mind's eye

[thegoodvybe]

[officialaudreykitching-deactiva]

‪I think beautiful things are about to happen.

I trust that.‬

[goodnightangayle]

here I am 22, year 2019, a changed woman. Reading my old posts on this account got me cringing lol but my 17-19 year old self would probably still be disappointed in the spot that she’s in but she’ll be okay mentally. Bad days here and there but it’s okay, you’re making your way and exploring and it’s scary but it’s okay.

I have a lot of demons to face and that I really need to work on but I’m so grateful for those who have been patient with me, who have been kind to me, who have loved me for me. Thank you.

I believe this year I will try my best to make peace with myself

5/13/19 Update: It’s been a rollercoaster..I’ve been my worst self lately and I’m not sure what I’m doing...I feel like I’m just floating in air..just wandering and just getting by. I hope I stop feeling so heavy

[goodnightangayle]

where do i start. i havent found self love. im not who i want to be still. im digging deeper and deeper into this dark hole. I’ve just given up on the fact of who i am and what i am, i feel empty, i dont feel like my soul belongs in this body. I’ve made mistakes and i cant take them back. I ponder too much on the past and the now mistakes. Im dizzy, my mind is racing, i feel like everything is spinning. i know i deceive a lot of people with my kindness and the smile i plaster on my face but im coming to a point where i cant keep it up anymore, im just blanked out. If you see me and notice that i stare off into the distance or i say what a lot or have to ask again what you said, its literally bc i am not mentall here. i am lost in my own world, my mind goes in circles, i dont pay attention. im just lost. help me.

[goodnightangayle]

my depression and anxiety has really taken its toll on me. I can’t explain the severe pain i feel every single day. I don’t know what else to do. Everything i do, i fail. I try to keep up with a few friends and i fail. Im unmotivated, i can’t move. The only person who is physically and mentally pushing me through this is Marcel but i feel like i am the biggest burden. I don’t want to be with him if im like this. I blame myself everyday for being this way. I have no family, its separated. I’ve failed and disappointed my mom, my sister has no care in the world, my brother is alone, my dad is living his own life. Christmas was shit this year, New years was even terrible bc i wasn’t with my family and my mom didnt enjoy new years bc of drama that had happened. She told me i didn’t miss out on much. I’m a shitty daughter, im a shitty person who acts like I’m ok. I try to be okay when im with close friends. they keep telling me it will be ok and im hoping it will but i really don’t want to be here. Im in so much pain. I can’t be here. I don’t want to be here. I’ve been fighting this for too long.. 4-5 years too long. I hate myself for not getting the help that i need but im so stuck that im too afraid to reach out for help. I don’t want to be here. Im sorry. goodbye. 

[goodnightangayle]

It's hard for me to hang out with people when they are being negative towards me bc I already deal with enough of my own negative thoughts.

[goodnightangayle]

I'm a very frustrated person..every day I am frustrated. Doesn't matter where I am , who I'm with. I will be constantly frustrated.

[goodnightangayle]

It makes me sad when my sister thinks of me as her mom. My mom is out here hussling and trying to make sure we live good but that costs us of not seeing her all the time and never getting to talk bc she comes home tired and goes straight to bed. My sister and my mom don't have the strongest bond, so when my mom is off ..it's hard for all three of us to talk and bond. I don't go to college and only have one job (under the table) and work Saturday-Sunday that's it. But during the week I'm taking care of my sister, trying to tend to her needs and wants. If she needs to go somewhere, I'm her ride. If she sick, I gotta get her the things she needs. I stay home cook & clean or buy whatever food bc no one else wants to do it. My brother on the other hand he's able to take care of himself, he's 23 but has a very bad heart condition and he's home everyday..so I'm watching him too, making sure he doesn't carry big stuff or if he's feeling ok. I don't look out for myself anymore... my money doesn't go to wants, it goes to needs for the house and for me to live. I'm too busy worrying about my mothers hestorectomy and my brothers heart surgery. I gotta stay home to make sure the guys who are renovating my house are able to get inside. My mind is on other things ..just not myself. I don't know what im doing with my life still, i don't know if I still want to go to college. Im really at a loss here. Also I'm going to stop taking birth control pills bc I realized it made me more depressed and I've had multiple attempts and the fact that I was already depressed before taking them has made it overwhelming with the circumstances I'm in and what has happened the past year. I'm very blessed to have a family, to have a house still and that I'm still trying. I just can't help but still feel sad that i am not who i want to be, im not happy who i am or how my attitude is. My temper is way too high, im tired of having short out bursts and im tired of always feeling tired. There are days where I don't move at all, there are days where my boyfriend has to come over and take my outside to breathe. I'm still lost how I was 5 years ago. My motivation has left me. I'm ONLY pushing to keep my family at ease and my sister happy as possible. That's all I'm doing, nothing else.

[lookingforanepiphany]

Keith Haring in 1989: “Unfinished Painting”. Haring died few months after and this is his last painting. This is supposed to be a self-portrait. Haring knew he wouldn’t have enough time to finish it. This is one of the saddest but certainly the most powerful thing I’ve ever seen.

[auntbutch]

to clarify: this is a finished self portrait. haring did know that he would be unable to continue to work; this “unfinished” painting refers to that self-consciously as a visualization of how the aids crisis and government neglect robbed him of his life and future career.

i feel like this distinction is important? there are many artists who died due to hiv/aids and left unfinished work, but haring made this specifically to comment on his impending death. i feel like stating that it’s actually unfinished takes away some of his agency as an artist/activist/pwa and the political power of the work. 

[goodnightangayle]

thank god I have someone who I can be 100% comfortable with and be myself. Every time I get to be with that person, I finally unwind and not stress about anything. I can finally stop being so insecure and anxious. Finally I won't feel judged for saying something wrong or what I do. thank you for being with me and being the person who doesn't bring me down. I love you

[goodnightangayle]

I try to be the nicest person as possible but I'm always getting shit thrown at my face. I'm trying to work with you here, do what you want and make you happy but there's so much I can do. Idk what you want from me.

[call-me-bekki]

I want to tell you I miss you with no subtext. No guilt, no anger, no expectation that you’ll fix it. I don’t want you to feel bad or to tell me it will get better. This is where we are meant to be right now – me apart from you, my hands a little empty and my heart a little sad. I just miss you. I wanted you to know.

anne, fyi (via call-me-bekki)

[goodnightangayle]

i wanted to kill myself again I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm so fucking tired I don't belong here And I hate saying and explaining bc I just get the same advice every time and not that I don't appreciate it but it's just me man..its just me. I always stay quiet about this in real life Here is my only outlet bc I can't let this shit in But man TBH I really just don't say shit about these deep negative feelings (I've ALWAYS been having) to anyone bc there's just no point It's been apart of me since middle school I just can't anymore I'm constantly feeling like I don't belong And I'm always feeling this way I've BEEN feeling this way And I'm too afraid to reach for help Bc at the same time I want to be alone I love love love being by myself And it's a struggle to date someone who needs you also I barely talk about it with him but when I do it's a constant argument So I don't say anything anymore but if he knew I was having suicidal thoughts again , I wouldn't want to hear or see the look on his face I feel like a heavy burden Always

[goodnightangayle]

fuck outta here with your ungrateful ass.

[goodnightangayle]

whoever reads this, this is me saying goodbye for awhile. I haven't found the help that I need, nor am I trying hard enough to reach for it. So I've decided to just disconnect for a moment. To be alone because haven't had that in awhile Because I've been trying to do what others want me to do. I haven't taken care of myself like I wanted too. But this depression has worsen and my episodes have gotten bad. And I'm sorry if I've neglected anyone I don't mean too, I just need time for myself.

[wordsnquotes]

I have actually always been quite open about having depression. By depression, I don’t mean being sad. I mean a health condition that comes from time to time and has different symptoms and is very debilitating. I’ve mentioned it publicly in the past, but I have always wanted to write about it. I was meeting many people who I could tell were also depressive, and I was noticing how hush-hush it all was, how there was often a veil of silence over it, and I think the terrible consequence of silence is shame. Depression is difficult. It is difficult to experience, difficult to write about, difficult to be open about. But I wanted to do it. For myself, in a way, because it forced me to tell myself my own story, which can be helpful. But also for other possible sufferers, especially fellow Africans, because there is something very powerful about knowing that you are not alone, and that what happens to you also happens to other people. Depression is something I have recognized since I was a child. It is something I have accepted. It is something I will have to find ways to manage for the rest of my life. Many creative people have depression. I wonder if I would be so drawn to storytelling if I were not also a person who suffers from depression. But I am very interested in de-mystifying it. Young creative people, especially on our continent, have enough to deal with without thinking – as I did for so long – that something is fundamentally wrong with feeling this strange thing from time to time. Our African societies are not very knowledgeable or open or supportive about depression. People who don’t have depression have a lot of difficulty understanding it, but people who have it are also often befuddled by it.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, “Interview with Olisa” (via irlsiren)

[atlanxic-deactivated20250205]

sometimes you say or do bad things while you’re in an awful mental place. sometimes you say things that are rude or uncalled for or manipulative. and i’m not going to hold that against you. mental illness is hard, and no one is perfect. but once you’re through that episode, you need to take steps to make amends. you need to apologize.

“i couldn’t help it, i was having a bad episode” is a justification, not an apology.

“i’m so fucking sorry, i fucked up, i don’t deserve to live, i should stop talking to anyone ever, i should die” is a second breakdown and a guilt trip. it is not an apology.

when you apologize, the focus should be on the person you hurt. “i’m sorry. i did something that was hurtful to you. even if i was having a rough time, you didn’t deserve to hear that,” is a better apology. if it was a small thing, you can leave it at that.

if you caused significant distress to the other person, this is a good time to talk about how you can minimize damage in the future. and again, even if it is tempting to say you should self-isolate and/or die, that is not a helpful suggestion. it will result in the person you’re talking to trying to talk you out of doing that, which makes your guilt the focus of the conversation instead of their hurt.

you deserve friendship, and you deserve support. but a supportive friend is not an emotional punching bag, and mental illness does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions. what you say during a mental breakdown doesn’t define you. how you deal with the aftermath though, says a lot.