A couple nights ago i was doing a FaceTime happy hour with my friends and in passing i said that i had had a miscarriage. i haven’t said that out loud very often it it just slipped out.
All i had left to do was take the pregnancy test and make the appointment. It was 16 days past my expected period, and just like me, my body is timely, we wait for nothing. I woke up and got dressed for a sorority event that required a WHITE dress.
It wasn’t like the experience i had was extremely traumatic. i wasn’t trying to be pregnant, i in no way wanted to be pregnant, and i had already looked up abortion clinics.
i made it through the ritual but was dizzy, probably from not having an adequate breakfast. It was raining as we left the area and all of a sudden i felt so sick. It was like there was a claw inside my abdomen twisting my insides and pulling them in opposite directions; my stomach was in my throat and everything else was falling out. i rushed to my car and got the person i was carpooling with home. The next 20 minutes i had the worst nausea and cramps, and i already stay home 1-2 days a month due to cramps. i tried to put my cup in but i was so tight and it was so painful i put on a pad. 20 minutes later i already had to wash it. i switched to disposable pads because i was in so much pain and didn’t want to keep washing the reusable pads... i went through 10 pads in 8 hours.
i tried to take ibuprofen for the cramps and it didn’t work, i soaked in the bath for 20 minutes but the water got a little bloody, i tried yoga for cramps, a banana, water... anything.
Throughout this i cried. i mourned the life that wouldn’t be. The life i could have had. My maternity may be a choice, but it is not an easy one. It is a choice i cry over, it is a choice i struggle with. It is a choice i blame myself for.
