deer (girl)

my blog for documenting my bottom surgery journey ! u can call me kitty or deserie, it/she :3

[girldeeer]

about this blog

hi ! my name is kitty or deserie, and this is a blog to document my pursual of bottom surgery; more specifically, phalloplasty without vaginectomy ! it's not a super common surgery so i wanted to spread more info abt it, especially from a femme/lesbian perspective.

this is meant to be an educational blog, so don't expect to see porn here. i'm mono and taken so don't flirt with me.

feel free to ask me questions if u have any ! but u might want to see if it's already been answered here first.

i don't believe in dnis but i will block u if ur a bigot or anything. other than that, anyone can interact and i hope u enjoy ur stay !

@deergirlsrituals is my main blog !

[girldeeer]

ok, rundown of my situation so far (will be deleting all other posts on this subject since it's pretty boring):

back in august of last year, my girlfriend and i started pursuing gender affirming care through our local trans center. it was pretty easy for her since she's on state insurance, but i had kaiser, which made things more difficult for me because they like to do everything in-house

so i went to a "gender exam" where i had to explain to a clueless cis lady why i needed the care i was seeking. i wanted to go on testosterone blockers, and i heard back about those immediately, but never heard anything abt my surgeries or hair removal. it became increasingly obvious that they weren't going to help me; not only that but i had no idea how much i was going to have to pay in copays, and we could already barely afford the ones for doctor's visits and refilling my medications (i got kaiser thru fake mom's work, but she refused to pay for anything).

the heath worker at the trans center told me that, to get state insurance, fake mom would have to take me off her kaiser plan. fake mom was very back-and-forth on that so i just applied for state insurance anyway, got accepted, and took myself off kaiser. now i'm in the process of getting an additional letter from the trans center for body contouring; i got letters from there before i realized i needed to go thru kaiser, i just need to get them updated bc that was almost a year ago

[girldeeer]

it makes me dysphoric when people refer to the surgeries i want as "masculinizing." there's nothing inherently masculine about having a flat chest or a dick. but i just go along with it because it's easier...

[girldeeer]

i explained to fake mom that the invoices shouldn't affect the insurance stuff, because you're typically billed immediately even if it takes a bit for the insurance to come in. i explained to her that i'm so antsy bc of my facial hair and how it makes me insecure.

but she seems to have completely changed her mind. now she doesn't want to change it over until october and insists that's the only time she's able to do it, bc that's when she pays again. even though i've explained that i've been pursuing this stuff since october last year and all she needs to do is call hr. she insists that she'll pay for it but i keep telling her that kaiser won't work with me

i can't stand it. i don't know how much longer i can stay like this without being able to pursue any kind of help. it's like she has no sympathy for me whatsoever, she only cares about what's easiest for her. i don't know what to do. i could hear her talking abt me on the phone. i feel so sick and i'm on the verge of tears. my girlfriend has contacted the trans center but idk how long it'll take to get a response...

[girldeeer]

i hate how kaiser just kinda leaves me in the dark when it comes to surgery stuff .___.

i almost immediately got approved for testosterone blockers but i haven't heard anything about my other referrals. i have no way to check up on them. i don't know how long it's supposed to take for them to get approved. will they let me know if i DON'T get approved ?

i'm worried they'll deny the one for phallo because i'm not on t. i know if that happens, the trans center will help me out. i just hate all the uncertainty

[girldeeer]

also ! sry for the lack of posts lately. i've just been waiting for my stuff with kaiser to go thru and i don't have any updates on that

[girldeeer]

recently i saw a post that was saying not to fetishize intersex people, clarifying that having ambiguous genitalia and/or ovotestes isn't the same as being bigenital. they define bigenital as "having two entire separate reproductive systems," with heavy emphasis on this only being possible in fantasy and not in real life.

i'm intersex myself, and i agree with the post. i think it'd be great if ppl stopped equating being intersex and being bigenital. however, i don't agree with their definition of being bigenital.

i've seen fictional characters who meet that definition, yes, but when applied to real life, it usually means "someone who wants/has two types of external genitalia."

it's true that it's impossible to have two whole, separate reproductive systems, but it IS possible via surgery to have two types of genitals. while being bigenital may only be a fantasy for some, there ARE some of us who are actually trying to pursue it, myself included !

i don't think op was trying to be ignorant or anything. i just wanted to clear this up.

[girldeeer]

i like that i've been seeing an increase in altersex posts :3

[orangeforgirls]

I personally dislike the term salmacian and would perfer to have a new term for women who just experience phallo bottom dysphoria.

1. I feel like the community is pretty loaded, and I dislike how the origin of the word is based off of sa

2. I feel disconnected how many people want differenting things and want to single in on the unique experience women as a whole have.

[girldeeer]

ok ! had my appointment !

i was nervous but i think it went well ! my gf was allowed to come with me. it lasted for abt 2 hours. the lady just asked me what exact treatments i'm looking for, how long i've been feeling dysphoric, making sure i know how they're done and that it's safe for me to do so.

i had to lie a little bit (like saying i'm nonbinary) but it's necessary for me to get this done. depending on ur situation u may need to do that too. basically, they want u to know that ur rly dysphoric and have been for a long time, that u have a safe place to come back to and someone to take care of u afterwards, that u don't wanna hurt urself or anybody else.

she said she'll send my referral thru today or tmrw. she gave me the number for kaiser's financial advisor to see how much i'll have to pay in copays. aside from calling them, all i rly have to do now is wait.

i'm not too worried abt the copays thing. i'm very low income (i'm only on kaiser bc i'm on my fake mom's insurance) but if it's too much, i'll call the trans center and we'll talk abt options.

this is just a general overview but feel free to send me an ask if ur curious abt specifics !

[orangeforgirls]

This is going to be... a lot.

This is one of those "staring at the ceiling at 3 AM and my brain won't shut up" posts. This is from my notes app dircectly. I don't mind comments or reposts, maybe I'll find that i'm not alone.

So bear with me.

You know that common, throwaway joke girls make? The one that always gets a laugh? "Ugh, if I just had a dick for a day, I'd be unstoppable," or "I'd just... figure things out, you know?" It's always framed as this absurd, hilarious "what if."

But... what if it's not a joke?

What if you're sitting there, listening to them laugh, and you're just... silent. Because you're dead serious. What if you're feeling this profound, full-body frustration that this isn't a joke, it's just... a bad design. A missing part of your body.

No one ever says that part out loud. You can't. You're supposed to be happy with the factory settings. You're supposed to "love the skin you're in."

​It reminds me...

​You know that other thing girls do? The "joking" friend-hump? Where one of you grabs the other from behind, usually when you're both laughing, and just... does the motion.

​It's supposed to be stupid. A joke about, "Haha, We're a man and a woman."

​But I remember this one time... my friend was in front of me, we I just did it. Grabbed her hips, pulled her back against me and did it as friends did but...

​And the second I did it.

​My brain just... clicked.

​It wasn't a joke. I wasn't laughing. Everything in my head went quiet.

​It was the position. Being the one behind. Being the one holding. Being the one... driving.

​The motion itself... it wasn't even... sexual, not really. It was... logical. It was correct. It felt like my body was finally doing the one thing it was actually built to do. Like for half a second, the hardware finally matched the software. A girl with a missing part.

​I wasn't lost.

​It was... perfect.

​And then, of course, she twisted around laughing, and the moment just... shattered. It was over. It was just a "stupid joke" to her.

​But I just stood there, my heart beating with comfort.

​That's the feeling. That's the 'feature not available' error I'm always talking about.

My whole life, I've felt like I'm running on a correct operating system that just doesn't match "that" hardware. It's this constant, low-grade static under my skin. This feeling of being inefficient. Like I was given the wrong user manual, or just the wrong tools entirely.

And then, just to make it extra fun, my bisexuality gets tossed into the mix.

It’s like my brain is running two conflicting programs at once.

I'll see this girl. Just... incredible. Smart, funny, radiant, and so soft in a way I admire. And I get this deep, painful ache that I can't...experience her the way she likes. The way I like.

Then I'll see her with some guy. Just... some guy. And the feeling I get... it's not just, "Oh, I wish she was with me instead."

It's this complex, ugly, primal jealousy. I'm jealous of her, for being so effortlessly what she is. But I'm also profoundly, angrily jealous of him.

I'm jealous that he's the one who gets to... do that. Y'know...get people? The... function of it. The specific, biological role he gets to play. The part where he gets to provide in a way that is just... He has the feature. I don't. It's a "feature not available on your model" error, and it makes me want to scream. I don't want to be a man or have a mans frame but... I want to have that... but as me.

I'll even admit... sometimes I go looking for it.

​Down those specific digital rabbit holes, you know the ones. The art. The... impossible bodies. Girls who are girls in every way I love, but... they have the feature. Tall, muscular, all the boys/girls at their disposal, and The 'hardware'.

​And I'll just... stare. In the dark.

​And the whole depraved time, my brain is doing this sick little flip. I become her for the only time possible.

​I'm thinking, "I want to be her."

​I want to be the one who can be strong and still... give like that. Who can provide in that... specific, physical way. It’s this deep, coiling ache in my gut, this... wrongness. Because I'm stuck here, just watching and wanting, when I should be the one who does. I should be the one in control. I should be the one with the... tools.

​And then I just feel... pathetic. weaker.

Then, my brain short-circuits.

Because I'll look at a guy I'm into, and I'm simultaneously mad that he's not... softer. More fem. But I'm also intensely, bitterly jealous of his... strength.

The fact that he's probably taller. The fact that he's stronger. (Yes, we're back on the strength thing. I'm always back on the strength thing).

He's chosen to be the default. The "powerful" one. And I am stuck.

I am so, so tired of being the loser girl. I don't want to be protected. I want to be the one doing the protecting. I don't want to be the one who gets "taken care of." I want to be the one doing the taking care of. I want to be the one they lean on. I want to be the alpha to someones omega. I want to be seen as a man is. I want to win tournaments, look smarter. Be everthing someone isn't.I want to be the one who can literally lift them and carry them out of a problem. I want to be the one who can... provide. In every sense of the word.

The endless nights of thinking, crying, cutting, repeating. It's all so... tiring.

Maybe one day technology can help me feel complete.

[orangeforgirls]

I wish saying anything about my disphoria wouldn't be instantly seen as nsfw, much like artistic nudity in a sense.

I literally want to be able to say: I want a dick!

It's not: I want dick!

...swearing? Maybe I should've used the word penis instead...

[girldeeer]

kinda anxious abt my appointment on the 6th. i worry they'll deny my stuff bc my situation is kinda unorthodox: i'm seeking t blockers + hair removal + double mastectomy + hysterectomy + phallo without vnectomy. not on t and don't wanna be (clearly). what if they think the things i want are contradictory ?

trying to tell myself they're not here to judge and are just trying to help...

[girldeeer]

i talked abt it to my gf, and she said that if i just tell them how much i want these things, tell em i'm nonbinary abt it or smth, then it'll probably be ok

my identity is rly just "girl" and i hate having that questioned, but i think it's the path of least resistance. it's worth the discomfort to have a body i'm comfortable in

[girldeeer]

kinda anxious abt my appointment on the 6th. i worry they'll deny my stuff bc my situation is kinda unorthodox: i'm seeking t blockers + hair removal + double mastectomy + hysterectomy + phallo without vnectomy. not on t and don't wanna be (clearly). what if they think the things i want are contradictory ?

trying to tell myself they're not here to judge and are just trying to help...

[girldeeer]

got around to calling kaiser abt the hair removal referral today. the phone tree was so confusing >___< there were 4 options:

info abt procedures, seeing a gender therapist, letters of recommendation, etc

hrt options

seeing a "lgbt aware" gp

general inquiries

so the first time, i chose the first option, bc that seemed to be the most applicable. but then, i was asked if i was calling abt my appointment on the 6th. when i said no, i was given 3 options. i can't remember what exactly they were, but had smth to do with going to therapy, and weren't what i wanted at all

i hung up and told my gf i was having trouble, so she tried calling them too, going thru the same motions i did. when that didn't work, we tried again. i'm pretty sure we tried option 4. they were busy so i left a voicemail. will post an update once they get back to me.

making phone calls is getting progressively less nerve-wracking the more i do it. i'm proud of myself for making progress :3

[girldeeer]

it's 5... i feel like they should've gotten back to me by now ? idk what could possibly be taking them so long... when we go in for my gf's electrolysis maybe we'll ask abt it

[girldeeer]

so they finally got back to me and said for me to bring it up at my appointment on the 6th. partially annoyed bc it feels like i wasted my time, but at least now i know to bring it up at the appointment...

[girldeeer]

got around to calling kaiser abt the hair removal referral today. the phone tree was so confusing >___< there were 4 options:

info abt procedures, seeing a gender therapist, letters of recommendation, etc

hrt options

seeing a "lgbt aware" gp

general inquiries

so the first time, i chose the first option, bc that seemed to be the most applicable. but then, i was asked if i was calling abt my appointment on the 6th. when i said no, i was given 3 options. i can't remember what exactly they were, but had smth to do with going to therapy, and weren't what i wanted at all

i hung up and told my gf i was having trouble, so she tried calling them too, going thru the same motions i did. when that didn't work, we tried again. i'm pretty sure we tried option 4. they were busy so i left a voicemail. will post an update once they get back to me.

making phone calls is getting progressively less nerve-wracking the more i do it. i'm proud of myself for making progress :3

[girldeeer]

it's 5... i feel like they should've gotten back to me by now ? idk what could possibly be taking them so long... when we go in for my gf's electrolysis maybe we'll ask abt it

[girldeeer]

got around to calling kaiser abt the hair removal referral today. the phone tree was so confusing >___< there were 4 options:

info abt procedures, seeing a gender therapist, letters of recommendation, etc

hrt options

seeing a "lgbt aware" gp

general inquiries

so the first time, i chose the first option, bc that seemed to be the most applicable. but then, i was asked if i was calling abt my appointment on the 6th. when i said no, i was given 3 options. i can't remember what exactly they were, but had smth to do with going to therapy, and weren't what i wanted at all

i hung up and told my gf i was having trouble, so she tried calling them too, going thru the same motions i did. when that didn't work, we tried again. i'm pretty sure we tried option 4. they were busy so i left a voicemail. will post an update once they get back to me.

making phone calls is getting progressively less nerve-wracking the more i do it. i'm proud of myself for making progress :3