en plein air.

I work at the Internet. Grunge fan. Book fan. Food fan.

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I’ve been waking up way earlier than usual and not going out as much. I bought a house, and it’s been a joy to work on so far. I think I reached a new level in this adulting thing, and I don’t mind.

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Life Update: Things are going well. In regards to my last post, I’ve cut down on drinking quite a bit and feel better. I had a few bad days in between where I went overboard (holidays, vacation time, etc.) and the result wasn’t good. Anger and frustration directed at others around me when I know it was just a projection of how I was feeling about myself. I’ve been trying to fill my time with meaningful things and haven’t experienced lying in bed all day because I’m hungover and ashamed for a while now. I consider that to be progress of some sort.

In other news, I adopted a sweet cat. Moving away from my old apartment meant leaving behind two sweet kitties that belonged to my roommate. It was tough because I definitely bonded with them and fed them when she was gone. But moving out of that toxic situation is absolutely for the best, and looking back is the last thing I want to do. I feel like I finally have control of my life and home, and I’m excited to have two cats here that I can love unconditionally and care for. It’s a good feeling when you have a stable environment that allows you to be nurturing and relaxed and have fun. 

My new kitty is pregnant, and I’m taking her to the vet tomorrow to get her checked out. It’s going to be strange and sad having to give away her kittens once they’re ready, but it’ll be interesting to see new life emerging in this apartment, and I’m happy to be able to care for her and the little kittens once they pop out. I like the feeling of taking care of things, but I recognize that I sometimes put the needs of others ahead of myself. I guess it gives me a purpose in a way, but I’m still trying to strike that balance.

Living with my guy has been great, and I’m so happy we have each other. There’s more I discover and love about him each day, and that’s an exciting feeling. He’s turning 30 in a couple of weeks and has gotten pretty down about it from time to time. I know he struggles with depression, and the other night I broke down in tears because of how frustrated I was that I couldn’t do anything to help him. I know I make him happy and he is grateful to have me. It’s hard when you’re struggling with things yourself and can’t be the best all the time for others. Again, I know healing begins with taking care of your own issues first, then you are well equipped and ready to help others without feeling guilty or powerless.

There’s a lot I have to learn, but I think my self awareness has grown as I’ve gotten older, and I’m trying to take the time to really think about situations and approach them in the right way, rather than running from them and pushing them out because I’m scared or angry. I’m lucky to have a much better support system now than I have over the course of my entire life, and things are certainly looking up.

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I’m trying to quit drinking. Or at least cut back significantly. I’m starting to realize I might have a problem, and if anything, it makes me angry at myself. For all the calmness and rationality people claim I exude, I do consider myself a control freak and feel most at peace when I have command over my various situations and environments. It frustrates me that I can’t control this anymore. Thinking about not drinking doesn’t scare me anymore, however. It makes me excited at the possibility of what could happen if I live like a normal person. I’ll save money, I’ll have more energy, I’ll be more motivated, maybe I’ll lose some of the excess weight I’ve put on in the last year and I’ll be more committed to the healthy lifestyle I’ve been trying to lead. I can’t keep falling into the same habits and routines or turning to alcohol if something makes me nervous or stressed out. Any advice or suggestions about this are welcomed. (Is it “welcome” or “welcomed”?) I know I’m not a raging alcoholic, and nothing really bad has happened as a result of my drinking. But I feel like I can’t go out without ordering a drink, or I can’t go to the store without getting a six pack or a bottle of wine, and I know I drink too much in one sitting than I ought to. I’m just tired of living this way, and I need to make a change. 

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In case anyone wondered what I’ve been up to lately, here’s the answer. I’m in the process of moving in to my boyfriend’s apartment, and we’ve done a ton of renovations. It has been very exhausting. Here is my my new bedroom before and after. I’m proud of our hard work. I can’t wait until I’m completely moved in and we can relax and enjoy this beautiful space.

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Life’s been good these days.

Caution: This may be a long post about life stuff.

As the weather gets warmer, I’ve been in high spirits and thinking about how fulfilling my life has been lately. I’ve made new friends and have reconnected with old pals, and I’m just so very happy. I feel like I finally have some sense of control regarding the way I’m living, and that’s a nice feeling for an anxious weirdo like me.

A few months ago, I decided to try finding some friends on the Internet. I’m perfectly aware of how dorky that sounds, but I spend a ton of time on the computer for my job (and I work at home), so face-to-face interaction is rare compared to how much time I spend staring at a screen. I’ve joined friendship sites and meet up groups, and they’ve actually been successful! I met a few great gals I really enjoy spending time with. One, Xing, invited me over this evening to decorate eggs in the Ukrainian psyanky style. She’s a rad chick who’s into bugs and printmaking, and it was awesome to learn a new hobby, even though my creation was kinda rough and janky. It will still a ton of fun, and I was happy to hang with such an interesting and talented person.

Yesterday I introduced my friend Meagan to downtown Canton where I used to intern for a music magazine. She’s from Colorado, so she hasn’t yet seen all of Northeast Ohio. It was cool to stroll around the Arts District and shop for vintage clothes, eat tasty veggie curry and have girl talk over coffee and desserts. She’s a person I feel increasingly comfortable around and have genuinely wonderful conversations and experiences with. I got to meet her new guy the night before, and I’m really happy she’s found someone so much like herself. I always wish the best for her, and her happiness radiates within me as well.

A few days prior, I reconnected with cousins I haven’t seen in three years. They’re on my dad’s side of the family, and there’s always been a lot of weird tension and mysterious resentment with those relatives ever since he passed away. These ladies have always been sweet to me though, and they’re incredibly smart, educated and sarcastic. Our dinner conversation was great, and I felt good about making the time and effort to see them. Family is important, even if some stuff is weird, and as we get older it’s good to keep those folks within arm’s reach.

Last weekend I went to a friend’s bridal shower, a gal I’ve always adored and haven’t seen in a couple of years. It was kind of a frantic day for me, but I was so thrilled to see her and honored that I could be part of her special day. I can’t wait to see her get married and to keep in touch with her more in the future.

Things with Jason have been wonderful as well. We had a weird little spat the other night, but I’m so incredibly grateful for the maturity in our relationship and ability to communicate and put everything out there and be completely honest and work toward a solution. Our apologies are genuine, we ask questions about why the other person is upset and we make active strides to make life better for the both of us. It isn’t one-sided, and the good times we have together are so intoxicatingly wonderful. I’ve never felt so connected with a person and in such adoration of someone. He and I make a point to talk about our future and how (and how much) we want to spend it together. I truly love him with all my heart. The mornings and afternoons we’re able to stay in bed and snuggle and be intimate, drink coffee and watch stupid YouTube videos, tackle his cat and crack up at dumb shit are my absolute favorite. I’m so grateful we’re a part of each other’s lives.

I think this spring and summer will bring many good things and fun adventures. Life isn’t always perfect, and I do feel down and worthless at times. But experiencing these relationships growing and getting stronger makes things so much better, and I am so fulfilled by them. It’s a change for sure, and I’m just happy about it.

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My family thinks I’m crazy and living a dangerous life because I don’t drive.

When I actually think about myself and my life, from a very outward glance, I laugh because I’m kind of, sort of, becoming the person I always wanted to be as a child.

I’m a writer who walks and buses everywhere. I’m dating a musician. I have jet black hair and wear cat eye glasses and I make enough money doing what I love to be able to do the other things I love. 

It’s so strange.

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Today, my boyfriend called me out on the fact that I say I look dumb or ugly “like 15 times a day.” It made me feel bad because I know how annoying and frustrating it is to hear someone you think is amazing constantly put themselves down. It’s not that I’m fishing for compliments or really think I’m disgusting. I honestly don’t realize I’m doing it most of time. I know I’m prone to self deprecation, but I’m starting to understand how much my words and actions affect others. I’m going to try harder to be a more confident person and express that (without being arrogant, of course) instead of telling everyone around me how much I suck because maybe they will start thinking I suck and won’t want to be around me anymore. Typing this, it all makes a lot of sense.

In an attempt to recognize my worth, practice self love, etc. I REALLY LIKE MY OUTFIT TODAY. 

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Mornings with these two are my absolute favorite.

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It’s always nice to to find a romantic partner who tells you you’re beautiful, surprises you with small treats, makes you laugh and is affectionate and loving. It’s another to hear the words, “You’re an inspiration in my life.” It’s hard to explain how fulfilling it is to help this person I love and who loves me back succeed by exercising my strengths in some small, but apparently significant, ways. Helping each other and celebrating each other’s accomplishments has been so rewarding. It feels so good to have a true partnership with goals and dreams in mind that we share together. I’m looking forward to the future.

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Warning: Sappy, sentimental post

In the fall of 2014, after a long night of booze and fun, he asked, “Can I be your boyfriend?” I giggled and reached for him, smiled and said, “yes.” But I told him to ask me again in the morning.

When we awoke, he rolled over and asked, “Remember what you said you’d do last night?” It was a funny way of phrasing the question, so I tossed a few hints to him so I could be clear we were talking about the same thing. “That I could be your boyfriend...” he said shyly. It was all very middle school, and yet, here is this almost 30-year-old man nervously asking me to “go steady” or whatever the kids call it these days.

And now, here we are, a year and some change later. Snuggled in bed last night, we watched “Twin Peaks” until I dozed off. I woke up to him turning out the light, and we held each other and shared some smooches. “I love having you around,” he said. “I love how much you make me laugh and that I can make you laugh so hard that you cry. It makes me so happy. I’m so glad I have you.”

I felt that fluttery, girlish bliss that ran through my body when he first asked if we wanted to be exclusive. But, unlike that moment in the past, there was no small twinge of fear or nervousness or caution or uncertainty. I felt peaceful and so, so happy. 

The kind words and kisses turned to crazy sexy stuff, and that was awesome too.

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Reflectin’ & stuff

So 2015 is coming to a close, and this is the time of year when people reflect on the past 12 months and make resolutions for the fast-approaching new year. I’m feeling thoughtful and nostalgic on this gray, rainy day, so I thought I’d jot down some things I’m pondering.

Many changes occurred in my life from 2014 to 2015, the most prominent, I suppose, involving my job and personal relationships. I went through an unexpected and quick breakup last year, and shortly after that time I realized how much support I truly have from those who are close to me and how readily others were to help me and be there for me before I even got around to asking. It truly made me realize some things, namely how little attention I paid to the folks who mattered most. I’ve been working to resolve this, and I think I’m getting better every day.

I entered a new relationship with quite a bit of hesitation, and over the past 12 months I’ve let my guard down and allowed this person to become an important part of my life, and I am so happy. We spent the holidays together, our families meeting and mingling, and I feel so lucky to have this person who loves me so unconditionally and makes me grateful to be alive every day. He has introduced me to people I have formed deep, meaningful and fun friendships with, and I can’t wait to spend the next year embarking on exciting adventures with them. I’m so lucky to be part of this new life.

Next year, I’d like to accomplish the following:

1. Drink less. Exercise more. 2. Plan a surprise visit to my mom’s house in New York. 3. Take more risks at my job. 4. Travel more with girlfriends. 5. Learn how to do some “handyman” stuff before I move in with my bf. (We’ve got a lot of home repair/DIY projects in mind) 6. Take the bus somewhere new. 7. Stop dwelling on the past and focusing my energy on people who have voluntarily shut me out of their lives. 8. Be the first to contact/make plans with friends each week. 9. Throw a housewarming dinner party once I move. 10. Give away a significant portion of clothes and other items I really don’t need.

Wishing you all the best in 2016. <3

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“I got the longer side of the wishbone, and I wished that I could always make you happy and that you’ll want to stay with me forever.”

Stopppp. :)

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Having a partner who is open, vulnerable, down to earth and makes you feel comfortable in a matter of seconds has been so rewarding. I’m exploring and examining a lot of different facets of myself through this relationship, and it has been really great. There are many things I’ve wanted and kind of experienced at a surface level, but being with someone who is curious, respectful and supportive has allowed me to become more in tune with my own self and really understand my wants and desires. I’m referring here to physical things, but not exclusively. I have to say that our sex life is incredibly phenomenal, and I’ve honestly never been with someone who is so openminded and wants to nurture what we have and make me want to push my own boundaries. I told him how connected I feel to him and how it’s rare for me to really open up and allow myself to fully trust a person or tell them what I want. This has been so different. So open, so communicative and so good. I literally brought him to tears just casually telling him all the reasons why I’m grateful he loves me, and that was really sweet. I certainly don’t need validation from other people to be comfortable in my own skin or to do the things I want to do. But it’s really nice having this special kind of relationship that is encouraging and supportive and makes me want to really live my life authentically and happily.

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Oh, so Photos now organizes all of your selfies into one album aptly titled “Selfies.” I realize now I might take waaaaay too many photos of myself.

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I watch recorded readings recited, memorized, by my old dead friend. I watch them romantically, remembering, crying without realizing it. Thinking about how much I cherished and respected this person, realizing how I let opportunities pass and chances blow away in the wind like dead dandelions, and I guess we’re all dead and dying, but some of us has this spark, and maybe it’s not a reason to live but a fear of it ending, thinking we can change it and having that interesting hope that we will. I am close now to a person who gets drunk sometimes and wants to die, sobbing in my arms “I’m no good” he says, over and over again, and I can’t help because I lost so many men I thought were brave and too proud to give up so easily and without hardly any rough edges, experience, stories to tell. Sometimes it’s so hard carrying these burdens and crying about what could have been, or what could be, but I’m just a person and a small one at that.

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When you see a pic of someone you know IRL on a kink website...

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Because I’m a big ol’ sap and am feeling nostalgic, here’s the first message I ever received from my guy. I can’t believe it’s been a year. I’m so grateful for this person.