My Life as a Queer Teacher

Ro // They/Them // Secondary Mathematics Education

[gqteach]

Alright, I've got the time an energy to make a more positive post.

What are some good queer things that have happened recently at work? Well, I started a GSA! We have one member so far but we're a tiny school so it's the same percentage as having 10 members at my old school (don't think about that too hard lmao). We're making t-shirts and planning activities and I'm generally pretty excited about it.

Attempting to explain gender-neutral Spanish to my primarily-Spanish-speaking students has been rocky, but they're generally pretty cool about keeping to my preferred terms of address. It's hard to explain yourself in a language you only kind of speak, so we're calling it a win.

My one coteacher got engaged recently and I'm super hyped for him and his fiance. This has also led to two spectacular anecdotes as more and more students learn he's queer.

The first one is just. really cute.

Student: So you have a girlfriend? Him: No, I have a partner. Them: So you have a boyfriend? Him: No, I have a partner. Student, after taking a moment to think: Oh, are they like Mx. Ro?

I'm an example, y'all! I'm the touch-point through which several students are starting to understand and normalize nonbinary identities. It's very exciting. And heartwarming.

The other one occurred today with the same coteacher. We're learning about linear versus exponential functions, and a kid defined linear as "straight," so naturally, a student jokes, "I'm linear." To head any sort of homophobic joke off at the pass, my co-teacher goes, "I'm exponential."

This student proceeded to be very confused, and asked, "Wait...if you're gay, how do you have a fiance?"

I had to have it explained to me after the fact but I was just. utterly baffled. And I was like "You know we've been able to get married since 2015, right?"

Turns out she thought the word 'fiance' meant female specifically. Which, coteacher is technically bi, so there's also that, but I also just missed any sort of gender implication (not unusual). Picture me, scratching my head because I distinctly remember the Supreme Court case making gay marriage legal.

Another positive story: yesterday we had a fieldtrip, and when we got back, one of the kids called another a f*ggot. (But Ro, how is this a positive story? No, I promise, it ends cute.)

I incorrectly identified which kid said it and asked him point-blank what was wrong with being like me. After a couple rounds of confused back-and-forth, he was like "That wasn't me! There's nothing wrong with it. It's 2024. I mean, my sister's pan. I don't even know what that means but it's all cool!"

Which just. "idk what it means but it's cool" We love to see it! we love that kind of support. I'm curious about this kid's sister now, too; I don't think she's a student here, but she might be coming? Who knows. I already adore this kid, and this just won him some more points.

Those are just some highlights. So it's been good, lately, even with the nonsense. Things are good. This is a profession worth being in, to any of my original intended audience (a.k.a. trans people wondering if there's a space in education for them).

(2/15/2024)

[gqteach]

Whaddup, I'm back with another unhappy post. There've been good things and I'll try to post about them separately too, but this blog is about my experiences specifically as a trans teacher and uh man does this qualify.

TW transphobic sexual harassment, separate TW for it being from a minor/student

Never had a kid comment on my genitals prior to today. Never wanted to, would be happy if it never happened again. Elated even.

"But Ro," you say, "surely the most common transphobic motif, 'you have [x] genitals and therefore you are [y]' has come up before."

Nope! Because regardless of whether they were thinking it or not, every previous student (and coworker) has had the good sense to not say it out loud. Til today, anyway.

It started off relatively innocuously, with me correcting a different student on my pronouns. Y'know, as you do, because They/Them pronouns are difficult for students to get used to using. Annoying, but understandable, so I deal with it.

The girl asked why I use They/Them pronouns and did not appreciate my answer of "The same reason you use She/Her." I think she was attempting to insinuate something about what I 'really' am, but we didn't get there.

Because this other girl. Goes right on ahead and makes a guess about what my genitals are and what that means my gender must be. And says it with such certainty, too. Not "I think they have [x]." Just that I definitely do have [x].

"First of all, you have no idea what I have going on down there," I snapped. "And second of all, you shouldn't even be thinking about it, because I'm your teacher and that's wildly inappropriate."

Pretty sure she was recording (why do my kids record everything?), so that's fun. I would probably handle it exactly the same way over again, I just hate being recorded.

Anyway, instead of going, "oh, you're right, that's wildly inappropriate, my bad," this girl and the first one proceeded to make further commentary on whether I had the other binary set of genitals, or if I've had bottom surgery, or that I sounded defensive so they definitely had to be right, etc. etc.

(Whether or not she was right was inconsequential, I would have been equally as uncomfortable had she guessed a different set of genitals.)

There's a sweet butch lesbian who sits at that table and she joined in on their nonsense, but I honestly can't really be mad at her, because I know exactly what she was doing: trying to protect herself.

"Maybe if I laugh with them, they won't come for me next," you know? The same kind of mentality that leads to some of the intracommunity issues we see. If you can just be one of the good ones, they'll leave you alone.

Didn't work, of course, and they then proceeded to shit talk the butch about how she's actually a man, or *pats hand patronizingly* "confused", or whatever other nonsense. And then were like "??? Excuse me we weren't talking to you" when I objected.

"Why are you mad, we're not even talking about you?" Except you are, because I and everyone else like me is the punchline of this joke. Also, I'm not about to let you come for my butches, lesbians (especially black lesbians!) have fought too hard for their womanhood just for you to turn around and pretend the existence of nonbinary people mean GNC cis people don't exist.

The conversation ended with me walking away, because the two girls just kept getting madder and madder that I objected to how they were talking. I'm also an angry crier, so you know that I spent however long in the back of that classroom trying not to burst into pissed off sobs.

On the bright side, one of my kids who can be a massive jerk and wildly uncooperative (called me ugly to my face once, though I was more annoyed than offended) proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes consoling me, going on a long, rambling tangent about how they're just mean cuz they're sad inside and how their opinions don't matter. I'm also reasonably sure he was high as a kite, which just added to it, and he accidentally triggered some of that "raised Catholic" trauma, but I took it in the spirit it was intended. There was also another girl at the table who told the two that they were being idiots, and the butch checked in on me afterwards like "Hey, Mx. Ro, are you good? Like...for real." So it wasn't all bad.

But now I have to figure out how to handle this in terms of discipline. The whole situation makes my skin crawl and makes me feel that same "I'll never be clean again" feeling that touching a bad texture does, except in like. my soul. And I don't want to fill out the behavior report form, because I don't really want to write about it (to the people who deal with that sort of thing, because obvs I'm writing about it here). I don't think I'll be able to emotionally handle it if any adult involved in this process invalidates me in any way. I'm lowkey terrified someone's gonna try to tell me it's not sexual harassment because they don't understand what those words actually mean when they intersect with gender. I also just. You know. have no friggin' interest in talking about my genitals at work. Even the meta-conversation of "this student made a comment about them" is too close to that experience for my comfort. 0/10, do not recommend.

I dunno. I'm gonna take a day and think about it, probably. Figure out how I want to handle it. Because it needs to be handled. I just hate that I have to in the first place.

(1/29/2024)

[gqteach]

I don't normally reblog my posts, but since it's directly related, I figure it makes sense to thread it instead of making a new post.

I took the day off. It needed to be done for a variety of mental health reasons, and I was better for it.

I talked to the social worker the day after I got back and she agreed to try and sus out for me if a restorative conversation was possible. If it is, we're gonna try and have one. If it is not, she told me she'd fill out the report for me, so that's nice. It was about what I was hoping for.

Things have been...mostly normal with that student, and were even actually fine on a couple of those days. She ended up being in my small group when I took the kids to test elsewhere, and we were fine. But she also continues to have a weird preoccupation with genitals and was making comments about the butch lesbian's again, and what that really makes her, even though no one ever said that the kid wasn't a girl.

She's also been horrendously outright racist and tried to couch it in "It's just my opinion." So that was fun.

It's not resolved, but like. Life goes on, apparently, and the world just keeps turning, and I'm okay enough to keep doing my job.

(2/9/2024)

[gqteach]

Whaddup, I'm back with another unhappy post. There've been good things and I'll try to post about them separately too, but this blog is about my experiences specifically as a trans teacher and uh man does this qualify.

TW transphobic sexual harassment, separate TW for it being from a minor/student

Never had a kid comment on my genitals prior to today. Never wanted to, would be happy if it never happened again. Elated even.

"But Ro," you say, "surely the most common transphobic motif, 'you have [x] genitals and therefore you are [y]' has come up before."

Nope! Because regardless of whether they were thinking it or not, every previous student (and coworker) has had the good sense to not say it out loud. Til today, anyway.

It started off relatively innocuously, with me correcting a different student on my pronouns. Y'know, as you do, because They/Them pronouns are difficult for students to get used to using. Annoying, but understandable, so I deal with it.

The girl asked why I use They/Them pronouns and did not appreciate my answer of "The same reason you use She/Her." I think she was attempting to insinuate something about what I 'really' am, but we didn't get there.

Because this other girl. Goes right on ahead and makes a guess about what my genitals are and what that means my gender must be. And says it with such certainty, too. Not "I think they have [x]." Just that I definitely do have [x].

"First of all, you have no idea what I have going on down there," I snapped. "And second of all, you shouldn't even be thinking about it, because I'm your teacher and that's wildly inappropriate."

Pretty sure she was recording (why do my kids record everything?), so that's fun. I would probably handle it exactly the same way over again, I just hate being recorded.

Anyway, instead of going, "oh, you're right, that's wildly inappropriate, my bad," this girl and the first one proceeded to make further commentary on whether I had the other binary set of genitals, or if I've had bottom surgery, or that I sounded defensive so they definitely had to be right, etc. etc.

(Whether or not she was right was inconsequential, I would have been equally as uncomfortable had she guessed a different set of genitals.)

There's a sweet butch lesbian who sits at that table and she joined in on their nonsense, but I honestly can't really be mad at her, because I know exactly what she was doing: trying to protect herself.

"Maybe if I laugh with them, they won't come for me next," you know? The same kind of mentality that leads to some of the intracommunity issues we see. If you can just be one of the good ones, they'll leave you alone.

Didn't work, of course, and they then proceeded to shit talk the butch about how she's actually a man, or *pats hand patronizingly* "confused", or whatever other nonsense. And then were like "??? Excuse me we weren't talking to you" when I objected.

"Why are you mad, we're not even talking about you?" Except you are, because I and everyone else like me is the punchline of this joke. Also, I'm not about to let you come for my butches, lesbians (especially black lesbians!) have fought too hard for their womanhood just for you to turn around and pretend the existence of nonbinary people mean GNC cis people don't exist.

The conversation ended with me walking away, because the two girls just kept getting madder and madder that I objected to how they were talking. I'm also an angry crier, so you know that I spent however long in the back of that classroom trying not to burst into pissed off sobs.

On the bright side, one of my kids who can be a massive jerk and wildly uncooperative (called me ugly to my face once, though I was more annoyed than offended) proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes consoling me, going on a long, rambling tangent about how they're just mean cuz they're sad inside and how their opinions don't matter. I'm also reasonably sure he was high as a kite, which just added to it, and he accidentally triggered some of that "raised Catholic" trauma, but I took it in the spirit it was intended. There was also another girl at the table who told the two that they were being idiots, and the butch checked in on me afterwards like "Hey, Mx. Ro, are you good? Like...for real." So it wasn't all bad.

But now I have to figure out how to handle this in terms of discipline. The whole situation makes my skin crawl and makes me feel that same "I'll never be clean again" feeling that touching a bad texture does, except in like. my soul. And I don't want to fill out the behavior report form, because I don't really want to write about it (to the people who deal with that sort of thing, because obvs I'm writing about it here). I don't think I'll be able to emotionally handle it if any adult involved in this process invalidates me in any way. I'm lowkey terrified someone's gonna try to tell me it's not sexual harassment because they don't understand what those words actually mean when they intersect with gender. I also just. You know. have no friggin' interest in talking about my genitals at work. Even the meta-conversation of "this student made a comment about them" is too close to that experience for my comfort. 0/10, do not recommend.

I dunno. I'm gonna take a day and think about it, probably. Figure out how I want to handle it. Because it needs to be handled. I just hate that I have to in the first place.

(1/29/2024)

[gqteach]

I guess I'm lucky I survived two years without any actual open opposition from a parent, but it still hurts like a bitch.

I'm don't think hurt is exactly the right word, but there's definitely pain involved. Frustration, too. Some anxiety, though I'm not completely sure about what; I just smiled and nodded and "yes ma'am"-ed, so it's not like I expect her to complain to my boss.

I'm trying to write about it for Therapeutic Purposes:tm: but it's not. quite coming right. Even reporting the cut and dried events is hard for some reason.

The whole thing started with her shouting down a flight of stairs at me asking if I was "Miss Marie," which made me blue screen because that's my grandmother's name even if no one calls her that. "The Robotics Coach," she clarified.

"Miss Marie" is not, in fact, my co-coach's name, but that's fine.

She then proceeded to lay into me because of the fact her son hasn't been able to attend Robotics and therefore has been going to E-Sports instead, with the subtle implication that she disapproves of how much he's playing video games and also that it's lowkey my fault. He tried to attend Robotics on a couple Thursdays. We do not, in fact, meet on Thursdays. But it should be all fixed up now.

Then she asked me who I was. I introduced myself as Ro, or Teacher Ro if they prefer, the other coach, and she looked at me kind of odd. She asked, "So no pronouns?" and I said, "They/Them."

"As long as that's not what you're teaching my son. We're a Christian household, you know."

Ah. Cool. I'm not gonna trans your kid, lady. Super cool of you to bring religion into it, we love poking at my Christianity-related trauma. I guess part of the anxiety is that if the kid is trans, I'm going to get blamed and that's when the complaints are going to come in. And I'm just super sick of the narrative that we're pushing things on children when from her own admission, she's the one telling him what he can and can't be.

I will give her the credit that she said, "I taught him to respect people's pronouns and identities, it's just not for us" or something to that effect, and corrected her son twice when he called me Miss Ro.

(I do feel better after venting about it, once I got it out.)

Maybe this is the new normal? Slightly Begrudging Trans Tolerance? And if it is, maybe it's not so bad, even if it doesn't feel good. But it's leaps and bounds ahead of where we used to be, in terms of society.

(10/23/2023)

[gqteach]

Surprising no one, I did not update this blog over the summer. But I did teach the teachers, and it was good. I had several thank me and a couple more try to crash my class because they wanted to see "Trans Students 101" instead of whatever they'd been assigned. I'm also going to a conference in a couple weeks to teach the panel to a variety of teachers (and university faculty) from around the Midwest, so that's pretty exciting. Every single time I get to stand in front of people and teach these things, it feels like a major win.

I have a new job now, as a Special Ed Teacher! I am at a much smaller staff (and school) than before, and I think I know almost every adult at this point. A lot of the other teachers, especially the new hires, are also neurodivergent and queer. They're all super sweet and supportive, and so is the old guard. My principal is a bit brusque by times, but I get the impression that it's just a "way he speaks" thing, because every time we talk, he's very warm and helpful. I have high hopes for the year.

I also immediately got clocked as neurodivergent by the school's SpEd cause manager. Apparently I remind him a lot of his Autistic, ADHD son. I don't have proper documentation, but I am making a concerted effort to self-advocate and make this job more accessible. Part of that is I'm just trying to get everything in writing, because then I have something concrete to reference at any given time. According to my psych, I don't actually have a bad memory, my memory stores too much information at any given time which means accessing the actual stuff I need is nigh impossible by times. So, writing. I'm also asking like, a million questions, because Clear Communication and Understanding. I don't want to repeat the past two years' experience.

Teachers got our end of (last) year evals, and honestly, I haven't checked mine. I'm too anxious, even though I know what it's going to be. The real question is whether I fight it, or if I just take it and try extra hard these next two years. My mentor would encourage me to fight it, but I don't know if I have the energy.

I have an official diagnosis of Persistent Depression now, plus the other stuff we already knew, so I'm working really hard to turn my life around and structure it in a way that's good and healthy for me. It's a lot of hard work, but I have to believe it will be worth it in the end.

They have me teaching Biology and US History. You may recall that I am a math teacher and I honestly have no idea how to teach those other subjects. Luckily, I have very competent co-teachers to help me along there, and I do have one math class that is going absolutely fine. In History, we're talking about Race as a Social Construct, and I'm trying to decide if the kids are ready for the "Gender is also a Social Construct" talk or if it'll just throw them off more.

Students are...teenagers. I have freshmen and sophomores now, and they're all (COVID-caused) socially underdeveloped, so classroom management is a pain and a half. I'd say we're at "getting my pronouns correct half the time" right now, and working on it. I also have a lot more Spanish speakers, so working with the gender-neutral Spanish is an adventure all its own. I'm back to being the first nonbinary person a lot of students have met, and I'm trying to remind myself that there was an adjustment period at my last school, too. This will get easier. Even if I have to tear apart the queerphobic culture brick by brick.

(10/1/2023)

[gqteach]

It’s been many minutes, but again, I didn’t forget this blog existed, it’s just that life is full of things that I need to do and a side-hobby blog often gets discarded in favor of more essential to-dos.

But it’s summer! Hurray! I have survived two whole years of teaching.

My Principal did talk to my co-teacher but it was determined that things weren’t gonna work out, so they swapped in a different co-teacher. In addition to gendering me correctly, this man and I were like...significantly more on the same page in terms of education philosophy. I cannot express how much weight was lifted off my shoulders when they made that change. They even made it before the semester ended, which was wild - I was going to agree to tough it out for another month - but I certainly can’t complain, even if it did start some gossip I didn’t want anything to do with.

I say as if there’s any gossip I ever want something to do with.

I ended up taking over the GSA full time in March! The two teachers who led it before me had to step back for personal reasons, so I stepped from third leader to first with the help of another staff member (the only other person in the building who used they/them pronouns too, which was cool). We had a fun time, watched some Queer Eye, hung out, played Happy Little Dinosaurs. It was a good opportunity. Unfortunately, the two of us were not rehired for next year, so it’ll go back to my predecessors.

Brief aside: if you’re unfamiliar with how it works, basically teachers without tenure (in Chicago Public Schools) are employed on year-to-year contracts and at the end of the year they decide whether they want to renew your contract.

They didn’t want me for next year, so I’m on the hunt for a new job. I’m going to miss the community, but hopefully the next school will be a better fit for me in terms of personality/philosophy. I’m bad at politics and I can bend, but only so far, so trying to get me to enforce rules I think are useless and a waste of time is just gonna end badly for all of us. (Especially me, but that’s a power thing.) On the bright side, they hired a nonbinary English teacher, so the kids will still have some

The advising committee has done some amazing stuff gathering students from across the city and building community for Queer students. I’m hoping next year we can work more on policy (and finally get those gender neutral bathroom signs sorted) but there’s not a thing that we do that feels like a waste. I really wish I’d had this when I was a kiddo, but it’s so good to be part of it now.

I caught COVID a second time that seems to have decided to have an evil baby with my allergies and I haven’t been able to breathe properly through my nose since I caught it in January, but allergy meds have been coming in handy. I’ve been off Adderall for a couple months because I haven’t found a new psychiatrist, and that’s an adventure. Chronic Pain/Fatigue is at normal, but summer & sleep are helping. My personal life is kind of in shambles but c’est la vie. Just grab a roll of FlexTape and a prayer.

That’s all I can think of at the moment in terms of worthwhile updates, but I’ll try to actually post over the summer about some of the teaching teachers I’ll be doing. Until next time, I hope life treats you gently.

(06/26/2023)

[gqteach]

It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? This time I didn’t forget the blog exists, though, it’s just been busy and I haven’t had even a second to sit down and make a post.

Things with my co-teacher came to a boiling point because of a comment I made about the situation to another teacher (who already knew about all this). It was pointed out that this is a straight-up Title IX violation and that if not for respecting me and making it easier for me to do my job, then she should at least try harder because there are actual legal consequences.

For the record, I’d been intentionally avoiding thinking about the whole Title IX thing, but as I’ve worked through this more, my denial and repression have been less successful. Which is probably healthy but also inconvenient.

Anyway, I got screamed at that now people are going to think she’s a horrible person, and a whole bunch of other stuff, and we basically ended with this is the best she can do (I will reiterate from an earlier post, she has never corrected herself once and continues to slip into gendered honorifics) and she won’t change, so it’s up to me whether I learn to put up with it or escalate the situation.

You will be happy to know, dear reader, that I decided to take care of myself and ended up having a meeting with the principal about it. She’s supposed to see if she can talk to said co-teacher, convince her where I failed, and has promised if that doesn’t work, we’ll talk about “Next Steps.” Genuinely, it’s really nice to feel supported in this by admin, and it sucks that it’s impressive and not just the norm, but it is and I’m glad I’m here, experiencing it.

On a happier note, I’ve been working with the district advising committee for the GSAs. We’ve been talking a lot about transformative justice, which is awesome because it’s a step beyond restorative justice that I’d never heard of before. It’s going to be hard to implement on a large scale, but it’s definitely the next logical step after restorative justice, so at least I can try some of these practices.

I really wish schools were better about the restorative justice stuff, though. The punitive discipline still seems favored in a lot of places, but I’ve had a lot more success by speaking calmly and addressing the root of the issue. Of course, that just means I get to lead the change, but that gets exhausting.

The other fun thing about the advising committee is that I’m on my way to having friends. I’m still awkward as hell and don’t know how to interact with people, but I’m doing my best. The whole lot is neurodivergent anyway, so they get it. I’ve also determined I’m quite bad at holding text conversations, which probably explains why my long-distance relationship fell apart (cuz she had the same problem) and why I don’t really have friends (yay pandemic). I will accept tips from other ADHD friends because text communication doesn’t seem conducive to how I usually converse, so feel free to volunteer some if you’ve got ‘em.

I’m still exhausted all the time, the weird summer-winter is wrecking my physical form, and I’m worrying about pretty much everything, but I am feeling peace right now, and a little bit hopeful. I wish you all a peaceful time, until whenever I manage to post next.

(11/13/22)

[gqteach]

I am, in fact, IT’s favorite person. Apparently I have misunderstood district policy to be much more affirming and supportive than it actually is. I also still don’t quite get which part I’ve misunderstood, but they closed one of my two tickets (the polite one, not the rude one) and I’m talking to the District LGBTQ+ advisors to figure out what’s up and if this is still salvageable.

I really don’t want to have to go back to these kids and explain that I was wrong and I failed them.

And like, it should be possible, cuz I have another kid who already has their account set up the way I’m trying to get it for these students. I just...don’t understand where the disconnect is. And because I’m apparently the person in the wrong, I get to worry about how me being assertive probably got read as rudeness. Which maybe I shouldn’t worry about, because I’m never going to sound quite right to neurotypicals and all I can do is my best, but logic brain and rumination brain are rarely in contact.

I took today off because my chronic illness is bad, but I am honestly still doing a fair amount of work from home, both planning and handling the IT nonsense. They called me and I didn’t answer (even though I was pretty sure it was them) but they also closed my ticket and had the district office email me so I don’t know if I’m still supposed to call back. I’m going to not, and then they can call me again if they want.

Sleeping in was nice. Actually sleeping enough helps bring the pain back down to something approximating manageable. And I played Animal Crossing before I started working, so there’s that.

On a happier note, I get to work with the district office to help design LGBTQ+ student guidance & support, presuming they still want me after this. But that last part is just my anxiety and cynicism talking, so it’ll probably be fine. Hopefully I get to work on making the bathroom signage inclusive, plus who knows what other fun projects. I can’t wait to start that, hopefully soon.

(9/15/22)

[gqteach]

Hey, look, two weeks in a row!

I don’t know, I don’t feel like I have a whole ton to report. I fell a bit behind on grading and planning and then had a major burst of productivity Friday night that led to me getting home around almost 9pm (though in my defense, I left at 6, it’s just the bus that screwed me over).

I’ve set myself up to have slightly more work this year than last year, but the slides they gave me for the AP curriculum are just bad, so I’m going to harness my little ADHD brain and I’m going to fix them. I’m just chanting to myself that as soon as I finish them, I’ll never have to make them again.

I’m about to become IT’s favorite person! I have two tickets open and I don’t know how many more I’ll have by the end of the week, but I’m helping a bunch of students change the name on their school account so it can be what they actually go by. Which means a whole bunch of IT requests from me. Sorry to the horrendously understaffed IT department, I promise the kids appreciate it so much!

Got a kid named “Blue” in a couple clubs I help with and honestly the minute I saw it written down I was like...Ah yes, a good traditional nonbinary name. I haven’t had a “Sock” yet, but it’ll come in a year or two, probably.

I heard back from the district maybe two weeks after I emailed? They’re working on permanent gender neutral bathroom signage and I wanted to check in on the progress of that and how they were doing cuz the ones we have now are quite frankly more harmful than helpful - all they do is make the existence of trans kids (and adults, to a lesser extent) hypervisible so cis kids can be rude about it, while not actually removing the gendered association from the bathroom. So the stuff they said to me made me hopeful, in that email.

I’m already in the “Chronically Exhausted” stage so I’m not really looking forward to going back tomorrow, but I’ll enjoy it once I’m there. It’s just hard to be excited about waking up before 6am, no matter what for.

Thank you to the friends that stick around and read and like my posts even without a frequent update schedule; I appreciate y’all.

(9/5/22)

[gqteach]

One of these days, I’ll actually manage to get a consistent post schedule going. Today isn’t that day, probably, but it’s worth a shot anyway.

I survived my first year teaching. I had like...3 or 4 posts last year before dropping off the face of the Earth, and that’s it, that’s a summary of the year. Being a teacher is even more time-consuming than I expected; I’m contracted for 6.25 hours every day, but I definitely work more like 8-9, especially since I tend to work through lunch.

“Contracted?” you say. “But Ro, aren’t you full-time and salaried?” Yes. Yes, I am. I do not understand it either. (Though I guess technically I’m not salaried because if I run out of sick days and still have to take off for chronic illness, I don’t get paid, so like. That’s fun.)

Last year was amazing and it was terrible. Sometimes at the same time. I caught COVID and gave my pre-existing chronic illness a partner with which to form a little family of evil in my body. The chronic fatigue is worse than ever, and I commute 2.5 hours plus the aforementioned 8-9 hours of work most days. But the work also made me happy, and I loved the kids, and I cried for like 45 minutes straight at graduation.

(One kid was like, “Mx, don’t cry! It’s a good thing!” and I laughed and promised him they were proud, happy tears.)

But y’all, my school hung the progress pride flag. The kids were like “We want this!” and though I am old and disillusioned, I didn’t voice my thought, which was that there was no way in hell it was gonna happen - and then it did. It went up the day after school ended, but it’s still there now, a week into the new school year.

People are still bad at my pronouns! Shockingly, one year is not enough for every person to overcome prejudices and habits. This is partly sarcastic and partly not. I really thought the “habit” camp would be better after this long, but some of them are just not putting in any effort. Including my co-teacher, though I’ve started correcting her again (to make a long, sad story short, I stopped last year out of fear for my job), and I’m trying to be on her about the kids, too. We have 4 or 5 trans kids in one period, and it’s one thing for her to misgender me all the time (literally all the time - I can’t think of once she’s gotten it right), but I’m not about to let that happen to the kids.

They switched my department this year since I was supposed to get a course team partner but (surprise!) finding another one of me with slightly different credentials is really difficult, so I don’t have said partner yet and there’s a long-term sub in there. Hopefully whoever they end up hiring will be cool, because I think I’ll die of exhaustion if I have to correct them and my co-teacher all the time.

I’m hoping the strain lessens as I get used to the schedule again, though I’ve definitely been sleeping on the train, try as I might to avoid it. In addition to my “Make school trans-friendly,” I’ll probably add “Make every weekend 3 days and also start school later” to my suggested improvements list.

Until next time, be that in a week, a month, or a year.

(8/28/2022)

[gqteach]

Y’all I have friends now, it’s wild.

My coworker (J) hosted a Friday night get-together at his house and I went home with him so I wouldn’t have to walk half a mile in heels. I met his fiance, who works at a museum really close to where I used to transfer on my old commute. Both guys are really fun and funny, and they’re very sweet and complimentary. I think I’m going to be invited to his wedding, for which I’m super super excited.

That was a digression but I’m super happy. I spent eight hours at J’s house eating snacks and vibing. It’s super weird being the youngest in the department. It helps having someone I graduated with there with me, but she (Z) was coaching volleyball, so for a while it was just me, holding my Actual Adult co-worker’s baby and playing with her three-year-old.

10/10, would recommend having friends with small kids. You get all the joy of small children even though you’re twenty-two and absolutely should not be allowed to have a baby full time. I was a little worried how we were gonna handle the gender thing - namely the war between “You are not allowed to misgender me” and “I don’t want to have a complex discussion with my toddler about gender identity” - but it actually went super well. She slipped and misgendered me, but overcorrected herself to the other binary pronoun, and then finally actually made it to “they.”

My fiance and I wound up staying two hours later than everyone else and we had a really good time. J got very real about being queer at the school once everyone else was gone, and we talked about his experiences and my experiences and how the school is solidly middle of the road - not great but trying. He talked a lot about the school politics he’s had to play by, the kind which I have no patience for, and I honestly admire that. I in turn have no choice in the matter, since ID politics would have me misgendered, but like, supporting each other. It was a really validating experience.

The kids are getting better with the pronouns; my department chair isn’t. I’ve also had some fun “my students are mostly native Spanish-speaker” moments, where I get to introduce them to the gender-neutrals in Spanish, but it’s not a language I’m confident in. The kid I was talking to didn’t hear the difference between “Maestre” and “Maestra” at first, and I know they’ve probably never heard a lot of this before, so it’s a work in progress. I do, however, have some students correcting each other on my title and pronouns, and apparently one girl even corrected another teacher at volleyball practice, which makes my heart warm. Also that nonbinary kid from the back to school bash is on the volleyball team, so I hope they feel supported and seen by that, too.

The highlight of my week though, was another student who’s not in my class reaching out to ask if she could interview me. All the kids need to write a whole long essay to graduate, and she chose LGBT+ issues, with a special focus on the school. We had a really good conversation that I hope will give her plenty of material to use in her thesis. We actually didn’t even get to all the questions.

I am cautiously optimistic. I may be on fire, a little bit, but at least I’m blazing a trail for everyone after me.

(9/11/21)

[gqteach]

I was totally going to make a post after the first day of school, but then I didn’t. I have survived the first week, and my main thought is: Holy Fuck.

They say undergrad & student teaching don’t actually prepare you for teaching, but you don’t actually understand what that means until you are doing it full time on your own. I am so tired all the time. I got home Wednesday and fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours, waking up to my partner trying to get me to eat dinner. I feel like I’m fighting to keep my head above water.

It doesn’t help that I spend an hour ten commuting on a good day; whether I drive or take the train, that’s still time and focus and thought. I super enthusiastically downloaded a bunch of podcasts but I haven’t been able to listen to any of them yet. That said, I have gotten some good writing done on the train, plus I love Chicago, so it’s not all that bad.

“But Ro, the trans content,” you say impatiently. And I know that’s why you’re all here - what did my first week as a genderqueer, real teacher go like? How are students and staff, how are the gender neutral bathrooms?

The bathrooms are great, I’ve never had to wait for them and as long as I have my key on me there’s 0 gender binary involved.

How are the kids and teachers? Not as good as I’d hoped, but I think (I hope) it’s just growing pains. It’s hard for me to go from a school where I was well-established and supported back to starting over from square one. It’s pretty obvious I’m the first out trans teacher they’ve had, binary or otherwise, so no one quite knows how to handle me. Students aren’t used to a teacher they can’t call ‘Miss’ or ‘Sir,’ and they’re all kind of terrible with my pronouns, but a lot of them are trying. Also, they’re better than my department chair, so that’s something.

I’m glad it’s a long weekend; I could use the sleep. But I am cautiously optimistic for next week.

(9/3/21)

[gqteach]

So I made this blog two summers ago and promptly fell off the bandwagon with it. College was just...incredibly overwhelming. But I'm graduated now, and I have my first teaching position, so I thought it would be nice to come back to this blog.

Since that last post I wrote, "The Only One," I've met a lot more nonbinary teachers than I ever really expected to in several different locations. I have a groupchat that's just made entirely of nonbinary teachers right now. So that's pretty heartening.

School starts Monday, so we've been doing professional development all week. I'm blessed in that my principal is incredibly supportive, especially for a woman over 60; I know many people aren't so lucky, including one of my friends. My coworkers aren't super great about my pronouns yet, and they're a bit thrown for a loop by the fact I don't use an honorific and I'm pretty impartial as to whether they call me by my first or last name, but people are genuinely practicing, including my co-teacher (who is another woman over 60). So I'm pretty hopeful.

Today, I met some of my kids, and I stood in front of half the senior class and said, "My pronouns are they/them." It was nerve-wracking, but I was - am - committed to being out at work. And it was worthwhile, too, because a kid approached me after the presentation and was like, "Yeah i just wanted to say it was really cool that you introduced yourself with They/them pronouns, because i use those too."

And I said to them, "That's why I did."

(8/26/21)

[gqteach]

The Only One

It’s strange to be the only one. Baffling. Lonely.

It’s rare in some ways: I’m usually not the only queer person at this point. Most of my programs have some other people of color. So many people are open about their mental health.

I’m used to being the only Arab in the room, since we moved to a place without much community. I’ve known a handful of other Lebanese folks in my life. I’m not the only Arab at this internship, though; there’s a girl who’s half Arab, half Desi. Living life on the “and” like me.

I am, however, the only nonbinary scholar my year. 

Sometimes it’s easy to forget: when we’re in the middle of a lesson, I’m the same as anyone else. But sometimes, I feel super isolated being surrounded by cis binary folks. There’s one other trans intern here, but he and I aren’t super close.

It’s odd to be surrounded by people who just don’t get it. People who forget your gender, who talk about “having to practice your pronouns” - which really means practicing seeing you as something besides binary, because they never knew you to use any other pronouns. People who understand gender - and the world! - in a fundamentally different way than those like us do.

There’s also a million things I have to worry about that my cis peers will never think about. I mean, no one “forgets” a cis person’s gender. But as a teacher, I have to decide what to have students call me - title and pronouns - and strategically choose something that isn’t going to be a power struggle every day. I have to worry about whether students will misgender me when they talk trash. I must be prepared for students to leave my class because they or their parents are transphobic.

I’m the only genderqueer scholar in this teacher preparation program, which means I put it on the paperwork but I still get misgendered. It means I usually get a single room and a bathroom to myself, but I’m always worried they’ll stick me with a random cis person instead. It means the infrastructure was designed without people like me in mind, and I am an inconvenience to the system.

I spoke to the person in charge of Social Emotional Development for this program and she mentioned that there is another transgender - potentially genderqueer, but that was unclear - scholar in another level and she promised to try to connect us. So we do exist, even if we are few. When I was a young genderqueer student, I really could’ve used the visual confirmation and representation of myself as an adult.

So I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it. I may be the only one for now, but that’s a struggle I’ll take on for those who come after me. I may be “the” genderqueer scholar/teacher for now, but someday I will simply be a genderqueer teacher.

(6/25/19)

[gqteach]

About Me!

Hi y'all!

My name's Ro (they/them), I'm 20, and I'm currently studying to be a high school math teacher. I'm mixed race Arab-White, and I'm bi, ace, polyamorous, and genderqueer. I contend with anxiety, depression, executive functioning issues, and some sort of undiagnosed chronic pain.

I started this blog because when I was 17, I was a young genderqueer kid wondering if there was a place for me in the world of education. I did a lot of googling of "nonbinary teacher" and "genderqueer teacher" and turned up some pretty sparse results. Now that I'm halfway through my training, I figured I would start this blog so some other young queer person wondering if they could be a teacher could find me. You can and you will, if you want to be. 

I will blog about my adventures in classrooms, in my teacher prep program, and in life. I will muse about policies. I will share things I learn. Welcome to my life as a queer teacher!