Finding Gozza

F27 ~ Christian ~ Learning how to love health

[gozzabear26]

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written. This transition into full time work and creating that routine has resulted in me just wanting to do nothing at any spare moment that I have. I think that’s ok for a few weeks of starting a new season. Change is hard and takes up more energy than we anticipate.

In saying that, I don’t want to carry that into the new year, so bit by bit this week I’ve been slowly getting ready for the new year. I have my goals down and have a clear idea of my focus for the year. I decluttered and cleaned my bathroom drawer. I moved my room around. I’m still not totally happy with it but I think thats because I haven’t decorated the walls? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’ll get a couple of plants too. I cut up an old calendar I had and have framed one of the pictures and I absolutely love it! Makes me smile every time I look at.

My health and nutrition have taken a bit of a break the past couple of weeks. I’ve joined My Fitness Pal and was logging for a solid week but it’s still a habit I’m trying to build. Same with tracking my spending. It’ll take time. I just have to remember the habit wont be built overnight. It might take a couple of months before it becomes proper routine. I just need to figure out a way to build it all into a system.

I finish work in 3 days for a couple of weeks and I’m away for majority of those 2 weeks so I want to make sure I leave the house in a way that I’ll be happy to come back to. Will be a busy 3 days but it’s going to be so rewarding!

[gozzabear26]

Without realising, grief has been slowly building up until yesterday it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I miss my ex. And for some reason I feel embarrassed to say that. It's been 8 months since I last saw him, and we weren't absolutely not healthy for each other so it's not something I want to go back to. He was a workaholic by day and alcoholic by night. But what I miss is his companionship and the fun we used to have. Because the thing about going through life with a loved one who has an addiction is you don't just see the bad, see all the good in the middle of it. It's those little flashes that I miss.

Had a good hour and half cry about it yesterday on the ferry home and I think it really released a lot of the weight I didn't know I was carrying. I've been so busy with college and church these past 2 years and then heading straight full time work I haven't had time to pay attention. I've also reduced the amount I'm serving in church now that I've finished college and I think that small change has given my mind and emotions time to catch up.

But I know this is only a season. Because at the end of the day God has someone out there for me. Someone who is going to nuture and challenge me. Someone who will be excited with me about the things God is doing in church. That's what I lacked the most with my ex. He just didn't understand my greatest needs. But someone will. And until then I'll keep pressing into God and into community. As much as I want to isolate and run away, community it what I need the most.

[gozzabear26]

I spent $270 on eating out this week!! What the actual? I'm actually embarrassed... Mmm no embarrassed isn't the right word.. I'm not really sure what I feel. It's not as bad as shame or guilt, but it's definitely not good. Maybe conviction? $270! That's almost 2 weeks rent. The only thing I've bought from the supermarket this week is a 5 pack of noodles cause I needed something cheap for lunches for the next 4 days until payday cause I have no money left.

Going back to having (and using) a budget will be so good. I'm definitely a spender not a saver - something I need my future husband to be to keep me under control 😅

I was watching a vlog last night and she lost her job completely unexpectedly at the end of her probation (trial period when starting a job). She didn't go into detail out of respect and professionality but I get the feeling it was a case of the company wanting to cut costs and she was the most recent hire. I felt really bad for her, but it also got me into a bit of a worry about my own job. I'm very new and my probation is only 90 days. So on the chance that I do end up losing my job I want to have as much of my debt cleared as possible. So bring on the budget!

On the note of weightloss, my mum said she's trying to lose a little bit of weight so I asked if we could be accountability partners. I need to figure out what that means for both of us (because we have very different amounts of weight to lose and live very different lifestyles) but I'm excited for it. I think it will be a good way for us to get closer. Shes on My Fitness Pal so rejoined. I might post my weekly progress on here as another form of accountability or journey sharing.

I'm going fishing tomorrow with work. I hate fishing - the smell, the morals, everything. But it's my first work function so I want to do what I can to connect with people. I have to be in the city at 6:30am which means leaving my house at 5:10am!! And tonight I'm out playing pool with my eGroup (church connect/life group) for the final one of the year so late night/early morning combo. You bet I'll be sleeping on the bus tomorrow morning!

[morethansalad]

Sweet & Sour Lychee Tofu (Vegan)

[gozzabear26]

Nu fone hu dis

Yesterday was a very spendy Friday. Started the day off buying an umbrella but after owning a Blunyt umbrella last year, losing that on the bus and having to use a crappy one I couldn't just buy any old umbrella. Not cheap. I did find the last one I had a tad small so bought a size up. Its unnecessary how excited I am to get all my rain gear. I can't remember what I've already mentioned but I bought a raincoat, rain pants and bag cover as well ealier this week. So I won't ever get caught in an unnecessary downpour again!

Went out for lunch with my workmates and then on the way home I bought a phone 😂 Nothing to do with Black Friday I promise. There was no discounts. But I'm on a companion plan with my best friend so I pay $35 for 12gb max speed data (plus unlimited slower speed, texts and calls). I thought I would need to go on a motr expensive plan to get a phone on interest free but the lady said I don't need to. So I worked out the difference if I were to go on the cheapest non-companion plan and pay off the phone and it was an $1650 difference over the 36 months! In my mind I somehow worked that out to be paying only $550 for the phone. I'm not sure why that was the conclusion but it was enough to convince me to go for it 🤷‍♀️ So here I am with a new phone and finally back on apple.

I'm on my way home from house-sitting and I'm excited for my own bed. I spend the day doing nothing but I think it's going to take quite some time not feeling guilty for that because I'm so used to having assignments or things to organize in the afternoons. Whereas now, when my work day/week is finished, I don't have to do anything. It's weird. But nice. I'll enjoy it eventually.

My brother came up to visit for like an hour while him and his girlfriend are up here buying a car. It was short but sweet. Everyone is up next weekend for my graduation so that'll be nice.

And that's the update. Stupid bus was a no show so I'm just gonna watch more Grand Designs while I wait for the next one.

[gozzabear26]

Day 24

Heading home to do nothing with no background pressure of assignments for the first time in months and I. Am. Excited!

I'm house sitting this week and haven't been there that much because of midweek church events, but it's been good. I'm appreciating the extra half hour I have in the mornings and also confirming that I would love to live on my own. So that's my drive to get my debt paid off! Christians Against Poverty, the agency I'm working with to pay everything off, have estimated everything to be cleared by April which is only 1 month more than what I had estimated. I'm happy with the new budget. I think as much as I would have liked to clear everything faster, it's important to also enjoy the season I'm in by giving myself a little bit extra budget for groceries, and also putting in a little more into my savings.

Food and health wise, my steps have been pretty good, but my water has not, and neither had my diet. A lot of take always lol. Still contemplating getting hello fresh or something from next week. It's expensive but to be honest the amount I'm eating out definitely costs more when you add groceries on top. Plus it'll be way better for my health!

That's my little catch up. I'm sitting on the bus on my way home and the plan tonight is to eat dinner and watch grand designs.

[bibleblogs]

[gozzabear26]

Day 21

Periods suck. Had pretty bad cramps yesterday and then today was just super heavy. I didn't go into work today. The only comfortable position on my first day is lying on my back or side so pretty much spent the whole day in bed.

It did mean I got to finish Virgin River, and they left it on a cliff hanger which means there's another season coming 🙌 and then spent the rest of the day watching YouTube and scrolling Kmart and The Warehouse for ways to spend my money 😂 nothing was bought though. And then I started taking down ideas for my bullet journal next year. I was going to buy a whole new planner (and to be honest I still might) but I do like the idea of being creative and flexible with my journal. And now that I have Sundays off I want to make that my planner day.

Finished the day with a flat dinner and everyone was there. There's 7 of us (and 1 to come when we fill the empty room) so it's a rarity to get everyone in the same room. It was nice. No meeting or things to go over, just hanging out. It was nice. It got deep pretty quickly. I think most of us are pretty deep thinkers and we're all quite different so I enjoy hearing the different perspectives on things.

And then closed the day off with a little walk on the beach and into bed by 9:30. Thankfully I don't have to think about my outfit for tomorrow cause I laid it out for today before calling in sick so will just we're that.

Hope everyone's having a good start to their week!

[gozzabear26]

Day 19

I am so grateful for the friendships I have made at church over the past two years. As I was getting ready Friday night, my friend was saying how proud she was of the growth I've made and the fact that this is the longest I have stayed at church. There's only 2 other places in my life that I have stayed at for longer than 2 years: the house we lived in during my final 3 years of high school, and my job as a lifeguard (and that one I forced myself to stay at so that I could have a decent job length on my CV).

I had thoughts of moving to Hamilton or somewhere else as I was coming to the end of the semester but I think that was because I was so used to starting a new season in a new place.

Anyway, Friday night was really nice! Just friends and food. It was just doing life together. One of the girls hit the nail on the head when she said "it's so nice doing this without it being attached to a birthday or something." I think we get so used to going out being associated with big events and forget to just do something just because.

I tidied my room last night. Sure, I was procrastinating my assignment but man did it feel good once I had finished it. I filmed the whole thing and am going to upload it to YT as a real time clean with me. I found out about body doubling yesterday and was thinking it would be great to clean with someone virtually so that's where the idea came from. We had the most ridiculous 10 minute storm pass through while I was cleaning. Hail and everything. And then it turned to drizzle and that was it. Auckland weather is honestly the weirdest.

I did get one of my assignments done. It was a reflective one and only 900 words so was super easy! Just have my overdue one to finish and then I am FINISHED! In 18 hours I will have finished 2 years of study and earned a whole ass diploma! What the heck!

Definitely excited to celebrate that at my graduation. And my family are coming up from Hamilton which I'm very thankful for.

Our new pastors are preaching for the first time tomorrow. I'm excited to get to know them. I'm also sharing a testimony tomorrow on stage, about college so I need to figure out what I'm going to say. It's only a minute but I had a stress dream the other day that I spoke for half an hour. That definitely won't be happening but I do need to prep that tomorrow on my way to church.

On that note, I need to sleep.

Pō mārie (good night)

[gozzabear26]

Day 17

Things are wrapping up and it's definitely a season of celebration at the moment.

I hung out with a friend yesterday day who's been super busy with exam prep and thesis work. It was super spontaneous so was very lucky to catch her. We got Pita Pit and went for a little walk and just chatted about all sorts. Definitely not enough time but it filled my soul!

And then today we had our final class and then a praise party. That too was really wholesome. Just hearing everyone honouring each other and the things our teachers saw in us. I was given the Kintsugi award and I found that very prophetic. I love the concept of Kintsugi and definitely feel that's what God has done in my life over the past couple of years. He hasn't just put me back together, but he's used that mending to create art and turn the brokenness into gold. So beautiful!

And then I went shopping lol! There's a ship that I've discovered that's designed for bigger sizes, and they have a outlet store on the west side of the city so went there with a friend and found this beautiful jumpsuit which was half price and then popped over to a shoe shop (with no intention of buying) and found these heels that fit perfectly just not with my new jumpsuit, but also a few items in my wardrobe (cause you're girl ain't a 1 shoe per outfit kinda gal). They were also on sale for $35. So a very successful outing!

And then the final thing that was really exciting is I paid off the balance of one of my debt accounts. I had an overdraft account with a bank which defaulted a couple of years ago, and I've been slowly chipping away at it. But I made a plan a couple of weeks ago to pay that one off with this paycheck, and then pay another one with the next paycheck. Then I'm down to 2 accounts!

So that's my Wednesday and Thursday. Going out for dinner tomorrow night with some friends to celebrate getting a job which will be fun! I don't eat out at restaurants very often so I'm excited!

[gozzabear26]

Day 15

How the heck has it already been a week since my last post? 😮 Time honestly feels fast as you get older!

It's been a big week that's for sure! Have done 5 days at work and I'm starting to get the hang of things. My colleague is fairly confident in leaving me to do the work without needing to hover which feels good. I'm also getting into a good rhythm with my mornings, although this morning I slept in till 6 and didn't get out of bed until 6.10 so was a bit of a rush getting out the door. Really want to get that down but it's definitely getting easier waking up at 5 the more I do it.

Food and fast wise... Well... Yeah. I was at a friends place this weekend and it was snack central! (That reminds me I need to transfer her money lol) but I haven't had a weekend stay at anyone but my friends place since 2014 so that was cool getting to know her a little more. Other than that I'm mostly sticking to having my first meal at 12 but still struggling to finish at 8... I just love snacks and if it's in front of me I'm likely to eat it! I can definitely feel the Holy Spirit's conviction each time I do but I can also hear the enemy's voice coming at me with condemnation so the positive in that is being able to discern.

Hmm, what else has happened this week?

Oh! I got my first paycheck on Thursday, which is wasn't expecting to get at all. I was expecting for this week to be my first one so that was great! Sent that straight to church for my first fruits offering, did that as soon as I saw it so that I couldn't tempt myself out lol. I'm reading The Blessed Life by Robert Morris and really enjoying it. I recommend it if you want to know more about tithing and financial generosity.

Once this weeks paycheck comes in I'll do a proper breakdown of the money. Because I'm in a position where there's overlap of my student allowance and work pay I actually think I'm going to hold off touching my paycheck money to Sunday night and have that be my weekly financial review day. I might even upload a YouTube video. Haven't uploaded in a while.. I'm just not in the habit of filming yet.

Yea that's the catch up. Monday and today just had work. Was in bed by 9 last night which was great. Still on the bus home from eGroup tonight (it's 9.25) so probably going to go straight to bed as soon as I get home and sort my lunch in the morning.

Thanks for reading!

Hope your week is off to a great start!

[gozzabear26]

Day 8

First day of work today and it was a bit of a non starter. The servers went down like an hour after I arrived so I was shown around the building and met a few of the people in the office, but beyond that I could do any more training so ended up going home.

Was there for about an hour and then hung out with a friend before going to prayer meeting.

Fast wise I mostly did ok.. Except u had a couple of chips and a tangelo after prayer meeting cause I completely forgot I wasn't suppose to eat past 8 🤦‍♀️ Actually I'm going to set an alarm on my phone right now to remind myself....

Ok done. Hopefully that helps.

My flatmate just tested positive for COVID and I've had this sniffly nose for the past couple of days so I'll test when I get home. I really hope I just have a bit of a cold. I'd hate to have to take a week off work after just starting!

That's my catch up for the day. I found out last night I had an extra 24 hours before my overdue assignment was going to be deducted more percentage for being late so I'm gonna smash that out now. I thought it was already past that day so I'm stoked!

Catch y'all tomorrow

[gozzabear26]

Day 7

I caved. Yesterday I was supposed to fast the whole day. Last month I had decided to fast the first Sunday of each month as a way to sacrifice for church. I want to see our church filled with lives encountering the love of God, and so fasting on that Sunday is my way of sacrificing for the cause.

But it hit 1.30 and I was so friggin hungry. Last month was the first month I had done it and I remember being hungry but I think I was so busy that I didn't have time to notice as much, whereas yesterday there was a whole 3 hours of doing nothing so I noticed it more.

The sad thing is I didn't just eat, I went to KFC and got a box meal - I ate everything I wasn't supposed to.

It's done now. I was thinking on the way home last night and I think I'm trying to do too much at once. Fasting isn't supposed to be easy but I've gone from eating whatever whenever to eating restricted types of food and restricted times.

So I'm just going to stick to intermittent and try and eat between 12 and 8. I'm used to eating breakfast in the mornings and am hungry by 6am lol, and then in the evenings I getting super snacky so those 2 things combined is hard enough. Still trying to eat healthy because that's my long term goal anyway but that won't be attached to the fast.

I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not about how much I'm doing, it's about why. For God, for my foot and for my brother. I'm noticing more and more this year how performance based I am. I want to do enough for God and make Him proud. But He's already proud of me simply because I'm His daughter.

Anyway, that's week 1 done and boy did it feel like a long one!

First day of work today! I was clearly stressed cause I dreamt I had woken up when I was supposed to start and then when I actually wake up it was only 1am. I think that was God's little gift to me - His way of saying just relax and sleep.

I'm getting a bit of a cold though. Soo not good timing I had a lemsip drink this morning and have lacked a couple of tablets to have at lunch time. Really hoping to kick this quickly.

I'm working today. Holy crap... It just hit me. As of today I am a working woman, on that 9-5 grind. And the best part? I'm on a salary! I'm truly so grateful to God for this. The way it came about and the ease of it all can only be Him.

Thank you Jesus!

[gozzabear26]

Day 5 + 6

Missed a day of posting yesterday but I'm here now.

Yesterday was very successful eating wise. I ate between 12 and 8 and all Daniel approved foods. It's definitely getting easier to not eat until 12pm and it means I get to start with lunch. Speaking of lunch I'm also getting way better at making summer rolls! I changed the lettuce and added vermicelli and it made all the difference!

I was also sent my contract for my new job so signed and sent that off and then got approved for the Work Start grant that Work and Income offer so I could buy some work clothes, because everything in my wardrobe is either homeware or student outfits lol.

And then last night I arrived at the house that I'm sitting for the weekend and met the dogs. They're a lot but super cute. Just very excitable. And to end the night I chilled in the space for an hour or so.

And then today I went shopping with my old flatmate. I now need to shop at a store that's dedicated towards bigger sizes but you know what, after buying what i bought, I feel great! I also got 5 new bras and am so excited to throw away the grotty 2 bras that I've been using for the past 4 years! They've served me well but definitely time for them to go. I'm just excited to feel good on clothes that look great AND fit great AND are comfy! My student mind is blown 🤯

Food wise I did fairly well today. I forgot my rice paper so made everything into a salad and it was really nice! I also drank 2.5L and will probably finish the last 500ml before I go to sleep. I did eat a whole bag of chips... And I ate after 8pm but didn't realise that until I was halfway through my meal. It was tasty though. And healthy, and that's what I love.

Now I'm just trying to decide if I should stay up for a couple of hours to try finish my assignment or if I should go to sleep now and wake up early to do it tomorrow. Everyone's doing their fireworks around so I don't know how much sleep I'll get if I do sleep now.. But I am really tired..

[everythingfox]

Changed his mind

(via)

[gozzabear26]

Day 4

First day of the restarted fast went pretty well. Didn't eat until 12 and ate what I actually packed for lunch (and it was really yum!) Although I was craving warm food after sitting in a cold classroom for a couple of hours lol.

The only downfall was I ate after 8pm and I ate a lot - all Daniel Fast friendly, but a large quantity. I was watching TV with my flatmates and they were eating dinner and both of those are things that I'm not used to not eating with. TV = food. Other people eating dinner = me wanting to eat as well. That's ok. I kept it before 10pm so as long as I don't eat until 12pm I'll hit a fasting state.

Another accomplishment I hit yesterday was drinking more than 1L of water. I bought a new bottle that's bigger than the one I have (and it's stainless steel so it's sturdy) and just having that extra amount makes such a difference. Also not eating before 12, it was a way I could temporarily fill the hunger lol.

Yesterday I was definitely a little more focused on God when I was hungry so yay! I've started a new book called the Blessed Life by Robert Morris. It's all about stewarding money well and being generous. I want to finish it before I get my first pay from my new job because I don't want this sudden increase in income to go to waste. God has blessed me with this job so I need to first return His portion, and then pass on the blessing to others.

So that was my day. A pretty good one!

[gozzabear26]

Day 3

I thought about changing the title of these posts to the actual date but I love the idea of one day writing "Day 100", "Day 200", etc.

So this fast is going terribly and I have already lost my focus on the actual point - to spend more time with God and tune into hearing from Him more.

So I'm starting again. Sure it'll put me out of sync with the rest of the church but only by a couple of days and I'll feel better with a fresh start.

I officially have nothing left in my pantry/fridge that isn't Daniel Fast friendly so starting with a true clean slate.

I did have a thought last night about adding intermittent fasting and gave it a go this morning but by the time it hit 10am I was SO hungry and caved. Mind you. That's the point isn't it? To be in that state of hunger and use that as the cue to chat to Jesus.

Ok. I will give that a go. It does also solve the dilemma of the gross breakfast 😂 I'll just fill up on water and tea instead.

Speaking of water I only had 1L this morning and was SO thirsty tonight. I really need to up my hydration! 2L minimum.

I pulled out my bullet journal today. I haven't touched it since Feb! The great thing with that is Feb has the same date/day as Nov so the Title page just needed a month name change.

I also added in a little habit tracker and a page for the Fast. I'm not a fan of how the fast page turned out but that's ok. I'll still use it. It just has the prayer points for each day. I tried following the colour scheme that the church has for it but it just looks like I grabbed random colours.

Final class tomorrow for my Diploma! I'm excited. I really enjoyed this course and the tutor is such a great communicator, so it'll be a good day. Big commute though - 2.5 hours each way. So will spend time on the train reading. I'm going to delete social media (apart from Tumblr) to also remove distractions from engaging with God. Lord knows I need it! There's also this game on my phone that I play on the bus. It's just a collection of nonograms, and I spend so much time on it but there's so way to save my progress so I'm reluctant to delete it. First world problems, I know.

Anyway. Need to sleep. Getting up in 6 hours 😭 Last day, Lauren. Last day.