gigilemans

I am being treated for the chronic dissease endometriosis. I promised myself to not stop expressing how I feel, and this is my space.

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5/31 

Illustreret digt, der er skrevet en sen aften.

Song by Sufjan Stevens, ‘Should have known better’.

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4/31

Very often my days are so intense that I start feeling dizzy and really bad after 3 or 4 hours. Only during weekends, I can take a nap when I'm halfway through the day. I wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal 37 hour work week without getting worse. I wonder if I will fit in, I'm afraid I'll stay like this. For the rest of my life. Being sick like this, not being able to make everyone understand, not wanting to explain all the time.

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3/31 - Tuesday - Rainy and gray - 

I get these heart-pulses every now and then during the day. In the beginning I believed it to be the big pressure I’ve been under the last couple of years acummalating because of the pain attack. But I still get them, when I feel a bit under pressure during photosession at school, or when I stand looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom. I can be calm, but it still hammers throught my breastcage out of nowhere causing me to be out of breath suddenly. Sometimes I wonder if my heart tries to either tell me something, like I'm on the wrong path or maybe it just tries to fight this thing with me but doesn’t like all the hormone medicine I’m taking atm. 

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Today is a Monday. It's my 2/31 post about my illness. I find it very difficult to push the brakes when I'm around other people. I push myself too hard and I forget my boundaries. Today in school I did all the things I know I shouldn't, but even though I have the right thoughts I don't listen all the time. That just makes me even more tired, and increases my pain. And then I end up in bed the rest of the day.

But really, my bed is the only place where I can get away from it all. When I sleep, I don't feel anything.

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1/31

It all started the 11th of October 2019. I was at work, and thought it was going to be a totally normal Friday. But suddenly around 10 am I was hit by serious pain in my abdomen and I was driven to the hospital immediately. I couldn’t walk, I almost passed out. It was horrible to be so far away from everything.

They took a lot of samples, and I slept like I hadn’t slept in weeks. At last the doctor came over and told me I might have endometriosis. That I should talk to my own doctor. With those words, she sent me home. That Friday afternoon at 5 pm, I entered the train home in the middle of rush hour, not knowing how this day had changed my life, and how I would not be the same girl again.

Today, the 26th of January 2020, I decided to open up about my situation, my everyday fights, up and downs in the hopes that I can cope better. I am waiting for surgery, and it is affecting me very much emotionally. Today there is 31 days left. 

I hope I will recognize the girl in the mirror again after the surgery, I hope I will be normal again. But nothing is sure because endometriosis is difficuelt to diagnose. 

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Pine trees in the morning mist

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~the nature I live in~

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Electrified brain activity

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The monotonous dead clog me up and there is only black done in black that oozes from the strongbox.

# Outtake from poem by Anne Sexton

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I wonder where I will be at the next full moon.

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Talking with yourself so much that being around other people makes you feel restricted is an odd feeling of isolation because you can only be so honest alone.

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I am free in all the ways you are not.

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I’m just literary blown away.

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Let’s take a walk:

[...] imagine walking through a beautiful landscape. Your purpose in walking may be just to get somewhere else – you may think there’s a better place off in the distance. In this case the meaning of your journey through the landscape is external to the experience of the landscape itself. On the other hand, you may be intensely interested in what the landscape holds. It may be a forest, or it may contain farms, villages. You may stop along the way, study, learn, converse, with little thought about why you are doing these things other than the pleasure they give you. You may stop to help someone who is sick: in fact, you may stay many years, and found a hospital. What then is the meaning of your journey? Is it satisfying or worthwhile only if you have satisfied an external purpose – only if it gets you somewhere else? Why, indeed, cannot the satisfactions and pleasures of the landscape, and of your deeds, be enough? - Greg Studen, Novelty, Ohio

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Natural reflection . . #whpsparkle #raindrops #morning #nature #orange #blue #mysunday #photography #experimental #weekend #Berlin #macrofocus #photooftheday #pic #exploring #adventure #rain #wet #silence (her: Abhöranlage Teufelsberg)

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Barnstorfer Ring | 1 AM #longexposure #lighttrails #summernights #thunder #lightening #infrared #experiment #firsttry #latenightfun #photographer #photography #nikon #d3100 (her: Rostock, Germany)