God Checks Likes

not a religious blog

[godcheckslikes]

jan 16

It’s Monday my dudes.

And this weekend was pretty good.

Before the breakup, I was staying in all weekend every weekend, and this weekend I was out everyday. It’s taking a toll on my body but it was all worth it.

Friday I went to a club with a group of friends. Most of them are in relationships, so I was the only one dancing and talking to people. I also did acid, which loosened me up socially.

I forgot how easy it is to catch someone’s eye as a girl. Before I’d be dodging eye contact like it was a sport, because a glance at the right time is a good enough cue for most guys to assume you’re into them. At one point I was just walking to the back of the bar, and as I stepped past someone I smiled and said “excuse me” and he grabbed my arm (not aggressively) and said “I love you.” Lol. Just like that someone’s telling me they love me again.

I ended up dancing with a tall guy who asked if I wanted to get out of there. My friends were either leaving or already gone, so I said sure. I ended up staying the night and for most of the next day, just getting to know this stranger and talking about our lives. It was nice to connect with someone new and learn some things I didn’t know. I did the walk of shame home in the same clothes I was wearing the night before, but I felt like my old self. I missed her.

Saturday I went to another bar with another guy. He ubered me there, bought all my drinks, and even though we danced and made out a lot, he didn’t try to take me home. He twirled me around, made sure I had fun, and then got me an uber back to my place at the end of the night. Not to sound narcissictic or anything, but I feel weird when a guy doesn’t make a move on the first date. I’m the kind of girl that fucks on the first date if I want to, so when they don’t try anything, I wonder if they didn’t like me or something. I have to remind myself that some guys are “gentlemen” or just take things slower than I tend to. He’s already texted asking when we can hangout again so clearly my worries were unfounded.

I took it easy Sunday during the day as I was pretty sore and hungover from the previous nights. And just because it was a worknight didn’t stop me from going on one more date Sunday night.

This one I was really excited for. I never thought that I would end up with my “dream man” in any way. I’ve always felt like I could never quite land the guys I was really, really attracted to maybe because of my size, my awkwardness, my lack of frilly, dainty femininity, but when I downloaded Hinge I made it my goal to only match with absolute 10s in my eyes. My Sunday night date was just that, he cooks, plays in a band, is covered in tattoos, has the cutest big brown eyes, and is significantly taller than me. He’s the kind of guy that I wouldn’t be able to talk to if he approached me. Even when I first sat down at our table I felt myself stuttering and stammering trying to ask where he’s from and what he does in his free time. But it actually went great. We had so much in common and the conversation flowed so naturally. It seemed like we both had a lot to say and a lot to ask. I’m a big fan of making plans before the current plans are even over, and we decided on our second date just as we wrapped up the first. I’ll be seeing him this weekend, and he’s going to cook for me. How cute?

It's pretty typical that Monday morning I get a text from my ex. He just wants to pick up the stuff he left at my apartment but I don’t want to see him. Not because I hate him, more because I definitely still love him, and I’m still sad that things ended.

In a rage one night I wrote in black sharpie all over his white jeans. I wrote “I’m a cheater” “I cheated on my girlfriend” and things along those lines everywhere. I figured it was a pretty tame outburst considering I just wanted to throw his stuff down the garbage shoot. But now that it’s been a few days I’m starting to regret it. As much as him and I both know he fucked up, I feel bad about making him feel bad.

He apologized more, and told me he misses me. I didn’t tell him that I miss him too, or that I sit alone now and cry thinking about how much better it would be if he was there. He told me he wants me back, but I couldn’t answer that message. Too painful still.

Anyways, I have another date tonight. I’m trying not to think about him all the time and distractions help. I’m going to toss the jeans in the wash to see if I can get the sharpie out before I give them back to him.

 Wish me luck.

[godcheckslikes]

jan 13

It was a rough week.

The break-up was Tuesday morning, and getting through that day without crying at my desk was a challenge. I even ended up “working from home” the rest of the week because I was so depressed.

I had planned to take part in dry January. I didn’t tell anyone, because honestly I didn’t and still don’t want people knowing that I’m trying to cut back on drinking. No one would probably say anything, but that’s because no one knows how bad it actually is.

I was proud of myself for not drinking as soon as I got home Tuesday. Even more proud of myself for not drinking all day long Wednesday and Thursday. Though it was in my fridge the whole time, I didn’t reach for a drink until Friday around 9pm.

I’d gone grocery shopping, donated some old clothes, rearranged some wall décor, and finished some projects I’d been meaning to do around my apartment. I even made myself a healthy dinner of chicken lettuce wraps. (Who is she?)  I was feeling more like my independent self, so I rewarded myself with a singular Palm Bay.

I don’t know if it was the lack of carbs or the lack of alcohol in my system for once, but after a few sips I started feeling even more like myself. I went online to my favourite dating site and checked my messages.

I had a simple “hello” message from a man who then asked if I was free tonight. He was surprisingly in my city for the night for work and was feeling spontaneous, and my old(ish) reckless ways bubbled to the surface. We only exchanged about 10 messages altogether, but it ended with me chugging the Palm Bay while I curled my hair.

He ubered me to his hotel and asked if I wanted to go up to the room first or go for drinks. I tend to some liquid courage in order to talk to anyone new one-on-one and face-to-face, so I told him I was thirsty and we walked around the corner to a restaurant/bar. We each knocked back four beers while talking about our lives, our similarities, our differences.

I always hate when you get out of a relationship and go from talking about your deepest and strangest thoughts, your wildest hopes and dreams, and your most intimate fears and desires - to talking about your favourite colour, or your last vacation, or what hockey team your root for. It’s not that I don’t like meeting new people and learning about them, it just feels like a daunting task sometimes.

But I actually had a really great time. One perk of dating sugar daddies is they do tend to have amazing stories and life experiences. They’ve been to countries I’ve never heard of, met people I’ve always wanted to, and they offer to take me next time. I haven’t followed up on any offers yet, but I hope to meet someone who will share some of that with me.

A misconception I’ve noticed about sugar daddy dating is that the men are all old, fat, smelly, and ugly. People call them pervs and creeps and NO DOUBT some are – maybe even most – but the men I’ve met have been good looking guys, maybe a few pounds overweight but hey so am I. (I need a big boy, anyways, according to SZA.)

Anyways, I have another date on Tuesday with someone else who IS a big boy. Wish me luck!

[godcheckslikes]

I feel like I'm 13 years old again

Laying in my bed awake at 2am

Dreading the 6am alarm

Knowing I can't just call in sick because I already did that yesterday

I got out of that hole

More than a decade later it feels like I'm falling back in

I'm typing to ghosts and crying to god

I'm visualizing my death like a final destination movie

And my life flashes before my eyes and it's the worst film I've ever seen

A character that develops nothing but bad habits, all the best sidekicks and love interests are written off, and there's so many hours of darkness

And you can't pay me to watch the sequel because it's already too depressing to look back on a life you're not proud of, a life with nothing to show for

There's two kinds of people in this world - people who get to enjoy it and people who don't

[godcheckslikes]

jan 3 / 22

Today I broke up with my boyfriend of a year. We just celebrated Christmas, his birthday, and New Years together, but now it’s all over.

I had to hold back tears at work, and my voice shook every time I spoke today. We’ve had fights before but I told myself that if this same issue were to come up again, I’d just leave. It did come up again, and after sleeping on it a couple nights, I decided to let him know that I was finished.

I’ve only really broken up with someone once before. Most of my relationships are flings that I either ghost or friendzone, but this time was different. And just because I was the one to end it, doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

Once the conversation ended I immediately was hit with regret. I knew this meant the end of the good morning texts, the end of junk food and Netflix binges, and the end of waking up wrapped in someone’s arms. Even in this moment, on my commute home from work he would be texting me. I keep looking at my phone to see if there’s a message from him. It’s the end of that security, at least for a while, but the thought of getting to know someone on that level yet again is too painful to think about right now.

I think the worst part is that I know I did it because I’m insecure. I shouldn’t be threatened by the videos of girls he likes on Tik Tok, and I probably could have shaken off the texts with his ex-girlfriend. But I’m too scared of being hurt any further that this seemed like a good time to bow out.

I wish things were different. I wish I hadn’t let myself get buried so deeply by other relationships that little things get blown out of proportion. I wish I hadn’t lost a best-friend in a break-up that has made me isolate myself more. I wish I listened to people when they tell me who they are.

Part of me wishes I didn’t grow up in this generation with all the access to information, including your partners, and seeing the paper trail of evidence so easily. But the other part of me is grateful I do have this technology, because things could go on forever behind my back when I’d rather know the truth. It’s so hard to navigate relationships that I just feel like I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than have to worry about secrets.

Break ups for me have always felt so detrimental. It was like my life was falling apart and it felt like I’d my first binever be able to put it back together. Of all my long-term relationships, I only told my mom about 3, but I cried every damn time things ended. I wonder if this has something to do with growing up in a family of divorce. I had always been searching for stability and security, and that’s what my relationships provided for me. Breaking up with someone or being dumped brings back feelings that I’m not sure I can even put into words. Abandonment? Giving up? I know that it’s the reason I stay in unhealthy relationships longer than I know I should. I never want to go through the dividing of assets or custody battles, even if it’s just over a joint Netflix account. It just kills me.

Anyways, I’m probably going to go back to dating sugar daddies for a while. I’ll get some fancy dinners, stay at some luxury hotels, and do some retail therapy to distract myself.