goddogcomplex @goddogcomplex - Tumblr Blog

Crush

TW: mention of self harm

It’s scary, the way that sly smile can render me so helpless, leaving me grinning at the wind in my face as I stare out the window to hide my blush. That mop of hair bouncing around so dynamically, as if you were a cartoon character and not mortal like the rest of us. You’ve changed, since the last time I met you. You’re more confident, in how you allow yourself to be seen so easily, your physical appearance no longer mortifying to yourself. Your front tooth is broken, the bottom uneven but rounded from years of use. Like a window into your soul, every time you grin.

Your glasses are still comically large,, but strangely fitting your long face. You always slouch, hands held delicately in front of you, arms pressed to your sides. You seem so different, and it seems impossible for anyone to change drastically in a few months. Or maybe it’s simply my perception of you that has changed, maybe I’m not so harsh on you anymore.

And the same comments that you made a few months ago that outraged me are nowhere to be found. And now I’m stuck here, waiting for a sign. A sign that you are the same person I used to detest with every fibre of my mind, body and soul. But I have changed too, no longer bold enough to probe and prod you into an argument. And it has occurred to me, that even if you hold those values, it would make almost no difference to me.

And for that, I can never forgive you. With your strange charm that I should find ridiculous, I am left questioning where all my unshakable morals have disappeared to, Where has that girl gone, who used to get so fired up while you answered lazily?

Perhaps it is a sign, that the war inside me is over. That I am more self assured, more rooted. Maybe I just don’t care enough anymore.

I wonder if you catch me staring at your nape, eyes heavy with sleep as I try to figure you out. Or if you ever look at me as I crane my neck to catch a glimpse of the gecko that perches outside our classroom’s window, wondering what I could possibly be doing. Have you ever caught yourself looking at the strange way my white shirts puffs up around my skirt, as I hurriedly tug on it. I hope you have.

Because all I can notice is the way you close your eyes as you sit in the corner, playing some kind of game of chance. And when I get closer, I realise you’re trying your hardest to figure out the outcome of a football match. Or when you wait for teachers to correct your notebooks, towering over them as you nervously fidget with your fingers. Or how it sometimes occurs to me that you’ve never moved to adjust your thick black hair, your fringe sitting oddly after you play, making you look like a mushroom. Or the way you light up with joy when you tell your team about the new jersey your mom bought you, or the seriousness in your eyes when you tell me the importance of maintaining your cleats.

I hope with everything I have that you don’t know about that.

…

I have granted myself three months of turmoil. Three months of desperately unravelling at every loose thread of my personality, of my previously unshakeable self-assurance. I am undone, and you know no better of it. And I stand, with the ash of the worlds I burned inside my own mind falling to my feet, with an overwhelming realisation that I was wrong. Wrong in the foolish way I hoped that you had a moment's attention for me, a moment to turn me over in your mind. Wrong in the reality I convinced myself of that portrayed you as the oblivious picture-perfect main character, as you got less oblivious when you saw me.

And all I can do is thank myself for allowing myself no humiliation, for keeping every thought silent. This drastic change in opinion will be mine alone, and no one will ever believe it if they were told of this. Because it is unbelievable. It is unbelievable of the lies I conceived to justify anything and everything you did, no matter how questionable.

It is, perhaps, agreeable to forgive myself for this. Forgive myself for those three months of turmoil, of constantly questioning everything I did, for constantly analysing every word you said to me. You have friends, I am not one of them.

It still comes as a shock to me, how I played off you decreeing my every faith as a lack of reasoning and thought to a mere difference in thought. A difference in thought is when two people like their eggs cooked differently. What you and I had was not a mild disagreement, it was an earth-shattering disregard of an entire community of people on your side, and a foolishly blind justification on mine.

I hope I can one day tell you this.

…

Oddly enough, I have made some sort of peace with you–a friendship, of kinds. I have made my peace, I have accepted that this all I will get. When you text me, I don’t panic. I no longer worry about how you perceive me, because I know you don’t care. Last night, I had a panic attack. Shaking and panting, sunken to the bathroom floor. The hard marble cradled me, and my knuckles whitened at how tightly I gripped my phone. Trying to calm down, trying to get the tears to fall and the tension behind my nose to release–I texted you. A flurry of messages, about something meaningless and inconsequential.

You had no way of knowing what was happening, and I didn’t trust myself enough to say anything. So instead, I listened to your jabber and let myself cling to the words on my screen. And you may be a terrible person, with messed up ideas. And you may be moronic, and stupid, and every other synonym in the dictionary. And I may hate myself for it, for ever looking at you with anything but indifference–but I can’t help it.

Last night, without ever realising it, you pulled me out of my own head. You grabbed me by the hand, and pulled and pulled until I was sure my wrist would snap–and I came out the other side, my breath steadier and my hands less shaky.

I hate you, and I hate myself too. Except I know that I could never hate you, and I hate myself even more for it. And I hope one day, long after we meet for the last time, long after we part ways on good terms, I will meet you again. I will meet you again and I will be able to tell you how hopelessly enamoured I was by you, and you will forgive me for it.

I pray I am in your class next year, so I can have a little more time staring at the back of your head and hating myself for it.

…

I can grudgingly admit now–we are friends. To some extent, in some situations. I do not acknowledge you outside of the bus we share, but within–we are friends. It’s undeniable, in every form. And it pains me, that we are friends. It pains me, to be allowed to talk to you and ask you questions and receive answers. Because now I have seen what I might’ve had, in another universe.

You’re sadder now. More sombre, your grief about the world changing enveloping you. I forget, sometimes, how long its been since I’ve come to terms with this fact that you are being introduced to now. The fact that people move on, even if you don’t. That it’s never easy. I took it better than you did.

If I had the power, I’d vanish every sharp object that ever came your way, surrounding you with just circles and softness. So I wouldn’t have to look at the canvas of red on your arm, and feel your grief collide with mine.

“I can’t take it anymore.”

That’s what you said. And I realised, I know nothing about you. Two years I’ve known you, in varying degrees of intimacy, and I know absolutely nothing about you. I am no closer to figuring out how your mind works than I ever was.

I hate you. But also, I know with every fibre of my being that I could never hate you. And for that, I hate myself.

I hope I never forget you, and I wish I never knew you at all.

…

I am flawed. I am self-obsessed, and vain, and attenyion seeking. And I am a liar. I lie, and I lie, and I lie. I lie to make myself seem more interesting, and I lie to convince myself I am alright. I change, metamorphosising to fit right with the people I am with. I know now, that I am none of these things. I am wretched, and miserable, and if I wasn’t so subconsciously filled to the brim with propriety, I would crumple to the floor and sob. Not over you. Or myself. Or anything in particular, really. I am unravelling. I am unravelling, not because I am sad, because I am discovering the depth of this sorrow. What am I sad about?

You are as fascinating as ever. You seem happier now, your arms unmarked. Some days I can do little more than sink to the shower floor and let the water fill my eyes-my ears-my mouth-my nose. I am trying to drown in an inch of water, and am frustrated when it doesn’t work.

I am hungry these days. I like the feeling, the ache, the desperation. The desire–for anything. I snack on almonds, and carrots, and cucumbers–doused in dressing. And I am discontent when I realise how little I weigh. I dont think it’s about being thin, but I also don’t know what it is about. Maybe I just wish someone would dote on me, tell me to eat more. Notice when I give away my lunches. Forget to drink water for hours. You would notice, in another universe.

#crush

Jazz?

Jazz recommendations for anyone and everyone.

So, you wanna start listening to jazz? But you want to listen to interesting artists who you may or may not have heard before? Fusion jazz, you say? Experimental sound, you probe? well, well, have I got a little something extra special for you.

Hello, goobers! Let's talk about some of my favourite jazz albums and artists! YAY

Also, I'll be linking all the albums/artists down below--to either their spotify or youtube(sometimes i cant find it on spotify)

Shabaka and the Ancestors: Alrighty, so these guys are amazing. Like, seriously avant-garde type music, and honestly just so smooth on your ears(like much of jazz). Start off with the album 'Wisdom of Elders', it's borderline spiritual it's that yummy.

Shibusashirazu: A Japanese jazz orchestra, these guys have one of the most interesting sounds I have heard in a while. Chitei records described them as a 'multimedia jazz orchestra'. They draw on a lot of contemporary Japanese culture, and I really think they're worth a listen. One of my favourite albums is Shibuboshi, but I couldn't for the life of me find it on spotify.(i'll link the youtube). Unfortunately, finding their stuff isn't easy and a little confusing, so honestly just listen to whatever you can find, there's a lot of live performances on youtube. I will link their 2006 album's spotify link though, so you can find it easier.

John Coltrane: You simply can't go wrong with John Coltrane. One of the most influential jazz musicians of his time, he has a TON of music available easily, all of it very good. Start out with 'A Love Supreme' if you like, but tbh you could start anywhere and not go wrong. If you like him, his wife Alicia Coltrane also has some absolutely excellent stuff. I recommend her 'Journey in Satchidanada'.

Miles Davis: Another classic, everything is an absolute banger. 'Kind of Blue' was probably one of his greatest hits, and definitely worth a listen. 'Relaxin' With the Miles Davis Quintet' is one that really hits hard, and if you can try listening to the live performances. If you want to know more about Davis, there is a website dedicated to him which is really well made, really nice.

Snarky Puppy: Snarky Puppy have made waves in the jazz corner of the world, with very unique sounds. They aren't exactly jazz, they aren't exactly fusion--but they have some seriously good music. Give their album 'Culcha Vulcha' a listen.

Yussef Kamaal: Some more edible modern fusion jazz, the album 'Black Focus' is just great. Ten tracks, all available on spotify, all bangers. It's been described as 'a seamless weave of spiritual jazz funk'. A lot of the band's influences are garage pop, hip-hop, post Joe Harriott jazz--and to me, that was all pretty alluring. The song 'Mansur's Message' was one of my personal favourites, but to be honest there isn't one skip in the entire album.

Sonny Sharrock: Another wonderful artist, I specifically wanted to mention his album 'Black Woman'. Sharrock's known for his lyricism, and honestly if you're listening to any of the albums here, it should be this.

Billy Cobham: Another icon, I wrote his name here SOLELY for the album 'Spectrum' which I have been just obsessed with. He also has a great ton of other stuff which is great, give him a listen.

Alrighty, this is all I would recommend for now--this is hours and hours of listening material. Have fun, shark babies, I hope you become that obnoxious girl who makes everyone jealous from how much you feel the music. I have more recommendations, so pls ask if you want. My next recommendations list will probably be rock, or a closer look at one of the bands I listen to obsessively, but we'll see.

BYEBYE HAVE FUN

LINKS

'Wisdom of Elders' by Shabaka and the Ancestors:

'Shibusashirazu' on Spotify:

Shibusashirazu Live at Shangri-La on Youtube:

'A Love Supreme' by John Coltrane on Spotify:

'Journey in Satchidanada' by Alicia Coltrane on Spotify:

'Relaxin With the Miles Davis Quintet' on Spotify:

'Culcha Vulcha' by Snarky Puppy:

'Black Focus' by Yussef Kamaal:

'Black Woman' by Sonny Sharrock:

'Spectrum' by Billy Cobham:

That's all the links! Have fun!

Music: How To Listen

alright, you little goobers, its time to talk about music. what about it, you ask, in your tinny little voices. worry not, shark babies, i will tell you what. as an experienced music listener myself, i can understand that many of you babies are lost and confused. and its alright, okay? its easy to get lost in a world where taylor swift exists alongside as rammstein.

so, you're wondering--how do i get cool points through my music? firstly, dont do that. to get cool points, you ought not to seek cool points. but here are my music recs. probably none of these are underground and are actually pretty popular, but i do not accept bitter shark babies, only the sweet, joyful ones.

tldr: music recs for you desperate shark babies

p.s: I've added the link to all albums/artists at the bottom(mostly on spotify)

Radiohead: First, let me clarify, I am a girl. I've heard sooo many people make jokes about Ooh, Radiohead is for loser incel men. NO. radiohead is for all genders of incels. now, Radiohead's great. love them, make stickers of them. but what songs should you start out with? Ok, personally, I love everything. e v e r y t h i n g. but, I understand you may not be able to reach my levels of obsession and insanity. thats okay! it's not healthy! now, I recommend listening to them album-wise. start with either 'The Bends' or 'In Rainbows'. 'ok computer' is a solid choice too, but I would save it for later in your obsession. Have fun, my little shark babies, you will be sad. (Ik these are really basic and vague choices but these are recs for people seeking to get into new music)

Big Thief: Alright, chances are, many of you have heard them. If you have, gold star. ⭐. If you haven't, but you desperately crave the validation of me, a stranger and your shark mother, go listen to them. Right now, I love them. Again, they are a little bit slower and a little sadder. So, if that's not your thing, wait until later on the list, alright? If you're only starting to listen to them, I recommend going with one of their more popular albums--'Masterpiece'. They also have a single, 'Vampire Empire', which makes me go feral every time it plays. If you like the, keep exploring their discography, and come collect your gold star.

Le Tigre: Woah, nelly, this band. (who even is Nelly?) Okay, so Le Tigre has this wild ability of just filling me with a slight manicness, iykwim? I will bet 20 cents that you have heard Deceptacon(I'm broke), although you might not know the name. With them, just go to their profile on Spotify, play it on shuffle, and sacrifice your soul to the gods. Have fun, Pookie!

A Tribe Called Quest: As someone who listens to very little hip-hop, I have been told by my more cultured friends that this is hip-hop. I love it. So much. An album of theirs I adore is 'The Low End Theory' which has one of my favourite songs ever, 'Jazz We Got'

The Departures: Okay, these guys are genuinely unknown to the world. Like, they have some 5k listeners. I love them. They have a couple of albums, and you absolutely should go listen. They're kind of chaotic and messy and twirly, but in the best ways possible. Listen to the album 'Yes No Maybe' first, because it is the genuine love of my life. They also released an album this year, 'Hourglass' which is also seriously good. Like, really good.

my bloody valentine: NOW HEAR ME OUT. I understand that their name sounds like its a bunch of emo vampires who are really just middle schoolers with fake teeth on. So there's a genre of music called shoegaze(similar to Cocteau Twins if you know them) which is really just soft, kind of ethereal music where you can't really decipher the words. I will be making another post on just shoegaze, but their album 'loveless' is an excellent place to start. it's just great. go listen.

John Coltrane: Now, the only way to describe John Coltrane is a prayer through jazz. Like, it's a totally spiritual experience. Again, will be doing a little post on jazz, but John Coltrane is iconic. 'A Love Supreme' is a great place to start, I also like 'Ascension' Genuinely iconic, will alter your brain chemistry. Go, shark babes, listen.

Bikini Hill: If you liked Le Tigre's 'Deceptacon', you will love their 'Pussy Whipped'. Very similar vibe, I've been told its called riot girl, which sounds iconic. Anyways, seriously vibey music, go listen right this second.

The Newfound Interest in Connecticut: Y'all, midwest emo is my jam! I mean, whiny little voices in my ear, hell yeah! Okay, so Is specifically mentioned this band for their album 'Tell Me About The Long Dark Path Home', which is simply edible. Yeah, these guys like their long ass names. But anyways, go listen!!!

Minor Threat: These guys are punk. Listen to their album 'First Two Seven Inches'. it's a great place to start. If you like them, I will find some time to make a punk rec post too, but to be honest I need to explore the genre more. So y'all have fun now!

Okay, ten bands, guys. All iconic, if you ask me. Like I said, I'm going to be making a bunch more of these. Please, please, please, please, please send me recommendations, tell me what to write about, show me some love. accept me, good people, please. ANWYAYS, BYE BYE! MWAH! HAVE FUN!

LINKS:

'In Rainbows' by Radiohead: