I don’t really write in journals anymore due to it hurting physically to write so much. Carpel tunnel is a bitch. I kinda feel like I need an outlet again, though. In the past I’ve let my manic episodes get the best of me and either overwhelmed people with my intense happiness or scared people away with my intense anger and/or overreactions to simple or not really that awful of things. Borderline personality really is a bitch. I don’t even bother talking to people about it anymore because to myself it just sounds like an excuse and let’s be real. Excuses are so fucking irritating. If I find someone else using excuses for themselves annoying why would I go on with my own? I can keep it all to myself...or in this journal.
Life is aimless to be honest. The best thing about moving is having that time to myself that I really needed. He was the first boy I think that I had a serious relationship with that I didn’t actively physically cheat on minus that first fire headed boy that I fell for back in high school that broke my heart to pieces over and over again. Do we ever really get over something like that? I don’t know. I do know that I definitely had thoughts and I definitely started to feel stagnant and like things were wrong in my last relationship. He got so into his own shit. Then when he saw me see through it all he started pressuring me with things I didn’t want...I almost feel like on purpose because he was pushing me away. I don’t know. He went back and forth on so many things like he didn’t know himself. So into this weird depressing loop of bull. We all kinda have our own shit. Heck, I definitely have my depressive loops and they definitely have similar feels and focuses. I definitely feel like I don’t know myself a lot of the time. But, I do know what I want. I do know when to work hard. I do have things I strive for that I don’t back down on. I am stubborn, but in a lot of cases this is a good quality. At least in my eyes; maybe not in others.
Now, I said life is aimless. I do have goals, but they’re fucked up. Literally aiming to be severely unhealthy again makes absolutely no sense to the rational mind, but in my own head it makes perfect sense because when I was most unhealthy I was the most happy. At least for a little while. I found real love. Someone calming and someone caring. Someone loyal. Someone to be my partner and my family which is all I’ve ever wanted. Thanks a lot broken ass family for getting me mindfucked with that. What is family .We are all just organisms with no real rhyme or reason-I know this. But, I want that connection. I thrive on it and I thrive on making people happy. When I see that I am making someone happy it makes me happy. But then there is that darkness that sees hurt. I’ll hurt someone whether it’s on accident or on purpose (more so on accident these days) and it also makes me happy. I know they care enough to be hurt and it makes me feel good. And I know that’s not good. When they give no fucks at all that is the worst feeling of them all. I seem to gravitate towards that. I thought I had gotten past that with my last relationship, but I let that get so messy.
I want you to want me around as much i want you around. I don’t wanna go out and do shit either, it’s just an excuse to get to be around you. I want to be lazy with you and chill with you and I want to talk about videogames with you all day. I wanna be close to your cat. I want her to not hate my cats. I want to make you smile. When you were smiling the other night when we were kissing...that was maybe the best part of the entire ordeal. I want to make you look that happy again. I’m so hung up on you it’s not even funny. We added each other right around the time Nick and I broke up and it’s so hilarious to me because I remember thinking you were a bot because you had no photos. I ranted to you about that tinder boy rebound and everything. Then for some weird random reason you reached out to me about hanging out and I just went for it even though I was pretty sure you were going to be some creeper weird dude. But you were cute as fuck. Why have you done this to me??? Why is my brain like this. I don’t want to obsess. I want to care about other things, but you’re the first boy who has actually caught my interest since my last serious relationship that I thought was finally home.
I know it’s dangerous to like you because you’re so to yourself. I know I get hurt with people who don’t show their feelings. It’s happened to me all too often. I’m afraid to be too close to you or to speak up too much, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I need this sort of relationship in my life where I don’t let the manic side of me get the best of me. I was ready to give up on liking you a few hang outs ago and then I don’t know what happened and now I’m here and I can’t sleep at night and I’m listening to music all the time and thinking about what I want to do to you and how I want to know you and shit is driving me crazy. I want to still my mind.I feel out of control and all I want to do is control myself. I don’t want to feel things so hard. I go from one intense feeling to the next and it’s so hard to differentiate what is real. I’m glad I have work to focus on, but with this nonsense I haven’t even been able to focus on that as usual. My mind is so fuzzy and it keeps going back to that last night we had together. We haven’t even slept together...maybe that’s what’s driving me crazy. I don’t know. I can usually snap out of things after that. But, I feel like this is different.
I get really hyper focused on this at least once a day and then I go back to thinking about how worthless and gross I am and obsess over my weight. It’s so fucking annoying, but I can’t help myself. I want to be thin again. I’ve already lost some weight and kept it down, but I want to be back down to a size zero and I’m scared about what that will do to me. I want a clear head, but once I start going down this path everything is fuzzy. I have nothing to lose.
I want something to matter. I want something worth losing. I want you. &I want to feel good enough to have you.
