave

You wasn't sure, you disappeared

I was alone, I felt the pain

You wasn't there, you have moved on

I didn't grieve, I went astray

You didn't help, you didn't care

When I returned you said hello

That was enough to forget it all

To cure the pain, to let you in again

Until...

You leave me on my own again.

[ghostlylightnight]

The Scent of Spring is in the Air

And yet, despite the love for winter, and the cold weather, and the grey gloomy days of autumn, I cherish the feeling inside me when the air gets warmer and when the fresh wind coming through the window brings up the memories of childhood evenings spend in the garden lit by sunset, with birds cheering away and the smell of nan's cooking from the kitchen, reaching our noses through the door left open, where she prepares the dinner for the whole family.

The atmosphere of excitement that something wonderful would happen very soon doesn't leave us. At these moments we felt united with the nature and all our senses were at their peak, and somehow... It almost felt like freedom. Naive and innocent, childish even, spring-like freedom, in all its glorious tenderness, yet very strong, as it is young and fearless.

As the sky turns orange and our skin would relish in the last rays of warm sunlight, breathing deeply, smelling the nature awakening, we would feel the taste of freedom as the blood in our veins comes to life and we could almost taste the spring, feel her glorious presence and power of life she gifts away every year.

[ghostlylightnight]

It shouldn't hurt but it fucking does.

It hurts that much that sometimes you forget you're even in pain.

It hurts that much that you forget how does it feel when there's none.

There's nothing left to compare it to and suddenly pain becomes just another part of your life, of yourself.

You hit that point that you no longer know that there's something outside of feeling the pain, you stop questioning if all of this is even right or fair.

Don't you see that I am lost, that I'm gone and gone with no intentions to come back, because this is the point that you can't come back from. It's a point of no return.

[ghostlylightnight]

I miss driving through the night chasing the last sunbeams before darkness catches up on you, with the windows open wide and the wind sliding in the car that blows your hair and making you shiver, and the music would be loud, pouring out of speakers, filling the moments with the meaning you couldn't find yourself...

I miss taking driver's seat, grabbing steering wheel, going up in gears until you hit the last, racing through the empty motorways, heading somewhere where you haven't been before.

Feeling the car engine underneath the palms of your hands, underneath your feet - releasing the clutch and pushing gas down, down all the way.

Smiling to the bright colours of the sky, brushing the wind with your fingertips, breathing the evening in, then breathing out feeling alive.

I miss this feeling, being in the driver's seat.

[ghostlylightnight]

On the day we first met

And it happens when you least expect it. She appears from nowhere, all of sudden, she is just there, in your life. And guess what, it's inevitable. She is inevitable.

The moment you catch her eye and think she's just another cute girl to your collection of unreachable people to the moment when she sits next to you on the bus... you would think

it can't be, no... because I am not the fucking hero of that film, she is not the one, no, can't be.

But tell me, don't you just keep your hope from getting too high because you don't want to get hurt, not again, not this time.

But she's purposely looking for you once she gets on board, her big bambi-like eyes are searching for you, among all these people she could've chosen, yet she's choosing to sit next to you. And she says:

Hi again!

And you keep calm, you let yourself believe it's just another trick, you block your feelings but she will break through. Because it's the game we all like to play.

Fifteen minutes of the ride and you get to like her, and it's your time to get off. And so does she

wait what? No, can't be, we are neighbours? But I am... not the fucking hero of that fucking film!

She gives you her number. And you get to know her name but somehow you know you'll forget it because you were too nervous all this time, but the only thing from that day that will stay forever in your memory is how her big brown eyes were searching for yours and how sweet her smile was when she finally did.

Days, weeks, months in your friendship and you don't notice how happy she makes you whenever she's near. But one night it suddenly hits you, when she leaves and the door behind her clicks, when you sit in silence revisiting the things you've done today it suddenly clicks, like that door. The moment she leaves, you wish she had stayed. And not just for the day, but for the rest of your life, and would that be... too much to ask?

Weren't you searching for me on that bus the day we first met?

I guess... I was too, searching for you.

[ghostlylightnight]

Was I a fool for you?

Or have I just fallen for you?

- - -

But if you care, would you keep silent?

If you love, would you act cold?

If it means something to you, would you question?

You would not. It is simple as that.

So why are you quiet? So quiet as if you were dead, as if you have never existed, never been part of my life?!

Why are you silent? When I'm here right in front of you, like that night when you didn't expect me, but was glad! You were glad I came back!

... weren't you?

Tell me if all of it was just a lie, just a cover for people around us. Tell me you have never felt what I've felt, and all of the words that you said, they did never have any meaning. That there was never any of 'us' or 'together', because all of the things that you cared about... I wasn't even the part of.

So how does it happen that I am the one who has lost, when you said you would never fool me? So how do you say you are good, when all you have done feels so bad?

Tell me why can not I forgive, even if you're feeling sorry. Why can not I forget, how it feels... by you to be fooled?

[ghostlylightnight]

В тишине синевы

Почему ты меня не любил,

Как сильно тебя я любила?

Почему обнаженной душой пред тобой я стояла,

А в ответ лишь тихий взгляд синих глаз получала?

И тонула, терялась, возвращалась и вновь исчезала

В тишине синевы глаз этих самых...

Все больше себя раскрывая, я стонала,

Тебя я искала... Там,

Где ты не был. И быть не хотел.

Почему ты меня не любил?

Так, как я тебя сильно любила...

[ghostlylightnight]

Cut out Hearts

Will I ever be brave enough to tell you the truth that’ve been hurting me all this time, that burns me from the inside, that brings me down every time I think of you. And I think of you all the time. All the fucking time!

Please, don’t be so cruel to me. Please stop torturing me like you were doing from the very first time I saw you. Why do you have to... How do you make me cry, just stop, stop doing it. Please.

It’s been six years, my dear.

I still can’t get over you. 

We were just kids, I was only fifteen, and you just turned sixteen. Now, at twenty-one I find myself alone in the room crying my eyes out thinking about thinking of you.

You say that every night you’re carving your heart out just for it to reappear back in place the following day. And I can’t help but laugh, laugh at these lies because if you only knew what it means, you wouldn’t say a word about your pain. Because it is me who cuts my own heart out, pretending it will work this time, waking up in the morning to find out it didn’t. As the pain to have a heart is stronger than the pain of it being cut out. Wide torn up chest, an empty space in the place where the heart should be...  I wish.

But instead, it is this burden inside my chest that you never cared about. And it never goes away.

The pain grows every time you reappear, talking about your pain, but please! Stop with this bullshit. We both know the door to the world of acting is wide open for you, welcoming you and your talent of pretending. So why don’t you just leave!

Leve me, and my heart, alone.

[ghostlylightnight]

The day I remember her

Sunday would be the right day for me searching among old memories of our friendship. Rainy weather would be great in accompanying me with my floating regrets, sad smiles and pitiful chuckles. 

The cold air would surround sweater layers like it has been before, only places have changed.

Looking at that girl who I used to know from long ago and yet who I’ve never got to know well enough to remember how she likes to smile when looks away. Or how amazingly that dress looked on her, making girls envy and boys to turn their heads when she passed by. How her wavy hair would shine in the sun and fly in the wind.  And how easily she used to stand out of everyone else with no effort, because she never wanted to be like any of them... She never was.

Never asked her the questions that would be great to know the answers to, like what were her thoughts when she woke up early in the morning of cold November and left the house for a long journey down south. Did she hope to find her peace on the way or maybe did she think to run away from the war with herself. And did she hope that he would follow her or would she find another one like him. Did she leave her behind and hoped to never meet again. Did she actually closed all her doors on the rest of them without saying goodbye... And now, I am standing among the ones she left behind with so much more to say but there are no words left to describe the loss we did not crave for. 

Oh, has she ever thought that last raining days of April would bring the memories of her to all who knew her, and remembered her the way she left and never came back. Never giving us a chance to get to know her better. 

She was buried in the forest of lost feelings I had to give away when my feet hit the road up north. That forest grew bigger until its trees reached me, emerged in grief and fed by my last memories of her that I can not escape. No matter how far I go, her memories shape my path beneath my swollen wandered mind.

And I remember her, so beautiful, fragile standing in the crowd, hiding hands in his sleeves, laughing at her jokes... how much she was admired by the rest of them... by me. 

And I remember her sitting so gracefully in that old chair she liked, lit by warm rays of fading sunlight slipping through the old window shades, dreaming of the day when she would reach the highest peaks of her ambitions and letting few teardrops gently fall down her face. 

She got up off that chair, she left the room, she stepped outside of that house. She has left a long time ago. 

But sometimes in my mind I find myself inside that room, sitting on the floor in front of that chair she liked, and watch her gracefully sitting down and glancing over me to look out of the window at the highest peaks of her mountains. And we would sit there alone until it gets dark, as we always did, as if... she has never left that room. 

[ghostlylightnight]

Undefeated truth

I have not heard from you since the summer, when we have seen each other for the last time in our story. Story unspoken, hidden in our long lasting glances at each other. Our story, crawled deep down in my dreams of never possible reality. But maybe, just maybe, there is a chance of that story to become reality. 

* * *

You have never showed your affection when I needed it. But if you did... I would’ve been scared. Because it is not in your character - to show your feelings. Because it is not how it worked for us. Because we have never had to say these things out loud. 

And when I see you say how much you care for her... When you speak about your love to the whole world to see...

I look away in revulsion, away from your lies that you start to believe in. I do not feel betrayed, I only feel concern for what you have become... and your betrayal of yourself. 

Yet people change. Or do they make you believe they’ve changed?

Because I can see it in your eyes, in your posture in these pictures, in the way you put the cover on yourself when the lens meets your eyes. I can see in these lies you have to drown in, that you... You have not changed.

Today I have seen your true self for once more, that you’ve hidden away. But you cannot hide it forever, and that gives me hope - you’ll be alright one day. As from today I have witnessed how you avoid to look her in the eyes when she sets that damn lens up to catch you in the focus.

And you don't have to tell me anything, as you never did, but we both know - you avoid her glance, as you avoid the truth. 

* * *

If we ever had a chance for this unspoken story to become reality, that would only be in the world, where the truth is confronted with courage but yet would never be defeated. 

[ghostlylightnight]

Я еду в темноте

А огни проходящих мимо бьющихся жизнью квартир и машин, фонарей и даже сердец людских вплетаются все в одну тонкую нить. Кругом ни души, а глаза сотен осуждающих мнений следят за каждом выдохом и малейшем движением кончиков пальцев.

Но я еду в темноте и она стеной закрывает и защищает мною брошенное и покинутое благоразумие, восхваляя смелость и силу внутренних идей.

[ghostlylightnight]

I miss the birds in the sky

And how they catch the wild wind with their wings. I miss that little spider hiding in his web in the darkest corner of your room. I miss the growing grass at the back of the house and how they gently touched my feet. I miss the blooming lavender with mountain mint along the river bank and little bumblebees with their buzzing sounds. I miss that ice cold water running through your toes and fingers and blinding glare of sun reflected in the river. I miss the feel of joy and happiness when we had all that time before the summer finished.

I miss you badly and our memories of brightest days when we were younger. My dear friend, I hope we still have all that time ahead of us.

[ghostlylightnight]

Looking for myself

In the pile of stolen identities, I see the reflected pieces and broken parts of every single character I have ever been with while reading the book, while watching them on screen, while listening to their screams.

I can think with their minds, I can feel by their hearts, I can act with their strengths.

I can run and I can stay, I can win and I can loose. I can kill and I can die.

I could be Anyone.

I could be Someone.

I could be Noone.

And nothing would hurt me. Because it is not me who'll get hurt. It is them, the thousands of myselves.

Thousands of stolen identities are chasing you, they are on top of you.

There is nothing you can do now.

Hide, but you're already found.

Run, but you're already outrun.

Fight, but you're already broken.

Kill, but...

Dead?

Are you?

Looking for myself in the pile of failed freaks, crushed into crumbs, and feeling nothing but fear as my true self is fading away with the last shade of truth, flashing into the void. Listen to the silence as there will be nothing else to make a sound, when you finally became noone, someone but not yourself, anyone but thousands of stolen fakes.

[ghostlylightnight]

Be careful

Whom are you friendly with, as choosing among people who will be right for you could be frustrating. Could be frustrating to such extent that one day you even might ask yourself why on earth would you actually choose someone, look for someone among these billions of people that not even bothered about your existence. So tell me why would you bother?

It takes up to years to understand that simple thing: do not smile for everyone, because you don't even know if you want them to be acquainted with you. Do not talk to them as if you care for them, their problems, which have absolutely nothing to do with your own life, or for their life stories, and even if you do care, just simply try not to show it off that much, so you will eventually end up learning about their son's first guinea pig. Yeah, those weird details they tell you about which have been stuck in their memories for some reasons would not make your life easier, it's just adds on to your junk thoughts section in your brain for you to think about later on, like a really annoying ad you hear from the radio every day.