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With increasing access to adult content online, kids need to be prepared to deal with images that aren’t meant for them to see.

#tween

Why My Sons Think I’m Invincible

By Mike Berry

This past weekend I went camping with my three youngest sons in Southern Ohio. The time away was great, but the lesson I learned about fatherhood and identity was even greater!

The fire blazed and crackled in the night air on Saturday night as we sat in our camp chairs laughing, talking and reminiscing. My two best friends and their sons had joined us for the weekend. The boys were now fast asleep, exhausted from a day filled with romping through the woods, throwing sticks in the fire, and playing football in the mud. As I reflected, something my six-year old son said earlier in the day crossed my mind.

"Dad, you're strong!”

He declared this as I lifted a heavy piece of firewood from a woodpile and carried it to the fire pit. He and his two brothers watched with wide-eyes as I heaved the log into the middle of the rock circle. Sparks and ash flew through the air as the thick wood crashed down.

"What do ya think of that boys?" I asked with a big grin! All three of them hooped and hollered, like wild Indians. My heart was full. I couldn't have asked for more amazing (or fun) sons. Excitedly, each boy perched themselves in a chair around the fire pit, leaning in, eagerly, for the flames to appear. I stood back and watched them, shaking my head---"Boys and fire," I said to one of my friends. As the flames appeared my sons glanced up at me with wonder.

I'm the biggest hero in the land as far as they're concerned. It's an honor I take very seriously. My sons think I'm invincible. They believe there's no mountain too high for me to climb, no distance too far for me to run, and no piece of firewood too heavy for me to lift. As I type those last few words I can't help but smile. I love being a dad to boys. I love their adventurous spirit. I love the wrestling matches, the football games, the attraction to throwing stuff, and even the rowdy energy that never seems to run out. I love my boys. And I love that they think I'm the strongest, fastest and bravest of any man. But …

They Have No Idea That I'm Afraid!

If only they saw my dark moments. If only they knew how often fear grips me like a boa-constrictor, gripping its prey. If only they saw my worries for the future, my regrets from the past, and everything in between:

Fear of failing. Fear of losing. Fear of winding up with nothing. Fear of the unknown.

If only.

But, maybe they're not supposed to ... at least not right now.

Maybe their growing hearts need to see the hero dad, the brave dad who confidently faces trouble. Maybe they need to believe, for the time-being, that I'm actually invincible.

And maybe I need to be challenged, by their belief in me, to face my biggest fears and overcome. If these little boys have such faith in me, then maybe I should have a little more faith in myself! After all, giving in to fear and allowing it to dictate my life leads to failure (which is one of my biggest fears).

I'm not advocating falsehood with our children, nor am I saying that we should hide our weaknesses from them. The Lord knows our children will see us in our darkest moments. That's the reality of living in a family. But, maybe we need to accept some of the subtle encouragement that our children give us from time to time?

I know I do.

Maybe their belief in us gives us all we need to succeed?

I heard a great quote from Jon Acuff the other day. He said, "Being afraid isn't failure. Staying afraid is failure."

That's true. I can choose to face my fears and overcome them or concede to fear and fail. I have four little boys hanging in the balance of that choice, and they've made it abundantly clear that they believe I can overcome. What more do I need?

I walked away from our camping trip feeling alive. Feeling blessed and believed in. I have four amazing sons to thank for that. Heck, I've got an entire family to thank for that! They continually teach me big lessons about my role and responsibility as a father. While I'm not invincible, I am motivated to be the hero they need me to be.

What about you?

Originally appeared at The Good Men Project

More from GMP’s Dads & Families:

When a Dad and Son Aren’t Talking... There’s Always Lip Synching

3 Sure-Fire Ways to Build a Successful Relationship

Photo---Helgi Halldórsson/Flickr

#Mike Berry #Good Men Project

Alyssa Milano, That’s Not Sexy!

By Brian Gawlak

I have been a fan of Alyssa Milano since “Who’s The Boss?” premiered in 1984. I followed her career as she went from child actress, to ‘B-movie’ actress, to adult television actress.

I once had the great fortune of being two feet from Alyssa Milano when I lived in Los Angeles and we happened to be in the same restaurant. We made eye contact and she smiled that “Charmed” smile at me. I melted. It may be cliché to say that she was more beautiful in person, but I have to say: she was more beautiful in person!

So how can I say that anything about Alyssa Milano is not sexy?

◊♦◊

Alyssa Milano has been making headlines lately, more for the controversy surrounding her breastfeeding photos and confiscated breastmilk at an airport, and less about the potential “Who’s The Boss?” reboot that needs to (and apparently may) happen. After posting a throwback picture of herself breastfeeding to celebrate her daughter’s first birthday on her social media accounts, many were outraged and horrified at the public display of what these naysayers feel should be private.

In an interview on the Today show, Ms. Milano addressed the controversy stating that she is glad that people are talking about the subject of public breastfeeding. She is not sorry, nor should she be (Click here for link to interview).

After our first daughter was born, I took a picture of my wife breastfeeding for the first time. The photo was flawlessly beautiful and it took my breath away, much like watching my wife feed our daughter did. I blew the picture up and made it into an 8x10 that hung in the upstairs hallway that led to our bedroom. My preteen nephew and his sometimes preteen-acting father both snickered when they saw the photo. The snickers turned to full on belly laughs, and ultimately led to my nephew asking me to take it down. I refused, saying I saw it as art and it was tasteful, and was hanging inconspicuously in my own home. My wife ultimately could not breastfeed long term, and the picture became a reminder of something sad and I had to take it down.

◊♦◊

I first encountered “public breastfeeding” when my sister-in-law nursed my nephew at a family gathering. She was in my daughter’s bedroom, and when I walked in I am not sure who was more startled, or who was more embarrassed – she as a new mom, or me who had never seen anyone other than my wife breastfeed.

I admit to being uncomfortable, and to having a discussion with my wife about the appropriateness of breastfeeding in front of other people. The look on my wife's face said it all, and I quickly realized that I was completely in the wrong. There was not only nothing wrong with my sister-in-law breastfeeding, but I realized she should not have been made to feel that she needed to leave the gathering to do so.

The person who should have been made to feel any shame or embarrassment was me for my immature response and reaction to what nature intended: breasts used to feed offspring.

As time went on, she would become much more comfortable with breastfeeding, and it became so second nature that neither she, nor I would bat an eyelash – until one day when one of us commented on not batting an eyelash and we both cracked up.

Our daughters are being raised in an environment where breastfeeding is seen as a beautiful and natural thing. We've explained to our oldest when we've seen women breastfeeding in restaurants that there is no reason why she should have to be relegated to a germ infested bathroom to feed her baby (our daughter asked). Nature intended for mothers to feed their offspring, and anyone uncomfortable with that should not breastfeed their babies in public. I hope we've set the stage so our daughters, like Alyssa Milano, will be proud of breastfeeding and not bat an eyelash at anyone else's concern.

◊♦◊

Alyssa Milano, you breastfeeding in public is not sexy – it is a necessary, natural, and beautiful thing. Anyone who feels there is anything sexual or feels uncomfortable with women breastfeeding has their own issues, and women should not be made to feel in any way embarrassed, ashamed, or wrong. Breasts can be used to sell any product under the sun, but to feed a baby like they were intended? Shame on the shamers!

Now about that “Who’s the Boss?” reboot…

---

Photo: Flickr/alien_artifact (adapted)

#Brian Gawlak #The Good Men Project

What I Learned From My Son After the Death of Our Dog

By Kari Wagner-Peck

A month ago, my husband and I had to make the painful decision to have our much loved 15 year old German Shepherd, Walt, put to sleep. Walt was the first living being we raised together as a couple. He was our dog. After our son arrived on the scene we both lost Walt to Thorin. It was Thorin he followed from room to room. It was Thorin he slept with, woke with and who he worshiped.

As Walt began to fail the vet told us: “He’s a freak of nature. I’ve never had such an old Shepherd as a patient.” I told her: “I think he can’t leave his boy.”

The steady decline started five months before. The vet said it was a matter of time. It was then I started to prepare Thorin, who is eight. Our son has Down syndrome which can cause processing delays. I knew he could understand me but how does any child understand death? I wasn’t sure how he would parse the information. Also he has speech apraxia meaning he has fully formed thoughts but has difficulty formulating the words. Often he picks the most prominent aspect of the thought to express.

Walt and Thorin“Sweetheart, Walty is very old and he is sick.”

“His back?” he asked

“Yes. It is serious. He could die. It is that serious. You know death?”

“Like Groot?” he asked

We had just seen the film Guardians of the Galaxy. Groot is the tree-like character who dies but is then re-born from clippings.

“Not like Groot.”

My thought was to tread lightly. I didn’t need to explain all of death in one fell swoop. We still had time.

My son took note of the changes with Walt: he stumbled and fell. Our kitchen floors were covered in rugs taped down to minimize falling. Thorin made accommodations for his friend’s fragility. The forts he built for the two of them now had a cushy bed for Walt. He understood Walt could no longer jump up on his bed, needing to sleep on the floor instead.

A week before our decision Walt went down on a walk and refused to be carried, instead crawling home. Once home Thorin sat and petted Walt’s head telling him over and over: “Okay, Walty, Okay.”

I started preparing Thorin for the death of his friend. The day it happened I sat with Thorin and Walt. While we both held Walt. I explained to Thorin he would go to Aunt Betty’s. The vet would come while he was gone and help Walt die.

“No” he said.

“I don’t want it either. No one does” I said crying.

“Stop. Stop. Stop.” His eyes were dry.

Silence.

“Walty dead” he said finally.

“I’m so sorry.”

When he left to go he screamed at Walt and tried to swat at him.

I told Thorin: “It’s Okay to be mad at Walt for dying. He can take it. If you feel bad later know he understood it is because you love him so much.”

For days after my husband and I would break down in tears. Thorin was stoic. When asked how he felt he would scream: “Happy!”

Thorin asked where Walt was.

We are not a religious family. That said we are spiritual. I believe we have souls.

“He is in heaven.” Explaining I made a rudimentary drawing complete with ascending souls.

My son had a blank stare on his face. I was in over my head.

The next day at breakfast I saw he was wearing his backpack.

“What’s that for?”

“For Asgard” he explained.

“You’re going to Asgard?” I asked

“Yes. To see Walty.” I realized I must have made heaven sound a lot like Thor’s birthplace.

“Honey, Walt’s not in Asgard.”

“Yes. I go now,” he was adamant.

I realized most people were uncomfortable addressing Walt’s death with Thorin. I didn’t know if I should attribute it to his Down syndrome or his age or even the evasiveness death seems to bring. His best friend had died and not much was said.

He was not deterred by the oversight. In a multitude of settings he would suddenly announce: “Walt dead.”

Most people would then offer condolences. Some would offer stories about pets they had lost. He had zero tolerance for that. This was about Walt not someone else’s friend. In the middle of one person’s story he simply got up and left the room.

Frequently Thorin would come to me: “Walt alive. Walt dead now.”

“Yes. I am so sorry. Do you want to talk?”

“No.”

Thorin woke me in the middle of the night: “Wake up! Walt alive!”

“Where?”

“Dream.”

I was delighted for him: “What did he do?”

“He sleep on bed. He eat. We walk.”

“That sounds nice. Are you sad?”

“No happy.” He sounded like he meant it.

Last summer Thorin was given a three-foot-high stuffed animal that is a nearly perfect mini replica of Walt that he named ‘Walt Two’. A few nights ago our son pulled one of Walt’s dog blankets out and made a bed for Walt Two in the same spot on the floor where his friend slept.

In the morning he shared he had another dream with Walt in it. He said: “Walt happy!”

“I’m sure he is, Thorin” and I meant it.

My son started dancing around the room singing: "Walty alive at night in our dreams!"

I was struck he included "at, "in" and "our" -- all connecting words. He pulled out all the stops composing that for his beloved friend.

Originally appeared at The Good Men Project

More from GMP:

How I Earned the Privilege of Being Called Mommy

We Adopted Our Son, and Yes, He Has Down Syndrome

If Dads Date Their Daughters, Are Moms Supposed to Be "Dating" Their Sons Too?

By Tom Burns

This isn’t a popular opinion, but I’m not a fan of the term “daddy-daughter date.” And I know that’s not a popular opinion because I’ve written about my dislike of the term in the past and it’s always attracted a lot of negative feedback. People feel like I’m arguing semantics, people feel like I’m making something sound romantic that was never supposed to be, people feel like I’m criticizing fathers for wanted to spend time with their daughters, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Dads spending time with their daughters is a vitally important act---hanging out with my daughter is literally my favorite thing in the whole wide world. That said, when people defend the notion of “daddy-daughter dates,” in my experience, their counter-arguments generally fall into one of two categories:

1. It’s just a term for spending time together. Don’t make it into something it’s not.

2. I take her on dates to show her how she should be treated by the men in her life.

And, let’s say, for sake of argument, that both of those statements are true. If that’s the case, then why don't moms typically “date” their sons? Why do these “dates” seem to be a strictly father-daughter phenomenon?

In regards to category #1---“It’s just a term”---I have occasionally heard of moms saying that they have a “date” with their sons. I don’t think it’s as common, but it does happen, although most “mom-son” dates I’ve encountered revolve around something fairly innocuous, like going to the Lego Store together or going to see a movie. While I know some fathers and daughters who have similarly average outings, I’ve also seen many, many “daddy-daughter dates” that involve the dad and daughter dressing up in their best and actually going on a “faux-date”---he brings her flowers, tells her she’s beautiful, they go out to a fancy dinner, maybe dancing. In fact, they have whole “daddy-daughter dances” that are structured in the exact same format as high school dances.

And, maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never encountered moms and sons “spending time together” in the same way. I don’t know of any moms who get dressed up, bring their sons a boutonnière, and head out for a fancy night on the town. One can argue that girls might be more inclined to enjoy this “fancy dress-up” more than boys might---although that’s a pretty big generalization---but, regardless, I think it’s pretty obvious that there are some pretty big differences, both in terms of perception and execution, when it comes to daddy-daughter dates and mommy-son dates. (One of those differences is that no one ever uses the term “mommy-son date.”) It seems like mother-son time together revolves around hanging out, while people often feel the need to structure father-daughter time around the format and iconography of actual dating.

Now, let me cut you off here, I am NOT saying that there is anything ROMANTIC about father-daughter dates. I am 100% NOT saying that. There simply isn’t anything romantic about them. HOWEVER, daddy-daughter dates DO often ape their structure from the kinds of dates that boys and girls might go on in high school, like a Homecoming date, or a fancy-dress night on the town with one's spouse. And mother-son “dates” don’t generally use the same structure. And I’m curious why.

This leads into category #2 in defense of father-daughter dates---“I take her on dates to show her how she should be treated by the men in her life.” Again, I am not here to argue whether that is a valid or invalid point, but I will note that I can’t think of any time when those roles are traditionally flipped and mothers do something similar with their sons.

Can you think of a time when a mom takes her son out, they get dressed up, and she’s trying to show her son how his future girlfriends should treat him later in life? I can’t. What would that look like? Dad-daughter date advocates often say things like “I open doors, I tell her she’s special, I bring flowers” to demonstrate how they’re using the date structure to show their daughters how they should expect to be treated by other men. And it IS a romantic date structure because men don't usually bring flowers or go dancing when they're trying to express their respect for their aunts, female work friends, or sisters.

So… placed in the same situations, what are moms supposed to do with their sons? What would a mother-son "date" look like? Do they have to adhere to social clichés? Do the moms need to let their sons open doors or pay for the meal? Are the moms supposed to listen intently, laugh at his jokes, and tell him that’s he’s handsome? (How far should we push the clichés? Should the mom just order salad?)

There’s this thing in our society where it’s socially acceptable for fathers to be held up as the “ideal men” for their daughters, but mothers aren’t supposed to be the “perfect women” for their sons. If a boy ends up with a woman who’s “just like his mother,” that’s generally perceived to be a bad or a weak thing.

Should more moms be role-playing like this? If we have fathers taking their daughters on admittedly innocent “dates” to teach them about how men should respect them, should mothers be doing the exact same thing? Should mothers be using dates with their sons to prepare them for their future relationships?

Personally, I feel like the answer is "No," but that's just my opinion.

I think parents spending time with their kids and showing their children respect is unfathomably important. But I’ve always been confused about why dads and daughters structure that time around “dates”---roleplaying lessons in opposite-gender respect---while the same expectation apparently doesn’t exist between mothers and sons. AND, this is important to note, this all assumes that the family is a heterosexual, 1950s nuclear family. What if the family has one son and two gay dads? Or one daughter and two lesbian moms? If there's no dad, should the moms be taking the daughter out and showing her how to be respected at a fancy dinner and a formal dance? If there's no mom, should the dads be doing the same thing with their son?

Again, this has nothing to do with romance or sexuality. But, for some reason, we have decided that father-daughter time should involve an element of roleplay---roleplay that’s undeniably based on the tropes of modern dating---and mother-son time should not. And I think that’s odd.

I do think that I’d be more accepting of the daddy-daughter date roleplaying if society placed just as much value on mothers and sons doing exactly the same thing. But it doesn’t. And I find that disparity both troubling and telling. (Don’t even get me started on the “Purity Balls” where daughters “pledge” their virginity and “purity” to their fathers. Can anyone show me ANY example of an institution where sons pledge their “purity” to their mothers? If it exists, I’d love to see it.)

Ultimately, there are many, many ways to impart respect and love to your children. I have a powerful paternal love for my daughter, but, if she ever needs instruction on how she should be treated by a loved one in the future, I’m confident that all she’d need to do is see how I treat my wife or how our friends and family treat their significant others and those lessons would become apparent.

My question stands---should mothers be “dating” their sons? Should we have mother-son dances in the same way that we have daddy-daughter dances? And, if not, why? I’d love to hear your input because I have yet to hear an explanation that truly makes sense to me.

----

Originally appeared at The Good Men Project

More from The GMP:

What's a Dad to Do When His Daughter Wants to Dress as Han Solo?

In Defense of the Older Parent

How I Supposedly Ended My Son's Future as Car-Racing Phenomenon

What About the Boys?

Fanfare for the World’s Strongest Man: The Career of Mark Henry

How to Use Superhero Films to Talk about Masculinity

What Exactly Are We Watching?

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I Cut Myself: Exploring My Relationship with Self-Mutilation

Back to Basics: The Vasectomy Files 13

If you have interest in men, have the discipline to write a post a day, and want the benefits of writing for a large, engaged and growing platform, consider joining The Good Men Project team.

If writing about manhood in any form appeals to you, we’d love for you to become a regular blogger. You will get a terrific platform (the total network is steadily growing, but right now gets 3.2 million pageviews a month) and an opportunity to help shape the publication. There really is no limit to what you can blog about, as long as it relates in some way to things that men care about—or should care about. Are you on a quest to become a better man? That would make a great topic for a series of blog posts. Do you want to blog about sports, sex, relationships, politics, friendship, addiction/recovery, cars, cooking, spirituality, fatherhood, divorce, movies, the environment, or how your anger-management classes are going? Terrific. We’re not looking for clichéd pieces about men as an inflexible monolith. So don’t write that. Go deeper. Be funny. Be sad. But be original. First person narratives that lead to some deeper, universal truths are always welcome here. Check out our about page if you want to learn more about who we are and how we’ve grown.

These words completely poison online discourse, and destroy the credibility of the person using them. Cut it out. http://ht.ly/mlJ86 Twelve Words I Never Want To See Again

“When Is It OK to Call Someone Black?”

“We must devise strategies to keep naming, interpreting, and confronting racism”. Beth Balliro answers a question sent to Steve Locke.

More To The Story...

Posted: 17 Jun 2013 09:00 AM PDT

Dr. NerdLove insists that there is no such thing as “out of your league.”

Here's Why...

Posted: 17 Jun 2013 10:28 AM PDT

Dennis Milam Bensie needed a straight marriage and inspiration from a controversial film to come out.

Last night, I watched the movie Making Love for the umpteenth time.

The 1982 film starred Kate Jackson, Harry Hamlin and Michael Ontkean and came out (excuse the pun) when I was in high school. It was the first mainstream Hollywood movie to center around a husband coming out of the closet to his wife, and the end of their marriage.

I was more than a little curious when I saw Kate Jackson on The Tonight Show plugging the film. She mentioned that the movie was about homosexuality and my heart stopped for a moment: there were laughs and gasps from The Tonight Showstudio audience. I didn’t want to appear too interested in the movie because my mom was sitting ten feet away from me. She said nothing. The jeers had more of an effect on me than the clip they showed from the movie.

We became obsessed with our wedding so we could prove to the world that we mattered.

MORE>>

I guess it’s time for me to face the facts. I must be gay. And so are you.

Time to Admit It: We’re All Gay

Posted: 17 Jun 2013 09:05 PM PDT

I guess it’s time for me to face the facts. I must be gay. And so are you.

I was disappointed, although not entirely surprised, when the Southern Baptist Convention resolved to withdraw its support of the Boy Scouts because of their recent affirmation of the inclusion of children regardless of their sexual orientation. Although the resolution is nonbinding for congregations, as is the policy of Baptist governance, 108,000 Boy Scouts currently sponsored or supported in some way by Baptist churches run the risk of losing the opportunities to participate in Boy Scouts.

The decision was...(continued)

From slut-shaming to death threats, recent news stories have highlighted the disturbing reality of how Americans respond to survivors of sexual violence.

For many survivors, the way that their community responds to their stories is equally, if not more, traumatic than their assaults.

We are in a unique cultural moment where this problem is getting national attention, and it’s imperative that we take advantage of it. The question to ask ourselves is: Where does our country go from here?

Currently, we have plenty of models for how individuals can support survivors of rape.

Feminists have built and maintained crisis centers, hotlines, and emergency services. Anti-violence organizations have created excellent how-to’s and information guides for friends and families. Counselors and therapists are trained to help rape survivors recover from trauma.

While there is still work to be done to provide survivors with adequate services, our culture understands the need for these services.

And this is all a great start.

Posted: 09 Jun 2013 03:00 PM PDT

In an excerpt from his new book, Dr. Scott Halzman offers insights into some of the unmet needs that may cause people to stray.

In the last chapter, I offered different explanations for why people look for and find love inside and outside of marriage. Everyone has hormones, everyone has biological drives, and everyone feels attractions to other people. But not everyone cheats. As many of the stories included in this book emphasize, cheating happens when a perfect storm of several factors come together. This chapter explores these factors.

Brian Sorrell believes that the importance of simply being there for your children cannot be overestimated.

What do you think of this video?

We’ve all heard this kind of thing, from movies to off-handed comments from family members. How do you respond?

Not only do I think this video relies on bad gender stereotypes, but I also don’t think it’s even a good analogy because the nail imagery is just so exaggerated that the whole thing ends up insulting to both parties in the video.

What do you think? Are real marriages like this? Are you really only interested in fixing?

If you agree with the video, what conversations do you often get trapped in that mirror this example? If you don’t agree with the video, if a friend showed this to you, what would you say in response?

[Via: Facebook]

Glen Poole explains how the debate surrounding whether men can be feminists "really has nothing to do with your beliefs or your actions."

Glen Poole explains the debate whether men can be feminists has nothing to do with your beliefs or your actions. http://ht.ly/lRu2M Can a Man be a Feminist?

Personally, I don’t mind what kind of genitals a feminist has. What I’m concerned about is whether men and boys issues are being addressed alongside the issues that women and girls face. With or without Ryan Gosling, that’s a job that’s too big for feminism to be left to tackle on it’s own.

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