I've been reminded of x4roth a lot lately. I really hope he's doing okay. I hate how I had and mosty likely still have such a negative stigma in his eyes. I did care for him. I do want him to be okay and I don't think as lowly about him as he thinks. I said so many things to him and he read so many shitty things I said about him on social media when I really didn't need to air his business or talk about him at all. I was addicted to these social media sites. I have A LOT of emotional struggles and was at the peak of breaking down when I knew him. I didn't have the tools to fully comprehend what that meant for me and I did not have the mental stability or the ability to fully help myself when it came to my mental illnesses at that point in my life. I definitely had a lot of oppurtunities when it came to my mental health, but, I did not know hwo to separate from myself when I was having episodes and I could not control my mouth even when 90% of the time I did not even mean what I would say when manic. I feel bad about it all. I don't regret knowing him or the fun times we shared. I regret that we could not stay friends, but also realize that it's difficult to be friends with someone you've had really bad fights with. You've seen each other at the lowest of the low and it's embarassing and dark and awful. I don't blame him for not wanting me in his life. It's weird how people will disappear from the brain for a bit and not show in memory, but then all of a sudden... they're back. Why is that? I have a few theories, but it's stupid. I hate my mind so much of the time. It's easy to stay fuzzy headed these days- let's keep it that way.
