Dear Diary,

A personal place to share my thoughts. It may not happen everyday. But when it does, hopefully it'll mean something.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

Did you know I was a cheater? A bad person that cheated on their significant other’s all because I wanted more dick? I wanted to feel good. And wanted the close aspects of what it is like to BE in a relationship with another person?

Did you know, that when I wanted someone.. I chased them? I chased hard too. Even if THEY were taken. I didn’t care, if they talked big.. then I was going to see just HOW BIG they were. And I chased.

A man with confidence is attractive. And a woman that knows what she wants.. gets a man with confidence, ROCK HARD. I’ve been around the block. I’m not a hooker.. but I’m kind of a slut. I know what I like and if you didn’t have it.. I fuckin bailed on your ass and chased the next thing that WOULD AND WILL give it to me.

I want sex. I want to fuck the holy light out of his prideful ego. I want to darken his soul with my lust. I want to take that dick, wrap my lips around it and suck, gulp, slobber, slurp, grab, hold, and nuzzle it for hours. (maybe even days)

I want to open my pussy to his steamy hot cock. I want the smell to puncture my nostrils and have the aroma cling to my body. I want his cock to fuck me hard, so rough I scream, so rough it breaks the interior of the basement, causing the house to topple over. I want to fuck that dick til I die.

I want to satisfy him like I once did. I want to leave him limp for days and STILL want more from him. I want to sit on his face and suffocate him with my thighs, lick me till you drown. I want to undulate over him and watch his eyes roll back. I want him to take me by surprise and knock me over with his strength and tease the opening of my pussy with his steaming hot cock.

I want it. Sooo badly.

I want it..

I want.. it..

I want to fuck him.

I want to look him in the eyes and caress his cheek and tell him that he is the best. That he works hard for the money, that he works hard to be the best man he can be. That this pussy belongs to him and is in no way, shape of form.. ANYONE ELSE’S property.

I used to be a cheater. Did you know this? Now? I’m in an open relationship with a wonderful human being. A positive thinker. He has anger issues and hates drama and gossip. But, he lives to make me happy. And i, for him. I want to fuck him. I want to kneel down and eat him.

But, what do I do when I can’t have him?

I wait.

I mean, I have MANY men to choose from and I COULD do them. But, I ask him permission first and he asks me permission as well. We have an understanding.

But, if I can’t have him.

I wait.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

Had I known he came back. I would not have initiated. Now, I feel like I just betrayed trust. And boundaries that I was asked to not cross. But, I didn’t know that he was here.. what does one do. How does one deal? I’m not entirely sure that I can apologize. I don’t feel like I have anything to apologize for.. yet I feel ashamed…? My friends are turning me into a prude. And I hate it.

I’m beginning to hate them for closing apart of me off for their silly selfish little reasons. And I’m going nutts. It doesn’t help that I’m on my monthly dot. Which means that I’m already moody and feeling weird feelings.

Ugh!! I hate not knowing what the fuck is going on. Communication sounds great. And there’s less and less of it.

Is it b/c I’m sleeping with mine? Is that why it’s just assumed that he’ll be back without telling me so that I don’t cross boundaries and fuck up people’s days?

I swear if I get a conversation rallied up b/c I DIDN’T KNOW! I.. dont know what I would do.

I just feel like the bad guy more often than not nowadays. So, fuck it.. I guess.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

My friends.. I swear to god.. ya'll some dumb motherfuckers! JUST GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! omfg! Ugh! But, I still love you. Keep fighting the good fight.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

It’s 2 days til my birthday. And I’ve invited so many people. And I’m excited! But, I’m scared. That in the middle of the day.. a rush of loneliness will go through me.

Tonight, that same rush is going through me. Things that I’ve been told at the beginning of the week.. aren’t happening. My cat.. won’t come be with me, no matter how much I call him. I teared up and cried.

A boy I know has multiple days off. And only a few of them were with me. And none were with me the way I wanted them to be; however, I can’t control what this boy wants.

And I’ve created a blog out of vain feelings and actions. And to be honest.. I hope I get a lot of attention from it. It’ll be the most attention, compliments, emotional action that I’ve gotten in such a long while.

This makes me wonder if I’m such a terrible person for thinking the way I do. And it kinda sucks not really having anyone tell you if you are or not. Most of the time, it’s just about people being silent and wanting nothing to do with confrontational situations?

*Sighs* this is why I choose to drink.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

Have you ever felt lonely? Not the typical normal lonely where anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. And by law, I mean your brain. No, no. Not that kind of loneliness.

The kind that happens when you sit with yourself and you realize you don’t have anyone to talk to about the kinds of topics you like. Like, at all. No matter how you tend to bring something up, it’s immediately shot down by the negative reinforced comments such as, “I’d really prefer to not hear about ________.” Or “No offense, buuuut…” etc. Sorry, but not really sorry. You as the person’s I deem to be my friends are supposed to help in time of need and those times of needs can and really should be.. the times where you would not want to hear about whatever it is. But, kinda listen anyway.. and give advice (if at all asked for it) based on what you might do.

A few people actually read these entries. And by a few, I mean the people in my life outside of the internet. There are a lot of comments said aloud that kinda hurt to hear. A lot of things said aloud by moi and then shot down. A ton of problems that I’m hoping to relieve, but I am ultimately left with comments that make my voice fade into the void. It’s not pretty. It’s actually very ugly. It displays the same sort of loneliness that blood families openly or discreetly display.

There is no hiding who you are, especially if you have felt great comfort in it for years; however, the term, “you are who you hang out with” becomes even more real as days go by. The you, you thought was cool.. that you thought you could open a new, more exciting life around. It slowly fades back into your void and the person you wanted to go away reappears because of the negative reinforced comments.

But, what do you do? Well, you can sit and let yourself be destroyed. Or fight back.. to those that won’t listen even if it hurts everytime.. that they give you these confusing comments.

It’s all a huge drag.. but, the end message of this entry is: I need more friends that are as into sex as hardcore as I. Female friends that I can speak to about different positions to use or that I have used. Give pointers to them, have them give pointers to me. And the same for my boyfriend. He needs a sexy friend that he can talk about his sex life with me, openly with. We have been on the search for 2 years now. And so far, I fear that I am feeling shameful about our sex life.

Anyway, that’s enough. Talk to ya’ll later.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

"Aren't you lucky you're a girl." My step father says. I believe, that yeah.. things would be much tougher for me if I got the same treatment as a man or boy gets. Like, if they didn't have a job for 4 years, my step father says he'd kick them out without any thought. And give them a taste of the real world. But, b/c I'm a girl, life would be different for me and I would turn into something different. And that was his quote to me. I'm conflicted.. b/c everyone turns to shit when they get kicked out and they have to try REALLY hard to pick themselves up. I'm just glad I have gotten the chance to work and be loved by people that I may argue with.. but, I am still loved by those people. And that's all that matters. Right?

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

Play persona 4 again.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

Stop being a two faced beeeatch! Dammit. You should learned from that one guy who you thought was cool, but.. stuff. You know who I'm talking about. And if you dont. His name starts with an S. So, be a better person..

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

Reminder of the night, don't be drunk when talking about feelings But, anyway, a friend whom is very important to you is concerned that you do not show even the sincerest feelings when a problem is brought up, that you have done (either now, or in the past) and truth be told... future me. You gotta stop bein a bitch. Your friends deserve better than what you give. Get over yourself. The world doesn't revolve around you. They also feel like you haven't learned anything.. (especially for those that have known you longer). Accept their feelings and learn from it. And if you cant, learn with them instead of rejecting there feelings. B/c you've done that with your blood relatives. Doesnt mean that they understand, you need to understand them with yourself more. If you want your friends to trust and love you.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

I'm thinking of creating a new blog just for pictures of myself. I need to start appreciating myself more. I'm already posting pics of me on instagram. Why not put them in another place where people may also share joy in another human being loving themselves, ya know? But, I get nervous. I haven't exactly made the decision yet. I'll bye things that make me look good. But I wonder, will this bring out a vanity in myself that I didn't want? Should I really do this?

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

Today I was told that I treat a person I love, like shit. But, I'm more hurt that he won't tell them what I've been telling him for days now. But, no matter what I've learned that.. he won't.. no. He says he will. So, I should believe him. But, I'm right.. at least I think so.. He doesn't want to spend the time with just me. And, that's fine. I can live with that. I'm not the best person. I'll just keep waiting for him to want me as much as he says. I hope he can show me more than he says. But, I shall think that everything is fine until then.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

Did you ever think that maybe it's b/c you want so badly to hear yourself talk.. ALL THE FUCKING TIME!! Rather than actually try to understand your own daughter, is the entire reason why I don't fucking say anything to you. Back the fuck up, I swear.. next thanksgiving and we have it.. I'm just gonna leave half eaten food and walk out the front door and go spend it with people that wont judge me anytime I try to explain my side of anything.. GOOD I'M SO FUCKING ANNOYED RIGHT NOW!

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

What if I told you, that I've recently thought about suicide? Would you judge me? Would you watch me constantly? Would you say something to me? Would it worry you so? I'm a firm believer in less people, and the more people that exist, the more problems people have. No matter how much I've expressed my feelings about any topic to my friends.. the more I'm just bumbarded with "and?" "Eh." Or just plain.. silence. How am I supposed to feel myself around people that I'm supposed to.. be myself around..? I'm so confused.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

I learned something today. I learned that despite knowing things that I thought I knew; despite feeling the way I've been feeling (towards friends, family, my relationship or otherwise); and despite doing something about it or not.. there's still a barrier. No matter how much I try to break the barrier between myself and my loved ones.. no matter how much my past has broken me.. I still can't move on from .. my past. My past follows me wherever I go, and it doesn't stop. All I have is distractions. I try to move on from what has happened, but everyday.. the people I hang out with.. it's just forever brought up. I just want to move on from my shitty 20 year old self. And as much as everyone tells me that moving on is simple, that I should just forget. It's harder when those same people keep asking the questions.. when they keep telling the stories. It's hard to not feel some sort of shame. I've lost.. many of really decent friends b/c of the mistakes I've done. And I've made some pretty fucked up mistakes. And I've owned up to them. But, it feels as though.. that no matter what I've tried to do to get over it, move on, fix it.. everyday, now, just feels like I'm going 5 steps back.. when I'm thinking that I'm growing 3 steps forward. I've learned something new today. And to be honest.. I don't feel good anymore. I had a really good day.. but then that. I'm not okay right now. Disrespect. Is the one thing that sticks out for me. And there's nothing that can be done.. Good night.

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

Blueberries are lies. They aren't blue, they are purple. I don't even see how they can be berries... Where's the seed?! Eating one doesn't turn my tongue blue. I don't understand blueberries. They are lies and anything that they are put in.. I won't eat. ~Gothic Princess~

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

Dear Diary,

Can we just talk about how much the Disney princesses just look… Terribly disfigured? The new shine in the dresses are nice.. I guess?? But otherwise… The excessive make up.. And higher cheek bones. They just look fake now. They don’t look like how they did when I was a kid. I’m extremely unsure as to why Disney thought that more make up an shinier settings would work out for their princesses?? I feel like they should have left the old princesses be who they have been for years. I don’t know, I’m a bit put off by our new princesses. Belle doesn’t even look French anymore.. ~Gothic Princess~

[gothickittenprincess-blog]

DEAR READERS,

This’ll be quick! Maybe.

Sometimes in life, you need to be comfortable with letting people go. If you feel you’ve become waaaaaay to different. Or that they are waaaaaaaay to different from you. Maybe you shouldn’t be friends anymore. DEAL!

(~Kitten~)