i wish you actually cared about how i felt and because you don’t i wish i could actually stop wanting any type of affection from you.
i wish i never had to see you or speak to you again. if leaving you or keeping me and my daughter away from you didn’t hurt her, i would never speak to you again.
you break my heart over, and over and over and over again and i allow it.
i see you and still want to love you. i see you and still want to hold you and kiss you. i still want you to smile at me and tell me to come here and touch me.
i can’t believe i’m being punished. God is punishing me every single day for what i dont know but bringing a child into this is so evil. i know God is real. i know he is but i don’t know if he’s only love anymore because how this shit feels. it feels like hell and what? i’m supposed to blame the devil when i’m supposed to be God’s child and supremely protected? none of this shit makes sense. absolutely none of it and i can’t get away from none of the feels. i have at least 18 years. i have 18 years to try and raise a happy healthy human. i now have to fight to be happy and healthy myself. i have to fucking fight for a life that was effortless. that was easeful or maybe that’s not true. i used to pray for a life of ease maybe that’s impossible. i was so grateful and i promise i remain that way. i find little things and big things to be grateful for because i know it could be worse but this feels terrible. it feels like hell and just when i feel like im over the hurt another day comes and brings me right back to hell. i have to change. my mindset has to change. i have to change my life. i have to change the people. i have to change everything in it because i cant live like this anymore. i cant live like this. i am so unhappy at my core. at my center.
