John Mulaney Quotes {Sentence Starters}
“That’s illegal.”
“And that’s my WIFE!”
“This is the height of luxury!”
“Your opinion doesn’t matter.”
“Shut up! You’re all gonna die!“
“Why?…Why do you do this…?“
“I’m new in town and it gets worse.“
“I lived like a goddamn ninja turtle.”
“Oh, we’re gonna freak out so bad.”
“I don’t look older, I just look worse.“
“You know how I’m filled with rage?”
“I need everyone to like me so much!”
“Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.“
“I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.”
“And I said ‘no’… You know, like a liar.”
“Adult life is already so goddamn weird.“
“First off, get out of here with your facts.”
“I think I can get them to budge, let’s go.”
“No! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!”
“I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.“
“We were little goblins. We were terrible.”
“Now, we don’t have time to unpack all that.“
“Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.“
“I was just shiny, and dumb, and easy to trick.”
“I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.“
“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.“
“Brush your teeth, now BOOM, orange juice! That’s life.”
“Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken.”
“ I’m so horny and angry all the time, and I have no outlet.“
“That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking horse.”
“She’s a dynamite bitch and she’s the best. She’s my hero.“
“In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”
“Whoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child!”
“We started chanting, ‘McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s!‘“
“I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then, one day, I’ll die.“
“Then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.“
“Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die.”
“Just ‘cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting…”
“I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?‘”
“You are never too young to learn our national ‘no snitching’ policy.“
“You know those days when you’re like ‘this might as well happen’?”
“Something happened here. You hope it’s a miracle, but probably not.“
“Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.“
“And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said, ‘It’s perfume.’ And it was.“
“I try to stay optimistic… even though, I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.”
“I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.“
“It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them.”
“And everyone else joined in. A hundred drunk, white children yelling ‘fuck da police’!”
“I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.“
“My vibe is like, ‘hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you’.”
“I am very small and I have no money… so, you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”
“The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”
“They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.“
“I quit drinking because I used to drink too much… then I would black out and I would ruin parties.”
“If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word.”
“College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?’“
“Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks, and I will totally kill that guy for you.”
“I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.“
