As a feminist, men often ask me, “How do I oppress women?”
And this is interesting for a few different reasons. For one, they’re taking the oppression of women as a personal attack on themselves. When i talk about the ways women are oppressed, all they hear is “I’m accusing you of being a big meanie poo” when what they should be hearing is “these are the ways society is set up to shit all over women, and many of these ways just so happen to benefit you”.
Of course, then there are the men who are openly hostile towards women. And we women know them all too well, even if men refuse to admit their friends are really like that, or that they themselves are really like that.
But it’s important to note that you, personally, don’t bear the burden as the one single human source of female oppression. Instead, you are born in to a society which oppresses women, and you are taught to go along with it. And as long as you go along with it, you are participating in and propagating the oppression of women. The system was set up before you are born, you just keep it going–this is something that men, as a group effort, do to women.
Feminism is a form of class based analysis. That means analyzing large groups of people and how these groups interact. That means making generalizations. All social sciences–including sociology, psychology, anthropology, history and archeology–require making generalizations. When a historian says, “This style of hat was the fashion of the time” we know they don’t mean every single person forever wore that hat, just that it was a noticeable trend in society. So why do you assume when feminists say, “Men do this” you must jump to the conclusion that we mean 100% forever? Take a step back, we are reasonable people, listen to our actual concerns instead of derailing the conversation to say “not all men” because you’re telling us something we already know. We’re just saying that men are the ones who do this to us, and maybe you should care about us and acknowledge the ones who do?
A better question would be, “How do I participate in patriarchy?” and an even better question than that would be, “How do I stop participating in patriarchy?”
How to Stop Participating in Patriarchy
Step 1: Stop watching porn. That seems pretty difficult, doesn’t it? I bet you’re wondering how watching porn oppresses women. I bet you’re thinking things to yourself like, “But those women want to be there! They’re paid actresses doing their jobs! Women who are currently in porn say they love doing it! Women watch porn, too!” But these things ignore the reality and are cheap excuses that are easily disproved.
The normalization of porn in our society is an example of how patriarchy really exists, because it is so normal for people to watch women be abused and degraded. Studies show that after watching porn people are more likely to think that women who are raped “deserved it” or “secretly wanted it” because they absorb the message which porn sends to them, and that message is “women like being abused and debased.”
If you are interested in learning more about the harmful effects of porn, start with this masterpost. I also have a /tagged/porn/
Step 2: Stop using misogynistic slurs. That means don’t say words that are gendered slurs designed specifically to put women down. Using words like these basically implies that to be a woman is a bad thing and perpetuates the idea that women are lesser people. For example, saying, “that’s for bitches” we know you mean “that’s for women” and even when you try to argue “I mean a specific group of people and anyone can be a bitch” it’s like you’re being willfully obtuse, you know it means women, we know it means women, stop pretending and lying to yourself and instead just quit using the word.
Stop saying “pussy”, “bitch”, “slut”, “whore”, and “cunt”. These words are gendered slurs against women and are used to either put women down and designate a woman as being subhuman, or to put another man down by comparing him to a woman. Seriously, stop using these slurs because they propagate the idea that women are lesser human beings.
Step 3: Make an effort to listen to women and not talk over them. In our society, we have a documented social pattern of men speaking over women. Men interrupt women more than women interrupt men. men are also more likely to be considered a credible source of information than women are, when there is no basis for this. It’s so extreme that people will listen to a man’s opinion over a woman’s even when he has no education or experience on the topic, and the woman does. part of male privilege is that you can tell somebody something, and you will assume that they will believe you. For women, it’s an uphill battle. If your knee-jerk reaction is to tell a woman she’s wrong, don’t. Ask her questions politely instead. Seek to understand her point of view. make a real effort, don’t assume she is air headed, assume she is a logical rational human being and that she has put real thought in to forming her perspective.
Step 4: Stop telling and laughing at sexist jokes. They’re not funny or original and they can be extremely alienating. In order to be considered cool we have to accept these jokes that make light of horrible things that happen to women. Not only that, but when you laugh at a rape joke, you are laughing along with a rapist. And you never know who could be a survivor of sexual assault. You could be laughing at the worst experience of your female friend or girlfriend’s life.
Sexist jokes also serve as a reminder to women that society hates us and looks down on us and views us as subservient, lesser humans. They suck and it sucks that we should have to put up with them. Stop telling sexist jokes, stop laughing at them. They’re not funny when you’ve been on the receiving end of the real situations your whole damn life.
Step 5: Stop blaming women for the actions of men. Stop acting like men have no self control and “can’t help themselves”. Hold yourselves to a higher moral standard and just be a decent human being. Nothing a woman does entitles you to harass her. her clothes are not an invitation to harassment no matter what she is wearing. Stop saying “boys will be boys” as if men are mindless animals who can’t control themselves. Have respect for women and yourself by holding yourself to the moral standard of “decent human being” instead of using your gender as a privileged excuse to avoid punishment for your actions.
Step 6: Believe women. There’s a sexist belief in our culture that women are natural liars, this is bullshit, women are not more likely to lie than men are. Why is it that the same people who argue that women lie about rape argue that male victims go unnoticed? If you are willing to believe a man who says he was raped, you should believe a woman who says she was raped, also. People are not more likely to lie about rape than they are about any other crime, and women are not naturally so malicious that we ruin people’s lives for no reason. If you asked my rapist if he raped me, he would say no, and say I was lying. That doesn’t mean he didn’t rape me just because he refuses to admit it. My rapist walks free today because I know the police will not believe me, and that keeps me along with many other women from coming forward. (Feminists do listen to male rape victims, btw, and it is more likely to be a man who says something like “that guy got lucky to get with his teacher” or some BS like that.)
Also, innocent until proven guilty is a legal thing that applies in courthouses. Don’t assume your friends who come to you for emotional support during a difficult time are by default guilty of lying just because you presume the innocence of their rapist. Coming forward about rape is extremely difficult for women, not just men. Don’t question them or blame them or ask what these women did to get themselves involve in this situation. They did not drive a car in to a tornado. They trusted someone and they were betrayed. Over 90% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows and trusts, whether the victim is male or female. Also, whether the victim is male or female, over 90% of rapists are male.
Step 7: Vote for politicians who are pro-women. This is one of the easiest things you can do. Vote for politicians who will give women rights to bodily autonomy, support equal pay, and etc.. These laws affect our lives in a very real way, and by voting for thse
This list is not exhaustive and I may add more to it later, but here are some ways to start with.
