Not the same anon but what about plain reshuffling the pairings? Not to fix them but just to see another mess, since the canon ones don't work I don't see why not put them with someone else that could be even worse 😂 so who would you put with who and why? And how would this make things worse?
Oh anon, you delightful person.
Edward, upon waking up, decides he wants to be Carlisle's lover. Carlisle is taken aback, oh this was not what he had in mind when he was thinking of a companion, at all. And Edward is so very young.
But he's very lonely, Edward is very insistent, and Carlisle did make this kid a vampire for his own sake.
Edward uses his gift to get inside Carlisle's head and manipulate him into sleeping with him.
In true It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia title card style, Carlisle sleeps with a minor.
Esme, Edward, and Carlisle polycule
Esme wakes up into this new life to find the beautiful doctor she loved since she was a child has given her immortality. She will get to live with him and his companion, a boy she immediately takes a liking to. "Is this your son?" she asks Carlisle pleasantly, and he grimaces. "Not quite," he says, but doesn't elaborate because... yes.
Esme and Edward bond, she starts to view him as a son and he sees her a mother, and Carlisle wonders when is the right time to tell her that he is in fact fucking said son. Which, given the time period Esme is from, and how very old Carlisle is while Edward would be a minor even if he was still human, is going to look like he's taking advantage.
("Aren't you?" a cursed voice in Carlisle's subconscious asks.)
Edward eventually comes to him, grinning, and tells him that Esme has feelings for him. Carlisle cries, because now he has to not only ruin himself in her eyes by telling her he's in fact banging a seventeen-year-old, but he has to reject her as well. Oh, this is terrible.
Edward suggests he simply not tell her. How would she find out?
Edward goes on to explain that with his gift, if they're careful about it then they should be able to carry on their affair, they'll just have to be a little bit more discrete. Carlisle can marry her, and then they'll be happy together while Esme gets to mother Edward. Of course, Carlisle would have to step up to the father role in this scenario, but that shouldn't be a problem, yes?
He beams at Carlisle with all the confidence of a man who just came up with a fantastic plan.
Alternatively, Edward could seduce Esme, he's pretty sure he could pull it off. Then there should be no trouble!
Carlisle breaks up with him.
Outraged, Edward leaves. If Carlisle won't be his anymore then to hell with it all, even the diet!
Esme and Carlisle are both terrible upset by this, and oh boy, now they're each other's solace. Their feelings for each other get that much stronger now that they're the only thing the other has.
Carlisle is falling for this woman. After he had sex with his last creation as well, he hates himself for this.
And more- he can't in good conscience get into a serious relationship with a good woman without being honest with her.
So, one day, he takes her aside, and gives her the "There's something I need to tell you about my past," opener.
Oh, okay. Esme is oddly disappointed but she figures it's to be expected that someone as old as Carlisle would have had his dalliances.
Only to be met with Carlisle telling her about how he had sex with the guy in the old paining, and, uh, his wife as well. It was a wild time.
(Because goddamnit, if he's going to come clean then he will come clean, Esme is getting every sock of Carlisle's dirty laundry)
He also... may have slept with Edward.
Esme finds herself fighting the absurd urge to ask if Carlisle would have sex with Charles Evenson, given the chance. He wouldn't.
She agrees to be just friends with Carlisle, because boy did he give her something to think about.
(She'd be fine with it if it was just Aro, or just Sulpicia, or even just Edward, but- the haunting thought that Carlisle might go for it with Charles proves to be too much.
That, and she couldn't bear it if she married Carlisle Cullen, finally had the perfect husband, only to be cheated on. Carlisle apparently is promiscuous, and... she doesn't know if she could handle that. Scratch that, she knows she couldn't.)
A few years later, Carlisle comes upon Rosalie Hale, who has been raped and left to die in the streets. He doesn't even think about it, he brings her home to bite.
Esme sighs a weary sigh at the sight of this beautiful, young, blonde woman: clearly, Carlisle has grown tired of waiting.
Rosalie, on waking up, finds herself saved by this beautiful, single, man. The woman who was posing as his wife is in fact just a friend, but she seems to think Rosalie is to be his bride instead. Just as Esme was once supposed to be.
Carlisle gives no indication he's interested in Rosalie, and she's not sure how she feels about that. This man is insanely beautiful, he's kind, and she's so very alone in this brave new world that according to him consists of nothing but bloodthirsty demons.
Who, realistically, are her options?
She's depressed enough, and lonely enough, to start signaling at Carlisle. It's not even really about him, but about not being so damned lonely all the time.
Carlisle still can't believe he had an affair with Edward, so sure. He can do this.
She finds a beautiful man dying in the woods, brings him home for reasons not altogether clear to her.
She waits by a river with Edward, and wonders who this man will be to her. Could they become-
She tentatively allows herself to hope.
Esme comes to adore this bright-eyed young man who always makes her laugh, and she seeks him out. Emmett, on his end, develops feelings for this sweet and warm yet hopelessly melancholic woman. Esme is rocking those damsel vibes, yo.
Rosalie is hot! Very hot!
But, goddamnit, something wins out in Emmett and he decides to make Esme happy or so help him god.
(That, and learning that Rosalie fucked Carlisle is--
Emmett's not sure what to do with that one.)
Alice had it all sorted out.
On waking up to this new life, she saw Jasper's face, she saw the Cullens, she knew where she would have to go to find him and then find her family. It was going to be great.
A few decades and much whoring shenanigans later, and Edward is now eating rapists and crying in San Francisco while Carlisle bangs is out with his would-be daughter because- Alice doesn't even know, what the fuck.
She realizes that if she wants to get everyone in one place, perhaps not fucking the right people but at least in the same place-
She has to entice Edward back to them. More, she has to distract him from Carlisle.
So she seeks him out, tells him she has seen them together, for her gift is to be Sybil. This is a great love, Edward. And through it, you will see Carlisle again (the trick is to make him think he's got a shot without actually promising anything).
Alice, Edward and Jasper polycule
Well, the OG plan is off.
What we're left with is...
"Hi! I'm Alice! I have the solution to all your problems. Come with me and Edward!"
Because goddamnit, Alice's visions were set that she would be with Jasper, and just because the plan had to deviate some doesn't mean she's giving up on it.
Jasper is too depressed to say no.
Edward wants to prove to Carlisle that this can work and he was a fool to turn down the E&E&C wonderfulness all those years ago.
The polycule is nominal only, in reality Alice is with Edward and Jasper is the afterthought.
Carlisle feels bad for him.
Somehow, Bella ends up entangled with the Cullens despite all that's changed, and she is once again set to become a vampire.
Trouble is, she wants her human experience first.
Carlisle sighs, but unzips. He has accepted his fate as the Cullen family whore.
Rosalie and Carbella lovechild
A child is born from Bella and Carlisle's sting in the jacuzzi.
A child that is sent with Rosalie to live someplace far, far, away, because THIS HOUSE IS A DEN OF SIN. RUN, MY SON.
Rosalie has no intentions of sleeping with her nephew/stepson/?? but goddamnit, after all the incest she's on high alert.
Bonus: Aro and Carbella lovechild
Aro runs across an utterly beautiful young man who looks eerily like Carlisle. The man may have a funky heartbeat (a new species?! EXCITING), and Caius may judge him forever, but damnit, Aro's heading over to flirt.
Carbella lovechild laughs and giggles, and Aro nods to himself, you know what, this kid is great. Might be time to fool around with someone not Carlisle, you know?
He touches Carbella lovechild's hand.
Perhaps the worst of all is learning that Carlisle has a harem family now.