Greetings, foolish denizens of Tumblr! I, DANKY KONG, Licensed Hog-Stealer and Level-E, Jokelore professor at the Darwin Institute of Hy-Yi-Yi, have migrated from the fowlest depths of Discord and Reddit to bring you a fascinating and seasonally appropriate file from the vagaries of the Darwin Institute. I bid all of you heathens a glorious Australia Day void of bushfires, feral rabbits, and political tension.
Creature Files: Bunyip
Place of Origin: Southern Australia
Habitat: Swamps, lakes, waterholes, or any landlocked water-body
Class: ???
Threat Level: XXXX (High)
The Australian bush is home to many strange and fearsome creatures, many of which are found nowhere else on the planet. From the dreaded Emu, a birdlike monster responsible for one of the bloodiest wars in human history, to the repulsive, frankensteinian Platypus, to the vast array of venomous snakes and spiders that lurk within the aussie underbrush. Among these terrifying creatures that call the dreaded under-down their home, lurks the enigmatic and elusive Bunyip, a beast so terrifying it could make the mighty Old Nick wet his trousers prematurely.
Unlike many creatures we list here, who can be at least partially classified into some kind of classification system, be it taxonomical or otherwise, some beings simply defy all logic. The Bunyip appears to be one such creature, as its anatomy and physical description is fickle to say the least. Some say the bunyip resembles some kind of pinniped with flippers, whiskers, and a flat face comparable to a bulldog, pug, or owl. Others however, are adamant it's a long-necked creature with wrinkly skin, a horelike-mane, and an equine or avian head. Other accounts describe it as being a giant starfish, a nessie clone, a shaggy, carnivorous cow, a clinically depressed, napsack-toting chimera, a snake-tongued, pig-nosed, big-eyed ogre thing, a beaked crocodile, or literally any description you can think of. The one feature that is consistent with bunyip reports (give or take) would be its behavior. The Bunyip lives in landlocked bodies of water. Bunyips are ravenous predators, mostly foraging for crayfish, as well as human women and children (though some sources say it was an herbivore). Bunyips tended to create underwater or riverside dens called Gunyah by aboriginal peoples. The Bunyip is mostly heard rather than seen, as it marks its vast territory by emitting deep, loud, bellows. Anyone foolhardy enough to ignore the bunyips warnings are quickly devoured or drowned in floods the bunyip conjures up. If one is to encounter a wild Bunyip (which you should in no way be in the position to do so), it is advised to curl on the ground in a fetal position and hope for the inevitable, for escape or defense from the bunyip is entirely futile. It is also strongly disadvised that one steals a bunyips calf, as this may result from the erasing of you and your community off the face of the earth.
As with most cryptids, much of the blinkered scientific board and general public do not believe the bunyip to exist, chalking it up to being nothing more than a misidentified mundane animal or purley mythical being. Personally I find this explanation to be absolute bullshit and is merely a cop out as to fit in to their conservative worldview. After five whole minutes of rigorous research, I have concluded that the bunyip may be of the esoteric, lovecraftian persuasion. Its physical form is so inconceivable to the euclidean human mind, that it simply fills in the blanks with whatever bits and pieces it can conjure. But of course, until the racist old bastard himself rises from the dead to confirm my suspicions, there can be no way to truly validate this.
This year, during your Australia day sacrifice to Old Nick and his malignant colonialist forces, remember to raise a bottle to the Bunyip, a metaphysical reminder of why we should spend time with those we love instead of screwing around in billabongs aimlessly.
