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I'm C. I have a beautiful pit bull I adore. I'm a psych survivor I guess, someone labeled chronic and unhelp-able for forever by an incompetent system that wants nothing to do with anything mildly complex or long-term and instead just gets rid of what they don't know how to deal with. I've been in psychoanalysis for a decade with the one therapist who never even considered giving up, and that's what's been helping.

trying to work on a language that is not my body.

#personal

#personal #forest hills cemetery

lifeinpoetry

“I got hurt. I asked for hurt. Must’ve wanted to be hurt. I accepted that hurt / Could be a way to heal. A problem was only a problem until I found a way to use it. / Trapped in that logic, in that grip, that faceless-by-now face / In that timeless-because-all-the-time-room looking at, into, and then through me … / That was enough to show me, turning on the light hot as the air at the end of another / Summer, the sharp difference between healing and heeling. Parallel lines. A vanishing point.”

— — Paul Tran, from “I See Not Stars but Their Light Reaching Across the Distance Between Us,” All the Flowers Kneeling

achillesinhighheels

On Wednesday I'm going to a memorial service at the program I've belonged to for 11/12 years, for a long-time member who died. I haven't been in a while and am nervous about seeing certain people and their questions. There's also my guilt that comes with having been gone and needing to move on despite wishing I didn't. It pains me a lot because I love everyone there, and it's been my home; I still feel home-less without it and grieve daily. It just is not the place that it was, and it no longer serves me the way that it did. I'm also no longer the same and sometimes I wish I could be.

#personal

#personal #art

actual quote from a psych textbook I had in school

#personal #bpd

geryone

How to Dress a Fish, Abigail Chabitnoy

askyea-poesy

There's a little girl within me who still thinks that if she's quiet enough, that if she behaves enough, that if today, she's just enough to be good enough, that someone will come back for her. But the woman I've grown into knows now, no one is going back for her, except me.

Tanya Markul