You know that feeling when you’re lying in bed and it’s raining heavy outside and the wind is rattling your windows, but none of that matters because you feel so safe and secure in the worth of your bed. Calum was the human embodiment of that feeling for you, he was the warm duvet pressing tight to your body warming up your cold bones, he was the windows protecting your from the storm of the world. Until, one day he didn’t love you anymore, no real reason just everything he once found cute, and endearing about you he now hated. The way you scrunched your nose up just because he used to find that so cute it just irritated him now, the way you never knew where to eat he lost patience for it. You had spent weeks crying over the break up, searching twitter for any new photos of him, searching for a sign that he was as low as you. Your friend Courtney had her birthday party this week and you know Calum was going to be there, you’d spend the weeks leading up to the party desperately trying to think of the right things to say when you saw him again, but now here he stands all of 6 foot away from you. He’s wearing tight fitted smart casual black trousers and his green empathy hoodie you loved so much. He looked really good smiling brightly, skin glowing and it killed you to know that maybe he’s been doing okay and doesn’t miss you. You decided to slip outside the smell of weed filling your nostrils, you glance up and spot Calum leaning against a wall in a hushed conversation with Ashton. Ashton hands Calum a small package most likely to be LSD or Ecstasy they were always Calum’s go to. You weren’t a fan of his drug use and made it very clear it was the cause of most arguments the two of you had, broken promises about quitting or not being high when he obviously was, it was just lie after lie when drugs were involved. Ashton walks off leaving Calum stood alone, the wind blows sending shivers over your body and Calum pulls his hood up to protect his ears in a way that reminds you of an infant. You take a sip of your drink focusing on a game of beer pong happening in the corner “want to join in?” A familiar voice asks you, you glance up and see Calum stood next to you now , his deep brown eyes reflecting the fairy lights outsides, you always admired the way his eyes reflected whatever they were looking at, a bit like a chamomile they adapted to their environment. “I don’t like beer” you purse your lip a tiny bit annoyed he didn’t remember a basic fact about you. “I know, I just wasn’t sure how to start the conversation” he smiles lips pursed a hopefully look in his eyes. Silence falls between the two of you, Calum lights up a spliff in this time inhaling deeply, he doesn’t bothering offering you any knowing you’d refuse. “How you been Calum?”
“Alright, tours kept me busy which is good. Everyone always has loads of parties and nights out when we’re home so even though we’ve been home it’s been busy...struggled to find time time to sit down, relax and have a think to be honest”
“You haven’t thought about us?” You ask him your eyes slightly glassed over at the thought that Calum hasn’t thought about you once. “Of course I have, I thought I’d be so busy I’d have no time to but when I was on stage I’d think about especially when playing Valentine, I mean that song was written for you” Calum scoffs dropping his spliff and lighting another immediately. “What about you? You thought of me much?” Calum asks with morbid curiosity his voice timid all you can do is nod, “all the time”. You shuffle away from Calum a little bit the smoke that’s clouding him becoming a little too much for you. “Do you drink now?” Calum gestured to the plastic cup in your hand “no it’s lemonade” you smile at him “someone’s got to look after everyone else”
“You don’t have to look after everyone else all the time, you know that?”
“I know...but after my dad I can’t help but think that if I’m sober I can do more to help”
“Your dad was an addict. No one here is”
“You don’t know that, people are very good at hiding addictions”
“Not me” Calum holds up the cigarette in his right hand “plain as day” he offers you a sad smile. You laugh lightly looking back down at the floor, “polar opposite we are” Calum grins up at the night sky. “You can say that again” you both laugh this time. Calum is sweet honey, sunshine and fresh strawberries all things sweet and nice, whereas you are more like a rough tide, a loud voice refusing to be silent,in a different time you would have balanced one another out but there was too much extraneous variables for it to work out this time. the two of you glanced one another out for a while, you glance up at the night sky trying to think of something to say.
“I love how you type “ahaha” instead of “hahaha” it’s far more accurate.” Calum speaks up “what?” You respond confused
“When you text. Ahaha sounds far more close to someone actually laughing, I miss your grandma texting” You laugh and Calum joins in remembering the way you’d joke about your old woman texting, it’s been a while since you heard Calum’s laugh and you think about the last time you heard it. You’d come home from Luke’s birthday party and had been up talking for hours, it was one of the rare weekends he got home in LA neither of you having to work, you’d almost forgotten what it sounded like till that moment. “I miss you Calum, I’m through lying and the other day a guy at a bar told me he liked my ring, the one you bought me and I realised that despite everything you’re the only person I want to be around.” You immediately regretted speaking “fuck I shouldn’t have said anything, we shouldn’t talk.”
“I miss you too, but sometimes love isn’t enough”
“Love isn’t enough, then what is Calum” her voice raises slightly.
“Damnit I don’t know, but that’s the thing with the one who don’t need to know what it is you just need to know. But I don’t know. You deserve someone who doesn’t know why they love you, butt they do it anyway not someone who spends most of his time searching for reasons to love you”. her gaze lowers to the floor tears welling in her eyes “I want you though” she whispers quietly but Calum still hears her, he scoffs before speaking “no you don’t. Trust me. One day you’l meet a boy and he’ll make you feel so whole that you’ll forget all about how empty you’re feeling right now. You don’t want me, you just want someone to love, you’re so used to having people rely on you, you don’t know how to function if you’re not looking after someone else. I don’t need you to look after me. Love yourself, spend time focusing on yourself rather than searching for empty bodies to force your love on” Calum speak soberly taking a drag of his cigarette as the brunette chews on his words. “I don’t know how you feel y/n I’m just offering you the only advice I know”. She takes another sip of her lemonade nodding slowly “thanks Calum”. Calum puts his arm around her pulling her closer, the warmth and comfort Calum brings envelopes her silencing her racing mind but it’s very quickly pulled away and she’s back in the rain again, the weight of the world without Calum pressed against her side. “It’s all a process of moving on and getting over it” Calum speaks so matter factly, she wants to scream at him, hit him, hurt him just because he doesn’t understand but she could never do that Calum she instead she nods smiling softly at him and heading inside, driving home crying the entire way home.
