Uh.. hello.
Wow. It's been ... well a long time.
How has everyone been? Have you all been taking care of yourselves? Ive been good. Im sorry I left the way i did. I just ... I had a lot of things I needed to do before I truly came back here.
I didn't want to come back until I knew I was ready. This space ... is safe for me. Despite the drama at times, I truly learned a lot about myself here and grew my love for writing. I also met some of my bestest friends here. I didn't want to taint it with all of my frustrations and personal drama. This place is one of happiness and community.
To start I along with my daughter, are safe and sound. To be honest, I was battling with some issues. Some mental. Many emotional. I had some heartbreaking decisions I had to make. I had a lot of things I needed to face and some truths to accept. Trust me these decisions were not easy to make or even fathom. I found myself crying into my pillow many nights cause of my frustrations and lack of understanding. I questioned my self worth and value. I blamed myself for my situation. I thought about how I could change to make things better... how if I just did this one thing how it'd make things better. I did this for almost 2 years. Then I just ... I talked to my mom and the closest people around me to get help. One of my biggest flaws is that I try to shoulder all of my pain alone. It was so hard to open up and tell my loved ones what I was feeling cause I didnt wanna sound stupid. Or foolish. But by facing that fear I realized so much with their help, and love. Their patience. I came to a decsion and took the steps needed to start my healing.
I was terrified the entire time but if this whole experince has taught me anything it's that I'm so much stronger than I ever thought. I'm worth more than I ever gave myself credit for and I'm perfect the way I am. Don't get me wrong. I have flaws and I've fucked up a lot but I'm also human. We make mistakes and make choices - some good and some bad. I wouldn't be me if I was perfect. I was so tough on myself. I legit was mad at my heart for hurting and making me feel so - weak.
I wasn't being weak. I was being human and while it was painful it was also empowering. I felt strong taking back my control. I felt like I was someone when I stood up for myself against the nasty thoughts. I felt invincible when I said enough was enough and meant it. I'm a long way from being wholeheartedly healed but I'm making progress.
.. I guess the question now is: what's next? Well, I'm not sure. But I know I'll be taking it a day at a time and living life with my daughter and family surrounding me.. and my friends, of course.
I'll be here.
I'm not sure when I'll come back fully but I'll be here nonetheless.
I just wanted to fill you all in and tell you I love you. Thank you for the messages over the last 2 years... to my friends and moots who've continually stayed in touch no matter how little my presence thank you. Seriously. Your love literally made a difference.
Take care of yourselves and stay safe. Always remember you're loved. ♥️
- Shanice
P.S. yall send me the latest on everything I've missed. I wanna catch up and start back interacting here. I wanna start back interacting with my people.
