i typed a very long letter to everyone at least three times, and my text editor crashed at least three times. so i'll do this one more time. and i hope you listen, because this did take hours. (but i don't blame you if you don't care too.)
this is a letter for everyone i know, or knew. this is a letter for every friend, lover, those between those lines, sister, brother, everyone i considered family, everyone i talked to, everyone i won't forget, everyone who will forget me anyway, everyone who has already forgotten me, everyone who loves me, everyone who hates me.
this is a letter for you, the one who blocked me with no explanation, and i don't blame you for that, even when i spent most of my days thinking about how to keep you happy, when i would wake up with my legs scratched so badly i didn't want to go to middle school but i did anyway because i wanted to know how our notes, our stories would end, and they kept me alive for months, even when i treated you so badly, and sometimes you did the same too, even when i always agreed and i had panic attacks every time i had to ask you for something. and i know one of these lines left you with no doubts as to who you are--after all, they always joked we had wrote novels with those notes. it's all okay. you're okay. you're already gone, so this shouldn't hurt you any.
this is a letter for you, the one (or ones) who had too much faith in me (or us). i am sorry, and i knew you the longest, and there are no words to explain just how much we'll miss you and everyone else. everyone says they love you. sev, most of all. you were the first person whose loss made me feel like someone yanked on literal heartstrings, and this is always where i start to cry writing all of this. it's just a little bit of sad tears though, and a little bit of happy tears. sev says bye, and that he's sorry too. that it'll be okay. i'm sorry. you thought i was strong and that it would be okay. maybe some day it will be. but not today. and not tomorrow. not for a long time.
this is a letter for you, the one who loved and trusted me too much. and that's not bad, but if you trust me, trust me when i say this--you will find someone so, so much better than me. someone better to love and hold you like i promised i could, and someone who won't break those promises when they realize they themselves are breaking, and don't want you to be around when it happens, because it's too painful, too personal, and too much, even for someone as perfect and strong as you. you will find someone to love. i don't blame you if you forget me, or try your best to. i know i've caused you a lot of pain. and i can't say how sorry i am for that.
this is a letter for everyone who i had paragraphs for too, but my fingers hurt, and so do my thighs, and my head is aching, but i love you no less even if i don't recount our good experiences here. i truly do love you (tell caleb to treat you good), you (our roleplays were good, and i'm sorry for ignoring you), you (i don't blame you for leaving), you, you, you. if you don't think you're here, you are, look a little closer.
this is for everyone who won't come to my house and ask if i'm okay. this is for everyone who'll stop messaging eventually, because i won't reply. this is for everyone who will leave. for everyone who will give up. because you will. for everyone who won't text, won't call. for everyone who knows it's better not to. for everyone who knows i'm a lost cause. for everyone. for you. if you are reading this, it's for you.
i'm sorry. i love you, even if i've said some unsightly things to you before, even if my behavior has been awful. even if you left. even if you hate me. i hate me too, but that's beside the point. i want everyone to think of the good things and not the bad, as cliche as that is. i'm miserable but i don't want anyone else to be. and i'm sorry i wasn't strong enough to do anything about it. and i'm sorry i can't accept help. i don't know why. but i'm sorry. i've never known what i'm apologizing for. but i'm sorry.
i don't know how long i'll keep living with myself like this, miserable and still hoping when i know there's little to no hope left, scratching words into my thighs with nails i've made bleed by biting them down so much, still making plans for long after college, when those days won't even come for me. i don't know how long it'll be until i stop breathing, whether by my own hands or not, literally or figuratively (maybe blood loss, maybe drowning; there are no skyscrapers tall enough for me to jump off of here.) but it will be a while. so don't call expecting a dial tone from my mom, that i'm gone. i'm not gone from here, only from you, from your life. and that's okay. whenever i log on, people log off. i am constantly ignored. blocked. forgotten. i don't mind. it's okay. i don't blame anyone. that's alright.
tangentwithtanner
gummygunk
yousharknotpass
titsay
jbbartram-illu
snowghoul
discoholicmusic
germansingergirl
